normalicy in grieving?

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[ARCHIVED THREAD] - normalicy in grieving?

Posted: 10/24/2013 10:10:06 PM EDT

is there such a thing?

three weeks ago i lost a very close friend, one who made a huge impact in my life. there has been crying, drinking, organizing, all kinds of fucked up rationalizing, and the overwhelming feeling that i want to get as far away from here as possible.

so far i have avoided most of the things i did when i lost my best friend in 2011, but right now i want to adopt another homeless reptile and snort a line.

i want to find the tallest place i can be and scream 'FUCKKKKKKKKKKK' as loud as i can.

is this normal? will anything ever be normal again?

ETA: sorry for being a huge asshole the last few weeks.

Posted: 10/24/2013 10:16:03 PM EDT

[#1]

No it will never be "normal" My fiance who had just lost her sister after she was down here visiting us (less then a week after she was here she went back home and she had passed) is now losing her mom who has Alzheimers..no there is no "normal" and and you just have to suck it up and carry on and I'm sorry to tell you this but there is no getting over it, you just have to deal with it and move on...life is for the living that is all I can say and that is the only advice that I can offer you..I wish you peace and tranquility!

Posted: 10/24/2013 10:25:34 PM EDT

[#2]

Nope. Your life now? It's the new normal. You don't go back to the old normal. You put one foot in front of the other and focus on making that next step. Make it through the next 5 minutes. Then 30. Then hour. Then 2 hours. Then make it through the night. Then weekend. Then week. Then weeks turn to months.

There is no "easy" way to grieve. You do what you have to do to come to terms with things. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Trust me, speaking from experience.

Posted: 10/24/2013 10:25:38 PM EDT

[#3]

Years...YMMV

Posted: 10/24/2013 10:36:52 PM EDT

[#4]

The loss will always be felt, but I don't think it's true that what you're feeling now is your new normal.

There is no "right" way to grieve, grief comes in waves, you'll have days where you feel good, even months that feel normal, and then a wave of grief will crash over you and pass, might just be for a moment, might take a while to get over.

It gets easier, the memories that feel like a knife in your heart now will be comforting eventually. People who lose a close relation often find the second year harder than the first, but that isn't a universal truth.

Sorry for your loss, your loved one wouldn't want you to torture yourself, they'd want you to be well, and happy.

Posted: 10/24/2013 10:51:13 PM EDT

[#5]

Everyone is different. I still tear up on occasion when I think about my old dog and guinea pig, and they have both been gone for almost 10 years.

Posted: 10/24/2013 11:31:16 PM EDT

[#6]

Quote History

Quoted:
The loss will always be felt, but I don't think it's true that what you're feeling now is your new normal.

There is no "right" way to grieve, grief comes in waves, you'll have days where you feel good, even months that feel normal, and then a wave of grief will crash over you and pass, might just be for a moment, might take a while to get over.

It gets easier, the memories that feel like a knife in your heart now will be comforting eventually. People who lose a close relation often find the second year harder than the first, but that isn't a universal truth.

Sorry for your loss, your loved one wouldn't want you to torture yourself, they'd want you to be well, and happy.

View Quote

Pretty much this.

I lost both parents within six months of each other, about 10 years ago. I still miss them but the "hurt" is not nearly as severe as it was just after I lost them. You must be sure that you allow the healing to happen; you may feel obliged to feel the pain, but (I believe) this is wrong.

Don't make a monument to the pain of your loss; instead, keep your friend in your memory and remember the good times, the terrific things he did for you. Eventually, you'll get to the point that you can remember the good times and laugh at the memories. Just remember this: don't feel guilty about not feeling the pain; feel glad that you knew this person, that you had this person in your life (and that they had you).

As George Patton said:
"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived."

Finally: Read this.

Posted: 10/24/2013 11:32:51 PM EDT

[#7]

There is no normal. Everyone grieves in their own way. I am sorry for your loss.

Posted: 10/24/2013 11:45:59 PM EDT

[#8]

Posted: 10/27/2013 9:37:47 PM EDT

[#9]

Quote History

Quoted:
No it will never be "normal" My fiance who had just lost her sister after she was down here visiting us (less then a week after she was here she went back home and she had passed) is now losing her mom who has Alzheimers..no there is no "normal" and and you just have to suck it up and carry on and I'm sorry to tell you this but there is no getting over it, you just have to deal with it and move on...life is for the living that is all I can say and that is the only advice that I can offer you..I wish you peace and tranquility!

View Quote

that part in bold is what i have been telling myself lately, along with reminding myself that i cant snort the pain away, or drink the pain away.

Posted: 10/27/2013 9:39:39 PM EDT

[#10]

Sorry man, prayers sent.

Posted: 10/27/2013 9:41:18 PM EDT

[#11]

There is no such thing as normal. Stages of grief fit into basic formulas, but there's no formula that everybody has to follow.

Stay away from the booze, etc. It makes it worse.

Posted: 10/27/2013 9:42:08 PM EDT

[#12]

Please dont take this harsh.
Be always thankful to have known someone worth grieving over.

Posted: 10/27/2013 9:44:31 PM EDT

[#13]

I lost my mother on the eighth of this month, and I'm riding one helluva'n emotional roller coaster. It'll take time OP, a lot of time.

Posted: 10/27/2013 9:57:02 PM EDT

[#14]

The hurt and sorry slowly gets replaced with being able to smile and laugh at fond memories, but it never goes away.

It has been 21 years I lost my grandfather, 4 years since a long time friend died in a wreck, and 2 years since someone I consider my brother passed.

Posted: 10/27/2013 10:09:18 PM EDT

[#15]

There is no "normalcy" in grieving. My mother died in 2008 and with her death, the fun went out of life. But last year a bulldog came to live with me and she brought the fun back with her.

Adopt a dog and you will find yourself happy again.

Posted: 10/27/2013 10:11:03 PM EDT

[#16]

No, it never does seem normal again. About 2 years ago I lost one of my best friends in High School due to a suburban rollover. Was with a couple of girls who decided to do 'thrill hill'. In retrospect: it's a short, steep section of dirt road in my hometown. You can get air off it pretty easily. The guy was level headed, I just think that he didn't know what was up until it happened.

I never did cry, never did lose it; but, it just seemed surreal right after I knew he was gone. I guess I just accepted it pretty quickly that he was gone, and he's not coming back. I still think about him from time to time, but it certainly does change you.

Posted: 10/27/2013 10:22:01 PM EDT

[#17]

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sadness and Acceptance.

They don't have to occur in any set order or any particular length of time, but you'll experience most of them to some degree at some point.

Posted: 10/27/2013 11:19:01 PM EDT

[#18]

Quote History

Quoted:

Adopt a dog and you will find yourself happy again.

View Quote

fluffy, that bit made me laugh, the close friend i lost ran the animal shelter i volunteer at.

Posted: 10/27/2013 11:34:31 PM EDT

[#19]

New normal like stated above. I have found commemorating a lost loved one helps also after a time of grieving.

Posted: 10/27/2013 11:52:12 PM EDT

[#20]

The only thing that isn't normal is caring about someone your whole life and expecting to stop caring the day they pass. You still care just as much as if they were there with you right now, but they're not and it hurts. I'd like to think that's normal, how you deal with the hurt varies from person to person.

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - normalicy in grieving?

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