By: Daniel Sargis

Love of Life…

If the authorities are unable to obtain a murder conviction on suspected teen sniper, John Lee Malvo, there is always Plan B. Maryland state law states that a person is guilty of a sexual offense in the third degree if the person engages in sexual contact with another person who is mentally defective (§ 464B, {2}). After all, John Allen Muhammad is certainly a mentally defective person (as opposed to insane which he will undoubtedly plead).




Oh, that’s right, nobody is saying or reporting that 42-year-old suspected sniper John Allen Muhammad and 17-year-old Malvo are lovers.

Back to the Beginning…

Could it be that the former Beltway Snipers are the forever Beltway Lovers…more about that in a moment.

J& J were apprehended while snoozing (cuddling?) at a rest stop off I-70 in their dark blue 1990 Chevy Caprice. Almost immediately, it was reported that Muhammad, in addition to being a veteran, was Malvo’s "stepfather". Which, in a vacuum, was believable.

But then…the independent Observer Radio One reported that the two might have "hooked-up" in Antigua, where Muhammad lived sometime in 1999. How does a rumored tête-à-tête while sunbathing au natural become grounds for step parenting?

With this new revelation unfolding, the media immediately started to spin the story. The newsrooms were awash in the hushed whispers of dirty secrets. It was perfectly fine for the media to paint all white heterosexual males as potential serial killers, but what to do about two black suspected bisexual serial snipers? A "network acceptable" translation of these rumors came to be reported as, "Malvo often referring to Muhammad as his play father."

Just what the heck is a play father?

Does Muhammad only exist in Malvo’s mind as a "make believe" father? Or is Muhammad the type of Daddy that Malvo can play with (as in softballs and hardballs)? It is, without doubt, true that whoever the real snipers are…they did enjoy shooting their loads through a little hole in the back…of the trunk. This is becoming an analyst’s smorgasbord.

Since Man-Boy love is one of those PC gray areas, the mainstream media is now settling into a description of Malvo as Muhammad’s "traveling companion". Curiously, the media had a more precise definition for Gary Hart’s former traveling companion, Donna Rice. But, then again, there is no equity in the PC world when it comes to Man-Boy versus Man-Girl relationships.

If Muhammad’s partner had been a teenage girl, rest assured that the media would not be reporting this "traveling companion" cover story. What the hell…Bonnie and Clyde are more fun than Leopold and Loeb!

What’s the Big Deal…

Other than the sin of perverse curiosity, why would the nature of J & J’s personal relationship be relevant?

With two prime suspects about to be indicted for the murders of the decade, the nature of their relationship will go straight to the heart of the defense.

The liberal spin-doctors are already flying through their illusory universe at the speed of babble…"Maybe it’s the Army’s fault…The N.R.A. is to blame…But Malvo is just a child." Eureka, that’s the one that will stick. Malvo was just a child whose brain was numbed by a forced diet of crackers and honey while his emotions were devastated by his perverse psychosexual relationship with a controlling and abusive Muhammad.

Even if bad ole Alabama (the only state involved that will grant the death penalty to a minor) gets their prosecutorial mitts onto Malvo, this whole "companion" angle could give him a walk. The prosecution will need gallons of Maloxx if the love connection rumors are true.

Trick or Treat…

Picture this scenario. Malvo is only 17 and Muhammad has been sexually abusing him since he was 15. Malvo, as a result of Muhammad’s sexual abuse, was a love slave and not responsible for a single crime. Not only does Malvo go free, but he gets counseling, resident status, welfare and the remainder of his education all compliments of the U.S. taxpayer. Not to mention the millions he earns from his book, made-for-TV movie and as a talk show host. His only punishment was that he had to hug Rosie (who hired Johnny Cochran to lead his defense team) while he cried an apologetic river of crocodile tears.

Don’t laugh…you know that this is a very real possibility. And…the reverends Jackson and Sharpton, although presently silent, will surely be heard from soon enough.

The liberals are in a dilemma. The murderers are not white, not Christian and maybe not even heterosexual. The PC crowd is thanking Allah that the killers weren’t also women. Well, at least one of them is both an American citizen and a male. It’s thin, but it’s a thread to build on. Muhammad is the perfect villain. He is the bad apple that tempted Malvo from the Garden of Eden.

God, this would have be so much more fun for the liberals if the killers turned out to be Catholic priests or at least taxpaying males with N.R.A. membership. Damn…where’s a good Boogeyman when you need him!

Happy Halloween and remember…you heard it here first.


"Published originally at EtherZone.com : republication allowed with this notice and hyperlink intact."

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Daniel Sargis is a freelance writer from Connecticut and is a regular columnist for Ether Zone

Daniel Sargis can be reached at [email protected]

Published in the November 4, 2002 issue of Ether Zone.  
Copyright © 1997 - 2002 Ether Zone.

Tabloid trash that has nothing to do with murder.

Besides, who gives a crap if they played
dingle dangle with each other...
murder is murder is murder.

This story doesn't need to be sensationalized
any further. Unless of course, you work for a
media outlet.

yup...sounds like a load of crap to me.