This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual letter sent to a man
named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental
Quality, State of Michigan.

Wait till you read this guy's response.......but read the letter
before you get to the response........

***************************
Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the
above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as
the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to
the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's
files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this
nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The
Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities
at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the
stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later
than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our
staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further
unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being
referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
any questions.


Sincerely, David L. Price

District Representative Land and Water Management Division

This is the actual response sent back........



Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to
respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or
Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal
owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their
skillful use of nature ' s building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate
their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe
I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam
skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type
of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require
all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies
of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been
issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said
representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam
lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of
the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is
proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is
required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you
want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to
build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the
grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam
rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department
of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its
name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers' Dams.).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can
be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why
wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the
dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the
bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely
believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave
the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver
dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they
dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
response to your dam office.

Sincerely,

Stephen L.Tvedten

Cool

probably false, but the goverments are usually staffed by idiots, morons, and fools. so its still belivable.