Senator Chuck Schumer to Introduce Hammer Ban

By Matt Clark

Senator Chuck Schumer  (D-NY) has said he will introduce a bill to ban the production, sale or transfer of certain deadly hammers.  An increase in the number of hammer attacks in 2011 prompted the Senator to introduce the Bill.

A spokesperson for Carpentry Contractors Association of America blasted the Senator's proposed legislation as absolutely ridiculous. "There is absolutely no evidence to suggest that hammers are being used in large numbers violent assaults."

However, reports from the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) do support the Senator's claim that hammers are being used in a significant number of deadly attacks.  In 2011, the most recent year for which data is available, 496 individuals were killed by hammers or other similar blunt clubs.  In fact, hammers were responsible for more homicides in 2011 than all rifles combined. FBI crime statistics indicate that in 2011, there were only 323 homicides using rifles.*

A spokesperson for Common Sense Tool Foundation applauded the introduction of the Bill.  "Right now I could walk right into any Walmart in this Country and buy as many hammers as a I wanted, I could even clear out the whole store, and I would never once be asked to show any sort of ID.  No one needs ten hammers or hammers with extended handle grips.  We need common sense hammer regulation.  We must act now before people realize we're full of sh*!."

Under the proposed legislation, any hammer with a length of over 12 inches and a head weight exceeding 10 ounces will be considered an "assault hammer," and all purchasers shall be required to undergo a background check, including finger printing, prior to purchase.  Such hammers shall be registered and listed on the owner's "HOID" card (Hammer Owner's I.D.).   Persons with known mental defects or disease and/or a felony record shall not be eligible to possess an assault hammer or HOID card.

The Bill's proponents argue that, although they will likely face fierce opposition in the Republican led House, the ban will be worth it even if it could possibly save one life.  However the Bill's passage could also face opposition from within Schumer's own party in the Senate.  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), who has an "A" rating from the National Hammer Association, has not indicated whether he will allow the hammer ban to come to the Senate floor for a vote.  Several vulnerable Democrats from construction heavy districts are up for reflection in the 2014 midterm elections.

* http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/ucr/crime-in-the-u.s/2011/crime-in-the-u.s.-2011/tables/expanded-homicide-data-table-11

Matt Clark is not a journalist, has won no awards and cannot be contacted anywhere.

BAN THE BAN HAMMER!!!  

Site Staff was around before the invention of the hammer, and they'll be here long afterwards.  And don't you forget it, neither.  

So, are assault rocks still good to go?

Welcome back

Good for a laugh. Almost looked real for a second too

While I'm sure this is pure fiction, its sadly what passes for common sense among the left.

In before familiar!

Although my legal accumen is a little rusty, there is no way this gets out of committe despite how the bill is constructed, we can put the final nail in the coffin on that issue.

May we copy /paste to Facebook?

Shit like this makes me want to kill some fool with a sharp stick just to see which of these capering buffoons we have in congress will propose regulating trees.

Is there a features ban on these hammers?  I have some with wooden handles that can't be swung from the hip as easily as my others with compsite and rubber grip handles.

Go ahead and steal it.

Here's my other one along the same lines:


Dems to Introduce High Speed Vehicle Ban

By Matt Clark

House Democrats will introduce a bill to ban the production, sale or transfer of high speed sport vehicles on the first day of the next congressional session. This according to someone at the office of Senator Diane Feinstein of California.  "The High Speed Sport Device Act will mirror a failed bill introduced during the 112th Congress." Its authors hope that in the wake of several high speed crashes, there will be heightened political urgency to act when it is reintroduced on Jan. 3.

The legislation has gained a wave of Democratic co-sponsors, but few Republicans have come forward to offer their support.  Even more critical to the bill’s political prospects, House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) has not indicated whether he will allow it to come to the floor for a vote.  

"The is a surely ridiculous" says respected CNN political journalist Piers Morgan.  "There is absolutely no need for any American to own a vehicle that can exceed 80mph.  It has no legitimate sporting or recreational use whatsoever.  Is only purpose is to speed and kill.  These things are nothing but killing machines terrorizing out streets."

Senator Feinstein released a summary of the legislation:

The bill will ban the sale, transfer, importation or manufacture of 120 specific sport vehicles.  Although the exact banned vehicles are not know at this point, it is likely that the bill will include the Chevrolet Corvette, Firrari, Lamborghini, Porsche, Audi and BMW.  The bill will also ban vehicles containing one or more of the following high speed vehicle characteristics:  

1. Any vehicle that can exceed a 80 mph rate speed
2. Tinted windows
3. After market exhaust
4. Race stripes
5. Having only 2 doors
6. Spoiler
7. Three-point seat belts

The bill will grandfather high speed sport vehicles already in circulation.  However the owner will not be able to sell, transfer, gift or will the vehicle to a family member.  Additionally, all owners will be required to register the vehicle with the soon to be established high speed sport vehicle registry. The owner will also be required to pay a $200 stamp tax.  With DMV wait times already long, some have protested the mandatory registration. It is estimated that it will take between 6 months to a year for the registration to go through.  The owner may not use the vehicle prior to obtaining the proper registration paperwork. Failure to comply carries strict penalties. Owners convicted of operating the high speed sport vehicle without proper registration could face 15-25 years in prison.  

Matt Clark is not a journalist, has won no awards and cannot be contacted anywhere.

My Medicinal AR15 post got deleted, but this is still here?

After that bastard Morgan gets deported back to the UK, Schumer needs to be deported to Whatever fucked up 3rd world shithole that will take him!

He can ban all the hammers he wants, but I'd still nail his niece.

Not after the taxi cab story.

 

I second this.

Don't  laugh, coming to a state near you.

Group buy?



 

This is really well thought out satire.
You sir have a gift

I was certain the bill would include a provision for requiring a license to purchase nails.
My understanding was that once nails were purchased, they could only be transported to or from a worksite, during hours of actual operation. Pneumatic hammers that use clips of nails would be limited to a maximum of ten nails per clip.

They can have my Stiletto when it falls from my arthritic-carpaled tunneled hand.

That fuckin Schmuck Shummer, any body try and buy nails lately, 16 penny all wiped out, some people were digging behind the bin looking for a few on the floor, 8 penny nails dont even ask, sure you can still find some shingle nails if you can find an out of the way lumber yard but you gonna pay through your teeth, fuck.