Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
BCM
User Panel

Posted: 8/28/2002 12:53:56 PM EDT
**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, So I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge #
2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy
shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #
2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge
#3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge
#3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the
beer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge
# 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping
across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded
beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now
a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when
I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier
than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final
entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the
chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
Close Join Our Mail List to Stay Up To Date! Win a FREE Membership!

Sign up for the ARFCOM weekly newsletter and be entered to win a free ARFCOM membership. One new winner* is announced every week!

You will receive an email every Friday morning featuring the latest chatter from the hottest topics, breaking news surrounding legislation, as well as exclusive deals only available to ARFCOM email subscribers.


By signing up you agree to our User Agreement. *Must have a registered ARFCOM account to win.
Top Top