13. The first rule about Beer Club is you do not talk about Beer Club.

12. Before wringing spilled beer into your glass from a soaked shirt, make sure that your date is not still wearing it.

11. Beer math: x(beer) + felony larceny - shirt = "COPS"

10. The Barney Rule: Every sentence must start or end with a belch.

9. Always offer to buy the first round if you want to impress the Bush girls.

8. The optimum number of beers consumed is directly proportional to the ugliness of one's date divided by the distance to the bathroom.

7. After a dozen beers, you must loudly declare your love for your drinking companion. Half a dozen if you're drinking Guinness.

6. The beer-can wall in the dorm is NOT load-bearing.

5. After one six-pack of anything, Old Milwaukee really *is* as good as it gets.

4. Beer on whiskey, mighty risky; whiskey on beer, all is clear; beer on your shirt, take my word, friend: You're *so* not getting laid tonight.

3. When departing for the restroom, don't use the word "lizard" in mixed company.

2. If you drink a beer that has a fly in it, you are required by law to allow the fly to escape to freedom through your nose.

and the Number 1 Little-Known Rule of Beer Drinking...


1. Never puke on something white after Labor Day.