The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be very entertaining...



1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

7. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

9. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

13. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

14. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly approached in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

15. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

16. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

17. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

18. I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

19. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

20. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

21. I saw a slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

22. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

23. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

wow, ar10er seems to be the man with all the jokes tonight.

Keving67

I come here for fun and information.

JUDGE RULES ON E-MAIL PRIVACY CASE



TULSA, OKLA -- The Oklahoma Supreme Court has ruled on a case that many legal experts believe clearly delineates the e-mail privacy rights of computer users in the workplace. Judge Stan Musing declared that employees have a right to expect that their employers will refrain from monitoring e-mail messages transmitted on company systems. The case went to court after programmer Augustus Lindsey's supervisor monitored his e-mail and intercepted a message from Lindsey to a colleague.

The message read: "That little sex kitten has been driving me wild. She's moaning and begging for it every minute. Last night I was afraid someone would hear, and we'd be thrown out of the building. But don't worry -- all is arranged. Wednesday she gets the knife". Lindsey's supervisor alerted authorities, suspecting that a crime was in the making. Lindsey was arrested on the spot and spent an uncomfortable night discussing the situation with the police. However, he was released in the morning, just in time to get his female cat to the vet for spaying. Lindsey sued his boss for invasion of privacy and sought punitive damages as well

I love em.  Keep them coming

Keving67

I liked that one too.

For The Record...

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:


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Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
your first name!


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Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.



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Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?



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Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.



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Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.



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Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.



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Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.



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Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.



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Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?



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Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.



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Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead
people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.



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Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?



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Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his
words.



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Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.



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Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.



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THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all
present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
any.



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Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to
and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
you and she, with him to the station?


MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
shot.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.



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Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.



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Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.



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Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.



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Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

that's some funny sh*t, thanks for the laugh.
Fireguy

Yep !!

Hey ETH, you have any funny court room antics like the above?