A FIELD GUIDE TO GUN SHOWS
By The Elitist

Gun shows are an old and honored American tradition. The basic idea-putting sellers, buyers, and stock in the same room and letting Free Market Forces go to work-is as old as commerce, but the American form of gun show has evolved its own manners, vocabulary, and etiquette.

Gun shows are run by and for dreamers. Every dealer who sets up a table seems to think that the people who attend are half-wits who will happily pay 25% more than manufacturer's suggested retail price for their goods; and all the attendees hold it as an article of faith that the exhibitors are desperate men who have come in the hopes of finally disposing of their stock at 30% less than wholesale cost.

In this environment it helps to have some idea what to expect; so for the benefit of those who are so unfortunate as never to have experienced this distinctively American form of mass entertainment, I offer this guide, the summation of what I've learned from 30 years of show-going. I've included a glossary of terms you'll need to know, and an introduction to some of the people you'll meet.

PEOPLE YOU WILL MEET AT THE GUN SHOW
RAMBO: He's looking for an Ingram MAC-10, and wants to have it custom chambered in .44 Magnum as a back-up gun. For primary carry he wants a Desert Eagle, provided he can get it custom chambered in .50 BMG. He derides the .50 Action Express as a wimp round designed for ladies' pocket pistols. He has already bought three years' worth of freeze-dried MRE's from MARK, as well as seven knives. He is dressed in camoflage BDU's and a black T-shirt with the 101st AirBorne Division insignia, though he has never been in the Army. He works as a bag boy at Kroger's.

BUBBA: He needs some money, and has reluctantly decided to sell his Daddy's .30-30, a Marlin 336 made in 1961. He indignantly refuses all cash offers below his asking price of $475. Unable to sell it, eventually he trades it plus another $175 for a new-in-box H&R Topper in .219 Zipper. He feels pretty good about the deal.

GORDON: He is walking the aisles with a Remington Model 700 ADL in .30-06 on his shoulder. He's put an Uncle Mike's cordura sling and a Tasco 3x9 variable scope on it. A small stick protrudes from the barrel, bearing the words, "LIKE NEW ONLY THREE BOXES SHELLS FIRED $800." This is his third trip to a show with this particular rifle, which he has never actually used, since he lives in a shotgun-only area for deer.

DAWN: She is here with her boyfriend, DARRYL. At the last show, DARRYL bought her a Taurus Model 66 in .357 Magnum. She fired it twice and is afraid of it, but at DARRYL'S insistence she keeps it in a box on the top shelf of her clothes closet in case someone breaks in. She is dressed in a pair of blue jeans that came out of a spray can, a "Soldier of Fortune" T-shirt two sizes too small, and 4" high heels. DARRYL is ignoring her, but nobody else is.

DARRYL: He has been engaged to DAWN for three years. He likes shotguns for defense, and he's frustrated that he can't get a Street Sweeper anymore. So he's bought a Mossberg 500 with the 18-1/2" barrel, a perforated handguard, and a pistol grip. He plans to use it for squirrel hunting when he isn't sleeping with it. He plans to marry DAWN as soon as he gets a job which pays him enough to take over the payments on her mobile home. His parole officer has no idea where he is at the moment.

ARNOLD: He is a car salesman in Charlottesville, Virginia. He has a passion for Civil War guns, especially cap-and-ball revolvers. He has a reproduction Remington 1858, and is looking for a real one he can afford. He owns two other guns: a S&W Model 60 and a Sauer & Sohn drilling with Luftwaffe markings that his grandfather brought home in 1945. He has no idea what caliber the rifle barrel on his drilling is, and he last fired the Model 60 five years ago.

DICK: He is a gun dealer who makes his overhead selling Jennings J-25's, Lorcin .380's, and H&R top-break revolvers. He buys the J-25's in lots of 1000 direct from the factory at $28.75 each, and sells them for $68.00 to gun show customers. He buys the H&R's for $10 at estate auctions and asks $85 for them, letting you talk him down to $78 when he is feeling generous. His records are meticulously kept: he insists on proper ID and a signature on the 4473, but he doesn't mind if the ID and the signature aren't yours. Other than his stock, he owns no guns and he has no interest in them.


ARLENE: She is DICK's wife. She hates guns and gun shows more than anything in the world. Her husband insists that she accompany him to keep an eye on the table when he's dickering or has to go to the men's room. She refuses to come unless she can bring her SONY portable TV, even though she gets lousy reception in the Civic Center and there isn't any cable. When DICK is away from the table, she has no authority to negotiate, and demands full asking price for everything. She doesn't know the difference between a rifle and a shotgun, and what's more, she doesn't care.

MARK: He doesn't have an FFL. He buys a table at the show to sell nylon holsters, magazines, T-shirts, bumber stickers, fake Nazi regalia, surplus web gear, MRE's and accessories. He makes more money than anyone else in the hall.

ALAN: He's not a dealer, but he had a bunch of odds and ends to dispose of, so he bought a table. On it he displays used loading dies in 7.65 Belgian and .25-20, both in boxes from the original Herter's company. He also has a half-box of .38-55 cartridges, a Western-style gun belt he hasn't been able to wear since 1978, a used cleaning kit, and a nickel-plated Iver Johnson Premier revolver in .32 S&W. He's asking $125 for the gun and $40 for each of the die sets. He paid $35 for the table and figures he needs to get at least that much to cover his expenses and the value of his time.

GERALD: He's a physician specializing in diseases of the rich. He collects Brownings, and specializes in High-Power pistols, Superposed shotguns, and Model 1900's. He has 98% of the known variations of each of these, and now plans to branch out into the 1906 and 1910 pocket pistols. He owns no handguns made after the Germans left Liege in 1944. He regards Japanese-made "Brownings" as a personal insult and is a little contempuous of Inglis-made High-Powers. He does not hunt or shoot. He buys all his gun accessories from Orvis and Dunn's.

KEVIN: He is 13, and this is his first gun show. His eyes are bugged out with amazement, and he wonders what his J.C. Higgins single-shot 20-gauge is worth. His father gives him an advance on his allowance so he can buy a used Remington Nylon 66. He's hooked for life and will end up on the NRA's Board of Directors.

Here's the one I think you were refering to.


The Know it ALL dealer :
The know it all dealer can tell you the entire history of every gun in the place. He can be a great help to a newbie but the fact is he doesn't know shit. In his perfect memory (fantasy) the guns on his table are truly unique and one of a kind. Never mind the fucking serial numbers being in the 4 million range.
When doing you the large favor of just acknowledging your presence, he can and will make you the deal of a lifetime. Preban (sic) weapons of fierce lineage. The AR15 on his table ? Yep, sure enough it's the one issued to Carlos Hathcock. The Norinco .45 ? You gessed it, Audie Murphy carried that one. The hicap AR mags ? Of course they are the "real deal" buster. These were carried in 'nam. None of the imitation USGI shit here man, the real thing. They have 10% of the original finish left and are worth $60 each, and you are damn lucky he is in a good mood.
The Wannabe :
This guy is usually in his late teens or early twenties. Hasn't been laid but once in his life and wants you to believe you are an inch away from a sure, swift, horrific death just because he walked within 5 feet of you on an aisle. Sporting the trendy "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out" new t-shirt and a pair of Danner copies. His pants are stuffed in his boot tops, he is DAMN sure he can handle any weapon at the show and is the first guy in line to by from Mr. Know it ALL dealer. He is specops material for sure. If he ever saves enough money to buy gas to go over to the enlistment office he will offer his services to this fine country of ours. As long as he can skip boot camp, not have to cut his hair and can lead some really cool Ranger outfit. Otherwise, it's too much trouble. He watches movies about war and sits and loudly elaborates on how he would have done things if he had been in charge of the movie outfit.
The Class III dealer :
This guy is one way cooool mother fucker. He has twenty five guns lined out on his table with the little signs "Please don't touch" every two or three inches. If you ask him ANY question he looks scornfully at you and let's you know you are a waste of good useable oxygen. He has the same guns at every show, and the same crappy accessories in his little glass case. The reason he hangs on to his stuff forever is he wants 13k for a registered receiver Uzi in about 70%. This along with the BANNED SAR48 Springfield for $9500 in 80%. The mags in the case ? Well they are there for serious customers only. Yep, Glock hicaps are $125 each and oh yes, the MP5 curved 30 rd mags at $100 each used is only for a "serious" buyer. Sadly he doesn't realize just how much business he pisses away when answering every question with an angry, hostile response. He doesn't at all understand money or the international exchange rate of same. This is evident because this idiot full auto bastard MUST have everything priced based on Canadian dollars. Why would he be 40% high on everything ?

The JUNK guy :
This fine fellow will bring 8 tables worth of rusted shit you never recognize. He has several boxes of stuff on his tables. Too lazy to unload, tag or price any of it, he is assuming that every son of a bitch at the show is going to stop in and immediately recognize something from the mess. Goes to EVERY show, the same shit and when you walk buy, he is sitting on his ass talking shit to a buddy and ignoring anyone or anything around his tables. If you happen to be so lucky as to get his attention and ask about a specific item in the hopes that the all elusive magic part you need may be hidden away in his shit, he simply says "yeah I have one, check back with me in about an hour, I will see if I can find it". You, being most patient and amenable agree and walk on. After an hour, you drop back by his table and ask if he found your wonderzap springs. "What was that ? Yeah I think I have one of those, check back with me in an hour or so"
The Mag Guy :
This fellow sells only mags. He may wear a white straw cowboy hat. His attitude is the worst of any seller in the show. He has hundreds of mags, all thrown out on a table. Many are rusted and worn beyound recognition. If you happen to ask about a specific mag, he snaps at you and informs you " yeah $140". Shit ! Who knew a CZ mag would be worth that much ? If you ask him to confirm the price, he gets furious and barks for you to move on since you can't afford shit anyway. Nevermind the black Steyr you are carrying and the 5k in cash you brought.
The Kinda Shady Guy :
This person has two tables. It is covered with things ranging from LEO mags to fucked up home job AR kit guns. His willingness to let you in on the "really good deals" on shit you can't get ANYWHERE else is a testament to his fine demeanor. "Yeah those are LEO mags, but hey do you REALLY think they're gonna chack you ? Shit, those BATF guys don't care about this kind of stuff, they are out looking for gun runners. They're too stupid to even know what's legal and what isn't anyway. If the LEO mags bother you, I have a shitload of ones I just refinished myself. You can't see the LEO markings on them at all " The AR kit guns all have selector switches that rotate 180 degrees and some have an M16 bolt. He isn't going to tell anyone about them so just buy it and keep quiet...ok ? You can have an AR with MACHINE GUN parts in it. How cool is that ? The AR's are right next to the pre-86 $179 drop in sears with the copied letter in the little bag, just so you can be "legal".

The Beanie Baby/Ammo guy :
He is selling ammo and beanie babies. Well actually his wife and kid are selling the beanie babies. Cavim .308 for $200 a case and Pooch the Snoot (or WTF ever) beanie baby for $25 bucks. Nevermind the fact that he bought the Cavim from the guy across the aisle who still has quite a bit left selling for $149 a case. He opens up boxes of IMI SS109 from Cole and puts a few on stripper clips and sells it to The Wannabe for $60 a clip. If you happen to be so bold as to inquire why in hell he would try to sell ammo right across the aisle from the same ammo priced $50 less a case, he just looks real confused at you and says I got two cases, you interested in a Beanie Baby today ?
The Knife Guy :
This guy is sharp. He is in the zone when it comes to gunshows. He buys every piece of merchandise he sells off the Shop At Home cable show. The daggers, the swords and oh HELL yes the tactical folders with a boot, belt or pocket clip. Where the hell else is Wannabe going to get the really cool survival knife for 18 bucks out the door ? Where WOULD the Mexicans buy the daggers and Bowie knock offs to keep in their back pockets ?
The Beef Jerky guy :
This fellow has lost sight of the fact that "THIS - IS - A - GUNSHOW". He puts his two coolers of shrink wrapped jerky on the table, a cooler of cold drinks and a little sign reading "free cold drink with every purchase". He spends the entire gunshow giving out samples to passers-by. He sells beef jerky to the Beanie Baby/Ammo guy because he is too cheap to buy his wife and kid a hotdog from the concession stand, the FREE cold drink cinched it. The trips, three purchases and viola ! free lunch and drinks. The Jerky guy thinks he is doing well because three customers have bought his beef jerky in the last 10 minutes. He has no idea the reason his table always seems so crowded is because he is setup right in front of the concession stand at all those people are in line to get nachos.
The Doofus Guy :
This fellow is in his late 50's or 60's and works gunshows part time with the missus. She sits behind the table all day, licking her little dogs ass and smoking like a fucking chimney. She is wearing sequens and makes damn sure everyone she speaks with KNOWS she drove here in a Lincoln. They are trying to sell things like Leapers scopes, lame videos, cheapo cleaning stuff and aftermarket sights. They don't know shit about what goes with or on what and their only response to any question is "what we have is on display" He is pussy whipped beyond belief and at randon times (when safe) he has an outburst just to confirm his manhood (as long as Mama says it is ok). No warranty, no refund, all sales final. If you buy anything from him and it breaks well, you should have known that before you bought it.

The Mexican gunshow attendee :
I'm not talking about Americans who have Mexican heritage, I'm talking about the taco bending mother fucker who can't speak a word of english and is wearing white shoes. He is dragging the wife who is wearing her rosary and a shawl along with 8 or 9 mutants screaming and running around getting in the way. Wannabe, has to hold back when he sees them. He is sure he could take them all. The Mexican is looking for an AK. It is Saturday, he went by the liquor store and cashed his paycheck on the way to the show, so he is rolling in fluid cash. Three maybe four hundred. He walks past one table and another until he comes to the one he has been "looking for". A VERY post Romak single stack. $400 and a handshake later he is over at the Mag Guy's table trying to buy 30 rd mags for it. His wife just looks confused and a little nervous, the kids are all lined up at the Beef Jerky guys table swiping samples like government cheese

The Mag Guy gets pissed and starts yelling and the Mexican gets offended. He leaves the wife at the Mag Guys table holding the single stack Romak, to go over to see the Knife Guys to get a kinfe so he can settle this shit. He will be right back. The kinda shady guy who sold him the Romak is keeping his head down now in hopes that the Mexican doesn't realize he bought a single stack for $400. The Doofus stops the Mexican on the way to the Knife Guy's table and asks if he would like to buy a set of paper-clip night sights for his new AK. He does.
By now the Beanie Baby/Ammo guy sees the Mexican and offers him some ammo. Realizing the Mexican doesn't speak english, he decides to quit trying to sell ammo and picks up a beanie baby and says loudly and slowly " PIINNNYYAAAATTAA por El Nino". He takes two.

By now Wannabe is damn sure all hell is going to break loose. He hurries back to the Know it ALL dealers table and buys all the $60 AR mags, 'cause the shit is about to hit the fuckin' fan and he has got to have the real deal to come out of it alive.

The Class III dealer is now sure one of the little Mexicans who are picking up his guns are going to steal one. He starts running around the table trying to chase the little bastards off and realizes one of them ran off with an MP5K and is running around the show yelling BANG ! BANG !

Every time he tries to catch the little turd he runs under a table to the next aisle. Finally the little bandito gets to the Kinda Shady Guys table. KSG realizes the opportunity at hand and shoves the kid under his table until Mr Class III asshole runs by in a panic. When the coast is all clear he pulls the little Mexican out from under the table and sends him on his way. He takes the MP5K from the kid and tells him he shouldn't be playing with real guns, the kid hears his mother scream and takes off because Mexican just stabbed the Mag Guy with the knife he bough from The Knife guy. Kinda Shady Guy turns around and digs in his bag, slaps a price tag on the MP5K and put's it out on his table for sale.

The Junk guy realizes the Mag Guy is now dead and goes over and offers to buy all the mags left from the Mag Guys wife. Horribly shaken, she agrees and sell everything. The Junk Guy rakes all the mags off the table into a
couple of boxes and takes and sets both boxes out on his table.

This is usually where I come in. Everyone acting like they just won the lottery or pissed off at the world. Doofus, Beanie Baby, Beef Jerky and Knife guys have had a good day. They sold something. Know it ALL Dealer and Class III guys are now more sure than they were EVER before that their opinions of gunshow customers are accurate. Kinda Shady guy still isn't saying shit (know what I mean ?) and Wannabee is stranded on one of the rafters where he climbed up to get a better shot. He is hanging upside down from a rapelling rope and yelling for help as he tries to get to his survival knife. Not sure what he is going to do with it when he gets to it though. The Junk Guy made out like a bandit, but will never realize it because he will continue to ignore buyers and the Mag Guy...well let's just say
I ain't going to lose any sleep over him being gone.

So as I walk from aisle to aisle, looking for anything I can use, I always feel like I just missed the big happening.

Why else would these ignorant fucks be the way they are ?

Yep, I must have missed something big.

Apparently you didn't see the Photoshopped picture of Miss Magnum in hair curlers, wrestling.

Or... crap there are too many. But this is a classic. [:)]

This is great!

Perfect, except that here in Atlanta our Mag Guy wears a Rebel  Officers hat, speaks with a German accent, and lives in New Orleans. Comes to all the Eastman Shows, makes off handed Nazi like comments, and doesn't realize that Matt Eastman, the show's honcho, is Jewish. [:D]

Yep, they are there, every time.

The recent Dallas Market Hall show had a "Mr. Know It All" preaching to 3 newbies eyeing a P99 on how; "the .40S&W is the most lethal cartridge of all time." I butted in to add some sanity. After he spouted back some more non-sense, I had to tell his audience that the table over there had new P99's for $110 less. [;D]

You're right about that (If you're talking about Dale's wife). She's actually very sweet, don't you think?
BTW who is your dad? I probably know him.

Jake

that is so funny!!! its so true, especially this one