Think I'm done with membership. Ive been here since in high school, and pay and beyond selling shit, well i thought it was different. I'll burden my load alone like always.

I posted this in this thread , and despite being able to joke about it, it's been eating me up pretty bad. Part of the reason why I had wanted to go to Ukraine was because of her. I have family connections there, but no small part of me wanted to go because I knew that I'd probably die over there. And I wanted that.

I started thinking about times in the past when I almost died, like when I took a 7.62 in my SAPI, and started asking God why he didn't let it hit a few inches higher, and then I would never have had to deal with feeling this way.

On the other end of the spectrum, I've felt this feeling that I can't explain, and it's scaring the shit out of me. I feel like she broke something inside of me, something other than my heart, and I don't quite know what it is, but I know it's important because I've never had a feeling like this before in my entire life... Apparently, in the course if her doing her new thing, something bad happened to her. You know, that something bad. She told me about it, said that someone spiked her drink, and she lost 2-3 hours, and that something happened to her. I said all the things that you're supposed to say, "I'm sorry that happened to you," etc. But I didn't feel anything.

Like, if she had told me that a year ago, or even two months ago, my reaction would've been 180° from this. I'd feel anger, rage, I'd want to protect her and I'd blame myself for not being there. I'd want to find the guy that did it, and start kicking doors. But I felt nothing. I felt nothing, and that scares the shit out of me. I feel like something important is broken, and I don't know what it is, and I want to fix it. Because I don't want to feel nothing.

She still has this hold on me though, and I don't think I have it in me to shake it. I don't want to find anyone else. But I know she's gone.

I had a really intense relationship, like yours, where we were talking about getting married, the whole nine yards. I was so incredibly in love, and she seemed to be too.  I was all in.

We were on the phone, a land line, this was over 20 years ago, and she had another call come in while we were talking.  She asked to put me on hold and see who it was.  Instead of being on hold, it connected as a three way call.  I heard a dude’s voice… so I quietly listened.  For 10 minutes she and this guy went on about how much they loved each other, talked about the great sex they have, how in crazy she is for him… getting married.

After a few minutes, I think I stopped breathing all together from the pain.  I just couldn’t process it.  Once they hung up, I hung up, and she tried to call me.  I couldn’t answer.  After an hour of sobbing, I worked up the anger to drive over to her place.  I didn’t lose my cool…  instead, I went in and asked how her other fiancée was doing by name.  The look on her face… the lies and excuses…  i just told her to fuck off.  I walked out of there, and I stopped answering her calls.  I had an answering machine. She would leave messages constantly… from sorry, to angry, to crying…  I just didn’t listen.  I ghosted her and made sure I didn’t run into her again.

A few years later I met someone and got married, had a kid, and things were pretty good.  We did eventually divorce, but a year or so later I found my soul mate and we have been together for fifteen years.  She is my everything.  

The gal that cheated on me…  she found me on Facebook a few years ago when I still used it.  She was a recovering meth addict, looked like 300lbs of dog shit, and I was so very happy that she cheated on me. It taught me that you never can tell how things will turn out.  It also taught me that when you keep a closed fist with anger as you hold on, you can’t accept a gift, since that requires an open hand.   You have to let go of the bad ones, be patient, and trust me,  time will heal that heart up and you will find happiness.  I guarantee it.

Dealing with what looks like a divorce right now.  Amicable but still not fun.  Nearly 20 years together, 12 years married.  2 kids.  

Im still processing.  While I somewhat feel it needs to happen, I dont want to lose my wife.  She has put everything in front of me for the past 7 years.  From friends, to the kids.  It finally came to a head and I told her we either fix it or its over.  I cant be 3rd in line all the time, especially since I own and run a business.  I need her support and its not there, she simply doesnt care.  

The hardest part is giving up the house and being away from the kids.  Im 42 and heading to live with my dad.  ugh

So my dad's in the hospital because he's having mini strokes, and my wife's grandpa fell and gave her grandma a panic attack, so last we heard they are both in the hospital too. We're supposed to get updated as stuff changes and haven't heard shit. I've been burning the candle at both ends with work and school so bad I was gonna text my dad monday and I blinked and it's already thursday, but I figure she would have tried to find out something.

She's a no news is good news person, whereas I had no news and got to the hospital just in time to hear my grandpa's death groan. And her phone messed up and didn't get any of my texts today, which made it seem like some serious shit went down...


I mean, Odin, God, whatever mystical being may be out there, I started going gray when I was 20. Can we cut it down on the stress and the anxiety, ptsd, and depression triggers? I mean one person dieing, I am eggshell fine these days, but I can handle that. But not 3 people at once...not that shit again.

They're all fine, just depression, anxiety, whatever the fuck this is, is just a bitch.

Family Dr, Psychologist, Psychiatrist.

My time to go in was when I had hit rock bottom & saw no way out.

When i went into a hospital I had been in a horrible depression for a year and a half. I was taking medicine for it but I became pretty much homebound. I laid there and prayed to die all day long.

Finally one day I got a job and was totally out of it. I wrote a letter to the family, went to work the next day to give myself one more day. Everything went wrong that day so the decision was made to end it when I got off.

Co worker I had known 2 days saw that I was really bad off and encouraged me to call my parents and wife. Called my Dr and asked to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital.

That night my parents and wife went to the hospital with me. After I got checked in I was put in a suicide watch room the first day. My only goal was to get out of that room, hated the room.

The next day twice a day we started going to group therapy. I figured it would be stupid but that's what turned me around. They also put me in a room with another patient & we got along well. The 2nd day the nurse informed me that my wife would be gone when I got out.

After 3 more days of group therapy I went home to my parents. After a month and a half I had a job I liked, had lost all my weight, got my own place and did very well. I guess I just had to hit rock bottom. The group therapy is the best.

Don't be ashamed to ask for help. I was made fun of by a few of the ex's family members for having been in a mental hospital. All of them ended up sick themselves in the next few years. Guess who they called when they were going through hell? I answered and talked to them every time. Going in that hospital was the best decision I ever made.

That's rough.

I occasionally get bad back and neck spasms, and I've found that midol works pretty well for those. It might be worth considering. I'm not a doctor though, so do your homework on that.

I don't have anyone to talk to.

Do you have family somewhere else that you can talk to, even if just over the phone?

If not, I'm sure that you can find someone here to talk to. If you want my number I'll give it to you. I don't know if I have much to offer other than an ear, and I work a weird schedule and can be hard to get a hold of, but the offer is there.

So my wife and I got into it the other night. We both had that kinda upbringing where we avoid conflict, so you just kinda ignore the little stuff, we've never really got into it.

It's been getting to that point where we were like you know what, lets have a drink or two, you talk about all the shit that I do that pisses you off, I'll talk about all the shit you do that pisses me off, no holds barred, be as brutally honest as you can, if it hurts or triggers you that's an area in your life where you're fucking up


Honestly, stuff is a bit of a struggle now, because we're trying to fix where we've been fucking up, but I couldn't tell you the last time my I had that good of a night's sleep

It sucks but the best thing to do is be the best you can be and move on. Date when you are ready and try to enjoy yourself.

I was like that with my ex wife. We have been divorced for almost 20 years. We have a son together and her two kids are like my own. She had a hold on me for years after we divorced.

She's been remarried twice but I dated some but didn't want anyone else. I should have stuck with a few of them & forgot about her.  Now I'm older and don't care about dating.

It took me probably 9 or 10 years before I realized that us not being together was for the best.

Now the kids are all grown and have kids. Even though she has been married to a good guy for several years I am Grandpa. Me and my ex get along well but sometimes it's just not meant to be.

She still hugs me to this day and I'm happy that I feel nothing. I just feel stupid for losing so many years because of believing we would be back together.

You nailed it!  I think back and hit myself because I was so stupid to fall for my ex's games for so many years. We have a son together so had to see each other so that made it worse.

Me ex is a good person but there's no way I could live with her. Had all these other women to date but squandered it because of her games.  Moving on after a breakup is definitely the best thing to do even though it hurts like hell at the time.

I know I don't actually know anyone here but,

You and anyone else on this site can inbox me anytime to talk about anything. (keep in mind im not a mental health professional, and I also struggle daily.)

I appreciate everyone sharing their struggles on this thread. That takes alot of courage. I could never do it. Sometimes I come to this thread just to read about other people's problems which helps me get some more perspective on life, and that does help me with my own struggles. So thank you.

I will never quit, and thats all I ask of everyone who reads this.

https://www.ar15.com/forums/general/Please-someone-with-more-stronger-faith-than-me-/5-2547024/

stpolaris needs help.  I have his phone # if anyone is interested.

Never mind, all good

Wife of 16yrs, walked in on her masturbating and having phone sex.
Had me arrested on a fake assault charge, spent 2 months living out of Motel 6.
Finally got back into the house,(she was long gone) Bitch still comes by and steals my mail.
This was 3 yrs ago... She's still doing it.

Edit.

Feel the same way. Message if you want.

Probably on facetime with another guy. Pretty wrong.

Anyway. I came here just to say that self help books can go a long way for many people struggling with many different problems.
 Obviously not a cure all but just a reminder, books are cool.

Talked with my lawyer today (my hearing is next week).  They flat out rejected a consent agreement. He is making a final request and is going to call me this afternoon.

He’s said they’re hopefully going for a two year suspension of my nursing license, two years mandatory anger management and psychiatric counseling at my expense, and a lifetime ban on me working in psychiatric nursing or long term care, followed by five years probation. (This sounds horrible but it beats jail and being registered as an ‘abuser’).

This will only be in the state where I was working when I was attacked by the mental hospital patient/sex offender. My home state has still said I’m suspended indefinitely. If they agree to abide by the court’s agreement, I’ll be sixty two years old when I get my license fully restored.

Right now I’m making $16/hour working at a temporary job, if I get hired in full time I might clear $25,000 this year.

I just want to give up. I’ve finally gotten to where I’ve caught up on my bills—last week I had $20 left at the end of the week and that was a cause to celebrate. I finally got caught up.

A small win is still a win.

I like AJ_Dual's suggestion. Especially with gas prices being what they are, think about how much more you'd save by not having to commute.

Solid recommendation.  IMO, remote job opportunities are abundant yet seem harder to find.  With that said, good remote job opportunities with benefits are out there.  Keep your chin up.

Good remote jobs are out there. Takes some time to find. I stumbled upon one last October, started November 1st. Incredible pay, benefits, people I work with.

I’m not sure I’d want to do coding—I hate, absolutely hate data entry and stuff like that. Additionally, my home has very spotty shitty Internet service. My ex had a home office/remote job and couldn’t do it here because we constantly  had service dropping out and speed issues.

I’m enjoying the job I’ve taken at the lab but it’s through a temp agency for a employee out on sick leave. If I hired in thru the company my pay would rise quite a bit but there’s no guarantee that I’ll get hired in.

Last night I had a long talk with my lawyer, the board said the judge rejected anything other than a lifetime ban. So my lawyer wants to put me on the stand, explain everything that happened. He says at this point I have nothing to lose and even though he’s certain they’ll still revoke my license and ban me from nursing or working in healthcare.

I sat in my car last night wondering if the fight is worth it. I poured four years of my life into becoming a nurse, tried to make a better life for me and my family. It cost me my marriage. It feels like every dream I had is slowly being ripped away. My marriage, my family, my home, my career.

One of my friends told me the other day ‘it’s just a job’. No, it wasn’t. I don’t know how to describe what being a caregiver is like...it’s not any one thing, like changing a bandage or administering a medication or starting an IV line or cleaning a wound. It’s not giving patient care or filling out a chart. But it was something I was good at and I felt like I was making a difference, and when I looked at myself in the mirror I was proud of who I was and what I was going, and for so much of my life, I’d lived with people telling me I was no good, I was worthless, I was nothing. This was the first time ever I felt good about who I was and what I was doing. It sounds stupid but until you’ve gone from one place in your life to another it’s hard to really understand how it feels.

Based on your story (which I honestly don't feel is the full story) I definitely would & that way its in the court record as to what happened. Make sure you highlight that you asked for help multiple times and you never received that help.

Another continuance. Scheduling conflict with the layers and other trials. no new date set as of yet.

Stress is eating me alive. Most nights I fall asleep, exhausted, between nine and ten pm. I wake up around 2am and can’t fall back asleep, and lay awake until sunrise.

Dude I will talk to you………. My wife says I will talk to anyone, including strangers, so shoot me an IM……I know what it’s like. Recently lost my father and found it’s a lot more difficult to process than I thought , so talking has been cathartic

already

@smashy did you find someone to talk to?

@jsg7162 did you find someone to talk to also?

Just posted this in a different thread for someone else.

I think its worth posting here too.

This guy’s videos help me. They might help other people here too.

Gingerbread man stepped up, so I'm grateful to him for that.

My life is a mess right now but I'll live. Thanks.

You're welcome.

I want to encourage everyone to keep fighting....keep fighting whatever demons you have---there is hope and everyday brings the chance that you will discover the answers---that next piece of the puzzle that will help you understand and get over what ever it is you are working through.  

After the death of my wife from cancer in 2017, believing that I was okay to start loving and living again and looking for love in all the right places and with all the right motives at what appeared to be the right time; I met, sincerely, honestly, and naively fell deeply in love with, and married (as rare as they actually are) an bonafide narcissist. I had NO idea.  We were married almost two of what I thought of in many ways as the most amazing years of my life....until she just couldn't hide who she was any longer and flipped like a light switch into something I just couldn't recognize.  I STILL had no idea.
Over this past year I have been suffering from the scariest depression I have ever experienced because I had "trauma bonded" to her.  I cried in inconsolable ways every single day for most of 8 months...after she ghosted, stonewalled, and discarded me using every other page in the narcissist playbook to hurt, destroy, and control me.  I had no understanding of any of this-the confusion, doubts, guilt of all of this was terrible. I had weekly thoughts of making that really bad decision.  I have been seeing professionals (9 months) because my depression was out of control--and compound grief (her leaving along with 7 other deaths in 5 years) was a huge component of my depression.  However, with the help of professionals and a lot of talking... one day it all came together for me and I finally got it. I'm on my way to healing now that I understand what happened....I'm slow but I get there.  

Today as I write this note I am thankful that I hung on....just one more day.

Please continue to reach out if you're hurting....there are good good people here and there is strength in being vulnerable to ask for help.

And just when I think things are getting better, they get even worse. fml

I'm sorry to hear that. Are these new problems or the old ones getting worse?

This weekend all my kids came over for Father’s Day. My sons (22, 19 and 17), and my daughters (15, lives with me full time), and 11 and 9. It’s the first time all six of my kids have been here together since Christmas 2019, the day their mom walked out on us.

Every year on Father’s Day my wife would post pictures of our family and say how grateful she was that I was devoted to them, hard working and loving. In 2019 she posted “I’m so lucky to have a husband who is so wonderful, hard working and devoted to our family.”  That was after she got caught in a hotel with my closest friend and got caught having sex with her supervisor at the hospital. I didn’t know it at the time but she’d been seeing her now-husband secretly for about eight  months as of Father’s Day 2019. Last year on Father’s Day they announced their engagement , so this weekend she and her whole family were celebrating that anniversary.

Sunday we dropped off the kids and my daughter and I were driving home...I loved having them all there for the weekend but afterwards I just felt gutted. Our family has disintegrated. My oldest boy and I talked for a long time. He said I didn’t ruin my marriage, he knows his mom threw everything away for her addiction to, well, sex. He told me he wishes he could help me heal. Having my son, the boy I raised , trying to comfort and help me—the dad—just tore me up inside. They’re all good kids. And it kills me that they’re stuck in the middle of this.

I’m finally getting some sleep. I’m taking trazadone for insomnia and it helps, although last time I was on it I was really foggy and emotionless at times—honestly, that’s when my wife went off and started having affairs—because I was emotionally distant and our sex life fell apart because of the medication. No worries about that now.

I just feel empty. When I do have feelings, I’m invariably depressed. Usually I tear up and cry while driving home from work. I feel empty and alone, and knowing my kids are living with my wife and her new husband in their amazing home just makes me feel worthless, old spare parts that got chucked out in the trash.  I hate being this way, it feels like I’m just treading water and all I want to do is close my eyes and go to sleep.
Like

@RevolverRO, for your son to care that much, it's obvious you stay in this world.  In fact, your children gathered with you, which tells me they all love and support you, and you have a place in their world.  You just have to find your new place in your world.    

I know the pain of not living with your own  children, though mine were younger and I would argue that's more difficult.  You can't explain things, they can't explain things.  The older they got, the more they migrated toward me, and I never once bad talked their mom.  They figure it out, as you've begun to see.

You're freaked, because you don't have enough time with your kids.  The truth is, many of us don't have enough time, even with kids under our roof.  Work travel, kids becoming independent, etc.  Yes, we have more control over it than you do at this time, but you're hyper-focused on what you lost, instead of how to make the best of what you have.

A 20-something son acknowledging that you're not at fault is huge and he likely has influence over siblings.

I don't have any tough love or religious judgement to mete out, but I've lived through some things and I can listen like a puppy when needed (hear everything, repeat nothing).

If anyone feels like they need to vent or speak up, PM me and we'll make it work.

It comes and goes. I objectively have a very good life. I’ve gotten to do things most people will never have the chance to. But it means jack shit. 2 minutes ago I was laying here praying to God that I just don’t wake up tomorrow. I don’t want to kill myself, cuz objective traumatic bullshit I’d never want to put on my family and friends. People die in their sleep all the time, though.

I don’t think any body’s got a clue. I walk around with the happy face, save up my breakdowns for private. No active ideations, just a passive desire to be done with it all. Tired. Put someone else in, coach. Ready for a break.
Maybe I should get some therapy, I’ve got some of the old textbook childhood trauma bullshit that manifests risky and self destructive behaviors. I don’t drink much, don’t do drugs, but I definitely crave love and validation by women. Couldn’t tell you if I have a good marriage or bad marriage. I don’t get the affection/intimacy that a neurotic fuck with anxious-attachment tendencies such as myself “needs.” I’m not a good husband. I mean I am, but I’m not. My wife has no idea I’m a piece of shit.
Yeah, maybe therapy would help me deal with my bullshit. Maybe all the sudden I could be happy and excited for what tomorrow might bring. Who the fuck knows. Maybe there is a God and he’s gonna stop the ticker tonight. I doubt it, cuz it’s not the first time. I’ll wake up in the morning, and feel better until I don’t.

Not sure if I should press submit or not, cuz I know it’s going to pass. But it also keeps coming back.  Fuck it, it feels good to vent. Even though I’m alone in my head with all this stuff, it feels kind of good to be able to share it anonymously.
Thank you whoever reads this. You don’t have to reply. I’m just happy to be part of a tribe that has this little corner where it’s ok to not be ok until we’re ok.

I literally could have written this myself. I had to read it twice to make sure I didn't actually write this.

You're not alone, I totally feel what you're saying.

I don't have any magic words to give you but just hope you can find some relief. Good luck. Direct message me if you would like to talk.

Holidays always make me depressed. Maybe it's the extra feeling of being lonely I get.
NGL last I'm doing miles better than the last time I checked into this thread.
Holidays still get me a bit though.

Yeah, wasn't a good holiday for me.

While sitting in my squad car having a moment of "Why am I doing this" someone pulled up next to me and proceeded to tell me I was a piece of shit for getting paid "double time" with his tax dollars to sit around and do nothing.

We don't get paid double time.

I get snide comments and middle fingers regularly at work but something about today...  a lot going on at home is likely the culprit, but anyway...

The Kingdom, great movie with Jamie Foxx.  Below is from the FBI Director, when he was being threatened action by a superior.

He described to his boss that during one battle in Vietnam, they were vastly outnumbered and dawn would bring another attack.  Their commander instructed them to write their obituaries and once they clued in to the fact that the end was inevitable and the only question was how would they go out.  On their feet, or on their knees.  After that decision was made, death didn't seem scary.  

He went on to tell his boss that he brought that same philosophy to his job.  "I act knowing that this job, too, will end.  The only question is how I go out."
I'm doing the same.  I, too, act knowing that my job and career will end some day.  What I now focus on is how I go out - to me, that means, how will I be remembered at home.  I actually used this approach once before seeing the movie, when a customer offered to take me for a ride in his sports car.  0-132MPH on a residential street.  My boss said he was scared shitless, and he looked it.  I told him, I made my peace before stepping into the car.  I didn't want to die, but either I trust this guy or I don't.  If I'm in, I'm all in to enjoy it, and I did.

Earlier this year, I used an Excel sheet to take full advantage of 5 weeks vacation AND sent those dates to my boss.   What gets measured gets done and I had to put dates down, to not let time slip by.  Took a week in January, just got back from a week, taking another week in September, always take time around Christmas, etc.  

All of the above has nearly removed 100% of my anxiety and I'm now working or cleaning up regrets.

Ha, see that's actually sort of funny in my opinion.  
But it sounds like there's a lot of other stuff going on that you might want to talk about. It's typically not the 1 thing that gets under someone's skin it's more the 99 other things that's making them feel down then the +1 on top of it. "Straw that broke the camels back" idea.