I appreciate your excellent advice. I stopped taking benadryl as I've found it easy enough to just go home and pass out without help. Sleep keeps the despair away. When I'm not sleeping, I'm playing guitar. The only waking moments of happiness I have are when I have a guitar in my hands.  I'm getting a band started again and hopefully that will help some. I've tried different meds in the past and unfortunately I am one of those exceptions where I get adverse side effects for most of them. I'm coming to terms with being alone and remaining that way. I went out to a bar with my guitarist last Saturday night. We went to watch a guy who is going to be the singer of our band. The singer's wife knew my guitarist so she came up to him and said hi. He introduced me to her and she literally looked at me with utter disdain, said nothing and turned her back to me. My guitarist saw the whole thing and said " wtf ?". I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I am always respectful, make eye contact, try to smile... This shit happens to me every day and other people have witnessed it so I know it's not all in my head. I'm not disappointed that someone else's wife is not attracted to me, just don't understand why women treat me like a shit covered troll.

I'm going to look into therapy again. Thanks for the insight.

How are you doing RO?   Any updates?

I reached out to my closest friend from school this week and she was kind enough to spend some time talking with me. Just being able to talk to someone and get stuff off my chest helped. Trying to pay my bills and find a job. Keeping busy staves off the feelings of hopelessness. Did some laundry and chores, forcing myself to do physical activities sounds like a stupid simple thing but stuff like that really seems to help with the depression.

Yesterday I had a long deposition on zoom with my attorney and the investigator from DHHR. It was the first time anyone asked my side of the story. It went ok but my attorney said he’s pretty sure regardless of any facts they’re going to decide against me and we’ll have to appeal. He gave me a bunch of contacts to try and find a pro bono attorney to rep me in KY but after an afternoon of calls I haven’t had any luck getting anyone interested in representing me with the nursing board. In any case at least it kept me busy. I’ve been applying everywhere for jobs, had in interview Friday but haven’t heard back from anyone yet.

My younger daughters have been at their mom’s  for the last two weeks, yesterday my ex called and she and my youngest (8) are positive for Covid. She took the other kids to get swabbed and we’re waiting for results. My 15-year-old is here with me and it looks like we’re both ok so far.

This link isn't posted in this thread and maybe it could be added as resources near the top post  

Its simple page that explains how suicide happens and gives help and advice on how to get help that isn't preachy and gives more than here is the  help line phone numbers type advice   https://metanoia.org/suicide/   It also helps people to understand Suicides  happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. Doesn't ask them for anything but 5 minutes and doesn't guilt or shame them like other help sites.

I hope it helps who ever finds it here, if you need it. There are many people on here that will make the time for you, if you don't get quick enough answer from posting on this thread,  look at the prior people's posts on here and their state and aim for one in time zone that might be up early or late with a PM/email.  Someone will answer.   While  we can't fix everything, sometimes someone  else can advocate saying the exact thing you have been saying to be it doctors, whatever system you are caught up in making your life a living hell,  but some weird reason that exact same statement  suddenly is heard and valid because someone said it for you. Much  like how a  lawyer can say things in court that you can't....  

If anyone needs help to get bed space inpatient and is worried about not being taken seriously and/or not getting through the admittance screening. Please let me know or someone else. We can tell you what trigger words to use to hit check boxes for higher risk/need. The system at times doesn't make it easy for someone that doesn't talk about things(*feelings or problems) openly or is more of a private and introverted person. Especially without not being "already being in the system" with a flag to admit if  they show up at Psychiatry ER .  It really frustrates me that the old joke is sadly true about "if you want stay inpatient demand to be sent home, but if you want to go home, beg them to stay inpatient."  This old issue had lead to sad results with the system in my city.


Also if you haven't heard of Advance Psychiatric Directives aka Mental Health Advance Directives forms  please see https://nrc-pad.org/  Which has the forms and pages about each state's forms , the usage of them and any special needs or actions to make them valid.  This is just like Advance Physical Health Directives for your body but covers  your mind, for any mental and/or emotion issues.  In case you are not ok,  not able to give consent, not able to understand what is happening....  This document  speaks for you about hospitalization, needs, who to contact, and more.

If you have fears about losing control, this form will protect you, so your wishes and advance medical choices are known and have to be followed within reason. So you can yes or no to certain treatments, but  you can't make them redecorate you room as a "My Little Pony" Theme suite kind of deal.   If you have any issues or PTSD triggers this form will help them help you. Example  if you need a quite place and/or to sit where you back isn't to the door. They can accommodate that once they know.  These forms are best filled out before you find yourself in a mental health crisis and/or if someone slipped something in your drink at a bar and you have no grasp temporary on reality.  This document form can help them get things sorted out easier.  If you have ever had medications before and reactions good or bad this is a  great form to list them on. All doctors like that type cheat sheet, especially if your health records are scattered all over multiple hospital systems.  

I just need to be killed. I don't look right.
Not interested in just eking out an existence. When basic needs weren't getting met, I lost interest.

What do you look like?

@58Eldorado

Tell us your story. PM me if you would rather have a private conversation.

PM me if you would want to talk for a bit.

I'm not at the point of thinking life isn't worth living, but would really appreciate if someone could spare a few minutes, maybe more to just talk me through some personal/work thoughts on the phone sometime. I'll pay it forward when I have the opportunity.

PM incoming.  

deleted

I read what you posted earlier.
I know what you are talking about.

P.M. if you wish to chat.

How's everyone doing?
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Had a shite last couple days. Really trying to move to utah, trying to get my finances together and just got hit with expense after expense this month.  Goofy shit too, like phone screen broke, office chair broke and just been struggling. I got a bill in the mail today for $3000. I did about 10 weeks of pt 6 months ago that I was told my insurance would cover. I wouldn't have done the pt if it didn't covered by insurance. Now they send me a bill. .
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My heads a bit of a mess it's never one thing, but a bunch of things. One thing you can deal with, but when it's 10-15 things on your shoulders it sucks. Valentine's day is coming up sucks to spend that alone too. 27 and counting. Real fucking fun.
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I'll be okay just needed to vent for a bit.

Better today than yesterday, trying to quit alcohol yet again made an ass out of myself yet again. The stress is  just getting to me this month/year I'm literally stuck at home do to the SO's job schedule( my job was absolved) and the kids being in school at different times of the day and never knowing when they have "close contact", The SO's moms cancer came back and has 4 months to live ( looking at her i doubt it) They weren't very close but we've been doing all the appointments etc. She has no will, not much money  besides what shes hid in the apartment that we can't find, trying to get access to her accounts so we can pay her bills so we don't have to. Kids can't even go see her at the hospital cause covid. Now my own sister doesn't want to come up here because of the whole covid/vax thing( shes a teacher). And were conservative. A little bit amounting debt but thank god the Grandparents are still alive and helping us with figuring out cleaning out the apparent and etc. On top of that dealing with my own lazy mother. I just feel a little spread thin and im buckling a bit under the pressure and i think im going crazy( until i see people at the store then i see maybe not as crazy as them at least).  I think i'll try fasting again and try to do something about always ruminating. Winter here isint exactly helping the mood either. As long i can can make it to spring without going completely insane I'll be okay.  I should have had kids a decade ago when shit was more normal.

The silver lining at least is the bender wasint as long ( only 2-3 days in afternoon) and i didn't put on a bunch of weight like when my dad died., I deleted Facebook a long while back so I was only an ass at home.

I wouldn't get too torn up being alone on the holiday, Granted I'm not  but  relationships are a lot of work, if this one ends I'm done with them noway i want to start over again. Enjoy having free time, my buddy gets worked up around February too I try to explain to him it isint all roses on my side either. He can do anything he wants whenever he wants. I have to clear everything through multiple channels.

The insurance may have paid it. I had PT at the beginning of last year. They've been double and triple billing me for awhile but this last one was different.

They got a new computer system, went back and claimed they found missing charges and billed the insurance company, which was different than the one I had when I had PT. They argued but eventually they changed the status to paid. The other day while cleaning off the table I found the insurance statement when it was originally filed and paid.

I'm tempted to turn the whole practice in for insurance fraud. I don't blame the physicians, they no longer run their own practices. That's where my Ortho physicians are and I have a lot of Ortho problems. I don't feel like I can go back there due to the dishonest billing practices though.

So you might want to call your insurance company to confirm the bill. Medical billing and insurance is a shit show and it's been happening a lot, from different practices.

You don't have to pay other people's bills. If you are just trying to keep her lights on that's one thing but credit cards, medical bills, other debts that you didn't cosign for are not your problem.

Be aware that sometimes when there is a death creditors will try to pressure family members for money. You are not legally responsible for bills you didn't sign for.

Yeah the whole things a shit show. I logged into my insurance website and it showed similar charges. I could've sworn I got letters in the mail from my insurance company saying "Covered $xx... You owe: $0.00". Of course I didn't keep them. I wonder if some nosey auditor fuck went in there and changed shit around to try to save a few bucks for the company. Just seems so odd, 6 months after the fact to completely blindside someone like this. It's even more odd that some of the charges per session/week are different. PT did the same thing every session. Of course I could be a lot worse. But calling the insurance company Monday.
The practice is a chain so if I have to negotiate the bill I will. I'll keep you boys updated.

Spent an hour on the phone with insurance company today. The customer service employee was nice but played dumb.
"I can file a report but they're going to wonder why you waited so long before you called"
"Because I just got the bill"
"Okay but there's a many claims here"
"Yes because I was going to the PT bi weekly"
"Okay.....let me see....let me see....."
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You know how they do it. He kept asking me wait I wanted to long to call and why I waited after so many visits. I kept telling him because I was told I was covered by a few different sources and that I hadn't heard anything until now and that if I heard something or gotten a bill after the first week I would have stopped going. Apparently they filed a "report" but that's not going to go anywhere.
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This whole thing is a scam man. I would have never gotten health insurance if it wasn't for obama. Everyone was telling me I was gonna get finded if I didn't get it. So about 6 months after my birthday I finally get health insurance. I'm paying out the nose for this bs $300 during COVID when I had a limited income. So I finally figure, eh if I'm paying for it might as well see what benefits I can get. I call up a PT, friend of a friend. Super super nice guy. Just for a single visit. Clinic tells me I'm 100% covered so I can do some more visits. Okay cool. Why not? And now 6 months after the fact I'm here.
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Fuck all this man. Fuck it all.

I’ve been laying awake all night. Money has run out, my job interview was a no-show.  No money for gas, food, and in eight days my insurance and utilities are gonna be due. My court date is in two weeks and I’ll have to borrow gas money to drive to Charleston. Keep having nightmares, no idea how it will turn out.  I just hurt all over.

Sigh. I am a nobody here but I am going to start a new thread encouraging someone with more smarts than I to enquire then start a 'Go Fund Me' account to help you out. If anybody is a good candidate you and your situation should qualify?


I have visited this ongoing thread many times and have wanted to post some encourage you and others who post here but sadly I delete my posts before submitting them.


This thread started off with good intentions but the OP and other members (especially Christians) have turned a blind eye to it sadly. It takes a special person to ignore members here during their overwhelming issues.


Many of the postings are deleted soon after posting (which I understand) but where have  all the compassionate / caring folks gone? It takes being overwhelmed enough to post here looking for help then for the most part it falls on deaf ears even though many silly threads get attention. Sigh, sorry for my non-college ramblings but Sir, you have my deepest sympathies for the problems you have had to endure! That goes to ALL of you people that post here that receive no responses.


Sorry I cannot help you more concerning your situation and hopefully your storm will soon pass but I see a REAL need of funding to help you and your needs. IF someone volunteers  to set up a gofundme account count me in


Hopefully someone more educated can get this going soon? I will be posting a thread in response to my post soon.


To the OP (nevermind)


To others that have tried to help this member in the past, I thank you!

If there is a Give Send Go set up for RevolverRO, I'd happily donate. I have no idea how that works on the administrative side though. After GFM's recent shennanigans, I think that a lot of people would pass on donating to a GFM drive.

I really hope that things start going your way soon RevolverRO. I really do. Hang in there man.

I'll never touch GFM for anything again.
Other platforms not sure about though.

Call me brother. I email'd and IM'd you my digits. I have a couple grand for you to help get you on your feet and if you need someone I'll get on a plane right now.

I’m PM’ing ballisticxlr back right now. An Arfcom member has offered me his legal help as an attorney here in KY.  Part of me wants to accept help and part of me is terrified to take anything...I’m going to talk to him and figure out what help I need.

if a givesendgo is set up i would be happy to contribute some to help with expenses. not sure how else i can help. hoping the road smooths sooner than later.

You guys have been incredibly kind. I can’t express how much this means to me.

Take some help then. Work out a payment plan where you cans still feel like you're not getting anything for free.

Insomnia's been hitting me hard last few weeks too boys. I'm usually a night owl as is. Usually 2am is a good night. Now it's been 4am if even that.
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Utah will be different. I threw out a bunch of shit today. I kept thinking about how fucking depressive it really was. All this time and energy wasted in materialistic bullshit.
Stopped by my parents house (live close and often keep shit there and whatnot) my mom made a comment about it must feel good to get rid of all that stuff. I basically broke down in front of her and just said how fucking depressive it really is. I'm lonely and depressed as fuck so often I try to keep myself distracted with nonsense. I still think about my ex every day. I think about how although she was such a fuckin scumbag to me, the moments that were good are so burned in my head. I grew up a loner and that oxytocin release I got from being with her broke me in a way. Its like an addict with their fix. But I know that the extension can be a extension of the mind. Throwing out stuff, although having no connection to her, stiill was like a forest fire burning off deadwood. And starting to realize all the shit that I keep it's part of what's keeping me stuck in the past. Logically it's stupid because there's no connection between this thing I bought and a more tragic time in my life. I don't know how to describe it. Its like I don't even know my subconscious as good as I thought I did. I watch a good amount of videos on neurochemistry, psychological, hormones, cognitive function...etc and I thought I had a decent grasp on my own brain. But at the same time I believe that the mind is so complex we could never  understand it entirely.
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It felt damn good though, painful to dig up some of that stuff that's been swept under the carpet. Pulling it out is a pain...but better than keeping it there. Often times to rebuild you have to tear down first.
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Utah will be better. Better area, better people, better life.

You’re a great person.

Had a good cry in the car this morning. What makes a grown man cry? A fucking cheap trick song. I never really cared for “I want you to want me.”  

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me

As soon as I imagined it was me up there singing in front of that screaming crowd, and I was singing about myself and not some hot babe I’m after, the waterworks started to flow. Crap. I really need to stop hating myself.

Cheap Trick's "The Flame" is good too.

At this point, I am just curious how things will play out.

How does one talk about this on a gun forum... with all the red flag bs.

Just got out of VA hospital... i was prolly 1 hr away from doing it... hell even called someone so my family wouldnt find me.  Never been so scared... 16 years of fighting my head. I just don't want to feel like this anymore

@lonewolf54

PM me or anyone else here if you need to communicate. I can do it by phone if you like, and there are others who will.

Sent

Well trying

Was sent

didn't see it until just now. text sent.

If anyone is up late, would be glad to talk about anything and everything. Will do my best to help everyone out. PM me and I will call you

Does anyone else have this shit hit them for no reason?

I mean, i have problems with depression, but usually there's something to set it off, someone died, you've been unemployed for 9 months and can't find a job, etc. Not just it's a fucking tuesday and you forgot just how much you hate yourself. I've dealt with depression long enough I can work through it when it's caused by something, but this shit just has me fucked up.

Can I just get a break from having a head that's nuttier than a shithouse rat?

Have you tried meditation?

I would like to share some thoughts on this.

I’ve been through a LOT

- Had the most wonderful fiancé in the world pass away four days before our marriage due to a massive cerebral hemorrhage
- Had a wonderful daughter who worked her way up in Apple Corporation middle management go to sleep and not wake up, leaving a husband and three year old son
- Been subject of an attempted kidnapping and poisoning
- Been betrayed by people who should have had my back

And more I won’t mention

Through all that, the Lord was with me and He brought me through.

I thought it wouldn’t get bright again. I was wrong.
I know what it’s like to sit in a dark house and think it’s over. I was wrong
The sun will rise and bright days do return
People out there do care for you.
Seeing a baby smile reminds you life can be beautiful
A simple prayer to ask the Lord to let you lean on Him changes things
You will experience wonderful days again
Life is worth fighting for. It’s much, much better to GET UP than give up.
You will come out on top if you don’t quit
I know from experience.
Psalm 23, Psalm 34, Psalm 103 are a big help
Take life one day at a time. Ask Him to help you one day at a time.
The days get easier. Let the past stay in the past.
The Lord is always there to listen.

Glory to God for all things.

I do. Not as much as I used to, but it still happens.

I've gotten better at recognizing when thought patterns are trending negative and taking steps to mitigate it. It is similar to when I know I'm starting to get a cold. I still get sick, but it seems like the faster I treat it, the less severe it is.

Every time I drop of my kids (like last night), it hits me as I drive home. I just feel utterly alone. There’s two or three people I text or chat with, but other than that I feel completely cut off from everyone I ever cared about.

If you ever want to talk or vent DM me. I find it easier to talk to a stranger as opposed to talking people around you.

If anyone needs to vent tonight DM me. I've lost too may good friends to suicide. I'll do my best to be here to listen.

Ya, usually it's either something causes it, or it's like you said, I can tell it's coming, this was just a goddamned sucker punch of depression.

But I took the long way home from work today. There's just something peaceful about curvy backroads when it's raining and having a daily driver with no traction control

That does have a way of forcing your mind to focus on the immediate situation.

Thank you.

I sit in the dark house right now praying for it to end quickly. I don't have it in me to end it myself. I have money & can go out and do things but I can't make myself go anymore. I used to go out in the woods or exploring in my kayak but not anymore. I have been successful in every Wildlife photo/video thing I've done but it doesnt mean anything to me now.

I thought that after the years of taking care of Mom I would be able to have my life back. I hardly go anywhere and actually got out and did more while I was a caregiver. It's been almost a year and a half since she went into nursing and I still sit here all day.

I was gonna go to Florida & Grand Teton to take pictures yet I'm still sitting here. I go to the store, see my Grandkids, see Mom and that's it. It's been a year and a half!

I have had depression many years and had it this bad for 2 or 3 years straight 20 years ago. Checked myself In to a hospital & within a month things completely turned around and were great for a long time. It was amazing how fast it got better.

What's crazy is I know what it is & what makes it feel better but can't break out of it. It paralyzes you & can happen to anyone.