As an origin yes - kids, situation where I lost everything {literally} sudden health downturn and other things I’m avoiding detailing. Chunk of GD isn’t fond of me so not giving them ammo on a public forum. Short version,looks like I’m still around on borrowed time. Been trying to spend as much time at the beach l, enjoy the smell of fresh air, food, taste of food, sound of music etc. pass on what I’ve learned to my kids, letters, gonna make some videos they can watch later {10 year old won’t understand these things now} Attached File

Carmel, I hope you’re with us for a long long time. Keeping you in my thoughts.

@CarmelBytheSea

Your inbox is full.

I really don't say much but this thread has been exactly what I need today.
There aren't many places to go on the interweb that offers the help I see here.

As for many of us, it's been a tough week for me but this thread has helped.

Sometimes I feel like there's two dogs fighting inside me.
And I finally realized that the one that wins is the one that I feed.

I also found that change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater that the pain of change.

Like it or not, you guys are in my prayers.

Turnkey are you still watching this thread?

Man Im sorry that you've lost your wife and things have been so much worse.

Dont be afraid to reach out here.

Ill pray for you now.

Hey Guys and Gals;

I had a lot of ups and downs in the first part of my life. Mostly downs. I lived in a world of depression, drugs, and alcohol. I used people and people used me. I looked normal on the outside but I was deeply sad and intermittently furious on the inside. I failed in everything I endeavored.

Then I accepted Christ in 1999.

Life was NOT immediately smooth sailing after that, BUT, it was the difference between swimming UNDER the water (before) and swimming with my head above the water (after).

I am not going to relate Christianity, the worship and abiding relationship with the one true Lord, with having a "good life" or easy life.

I will however tell you that the natural overflow of walking with the Christ is that He is using you in this world the way that He designed you and intended you to be used. THAT is ALWAYS better than YOUR or MY plan.

And as a result, you will see that you start to sculpt the battlefield for success. You will see that you will dominate over the demons that seek to steal, kill and destroy the goodness in your life in His strength. After reconciliation with Our Father, you will see reconciliation with people around you in ways that you know are not of your own doing.

You WILL be hated by the world. You WILL be persecuted for your faith. You WILL be tempted by evil. You WILL fail, and you will get back up, and stumble again. BUT you WILL have the power of God on your side, and if you have that on your side, who can be against you?

I am here to be of benefit to you, with no credit to myself. If you need to reach out to someone, reach out to me. I am a Christian, nothing more or less. If you get to the end of your rope, I will help you. I will talk to you. Ive been there. Message me and I will message you back. I want you to know Christ and be used by Him. He will turn the lemons in your life into lemonade in His timing. I am living proof. Every person that Christ healed in the Bible, Christ PHYSICALLY healed FIRST, before He healed them spiritually. He came down to their level of need and fixed that, then they were open to his spiritual healing. I will follow in that same regard and talk to you about your problems and suggest a pathway forward. It WILL involve Christ, but I am not one of those guys that just says "read your Bible" and thats that.

Before you give up, reach out.

God Bless you, brother.

Thanks I appreciate it

Things are worse, I have a months supply of Trintellix sitting in my room and I haven't touched it. Not sure I want to start it and deal with the side effects but I think it's time.

I've experienced all kinds of loss like most people. But losing my wife had been the worst ordeal that I've ever had to go through. The emptiness and loss of purpose is just overwhelming.

I don't know you from Adam but just from your posts you seem like a good dude.  I am sorry for what you're dealing with and hope things get better for you



Not really a praying man, but good vibes sent your way.

Brother, I am truly sorry for your loss.  I can't imagine what you must be going through.  My Father died due to a botched surgery when my Mother was 6 months

pregnant with me.  That was 50 years ago and she still talks about him almost every day.  Best I can offer is to give yourself to God.

Like it or not, I'm not a praying man but I am sending whatever karma/good vibes I have in this world your way.

One day at a time. Straight out of the Book of Matthew: Matthew 6:34 is “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Keep hanging in there.

I have lost several family members myself but not a child or wife so I cannot compare with what you're going thru.

However I do know from counselling others in your basic situation, that you eventually form mechanisms for dealing with the loss and you go on with your life...one day at a time.

The loss will still hurt.

But you will form a way to live with it and it will become a more manageable life brother. You will find NEW purpose, if you seek it diligently. You will find NEW fullness, if you look in the right place.

But as for right here right now bro, just focus on dark to dark. Just today. Just get thru today, and let tomorrow worry about itself.

You were designed to endure. To survive. To thrive. To take awesome levels of damage, and still make it thru. History is FULL of millions of examples of this, and you were made by the same Creator that they were, in the same likeness of the same God.

Hang in there. Dont surrender.

Thank you brother. Blessings to you as well.

Insomnia is a bitch.

Pro tip.

Do not lie in bed. Do not go online. Get up and read or watch a movie. Your brain will sleep when it has to. Being anxious will not help.

True that.

Also, theres nothing wrong with taking a benedryl, or half a benedryl, here and there to induce the drowsy.

Im not a super big fan of taking meds but Ive needed the sleep support in the past and as long as you dont make it a consistent habit I dont think there is anything wrong with it

Stay away from alcohol as a sleep aid. In fact, stay away from alcohol, period.

Dittoes, man.  
Lots to do, see, and learn in this world
And especially along with your children.   He may be too young to grasp what is going on at 10, but when he’s twenty he will.  And while we never know what the next days brings, it’s worth it to be there for him then.

Yup... also, depends upon WHAT you feed the white one.. one day I realized, "I cannot 'out-give"(out feed) God."... so just give Him all I am.

Life doesn't get easier... but I can cope...

Thanks for the prayers!

Nathan... interesting... not to breach topic, but my wife, T2, gluten allergy, went on different management drugs over last 20 years.  Last year she went on Trulicity until insurance ran out.  Her A1C is bang on.  Her BGC is between 85 and 110...

A couple weeks ago, a retina specialist ran tests and found she has markers for LUPUS... which, like Gluten allergy, is an 'auto-immune' malfunction.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made... there is more good news in this... now she has been referred to an immunologist and Arthritis specialist...

We are so blessed!

Thanks boys. I actually got some benedryl today so that should be good. Yeah I last drink was over a year ago. Feel damn good I stopped, lol.
Reading has been phenomenal for my head when things are spinning. Enough brain power that I'm distracted busy.

Thanks

Don't give in. Never conform to this sick world.

Well I'm supposed to take this chick out Monday.
Wish me luck boys!
.
Coffee shop girl. She worked there, I had some light conversation with her. Talked a little bit yesterday and today. I asked her out yesterday and she's still talking to me today so that's a good sign, lol.
.
But honestly even if nothing were to come of it, I'm still happy with myself. Hardest part for me isn't the dating, is getting the first date, lol.

Edit: not posting a pic cause it's public it if it was team I'd abide by the rules, lol.

Well I posted about how cocky I am and nailed a job interview.

Shit happened, I lost a job making good money ($19 an hour, not an arfcom millionaire), but I got a new job in less than a week being a waiter. The interview was for bartender, and given my drinking that's a job I would be good at, but I hate people and food. What do fried pickles taste like??? Well the tastes like pickles but they're fucking fried. I've never tried them because I hate pickles, but I got the whole $5 I have to my name on that's what they taste like.

I mean how many decent jobs do I have to get turned down for? I mean I've been turned down for jobs because they only hire Mexicans to do that.



EDIT: Also my BIL's girlfriend had her baby a month and a half early, there's some shit going on and we arent' sure if she's going to make it. I've posted about my issues before, and how I broke in a pair of fancy cowboy boots that I only wore at funerals before I was 16, but that's the thing I've always managed to avoid. I've been okay at the past couple funerals I've been to because I was drunk when I went to them. I don't have very many friends because I can't deal with anymore death. I've done the best I can to keep my drinking in check, but a 5 pound premie baby...what the fuck man...

Nice job getting a job!

Stay strong and don't touch the bottle.

Fried pickles are disgusting.

ETA or did you not get a job?

I got the job, had my first nights training last night and it's going to be even worse than the job I just got laid off from, but it's a job.

Well they haven't worked me into the schedule yet, just calling me and asking can I come in at this time for training. They were supposed to call me friday to let me know about my schedule, and it's sunday and all I can get when I call them is they'll call me when they figure a schedule out. I mean I went from a great job, to one that couldn't manage to remodel a shop without getting shut down by the fire marshall 3 times, to another one where they'll figure out when I'll work sometime.


I'm not really even that depressed about it, I started at the bottom worked my way up and got knocked back to the bottom. Whoopdey fuckin doo. I've been to therapy before, and apparently I've had more traumatic shit happen to me by the time I was 16 than most people do when they're 40. At this point I'm used to being kicked when I'm down, and I started to think about giving up the other night. But the thing is, if I'm going to give up, I'ma have to buy a dictionary to figure out what that means, and I can't afford that shit.


Is it just asking too much to want a job with someone who has their shit together better than a depressed drunk?

They're dragging their feet. Keep looking for now. Lay off the alcohol.

I didn't stop looking.

Not specifically to your case but just in general if you absolutely need something. I've had great success with sparkling water, just something to sip on and you get the bubbly in your stomach. And plus you don't look like a weirdo at parties, lol.

I was completely broken several times in my life, and managed to pull myself out a few. The beat downs just kept coming, though. I asked Jesus into my life a few years back, and life has never been better.

Jesus came for broken people. He died in order to wash us clean, and free us from the burden of sin. He wants to comfort you. Life in this world is short, and the clock is ticking.

That is worth a try.

I have my thoughts on that, but if you will, will you say a prayer for my old boss and her family? They lost their son in a hunting accident and were completely devastated by it.

That's the only time I can remember where I actually prayed for something. They were fucking devastated by it, bad enough to the point where their drinking was as bad as mine was, and I was crying and praying because they were like family, take their pain and give it to me, if I was a quitter I would have killed myself years ago, I can take it. I can't take seeing them hurt like this.

Also, keep in mind, man is not made for defeat. He can be destroyed but never defeated.

Many folks who read this thread are in prayer mode. We hope they're answered. To see healing brings joy to anyone with an ounce of humanity.

Just in case you're not aware, Jesus takes the burden of *all* the world's sin from those who follow Him. That includes the burden of sin you might be carrying from those who have sinned against you.

A1C checked today, 45 years type 1 diabetic 5.3
Just wish they would stick to the problem

Well I think this chick isn't gonna show up tomorrow.
Whatever. There's other girls out there

You'll find somebody sooner or later. She'll probably show up when you least expect it.

Yeah, hardest part for me is just getting out of my comfort zone and asking a chick for her number. I did my part.  Anything beyond that is just people being people.

You never know with women. I dated a woman long time ago that had hair down to just below her waist. I didn't know until we lived together when she said "not tonight I'm washing my hair", she literally meant she was washing her hair for long periods lol.

Exactly! More often than not, those who are dealing with depression have unrealistic perspectives when not only looking at a relationship with a woman, but in every aspect of life.

Changing your perspective should be one of your goals when beating depression.

Yeah I remember when I was younger I would literally turn down dates with girls because I thought they were too good for me and they deserved better, lol. So that's sort of what I mean, I did my part by asking her out and going into the unknown and facing the dragon of chaos. Anything beyond that is on her. My goal out of life isn't to find pleasure is to grow as a human. So it is what it is at this point.

@Turnkey

IM sent. Been through it with kids. There's light, I promise.

The girl I've been seeing the past few months just told me last night she can't see me anymore. Wants to, but she feels inferior to my late wife and doesn't want to continue the relationship knowing she feels like this.
I get where she's coming from. At the same time, last week she asked if I'd go to a wedding as her "+1" and has continually talked me up to her friends about how great I am.

So I've been dumped because I have a fantastic dead wife.

More common than you think. I did the same thing with a young widow years back. No way I could handle stepping into the husband/father shoes of her "perfect" deceased mate and be compared to him 24/7. Takes tons of patience and understanding from all sides to make that work.

And I get it. The bigger issue is that she "checked (a lot) the boxes"...better than my wife did when we started dating. Throw in my Catholicism and its doctrine regarding marriage and there's not a big pool for me if I decide I want to get married again.

ETA: The real reason for my posting here was to vent about being lonely, then getting your hopes up that you might have found someone, only to get the Charlie Brown treatment for something out of your control. And I harbor no ill will for the girl, she really is great...which makes it even harder on some level as there's no one to be mad at.

Welp she was a no show.
. Same story different girl. Logically it's like "yeah people are dealing with their own issues". Emotionally it still hurts though.
Talked to her a few times at a coffee shop. She's flirty asking me if I remember her name and making conversation.
I get her Instagram. Ask her if she would he interested in getting to know each other better. She's all for it. Cool. And I'm thinking "alright, I'm back into it after 2 years, lol"
.
Schedule a time. Weather was bad so had to reschedule for today.  She reached out to me yesterday to confirm for today.
Then nothing.
It's like everytime I think I'm back on my feet some happens. Whatever, I'll be alright, I'm just a little down at the moment.

I got lucky with my ex wife.  She was my best friend for a long time before we started dating and eventually married.  Now that I’ve screwed that up i know I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.  

I can’t handle the games women are playing and one minute you’re an awesome guy but the next they have excuses as to why they can’t or dont want to see me anymore.  I don’t handle rejection well.  It’s 1 step forwards 2 steps back every time it happens.  Just happened this last saturday.  Have an awesome breakfast date, talked and laughed and had a grand time.  This woman even carries a bigger gun than i do, so definitely a conservative!  Still has a head full of snakes.  Can’t fucking win.  

Deleted.   I should not have posted in this thread.  I'll be OK.  It's a new day.

So I was just hanging out drinking, and I heard the perfect song to sum up how I feel at the moment.





I am too. But I've dealt with this shit for so long, if I gave up now all these years of hurting would be for nothing.

You talking about marriage, or life?

I edited my post from last night.  I'm ok.  Thanks for checking.