I didn't make them up, just passing them along:

There once was a lady named Banker,
who slept while the ship lay at anchor.
She awoke with dismay when she heard the mate say,
now hoist off the top sheet and spanker.

There once was a Roman of old named Horatio
who practiced a peculiar form of fellatio.
He kept carefull track of the boys he attacked
and called it his cock sucking ratio.

There once was a man from Dipeey
who raped and ape in a tree.
The results were all horrid, all ass and no forehead,
small tits and purple goatee.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who's cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin,
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it.


There once was a man from Ghent,
Who's cock was exceedingly bent.
To save him the trouble, he stuck it in double,
Instead of coming, he went.

A Toreador from Madrid
Was gored by a bull named El Cid
It took off his bag and made him a fag
Now they call him El Homo the Kid


An Atomic Technician named Lil
Took a chance on a Nuclear pill
They found her Vagina in South Carolina
And her tits on a tree in Brazil

Classy

Wait, I'm supposed to be drunk before I read these, right?



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The Sick Note

Dear Sir, I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing, I'm not a pretty sight
Me body is all black and blue, me face a deathly gray
And I write this note to say why Murphy's not at work today

While working on the 14th floor, some bricks I had to clear
But to toss them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he is an awkward sod
He said I'd have to cart them down the ladders in me hod.

Now shifting all those bricks by hand it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below
But in me haste to do the job I was to blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket, till my dismay I found
That half-way up I met the barrel coming down

Now the barrel broke me shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head
I clung on tightly numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks some 14 floors below

Now! when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, me body wracked with pain
And half way down I met the bloody barrel once again

Now the force of this collision half way down the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope, I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks scattered all around

I lay there groaning on the ground, I thought I'd past the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I didn't have a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground I let go of the bloody rope

Now, the barrel then being heavier, it started down once more
It landed right across me as.., I lay there on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say
I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today

written by Pat Cooksey

There once was a man from Peru
Who one night, fell asleep in a canoe
While dreaming of Venus, he played with his penis
And woke up with a handful of goo.....

This is the ballad of Joe McGlock

The man who was born with a corkscrew cock

He spent his life in the fatal hunt

For a lovely girl with a corkscrew cunt

He found the girl and then fell dead

For her corkscrew cunt had a left hand thread

Went out drinking with my wife today,
"I love you" is what she heard me say.

She asks is that you or the beer talking?
I tell her it's me talking to the beer!

Yer kiddin right?? Got any Irish in ya? Wanna try some??

Maybe this will help you understand:

The limerick packs laughs anatomical                  
In space that is quite economical,
   But the good ones I've seen
   So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

History of the Limerick