Guys, My wife wakes up crying from a nightmare about 6 months ago. After asking her about 100 times what’s wrong and why is she crying, she tells me that when she was a kid, an older cousin played “show and tell” with her. Needless to say, I’m ready to fly to Virginia and see just how good the Rem. 700 is. She swears me to silence; she dos not want the family to know about this. Seems the same cousin (from her aunts first marriage and not a blood relation) nailed her sister (it was consensual between 2 adults) and his side of the family doesn’t believe her and things she’s lying about it. The same guy was kicked off the Police force in VA for “Conduct Unbecoming an Officer”. I never liked this guy even before I knew any of this hinky shit.  Well I was liquored up and talking with one her good friends about stuff in general and the subject came to this guy and the new and fucked up stuff he’s been getting into. I knew her friend had been through some stuff and like a fucking idiot I mentioned the confession about the cousin in hopes that she could talk about it with my wife. I know what I did was VERY WRONG and that I am an ass-hole and a day after I did it, I told the wife what I had done and threw myself at her mercy.

Well, her “Friend” tells the guys’ sister and now the whole God Dammed family is ready to blow. The wife is getting shitty e-mails (at her work no less) from the aunt, questioning her mental health and hammering her with “This did NOT HAPPEN and YOU KNOW IT!”…My wife might be a shitty cook and not do dishes for shit, but she has NEVER lied to me about ANYTHING in the 8 years we been together.

What can I do about this? If it gets worse, can I get restraining orders? Could the original incident be prosecuted? Has anything like this ever happened to any of you?

More importantly, if your wife is having nightmares about it, she needs professional help.  I mean come on, what are your priotirites?  Revenge, or a healthy wife?  Get your wife to coulselling ASAP and expect it to take a while for it to work.  Get HER well.  

Prosecutions, etc. mean nothing to someone with her condition.  There really isn't anything as "closure" for a trauma such as that.  They make YOU feel better, like you're doing something, but it's not about YOU.  She's the victim and she needs help.  Getting her the help should be your priority.

As far as that side of the family goes, I would simply write them off.  There's no point in even communicating with them.  There's really nothing you can effectively do to any of them.  No great loss there.  Would you really be able to rely on any of those fools anyway?  

Again, if she's bad enough that she's having nightmares, then she's bad enough that she needs counselling.  It won't go away by itself, she will just get worse.  GET HER TO A SHRINK!

Ross

Why after all these years, is your wife suddenly having nightmares about those events?

There must be something that is going on in her life now that has reminded her of those events, what is it?

Yes, counseling is all right for those who find that it works, but a simple discussion between the two of you is probably the better solution.

Right now I am engaged in a legal fight with some of my relatives over a disputed will.

When the legal fight is over, I can assure you that those relatives will be the last people I want to see this side of Judgment Day.

So let it be with your wife's relatives.

Forget them now!

Eric The(PeaceOfMind)Hun[>]:)]

Trust between a husband and wife is one of the most sacred things in a marriage. Even though you really screwed up, it's not the end of the world. In fact, I would venture to say that deep down, your wife really wanted this to all come to the surface. Why the dreams after all these years?

You broke that trust in a drunken lapse of intellegence. This tells me that her telling you these things hurt you too and you needed someone to talk to about the matter.

You both need some counselling. Kiss the other family jerks goodbye. If they can't be understanding and try to get to the bottom of the accusations instead of attacking the accuser without any further information, then it shows they have an anger motive to trigger their behavior. Not the kind of intelligent people I want to spend my 4th of Julys and Christmas' around.

Actually, depending on the laws in your state, the original incident *can* be prosecuted... it really depends on too many factors, including the possibility that there are any potental underage victims near this creep.  You can contact local LE or the local dept. of child/protective services for more info.

Whether it's a good idea for your wife to do so or not is ultimately up to her.  

I agree with the above advice- talk with her (sober! [:)]), get some help, and write those SOBs off...

First, with all due respect, don't listen to us amature therapists and lawyers. You both need some professional help, both mental and legal to get through this. Don't feel that it's a failing to get help. The good Lord never meant us to go it alone.

Your in my prayers and Good luck.

#1 Take an HONEST look at your drinking habits!
#2 Make sure your wife knows you love her, support her, and believe her.
#3 Screw the rest of the family.
#4 SEE #1!

Racer-X:

Here is White Horse's 4 step progam, chock-full of tough love.

1.  I will second what Ross said.  I have personal experience with this same sort of thing.  Play the "husband" card and make sure your wife gets professional help, no excuses, no delay.  It is the fastest road to recovery and well worth the hurt feelings your wife may have.  She will thank you some day.

2.  You broke her trust and created a hornets nest.  Yuk.  Block the nasty emails by filtering them.  Use your answering machine for a while instead of picking up the phone.  Realize that you can live without the relatives just fine.  If this is how your wife's family reacts, she cannot count on them for support, compassion, or understanding.  If this creep keeps up his hobby, they will understand some day, and it won't be so funny when it is their daughter/grandaughter.

3.  Stay off the booze, or drink alone.  Loose lips sink ships, marriages, friendships, etc.  You were trying to help your wife (good), but a drunken confession is a bad first step.

4.  You cannot tell your wife enough that it is not her fault, she is not a bad a person, and that you love her very much.  Tell her 3 times a day until she is fully recovered.  Be strong for her and the two of you will make it.

-White Horse
{Edited to add:  Doh!  Liberty beat me to it}

This is not a slam at you [b]legrue[/b] but understand that some folks here really ARE professional therapists or lawyers. (of course you may not know which ones are)

Any hoo... so far I haven't see any BAD advice yet.



[b]Racer-X[/b] I think BOTH you and your wife should see a counselor together - to work together to handle this current family crisis, your wife's previous traumatic experience and your possibly "excessive" drinking. But do it together.

Just trying to get the picture.  How old was your wife at the time of the show and tell incident?  How old was the cousin?  Was it strictly show and tell?

Simple show and tell is fairly normal among young children and should not be a source of guilt.  The problem occurs when one of the parties is significantly older and/or more than show and tell is involved.

Mac

I realized the possibility when I posted. I myself have had some training in the area. My point was that Racer and his wife really need to see a professonal or professionals to deal with this problem, maybe for several years. As well intended as we all are, we can't deal with a problem of this magnitude in this forum

Guys,

My first post was kind of condensed. The Doctor I mentioned was a Psychologist and she/we have been going to therapy and counseling. I am not really a drinker and the night in question I wasn’t really that drunk, but the girl I was talking to has done work with crisis centers and lived with us for a while. When she heard about this, she freaked because this guy has a couple of kids (girls) and has been doing “Odd” things in his life. Also his sister is pregnant and is going to have a daughter. Since she was “touched” when she was younger, she is very touchy about this stuff and was worried that this guy might be at risk of doing other stuff.

I’m ok with blowing off her whole family and the wife actually seems to be better about the whole thing now that it is out there. I still feel like a Judas, but God Bless her; she seems to have forgiven me. I still want to kick the shit out of my “Cousin”, the prick is like that t-shirt..  [I]Admit nothing, Deny wrongdoing & Make counter accusations [/I]