Ok, so I'm delurking to post this tidbit.

In the following form letter, the White House responds
to the many people who have complained about the
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda prisoners in
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Project: LARK
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

February 25, 2002

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing
our treatment of
the
Taliban and El Qaeda detainees currently being held at
Guantanamo
Bay,
Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously,
and your
opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington.  You'll be
pleased to learn
that,
thanks
to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating
a new division
of the
Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for
short.  In
accordance
with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to place one
terrorist under your personal care.  Your personal
detainee has been
selected and
scheduled for transportation under heavily-armed guard
to your
residence
next Monday.  Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can
just call him
Ahmed)
is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you
personally demanded
in your
letter of admonishment.  It will likely be necessary
for you to hire
some
assistant caretakers.  We will conduct weekly
inspections to ensure
that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with
those you so
strongly
recommended in your letter.

Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly
suggest serving
meals that do not require utensils, particularly
knives and forks.  
Also,
these
should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with
his left hand
since
he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels
(which he will do
in
your yard) - but look on the bright side... no
increase in the toilet
paper
bill!

He generally bathes quarterly with the change of
seasons, assuming
that
it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously.
This should help
with
your water bill.  Also, your new friend has a really
bad case of body
lice
that hasn't been completely remedied.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your
detainee's cage:
"Does not play well with others."  Although Ahmed is
sociopathic and
extremely
violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you
described as his
"attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these
character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems
as mere cultural
differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but
his rabies test
came
back
negative so not to worry.  We understand that you plan
to offer
counseling and home
schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in
hand-to-hand combat
and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a
pencil or nail
clippers.  We do not suggest that you ask him to
demonstrate these
skills
at your next yoga group.  He is also expert at making
a wide variety
of
explosive devices from common household products, so
you may wish to
keep
those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this
might offend
him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or
daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of
property.
However, he will be eager to assist with the education
of your sons;
have
available for their use several copies of the Q'uran.
Oh - and rest
assured that
he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs.
He prefers
them
roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more
than 2 or 3 days
dead.

Thanks again for your letter.  We truly appreciate it
when folks like
you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper
way to do our
job.  We
think this watching over each other's shoulder is such
a good way for
people to interact that we will be sending a team of
federal
officials with
expertise in your line of work to your place of
business soon, just
to
help you do your job better.  Don't be concerned that
they have the
power to
close your business, seize your property, and arrest
you for any
violation of the
4,850,206 federal laws, codes, regulations and rules
that apply to
your
profession.  They're really there just to make sure
you're doing
everything the proper way.  That is what you wanted,
right?

Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with
such a valued
member of the citizenry.  You take good care of Ahmed
- and
remember...
we'll be watching.