Well, I did what you said, I ditched the CIA wussy route and sought out Mall Security, just like you said. I went to the local mall, paper airplane in the left hand, but I waited more than an hour and NOTHING happened. So I was going to leave, but had to pee.
I went into the john, and was minding my own business when the LIGHTS GO OUT. I’m not kidding. All of a sudden the door flies open and some guys (I couldn’t see how many, it was WAY dark) come blowing in and I can hear them kicking the stall doors open one at a time, rolling in flashbangs, and screaming CLEAR after every one (there are like 10 stalls.)
Then they’re done I guess, it sounded like they started milling around, muttering to each other that “He just vanished” and stuff like that when one of them walks up behind me as if to piss, and basically jams his crotch in my ass, so I said “HEY!”
He spun me around, but I was still pissing, and I know I splashed like 3 of them real good.
They asked each other for the bag, but I guess they forgot it, so they made a blindfold out of an ass-gasket and pushed me out of the john and into…
A golf kart parked immediately outside the door. They neatly hopped aboard after the last guy dropped a “Piso Mojado” (wet floor) sign in the doorway.
They drove for what seemed like minutes over to a big elevator behind Spencer’s gifts, it took us WAY down, not sure how far but my ears popped on the way down.
We get to some kind of underground command post, and as we’re walking up to another guy, the head guy of the guys who grabbed me says “shit!” and asks me to turn around so he can flex-cuff me, and asks real nice if I would keep that to myself. He really stank like my piss, but you’d never know it through the professionalism I witnessed.
I really don’t want to reveal what they showed me, but I am not ashamed to admit I am NOT CUT OUT for that kind of work.
They were really nice after I made my decision, they didn’t make me feel like a quitter or anything, but I notice that I was followed home, and today, a helicopter was hovering over my house.
So my question, Mr Gecko, is why didn’t you save me the humiliation and just tell me right up front that there was NO WAY I could hack that line of work?
Do you get you jollies feeling superior, or what? I mean, I have an innocent fantasy about excitement and adventure, and you drop me into a frigging meat grinder. Thanks a lot, Mr. Macho. I’ve lost bladder control over that little episode, ok?
Oh, one thing they told me I could reveal, that BAZ guy on Combat Missions, he’s not only ex CIA, he’s ACTIVE DUTY MALL SPECOPS, on leave of absence. I shit you not.