I thought these were funny:
How Fights Start
My wife sat down on the couch next to me
as I was flipping channels.
She asked,
"What's on TV?"
I said,
"Dust."
And thats when the fight started...
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My wife and I were watching
"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No,"
she answered.
Then I said,
"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time,
simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend..."
And thats when the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
Saturday morning I got up early,
quietly dressed,
made my lunch,
and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour...The wind was blowing 50 mph,
so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day....
I went back into the house,
quietly undressed,
and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back,
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed
and little things just seem funny?
Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it...He was a
DWARF!
He stormed over to my car,
looked up at me, and shouted,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said,
"Well then,
which one are you?"
And thats when the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* **
My wife was hinting about what she wanted
for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,
"I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And thats when the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
When I got home last night,
my wife demanded
that I take her some place expensive...so,
I took her to a gas station.
And thats when the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
After retiring,
I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry,
but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said,
"Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said,
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home,
I excitedly told my wife
about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said,
"You should have dropped your pants,
you might have gotten disability, too."
And thats the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
My wife and I were sitting at a table
at my school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink
as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,
"Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed.
"She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!' my wife exclaimed,
"who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And thats when the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said,
"Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself..."
And thats when the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
A woman was standing naked,
in front of the bedroom mirror... She was not happy
with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly.
Right now,
I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replied,
"Your eyesight's damn near perfect!"
And thats, when the fight started...