www.ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=190570&page=2

This guy needs someone to talk to...possibly more.  Come on show-me State, show us what you can do!  Get this guy out of his blues, I know you can do it...

Jay, if you are reading this, please accept this help.  Trust me, the person who reaches out to a complete stranger in time of need is a friend for life.

I just today discovered this thread - I didn't realize there were forums dedicated to each state.  Had I known this was here, I would have responded immediately.

I have bad days, very bad days, then mediocre days, and a few "ok" days here and there.  I've been having more mediocre and "ok" days since posting that thread in general discussion.  Obviously I'm still alive (unfortunately, since that means I'll have to take the bar exam next month).

I started seeing another counselor last week - I'm not sure if it will do much good, but I'm going to give it a try.  And as soon as I can get a doctor's appointment, I'm going to ask for another prescription for Zoloft.  Maybe if I take it consistently this time it will do me some good.

Nothing else has really changed for me, my life is still in the crapper, and I usually can't see how it will ever get any better.  There's a lot of truth in my life that's been buried over time, truth that never gets talked about, truth about myself, truth about my wife, truth about my friend, just a lot of truth that isn't being acknowledged.  Too many secrets, too many lies, too much compromise, too much pride swallowing, too much neediness on my part to stand up for myself and tell others to fuck themselves when they use me for a doormat.

Anyway...just wanted to post here and let you know I discovered the thread.  Thanks.

hi buddy, hope all is well. i know where your at. i fell ya bro!!!

It sounds like you are taking right steps on getting medical help.  I'm no psychologist but maybe you just need to hang in and get through the bar.  Get that pressure off your back.  If that doesn't help then change course.  I had a slight heart attack last year and bypass surgery at a pretty young age.  It happened about a week after Darryl Kyle's of the Cardinals.  I was lucky.  He was not.  Could have gone the other way for me.  It made me realize that there is a whole lot more in life than how well you succeed at your job or how much money you have.  I quit putting all that pressure on myself to succeed.  Guess what, after that my performance got even better.  It was much more like when I was younger and just starting out in my field.  The ideas/creativity came back because I jettisoned all the artificial bullshit pressures that I had put on myself and let others place on me.  It is a constant fight not to fall back in the old pattern, but realizing it is a pattern is 95% of the battle.  Even better, once my bosses figure out I didn't really give a flying you know what about the way they thought I should act they were confused.  I stepped out of the their behavior pattern into my own.  They have lost their control over me.  Don't get me wrong, I work hard and deliver great results for the company I work for.  My work ethic has not changed.  They get their monies worth.  I just do it on my own terms now and that makes a world of difference.

That episode made me think very seriously about my death for the first time.  It's going to happen someday and that's for God to decide, but I appreciate what I have much more.  Hang in there.  You've got a tough road but you'll come out stronger for having travelled it.  Good luck to you.

The bottom line is that I'm too chicken to take my own life.  I'm afraid of the physical pain, and I'm afraid of what may lie beyond.

However, despite that, at this point I wouldn't really mind if death came through some other means.  With death, there's peace.  For me, life is nothing but depression and misery.  It will never change for me.

I should really write about all the details of what's happened with me over the past 2 or 3 years.  That's part of the problem - there's too many secrets being kept, not enough open discussion.  But...telling everything would embarress other people who are here.  So I've refrained to this point.

But none of it matters.  I just don't care about my own life anymore.  I want it to end.  I go to bed each night hoping I won't wake up in the morning.

Quoted: Trust me, the person who reaches out to a complete stranger in time of need is a friend for life.

You people here don't know me, and you wouldn't want to know me, judging by the attitudes I see consistently expressed in General Discussion and elsewhere.  I'm flattered that people offered their phone numbers for me to call them, but frankly I can't imagine that anyone would actually want me to call and would want to listen to the endlessly depressing details of my life.

"The dead know only one thing.  It is better to be alive."  --Full Metal Jacket

I used to periodically think about killing myself when I was younger.  Eventually I realized that for every time I wanted to end it all, sooner or later there would always come a time when I was glad I didn't.  I would catch myself enjoying something small and the thought would occur to me, "gee whiz if I had killed myself last week I wouldn't have lived long enough to enjoy this..."

You know, in your other thread you mentioned that you don't have the passion for firearms that I do.  Well, then, what DO you have a passion for?  That's what you are missing, buddy.  I may be an atheist but you have become an apathy-ist.  The question is no longer interesting and the answer no longer matters.  That's a dark hole you're in, but dying is no way out.