Peaceful separations?
Lawyer?

What can I do to minimize my losses?  What about retirement funds?

I know there must be a collective of knowledge in this group..... Or at least some war stories.

The best I have for you is that old joke....

Do you know why divorce is so expensive? Because its worth it!

Wow, sorry, going through a divorce sucks, the only thing I can suggest is consult with an attorney.  I got my divorce when I was married to my first wife in WA, but that has been over 30 years ago, so I am sure a lot of things have changed.

Good luck.

WA is a community property state so the marital assets are divided 50/50.  Pre-marital assets are exempt unless those assets increased in value during marriage like investments and retirement funds.  (Retirement funds accumulated during marriage can be touched in divorce.)  The capital gains on those assets are then looked at and then divided 50/50.  Debts are also divided 50/50.  If you had kids during your marriage, you are on the hook for child support.  WA is a "no-fault" divorce state so things like one spouse cheating on the other does not affect alimony awards.  I'm not an attorney, but this is what I've gleaned from my research.

Good luck!

It only cost me the court/filing fee. We both wanted out and didn't try to take each others stuff from each other, no kids, property. Easy. The worst part was the mandatory wait they make you do after filing. There's an online tutorial to do it all yourself

Thanks. 2 kids, house and cars.  23 years worth of 'stuff'

Up till about a year ago she was stay at home mom.  Guessing this will not be a cut and dry split, even though we are civil.

She can only take half!  Sorry about your situation.  Amicable divorces start that way.......be on guard.

23 years together, the court is going to look at it as 50/50. + support and child support if applicable.

So take your real net worth /by 2 and figure out the best path.

al the mentioned factors will contribute in some way to the outcome: for more detailed information , check your im's

23 years might put you in the lifetime alimony category. Yikes.

Oh yea. Mine started that way, ended up with her going apeshit, cops called/etc.

THATS A THING?! 

Be wary of language in the  decree about paying for college. In Washington you are on the potential hook for that for your kids.

What can hurt deep about that is not that you had some extra cost to help your kids, but the Mother and child can take you to court to make you pay it, which means the Mother can make the child believe you wouldn't help if it were not for her intervention. Then Mother has the child live at home during college, and pockets your payments.

Thanks, that could be very pricey mistake.

Document every contact. Inventory property. Assume she's a cannibal. The time to trust/befriend/blink is after every dime is accounted. She has decided not to be the woman you married, so it's safe to assume she isn't. I wasted 30 years on a fraud with tits. Next time, get a rental.

Well she got an apartment and stayed there yesterday. Took some stuff that was hers today. First time I've lived alone. Ever.  It's fucking weird.

Oh, it's gonna get a lot weirder.

FWIW, if things are civilized, it might be worth talking with a mediator.  The mediator can help both parties come to an easier understanding of what the courts will likely decide even if they use attorneys.  Two civilized people, using a mediator can split their property two ways (between husband and wife), rather than the four way split that attorneys usually end up with (husband and wife, and both their attorney's who also each get a cut).    

Keep in mind that attorneys are there to make money, not be your friend.  So even though you will get legal advice, it most certainly won't be free.   A mediator can save both of you a tremendous amount of money if you are both wanting to keep as much of your property as possible, without having to give an enormous amount to an attorney.  I have nothing against attorneys, it is just a money making business for them..your money.    The two of you have to decide if you want a two way split, or a four way split of your assets.

you misspelled better

Yeah, I'd prefer to do this without a lawyer racking up a huge bill, but I'm afraid that I'll do something boneheaded that will cost me even more in the long run just because I didn't know any better.

That is the reason for my post, hoping those who have been through this already can throw up some red flags and maybe I can avoid some errors.

Have you sent a message to Erika S?

She might have some advise.

I haven't thought of that. Of course I've not talked to her in very long time either...

Yeah probably a good idea and eventually worth the money.  Sorry about your work friend, good luck to him.

Any advice? I'm thinking something similar with similar circumstances.

Will the courts force splitting assets and debts, if neither want to?

Do they make you provide banking documents, property and shit?

A friend of mine was divorced several years ago.  She did it in Lincoln County for some reason that had to do with the fact that neither of them wanted to argue over stuff and Lincoln County allows that type of divorce (or did at the time).  They lived in Snohomish County at the time, but apparently you can get divorced in another county if you want to.
They both made similar amounts of money.  There was a kid involved.  The courts definitely didn't force any kind of equal split (he basically wanted completely out and just left a lot of stuff for her and the kid, including the new, expensive house).
It wasn't painless, but it was pretty quick and they remained on speaking terms throughout the process and afterwards.

Mine was amicable, I took all the debt ( rather then tank my credit)and left her with a working car and pretty much anything she wanted of the household goods and the pistol she carried when we were together.

Divorcewriter.com was $150ish to do the paperwork for us. We got the paperwork notarized and filed in Lincoln County by mail to avoid taking the mandatory parenting classes in SnoCo. Worked out our own child support and visitation arrangements. Which I pay over the divorce decree amount and anything else my sons need and we dont really follow the visitation schedule due to work schedules and the fact we live 150 miles apart these days.

Took 90 days -ish and we were done and we both got on with our lives.  

Marriage #2 is soooooo much fucking better for me, easily 10x better. Shes on divorce #2 and getting on with her life

ETA: SnoCo wanted assets/classes/property worksheets etc, Lincoln County just wanted the filing fee and a notarized divorce petition. Lincoln County got our business, since neither of us thought the State needed to have a say in how we split our assets/child support etc

How does that work in Lincoln County? Did you 2 have to drive there for the final hearing? I thought about just using king county.

@A96hondaaccordex

All by mail, no personal appearance, uncontested divorce only. Have to agree on everything and just need the court to rubberstamp it

Another Lincoln county customer here. Lincoln county is (unless something has changed) the only county in the state where neither party has to appear in the court.  I used an online service, there are several, to fill out the forms.  Sent them the ex,  sent copies to the court and 90 days later I was single.  Total cost for the court and the forms was about 600.00. I was lucky,  grown kid so, No parenting program. Amicable (at the time) property settlement and, we were both eager for the marriage to become over. Made it easy. YMMV

Sounds like that's the way to go then,..... if we can agree on everything.  

Thanks!

Just let me know when you are ready for me to come over, and help throw her shit out into the yard

'

Hell, I'll help on that one too.

I would recommend that you get an attorney in order to make sure everything is done right so that she cannot take you back to court in a few years if things should change.  If it's not addressed in your initial divorce paperwork, she can take you back to court since you left that door opened.

Make it very clear to your attorney that you're not trying to wage holy war on the wife, but looking for legal advice to protect yourself now, and into the future.  This is very important, especially if you have a pension(s) now or in the near future and 401K/TSP account(s).

I just went through a divorce a few months ago and in my case, it was pretty simple and painless.  My attorney didn't cost me an arm and a leg...  Less than $3Ks.   In my case, I have a current pension and will have an Army Reserve pension in a few more years once I turn 60.  Also, a small pension from my current employer, as well as two TSP/401K accounts.

Besides finding a lawyer, the only other thing I can advise you to do is to keep her freaking happy... Regardless of what other people, friends or family might say.  If she declares war on you, the divorce process will severely suck gorilla dick.   I told my ex that if she doesn't declare war me, I would not declare war on her either.  "AND" I also put a realistic offer on the table...  "AND" told her that the offer will start immediately AFTER she signs the papers and before the actual date of divorce to make it more attractive.  Whatever you do, do not be a cheap-ass since she knows everything about you and your finances.  In my case, I got off the hook with very little pain by offering a realistic payment, which saved me so much money in the long run since I basically kept everything and didn't have to pay my attorney all that much... Basically, all he did was to write up the agreement and present it to the court for their blessing... Lincoln County...  Whatever you do, stay away from King County when filing the divorce paperwork!!

Again, do everything you can to keep her happy and if she tries to start a fights, walk away!!  It's not worth losing 50% of YOUR stuff!!

Btw, I was married 29.5 years.