> The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
> Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations
> 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
> 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
> 3. Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for
> more snakes.
> 4. Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of
> snake from GPS. FAC gives steer to target. Can't find
> snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and
Hey ! It isn't my FAULT that I scored HIGHER on the AFOQT....sheeesh! BWAHAHAHA!!!!!
> 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
> 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time
> On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery
> Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
> civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
> considered a success and all participants (inc. cooks,
> mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
> 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake,
> ignores all State Department directives and Theater
> Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with
> snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
> to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel
> pay settlement upon return.
demands that AF Mission Commander verify the above....Reponse: Heck No!, Response: "We have barn yard animal photographs, you know....", Response: "OK" ...Hence so many FT. Bragg CIBs......
(BTDT, No T-Shirt)
> 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares
> in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field
> Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility
> assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
> understand how to properly conduct doctrinal
> counter-snake ops.
> 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for
> naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake.
> Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood
> makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad
> extremist snakes.
> 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from
> various types of ships, kills snake and makes
> presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee
> on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means
> of anti-snake force projection.
> 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking
> for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all
> US forces from Area of Operations.
> 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
> 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
> 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial
> encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
> 15. Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is
> 16. Transport pilot: Air-drops expired snakebite
> kits two grid squares away on roof of children's
> 17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24
> Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief
> paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.
> 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87
> cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy
> 4 km east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement
> weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too
> dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover
> etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar,
> air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.
> 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake,
> cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared.
> Infrared only operable in desert AOs without power
> lines or SAMs.
> 20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth
> pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out
> VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake
> into fire.
> 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake,
> kills snake and every other living thing within two
> miles of target.
> 22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to
> snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization
> from National Command Authority to use weapons.
> 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only
> four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently
> active. We assess the potential for snake activity as
> 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG)(Lawyers): Snake declines
> to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
Thanks,you made my day!
OH MY GAWD that was funny.
In infantrie school once I had set up for a road side ambush. I had the perfect position, several Sgts came up to take my spot but everyone suddenly decided to let me have it and would leave in a hurry.
An hour later, we ambush the other group, we win, I stand up, and see a HUGE black snake on a branch that had been about 6 inches above my head. Scared the shit out of me.
The vermin had a nice view of a well done ambush though.
Here's one of the smarter things I've seen someone do.....
After doing a range at 29 Stumps, we had to police call the damn thing. We're moving up a dry creek bed, and a rattler goes slithering off into some sagebrush. So, several of my squad members, being the brain scientists that they were, say "Hey! A snake! Let's catch it!" and proceed to chase said rattler into the sagebrush. Smart. Luckily my squad leader caught them before the snake did.
On Pendleton we'd try to catch snakes, lizards, and scorpions, and put them in an MRE case sleeve and make them fight.
A buddy of mine did the Buttstock Shuffle on a baby rattler. It was inches from his foot, coiled and rattling, and he was just standing there BSing with me. I told him there was a snake, and he couldnt find it at first, then when I pointed my rifle at it, he saw and smashed it with his M16. The snake decided that discretion truly IS the better part of valor, and tried to slither away, but my bud wasnt done yet. He butt-stroked the thing once more, then cut its head off with his knife, and proceeded to carry the disembodied head around and show it to people, especially when they were doing something else, like facing away talking to someone.
That was very funny, my side hurts from laughing so hard. Thanks Pave.
Jeepcreep, I am 100% on board with you, there is no such thing as a nice rattle snake.
I built stumpy as an anti-snake weapon. Does a great job on those rattlers at close range. He has come in real handy just as you’re about to step on one.