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Posted: 2/9/2006 12:43:55 PM EDT
It's really kind of off topic, but I'm posting it here because you KNOW where GD would take this.


We spent the night at the hospital again. The wife has MS and has gone thru some pretty bad times as of late, and I got to thinking while she was sleeping.

We've been married 14 years, and all that time it was "what if I get killed". After all, I'm the guy that plays in traffic, has high cholesterol and does all sorts of riskier stuff such as deep sea fishing, shooting, Army reserve, and motorcycle riding. I never seriously considered being left behind. We're both in our upper 40's.

It's not a money/insurance type of issue, more of a dark empty house issue. She was never able to have kids, so it would just be me.

Have any of you guys ever considered this? What would be your thoughts?
Link Posted: 2/9/2006 12:55:01 PM EDT
While i'm not married yet, i'm slated to get hitched this coming September to my fiance of five years (engaged the passed year). I know it might be premature to think of such things, but when I had similar thoughts it was more along the lines of being without her, period. Not just necessarily due to death, but in general.

My thoughts always centered around how I would deal with the loneliness. My fiance has become such an integral part of my life that it's tough to fathom life without her. But it's important to remember that she'll always be with you, no matter what.

Link Posted: 2/9/2006 12:57:01 PM EDT
Johninaustin, I don't normally post in this forum, but I read your topic in Active Topics.

I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you're dealing with this. I would be completely destroyed to lose my wife. I hope you don't mind if I say a prayer for you two.
Link Posted: 2/9/2006 1:10:28 PM EDT
A +1 to what Ben said.
Link Posted: 2/9/2006 1:13:34 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/9/2006 1:30:29 PM EDT
hey john keep the faith and stay strong, but i too contemplated that very thing 4 years ago when my wife was diagnosed with a non hotchkins lymphoma at 38 years old. im glade to report all is well and i dont have to wory about it now, but it did cross my mind then.
that being said i cant live alone. i enjoy the company of a good woman as a companion and friend. and i hope it works out for your "friend" also. god bless. tim
Link Posted: 2/9/2006 2:41:32 PM EDT
Man, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.
I wish I had some kind of advice for you, but just like everyone else, I always thought I'd be the one to go first.
I'm NOT a super religious guy, I don't even go to Synagogue, but I went through a very rough time this past summer, and my relationship with God grew stronger and helped me through it. I "talk" with God every day. Lean on your friends, too. That's why they are your friends.
Link Posted: 2/9/2006 2:52:23 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/9/2006 3:25:53 PM EDT
John, I hate to see anyone go through this, particularly someone I call a friend like you.

Two years ago, my wife had major health issues while delivering my daughter, and both of them were in significant danger for a few days. Through the grace of God and modern medical technology (which I am still paying for, I might add), we got through it, but John's question was suddenly very relevant for me. I'm mid 30's, so it would be me and LittleBonk2029.
Link Posted: 2/9/2006 3:28:32 PM EDT
I'll pray for her and you.
I would thank God for the time I did have with her. Gift.
As far as moving on. I 'm like the rest here. Been trying to prepare family incase of my untimely demise. I would want my wife and children to have a happy and fulfilling life.

My Lab and I spent a lot of time together chasing birds and walking fields and in the duck marsh after my divorce. Unconditional love.
Link Posted: 2/9/2006 4:12:25 PM EDT
Job 1 is to pray for a full recovery. I'm sure you've got this covered, I'll be keeping the two of you in my thoughts as well.

In the mean time my advice to you is to talk about this with your wife every chance you get. Make sure nothing goes unsaid.

I lost my wife unexpectedly. We were both young and never had the what-if talk. There's a million things I wish we could have talked about.

Talk about anything, talk about nothing, just talk.
Link Posted: 2/9/2006 4:23:50 PM EDT
Lord forbid my wife or my children should precede me in death. But if I lost my wife at this point in my life I am afraid that I would become an almost total recluse. My wife and sons are my whole life right now. I don't go out with "the boys", or do much without her at all besides shooting. Sounds corny, but she and my sons are all I have.
I hope that neither you or I have to find out what we would if we lost our wives.
Link Posted: 2/9/2006 5:23:59 PM EDT
I dont know. Take care buddy and stay strong.
Link Posted: 2/9/2006 7:54:21 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/10/2006 3:03:52 AM EDT by poiny]
Hope things improve.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 11:29:05 AM EDT
Wow.... Talk about flashbacks....

While I can’t claim to have been in exactly the same position myself, this does bring back some
rather unpleasant memories.

My fiancee was killed on duty 12+ years ago. The BG was never caught. Obviously, there was no
warning, and being younger, I admit to being guilty of having had the “Superman Complex” in
that the thought of our own mortality never had really crossed my mind. That stuff happened to
other people. Luckily for me, my chief was able to vouch for my whereabouts the night that she was
killed, or I’d have been in deep shit, since circumstantial evidence would have had me looking
guilty otherwise.... but I’m wandering.

As Delta said, talk, talk and talk some more. Don’t let anything go unsaid. One thing that will
probably always haunt me is that I didn’t tell her that I loved her the last time I saw her. Don’t let
that happen. (That’s one reason that anytime I talk to Mrs. Tanker on the phone, or before I leave
for work, I tell her that I love her.) In my case, the loss was unexpected, and I just about literally
shut down. I have zero recollection of what went on for a certain amount of time afterwards. I give
God, my family and friends the credit for helping me get through it all.....

You (and don’t take this the wrong way) have the forewarning that it may happen. Make sure the
various preparations are in order. Finances in order, important documents filed where you know
their whereabouts, etc. Find out from her what she would like “in case it happens” for her funeral.
Flowers, music, where to be buried.... Later on, (and I pray that it won’t prove necessary) it will help
know that it was handled how she wanted it.

I’ve honestly had the same thoughts cross my mind recently, of being the survivor, as Mrs. Tanker
has developed some medical problems that all stem from an MVA she was in a few months before
we were married. They are rather severe, and will never heal, all we can do is try and keep them in
check. So I can say that the thought of being a combination widower/single parent rather bothers
me.

Sorry that this got long-winded. I don’t really know what else to say... Stay strong, bro, and know
that you both are in our prayers.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 11:34:21 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 11:36:25 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/10/2006 11:36:50 AM EDT by cheaptrickfan]
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:48:24 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Johninaustin:
It's really kind of off topic, but I'm posting it here because you KNOW where GD would take this.
<snip>
Have any of you guys ever considered this? What would be your thoughts?



John,

I know where you are coming from, and it's natural for the man to consider this, as most men tend to be older than the woman, and life expectancy is a bit longer for women than men anyway. And males tend to have the more dangerous jobs, traditionally, than women...also they do TEND to have more dangerous hobbies. So on that count, IMO, you're normal. Unfortunately, I thnk everyone should consider possibilities that go against "the norm". So.....

Now, as far as your wife's MS.

I was DXed w/MS in April of 1998. By May, 2000, I was no longer able to work. By January 2001, I had 20/1000 vision in my right eye, and was told I'd never see any better than that out of i8t, and to "adjust" to it. I was virtually bedridden by latr that year, and things looked very bleak. I had 8 exacerbations my 3rd year w/MS. But the doc had pissed me off w/the "learn to adjust" comment she made about my vision... and pissing me off tends to not be a good idea, generally speaki8ng.

I now have 20/40 vision in my right eye, iI'm no longer bedridden. I have had NO exaccerbations in the last 5 years EXCEPT the ones I CAUSED by withdrawing treatment... (I'm the only guinnea pig I have to determine what WAS or was NOT helping) but I am on NO "prescription drugs" for the MS - unless you count my Allegra D for my allergies (and I DO.... although it's not exactly an MS treatment per se). And even those I take so rarely... 60 pills have lasted me since last June, and I still have over 1/2 the script.)

Basically, through a LOT of research, I figured out MS is caused by a CRITICAL deficiency of omega 3 fatty acids. To a lesser extent, a possible excess of saturated fat, and definitely MILK Products.

Basically the MUSTs are: Add omega 3's to the iet, or suppliment (I suppliment as it's easier, IMO) I'd say 1G-4G/day... this may vary depending upn lifestyle and genetics. I did most of my recovery on 2G of flax(seed) oil/day....which is about 1.17G/day og omega 3's. But now I do about twice that "normally" and a bit more during allergy season.

The "No milk products" part is from a study done by some MS researchers that determined that butyrophilin, found in milk (but not cream or butter products) causes MSers to exacerbate.

That's the BASICS... I can IM you a list of other thngs she can do that will HELP, but those things are the universal "musts". If she has burning pain, tingling/numbness in her extremities, she's probably also deficient in Calcium, and should suppliment there as well, possibly magnesium too.

If she has had/has vision related problems Bilberry is a good idea, but not AS important as the omega 3's.

She may also want to suppliment w/vitamin D3, especially in the winter when getting sun tends to be more problematic. I'm not AT ALL surprised she couldn't have kids, that's another classic omega 3 deficiency symptom. (Men and women).

Hope this helps. For "refrences" yu may wish to see this link:archive.ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=71&t=335504
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 9:22:32 PM EDT
We don't talk about it. We've just quietly put the paperwork in order for "when"...not "if."

What would I do? Probably die early trying to make up for her absence to the kids.
Link Posted: 2/11/2006 7:33:05 PM EDT
I would continue living as my wife would wish for me to do. It would suck for a long time but I'd 'get over it' and move on.

I know that sounds crass but it isn't meant to.

Brian
Link Posted: 2/12/2006 12:08:53 AM EDT
You kidding?
My wife is my love, my life, my sanity.
I really can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.
We've been together for 25 years, and I think she is the only reason I haven't been a front page story.
Link Posted: 2/12/2006 12:29:43 AM EDT
I got this view point from another member here. I dont recall who. It was in a similar post but not the same.

"I'd rather my wife went first, so i would know she was always taken care of."

Link Posted: 2/12/2006 9:49:32 AM EDT
John
In our line of work you know by now that there are many many experiences that change the way we look at life and it changes our life and we have no option as to what will happen sometimes. But we do have complete control over how we deal with the life experiences and how we live our life now and after the life changing event, it is totally up to us to either feel the pain and then move forward in a positive manner and grow and if I am correct I am betting this is what your wife would want you to do. But we can also sit around and drown in self pity be like a lost soul wondering around life and eventually crash and burn. The bottom line is that you may be in a situation that you cannot influence the outcome but you do have control over what happens afterwards. As a LEO we have a major mind set problem when we can't prevent a train wreck and that is something you need to understand but our mind set also makes us very capable of effectively dealing with the aftermath.

My advice is LOVE the hell out of your wife and don't be afraid to get even closer to her than you are now someday you won’t regret it. As Leo’s we tend to push our emotions into to a place that we can't feel, find or even think about experiencing them. This is not good, especially when it concerns someone we love. Dig those emotions out of your hiding place and then talk and share with your wife all of them, it will make your relationship much closer and fulfilling. Don't be afraid to get your heart shredded if she should pass on, after the pain heals you will never regret how close you became, how well you took care of her and you will never forget or regret how much you loved her and why!

Drop me an IM or email and I will call you and we can talk on my dime! Before I retired I was a critical incident team leader and I am pretty easy to talk to.
Link Posted: 2/12/2006 12:52:47 PM EDT
Anyone else concerned that Johninaustin hasn't replied to any posts? (I am )

Oh! and I meant to say that I don't usually post here either, but I figured it was okay as I have an OFFICIAL "Ohio State Highway Patrol Brat" certification.
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