This is probably already in here somewhere, but I'm too lazy to sift through all the posts to find out:

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’
I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word…he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ‘

No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No’ .. I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.

‘ Then I said, ‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’

‘No,’ he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident ?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled ‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don’t get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:

‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

An Irishman see's a job advert published on a building site, 'handy man
wanted apply within'.
So he does and speaks to the foreman.
Foreman: Can you drive a fork-lift truck?
Irish man: No
Foreman: can you plaster?
Irish man: No
Foreman: Can you brick lay?
Irish man: No
Foreman: If you don't mind me asking, what's handy about you?
Irish man: I only live five minutes down the road....
-----------------------------


Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

OMG, this is the most hilarious thing I've read in a long time! I laughed so hard I cried! Anyhow, here's my contribution, hopefully someone hasn't already posted it in the many pages prior.



For ten years two statues, one male and one female, stood in the center of a park for ten years. One day an angel came before them bringing them to life.

"For doing such a good job and bringing so many people joy for so long in this park God has decided to reward you both with one hour of life, with which you can do anything you wish."

The two statues smiled at each other and ran off into the bushes together. For 30 minutes the bushes rustled and there was much giggling, after which the two statues emerged hand in hand with broad smiles on their faces.

The angel cleared his throat and said softly, "you know, you still have another 30 minutes if you'd like to go back and finish what you were doing?"

At this, the female statue turned to the male statue with a broad smile and said excitedly, "OK, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it's head!"





 

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , USA , they decided to send it to President Obama.

Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington , D.C. and that asshole Obama took $95.00 in taxes.

I'm not sure, but I think it's been posted here earlier.

What did the Pope have for breakfast today?










Ex-Benedict.

A LOGICAL SOLUTION.
Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem. From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.

A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bulls**t and a** kissing that will put you over the top.





Heaven won’t take me, and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail, but your best friend is the one sitting next to you saying "that was fucking awesome"

People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege.

Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it.

Remember when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the asshole upside the head.

I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

The trouble with real life is that there is no danger music.

Reality is an illusion caused by a shortage of alcohol.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

It's not that I'm antisocial. I just don't like you.

I seriously think that a feral chihuahua rolling on the keyboard during a sneezing fit could spell better than you.

Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in several countries

Not all people are annoying – some are dead

I am prepared to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter

Someone who is a pessimist before forty-eight knows too much; someone who is an optimist after forty-eight knows too little.

That is actually believeable.......

Green nazi gets his.

Link posted instead of giving you a white box.

The Pope has resigned, saying that at 85 he doesn't have the strength or energy to carry out his duties.

A few months ago, at 87, Hugh Hefner married his 26-year-old girlfriend.

Doesn't say much for a life of celibacy, does it?!  
---------------------

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The
mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let
him get himself out of it."
--------------------------

Homesick Snowbird?

I was in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read,
"I miss Detroit ."

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read,
"I hope this helps!"

A  25 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months.

Very  worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and  crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want  to know!"
Without  answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.
A  mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke
steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the  living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them,  "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry
her  because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will
pay all costs and provide for your daughter  for the rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I  will bequeath two retail furniture
stores, a deli, a condo in Miami,  and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is  born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelery stores and a
$25,000,000 bank  account."

"However, if  there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's
shoulder and told him, 'You'll try again."

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie
last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her
part.
------------------------------

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.

------------------------------

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of
the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I
made it home OK!

-------------------------------


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed
herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier
on!"
----------------------------------


The wife said she'd be ok with a threesome. She asked which of her
friends I'd like to sleep with. Apparently I wasn't suppose to give her
two names.

Had my wings pulled once or twice, the ladies have a very good sense of humor here, and the ability to rip off the wings with delight.
I do try to change gender though when the joke won't lose its flavor.


A young woman wanted to get her handsome blond
husband something nice for their
first wedding anniversary. So she decides to buy
him a cell phone.
He is all excited, he loves his phone.
She shows
him and explains to him
all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde husband goes shopping. His phone
rings and it's his wife.

"Hi hun," she says, "how do you like your new
phone?"

He replies, "I just love, it's so small and your
voice is clear as a bell
but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the wife.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

"Santa's Lap"
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas ?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

-=+=-

"Christmas Pageant"
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."

-=+=-

"The Nativity Scene"
A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus.

However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable, that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, That's Round John Virgin."

-=+=-

"The Lost Purse"
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

****************Danger - Punny stuff ahead************************

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
------------------------

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to
bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief
was feeling.  The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended,
but the malady lingers on."
---------------------------------------

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to
the local civic official who apologized profusely saying,
I must have taken Leif off my census.
----------------------------------------------------

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept
on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal
to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Do Las Vegas Churches accept  gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE  OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES  THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT  SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN  THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY  DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO  COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR  COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING  AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND  CASHED IN.





THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP  MONKS.

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.









While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere.



She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today !



Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection !



What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?



Beretta Jetfire:

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

The doctor explains to the heart patient that he would be able to resume
his sex life as soon as he could climb two flights of stairs without
becoming winded.
The patient listens attentively and then says, "What if I only hang with women who
live on the ground floor?"
-----------------------

One day I was driving with my 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake.   She turned and looked at me for an explanation.

I said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that grandpa."

I replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say 'asshole!' afterwards."

 

Did you hear about the half Vietnamese/half German guy who fell asleep at the beach? His name was Son-Tan Hertz.

A guy walks into a bar and the bar tender says: Hey, you know you've got a steering wheel in your pants?
The guys says: Yeah, it's driving me nuts!

ETA: sounds better in a heavy English accent.

A couple guys are kicked back on the porch rocking and having a few beverages.
One looks over at the dog "grooming" itself and says to the other "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy looks over at the dog, then back at his friend and reply's "Better not, he'll bite you."

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

A woman comes home one day and tells her husband that she needs $9,000. He asks her what she needs the money for, and she tells them that she wants to get breast implants. The husband calmly takes another sip of his coffee and says, why don't you just rub toilet paper on them every day. The wife asks, how is that going to make them bigger. The husband says, I don't know, but it sure worked on your butt.