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Posted: 1/27/2006 8:04:12 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/27/2006 8:06:03 AM EDT by SP1Grrl]
Link Posted: 1/27/2006 8:31:06 AM EDT
LMAO! Mind if I borrow a few of those?

If you want to play in a store, go to Wal-Mart at 3am. Night shift Wal-Mart employees are very permissive as long as you stay out of the silly string. It is also not illegal, I found out, to put together the kite you just purchased and fly it in said Wal-Mart parking lot at 4am, even after they've kicked you out of the store.

Most of my husband's pranks involve farting on or near my head. He still hasn't learned that that is a bad idea.
Link Posted: 1/27/2006 8:50:46 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/27/2006 9:40:24 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/27/2006 9:40:44 AM EDT by PlaymoreMinds]


A hog tied tannerite strapped scared dog.....


THAT'S a visual...


<wonders if Mr Playmore will sleep soundly enough for me to do that to him...I LIKE the dog>
Link Posted: 1/27/2006 10:24:18 AM EDT
Hiding all of the toilet paper in the house is always a good one. One of my personal favorites is putting scotch bonnet oil on a toothbrush. That one never gets old!

I have been known to:

put a few pebbles in a hubcap so that it makes noise when the wheel turns.

put vaseline on all of the doornobs in the house.

put shaving cream on the phone earpiece and call from a different phone so someone else will answer.

connect the horn to the brake pedal.

pretend to have a siezure whenever meeting new people I don't like.

pretend to have Tourrete's syndrome when church is boring.

fart and blame the g/f...especially when in public.

put condoms in the shopping carts of nuns.

put Preparation H in the shopping cart of a really hot chick or a good looking guy, especially if the checkout girl is hot and he is better looking than me. Nix Crab Lice shampoo is a good one too!

put baby powder in the a/c vents in the car...turn off the air/heat.

pretend to speak only a made up lovey dovey language that only the g/f and I know. This works great at boring office parties or her family functions. (there is no pretend language)

act out complete Shakespearean monologues at center court in the mall. I usually make it up as I go along.



Link Posted: 1/27/2006 12:12:52 PM EDT
If you have little kids, don't let 'em read this...especially if they're close in years...

When my brother and I were little, we got Mom but GOOD. She learned real quick to never take our words for anything...something that still haunts us to this day

Anyway, the parents' bedroom and sitting room were hardwood floor. (That didn't last long after the stunt) Mom would rub Vicks Vapo-rub on us whenever we had colds, etc...that got old after a while, so we wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine.

To Mom's credit, after my brother and I had been quiet for a solid 20 minutes, her antenna DID prick up and wonder WTF was going on. (I was 4 or 5, my brother was 3 or 4 or so...back in the late 70's).

All the sudden she hears my brother and I wailing at the TOP of our lungs, screamign bloody murder. Crying, yelping, the whole 9 yards. Mom drops the dishes she was washing and sprints up the stairs and around the corner to her sitting room and bedroom...

Unbeknownst to her, my brother and I had taken the vat of Vicks she kept near the bed, and emptied it. Most of it was coating the hardwood floor, stretching a couple feet in front of the doorway, to another couple feet beyond the threshold of the bedroom.

So she comes whipping into the room, has a moment of clarity JUST as she's about to hit the door threshold...notices my brother and I are bouncing on her bed, giggling and watching her as she runs towards us...her feet start to slide as she tries to stop in the Vicks...she reaches out to grab the door jamb...

That was when phase two kicked into action: I had played ladder as my brother climbed up on my shoulders and had spread Vicks on the doorjambs right about where her hands would grab the doorway in the event she tried to break her fall.

So, yah. Slip, smack, thump as she hit the far wall.

Amazingly, we didn't get punished. She was laughing too hard.

We never saw the Vicks tub again, either.

Dad also grew to have a serious distaste for menthol-smelling/flavored products after that. Maybe it was the couple of weeks that he couldn't get that smell out of the bedroom...

Link Posted: 1/27/2006 2:27:01 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/27/2006 2:29:10 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/27/2006 2:34:56 PM EDT


Thanks, it is nice to read something positive about being married for a change!
Link Posted: 1/27/2006 7:49:57 PM EDT

Originally Posted By SP1Grrl:

Originally Posted By Evil_Ed:
snip



I see why your name is evil_ed. This is exactly why I'm terrified of having children. Jason could come in here and tell stories for hours on what he's done to his parents/brother as a kid. I just know that our boy will be worse. So...no kids. I don't think my heart could take it.



SP1? You'll love my sigline on my personal email :

"I am the mother of the boy your mother warned you about."


I swear my spawn will rule the world one day...<<sigh>>>OOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!
Have a daughter instead...that'd teach Jason!!!!

Link Posted: 1/27/2006 7:58:37 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/27/2006 7:59:35 PM EDT by modog]
1st thing in the morning, before wife gets up for her predawn pee.

Open toilet lid, add red food coloring. Close lid.

Creep back to bed, then precede wife into master bathroom. Pee, and commence screaming.



Do not have your friend call your wife at her place of employment, in the middle of a meeting, and identify himself as "Her Baby Daddy".
Link Posted: 1/27/2006 8:08:35 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/27/2006 8:25:22 PM EDT
Jack up her 4runner and set it on just enough bricks to get the tires off the ground.

Find one of those rainbow bumperstickers and put it on her bumper.

Plastic wire ties around the driveshaft, just long enough that they hit the floorboard at speed.

Condom with mayo in it hanging off her back bumper.

Make a "Proud Lesbian Activist" license plate for her ride. She rode around for a week with that one before a LHAO State Trooper pulled her over and took it off for her. I left the issued plate behind the "custom" one. I know for a fact that quite a few of the local boys saw it and let it ride, laffin their ass off.

I'm a bad boy, but haven't been sent back to the nervous hospital, yet.
Link Posted: 1/27/2006 8:28:38 PM EDT

Originally Posted By SP1Grrl:

Originally Posted By modog:
1st thing in the morning, before wife gets up for her predawn pee.

Open toilet lid, add red food coloring. Close lid.

Creep back to bed, then precede wife into master bathroom. Pee, and commence screaming.


Do not have your friend call your wife at her place of employment, in the middle of a meeting, and identify himself as "Her Baby Daddy".



I think I'd pass out if he did that to me. Especially first thing in the morning when you're not really awake enough to know what's going on.



Yep that's the best time to do it. Though I have to admit the game camera incident makes a little food coloring pale in comparison.

Link Posted: 1/27/2006 11:56:14 PM EDT
*sounds of thunder and a pipe organ*



Tag.
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 6:21:40 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 7:33:55 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/28/2006 12:15:05 PM EDT by SP1Grrl]
Things my wife has told me in public:

I do NOT have a speech impediment that makes me talk like that.

It unsettles people when I talk like I have a severe speech impediment and drool profusely.

I am not allowed to yell at other peoples kids when they are misbehaving.

It is not very nice to point her out to a new employee at work, make a comment about her rack, and then when the new guy responds in kind, inform him she's my wife. Funny, but not nice.

I am not allowed to shave the cat.

Stop that!

The correct response when the teller asks you if you want your money in small bills or large bills is NOT "Eh, doesn't matter. I'm just gonna blow it all on crack anyhow." said with a straight face.

Chihuahuas are not "burrito sized"

When we tube the river, screaming drunkenly "Show us yer boobs" at fat guys is likely to cause fights.

When we are at the river, screaming drunkenly in a pirate voice for a harpoon will often do the same.

When we are at the river, I am not to encourage public nudity.

When we are at the river, if a naked woman jumps in my lap, we are NOT taking her home.

I am not to participate in public nudity. Nobody wants to see my fluorescent ass.

I am not allowed to form a boarding party and raid for beer if we run out.

I am not allowed to scuttle the raft with the giant boom box playing rap.

Trying to set my unsuspecting male friends up with other men is not nice. Particularly when neither party is gay.

Building a fire in the ashtray in a restaraunt to get the attention of a waitress is not allowed. It doesn't matter how effective it is.

Don't point out toupee's (sp?)

Remember what happened last time?

No, the cat doesn't like to be petted backwards.

It's not nice to give little kids inventory control tags and tell them they're magic tickets.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's about all I can think of at the moment. And yes, I do have the energy of a 5 year old on crack. The difference is that the 5 year old has a longer attention span....



Whoops, I meant to edit MY post and I accidentally clicked on yours. Yea for the hangover...Sorry, G_T.
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 11:08:08 AM EDT
all of those are great........

I have a few, BUT I have to plead the 5th.....
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 11:15:05 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Gravity_Tester:
Things my wife has told me in public:

I do NOT have a speech impediment that makes me talk like that.

It unsettles people when I talk like I have a severe speech impediment and drool profusely.

I am not allowed to yell at other peoples kids when they are misbehaving.

It is not very nice to point her out to a new employee at work, make a comment about her rack, and then when the new guy responds in kind, inform him she's my wife. Funny, but not nice.

I am not allowed to shave the cat.

Stop that!

The correct response when the teller asks you if you want your money in small bills or large bills is NOT "Eh, doesn't matter. I'm just gonna blow it all on crack anyhow." said with a straight face.

Chihuahuas are not "burrito sized"

When we tube the river, screaming drunkenly "Show us yer boobs" at fat guys is likely to cause fights.

When we are at the river, screaming drunkenly in a pirate voice for a harpoon will often do the same.

When we are at the river, I am not to encourage public nudity.

When we are at the river, if a naked woman jumps in my lap, we are NOT taking her home.

I am not to participate in public nudity. Nobody wants to see my fluorescent ass.

I am not allowed to form a boarding party and raid for beer if we run out.

I am not allowed to scuttle the raft with the giant boom box playing rap.

Trying to set my unsuspecting male friends up with other men is not nice. Particularly when neither party is gay.

Building a fire in the ashtray in a restaraunt to get the attention of a waitress is not allowed. It doesn't matter how effective it is.

Don't point out toupee's (sp?)

Remember what happened last time?

No, the cat doesn't like to be petted backwards.

It's not nice to give little kids inventory control tags and tell them they're magic tickets.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's about all I can think of at the moment. And yes, I do have the energy of a 5 year old on crack. The difference is that the 5 year old has a longer attention span....




Note to self...GT and "The River" leads to man boobs and brawls....

Your wife's a saint....one with a nice rack, evidently, but a saint nonetheless
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 11:19:39 AM EDT
These are hilarious....I gotta steal a few of these
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 11:20:38 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Gravity_Tester:
-snip-



Link Posted: 1/28/2006 11:40:57 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Gravity_Tester:

Building a fire in the ashtray in a restaraunt to get the attention of a waitress is not allowed. It doesn't matter how effective it is.

No, the cat doesn't like to be petted backwards.



I know about those two (hubby *cough cough*)
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 12:07:49 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/28/2006 12:08:53 PM EDT by SP1Grrl]
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 12:17:15 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 12:56:16 PM EDT
Tag for when I have time.
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 1:19:49 PM EDT

Originally Posted By SP1Grrl:
By the way, whenever you write a check for something, apparently people don't like it when you write "FOR HOOKERS AND BLOW" in big letters in the comments section. Been doing that for years. Mom finally got used to it.

ETA: And here I thought I was the only one that said that...I get to ARF and it's widespread. Sweet.



I usually write "For Sexual Favors".
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 1:33:07 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 1:41:56 PM EDT

Originally Posted By SP1Grrl:

Do not leave your computer on at all times. I don't know how many times I have sat down to the computer and the desktop background has been changed from the pleasant picture of the ocean to some photoshopped picture of myself with some sordid saying attached. Lesson: Password protect your computer.

Your non-gun-owning friends don't like it when you fire blanks in the house.




ah - Those were not blanks... Thats why there IS an Outers bullet trap sitting on the TV...

And yes - Never leave your computer unprotected...

Hmm Tannerite and Dog. - Wonder if instead of "Fetch" he could be trained to "place" since I'm too damn lazy to keep running down range.

BTW - I have not laughed this hard in a long time - Free therapy!
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 4:31:31 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/28/2006 4:33:21 PM EDT by GabbasaurusRex]
That's hilarious!!!

What can I contribute?
ETA: These have nothing to do with significant others, this is just my own lack of maturity.

1. Clucking at a Burger King drive-thru will not get you a chicken sandwich. It'll get you a hysterical laugh from your friend in the passenger seat and a lot of confusion for the manager at the drive-thru, but it will not get you a chicken sandwich.

2. Cart surfing will get you kicked out of Toys-R-Us.

3. Cart surfing while using a cloth horse head on a stick will get you kicked out of Toys-R-Us.

4. Cart surfing while wearing a Viking helmet and using a cloth horse head on a stick will get you kicked out of Toys-R-Us.

5. Especially if you're singing the Ride of the Valkyrie.

6. Sports store employees are not okay with people chucking Nerf footballs across the aisles at each other.

7. Yelling "POOP" as loud as you can in a mall will cause people to stare (I was witness to this one, NOT a participant.)

8. Department store employees don't appreciate you disrobing the mannequins.



Maturity at its best.
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 5:30:30 PM EDT

Originally Posted By GabbasaurusRex:
5. Especially if you're singing the Ride of the Valkyrie.



How does one.. sing that?
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 5:36:28 PM EDT

Originally Posted By VooDoo3dfx:

Originally Posted By GabbasaurusRex:
5. Especially if you're singing the Ride of the Valkyrie.



How does one.. sing that?


You know....bum bada BA ba, bum bada BA ba, bum bada BA ba bum bada BA!!!

Oh, you get the idea.
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 6:02:32 PM EDT
I am no longer allowed to have a tirade in the produce section of Sams Club in mock Vietnamese language.
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 6:57:46 PM EDT
taggggg
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 7:07:16 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 7:16:38 PM EDT

Originally Posted By PlaymoreMinds:


Note to self...GT and "The River" leads to man boobs and brawls....

Your wife's a saint....one with a nice rack, evidently, but a saint nonetheless



The river leads to boobs period. And yes, my wife has a great deal of tolerance for my idiocy...


GT
There's donuts in the boobies!
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 7:40:18 PM EDT
I do this know and then just to piss off others.

I take an empty beer can and fill it with juice or what ever my 5 year old nephew likes and liet him have at it in public.

Alot of guys grin. The moms how ever have a nit about a 5 year old drinking what they think is Budwieser.

In general me and kids do not mix. My maturity comes down to there level when it's time to have fun.

I am no longer alowed to go to the toy store with any of my brothers. Especially if my nephews are with us.
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 7:51:18 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 7:53:23 PM EDT
its not a good idea to go camping, only to be awoken by your friend who is thinking someone/something is outside and when you check there is nothing, then when he goes back to sleep, sneak outside the tent, fire three rounds into the ground, scream bloody murder, fire too more rounds and run away screaming OH MY GOD OH MY GOD ITS COMING AFTER ME!, this will result in a busted zipper on said friends sleeping bag as you whitness said friend getting out of a tent the quickest you have ever seen himget out of one in his life and one very angry friend, who will get angry as he walks the 30 feet back to the tent after he realizes the only threat is of you dying of laughter.

its not a good idea to drop a friend off at a movie theater, then return 5 mins later in a big black suv, dressed in all black with ski masks, grab said friend (who is in on the prank) at gunpoint (fake guns) while he is yelling then drive off while everyone is watching, then go sit in a parking lot two streets down watching the video someone in another car sitting in the movie theater parking lot made. the police will not take kindly to this and will surround your care, gun's drawn, order everyone out of the vehilce, and result in also 200 hours of community service.
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 8:05:01 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 8:11:55 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/28/2006 8:14:04 PM EDT by Sly_C]

Originally Posted By SP1Grrl:

Originally Posted By Sly_C:
its not a good idea to go camping, only to be awoken by your friend who is thinking someone/something is outside and when you check there is nothing, then when he goes back to sleep, sneak outside the tent, fire three rounds into the ground, scream bloody murder, fire too more rounds and run away screaming OH MY GOD OH MY GOD ITS COMING AFTER ME!, this will result in a busted zipper on said friends sleeping bag as you whitness said friend getting out of a tent the quickest you have ever seen himget out of one in his life and one very angry friend, who will get angry as he walks the 30 feet back to the tent after he realizes the only threat is of you dying of laughter.

its not a good idea to drop a friend off at a movie theater, then return 5 mins later in a big black suv, dressed in all black with ski masks, grab said friend (who is in on the prank) at gunpoint (fake guns) while he is yelling then drive off while everyone is watching, then go sit in a parking lot two streets down watching the video someone in another car sitting in the movie theater parking lot made. the police will not take kindly to this and will surround your care, gun's drawn, order everyone out of the vehilce, and result in also 200 hours of community service.



Oh damn. You win.



haha, its also not a very good idea, to tell your friends that love to pull practical jokes that you are scared of clowns, this will result in one of ur friends (me) renting a ladder, a clown costume, and some scary vampire teeth (think the clown from steven kings IT movie) climbing up to the roof and over to ur window, where your bed is, knocking on the windows as you sleep, and then screaming HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! in a crazy clown laugh and then yelling I"VE COME TO GET YOU! this will result i you A. having to change your pants, or B. screaming, rolling out of bed, running out of the bedroom and locking urself in the hallway bathroom (said friends reaction) and then coming to class the next day and yelling at all your friends until till you found out which one did it.

I have also pulled the gay pride bumper sticker on a friends car prank too, he drove around with it on for a week as well, god that was funny.
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 8:14:24 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 8:24:34 PM EDT
see my friends tried the whole practical joke thing, they knew i was scared of burgalors, or just simply someone breaking into the house. Well I was spening the night in my friends apartment one night after we'd been drinking, well my friends found my glockand unloaded it and put it back int eh holster beside teh bed. they then decided one of them would stage a home invasion. So one of them runs into the room i was sleeping in in all black, well i grab the glock and try to shoot him, but it doesn't fire, so i proceed to pistol whip his ass, i beat the hell out of one of my friends, until he kept yelling stop its me mike stop its me mike.
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 8:30:31 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 8:39:52 PM EDT

Originally Posted By GabbasaurusRex:
4. Cart surfing while wearing a Viking helmet <snip> Especially if you're singing the Ride of the Valkyrie.


Link Posted: 1/28/2006 8:42:02 PM EDT

Originally Posted By SP1Grrl:

Originally Posted By Sly_C:
see my friends tried the whole practical joke thing, they knew i was scared of burgalors, or just simply someone breaking into the house. Well I was spening the night in my friends apartment one night after we'd been drinking, well my friends found my glockand unloaded it and put it back int eh holster beside teh bed. they then decided one of them would stage a home invasion. So one of them runs into the room i was sleeping in in all black, well i grab the glock and try to shoot him, but it doesn't fire, so i proceed to pistol whip his ass, i beat the hell out of one of my friends, until he kept yelling stop its me mike stop its me mike.



Bet they never tried that one again.



no they tend to not want to pull jokes on me anymore. but we've given the guy who is scared of clowns hell. there was that first joke, but many more. I bought this stuff clown one time, it was a big one, like about 2 feet tall. Well me and 2 other friends snuck over to his house and proceeded to stap it into the passenger side seat 30 mins before he had to leave for work at like 6 am (he almost never locks his doors) well we're hiding across the street in some bushes, and see him get in the car and start to back out of the drive way when all of a sudden i see him lock the brakes down and come screaming out of the car. we were laughing so hard we were surprised he didn't hear us, he had to go inside and get his roomate to come out to the car and get it out before he could leave. LMAO
Link Posted: 1/28/2006 9:16:54 PM EDT
Been a couple years, but..... With your brother, buying a bag of dog dry dog food at the grocery store, open it while in line and start eating a few nuggets, Making it look like your eating a hand full,. When old people look at you just say you could wait to eat, been a couple of days. Most people don't know what to do...... It is so hard not to laugh at the expressions you get.
Link Posted: 1/29/2006 6:17:33 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/29/2006 7:32:15 AM EDT

Originally Posted By SP1Grrl:

Originally Posted By MrsBRF:
taggggg



[hijack] You have that baby yet? [/hijack]



yes'm 1-10-06 weighed 6lb4oz 19 inches Kylie Suzanna is her name and shes the most precious thing EVER

[/hijack] lol
Link Posted: 1/29/2006 7:36:32 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/29/2006 7:40:25 AM EDT
From my birthday party last night:

Getting nekkid in a hot tub with three hot girls (even if one of 'em is your wife) is fun. Offering color commentary on the bewbies on display can be awkward.
Link Posted: 1/29/2006 11:25:45 AM EDT

Originally Posted By SP1Grrl:
Putting Saran Wrap across the toilet bowl and shutting the lid do not make for a pleasant experience first thing in the morning. Some people apparently don't think it's funny when pee goes everywhere.



I did that to an old roomate...I also did the shaving cream in the hand and on one side of the pillow while she slept. Another time I hid her boots...THAT was fun. I put them in the little frige. She was late for formation and Top was unamused.

She was a beyatch....

And there was only room in our room for ONE of those.
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