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Posted: 12/19/2005 8:02:40 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 8:31:14 PM EDT
I sort of went through this a year ago. Except I didn't stand my ground at first. You're doing good, you seem to know exactly what she needs you for. All it will do is create more drama in you life.

I told my ex that I couldn't be there to make up for the shortfalls of her new bf. I'm 2nd to no one, all or nothing.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 12:59:15 AM EDT

Originally Posted By HiramRanger:
I posted this in Team, but figured you might be able to offer some really good advice.

So my ex, who breaks up with me because she isn't ready for a relationship... calls me the other week and asks how I am.

I'm fine why?

Well I've been thinking about you and miss talking to you.

And I miss you Erica, but why the call now?

Well I miss having you as a friend.

Well Erica, I told you, like Frank said... all, or nothing at all... half a love, it never appealed to me.

Can't we be friends?

No.

Why?

Because I'm still in love with you and friends doesn't work when that is the case.

Why not?

Well, because friends translates into you want me to be your emotional tampon when shit's bad, but you don't want to give anything in return.

That isn't fair.

Maybe its not fair, but its true.

Fuck you.

No, you see... by your definition, friends don't fuck... which is why I don't need any more "friends," I have plenty of those.

Why are you being this way?

You walked out on me... broke my heart... and now want to walk back into my life because you are feeling emotionally needy, sorry just not interested.

Wish you wouldn't be this way.

Sorry toots, you made me this way.

End of call

The other day she calls back.

Are you mad at me?

What difference does it make?

It matters to me.

Nope, couldn't care less, do I have a reason to be mad?

You sounded mad the other day.

No, that was my I just don't give a shit attitude.

How can you say you love me if you say you don't give a shot.

Funny, how can you say you loved me when you walked away.

I do love you.

You have a funny way of showing it Erica.

I miss you.

Well I miss you too, but I told you, if we give this another go its on my terms... which means we sit down and talk to somebody about your relationship issues.

I don't need that.

YES, you do...

No, I mean I've worked through them.

Apparently not.

I've "found my lobster."

Oh... well... that's pretty interesting since we broke up a month ago and you said you couldn't be in a relationship and now you've found your soulmate.

Things happen.

No, not like that they don't Erica... you are either lying to me now, or you were lying to me then, in either case your credibility is shot with me.

Why can't we be friends?

I've explained that to you.

You're being unreasonable!

No, I'm being logical rather than emotionally hysterical, friendships are built upon trust and mutual support and all I'm hearing is me me me, and quite frankly, I don't trust you.

Well all I can offer is friendship.

Sorry, not interested.

So, you are throwing what we have away?

Erica, as I see it, we don't HAVE a DAMN thing.

What the FUCK?



If she calls again, ask her if her "lobster" knows that she is incessently calling her ex trying to be "friends" when he has decisively rejected the offer on several occasions. Ask her if she cares how this man would feel about it. Then ask her if she still thinks she has worked through her "relationship issues".

It's normal to miss someone that you were in love with, it's not normal to harange them into being friends.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 2:55:11 AM EDT

Originally Posted By gunchyck:

Originally Posted By HiramRanger:
<snip>



If she calls again, ask her if her "lobster" knows that she is incessently calling her ex trying to be "friends" when he has decisively rejected the offer on several occasions. Ask her if she cares how this man would feel about it. Then ask her if she still thinks she has worked through her "relationship issues".

It's normal to miss someone that you were in love with, it's not normal to harange them into being friends.



excellent advice.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 4:12:49 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 4:23:39 AM EDT

Originally Posted By HiramRanger:
I asked her what the lobster would think if she knew she was calling, she said he knew all about me and would not be jealous. I have a feeling there is no lobster... that she just used that for jealousy and it didn't work. In either case, I don't tolerate lies or game playing.



well in the case that "her lobster" really isn't, keep up as you are. Don't give in and play by her rules, don't be "just friends" it's a BS reason to keep you dangling "just in case". Some women can be real bitches and unfortunately it gives us all a bad name.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 4:25:33 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 4:53:07 AM EDT
sounds like you are doing well on your own
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 4:57:31 AM EDT
Yep. 99 percent of the time, being friends with an ex doesn't work. She's just trying to alleviate her guilt, and make everything "ok" so she can sleep at night.

Her saying "let's be friends" is her way of not burning bridges, and thinking that it will lessen the hurt on your side.

It doesn't work, and she's kidding herself. Keep up the good work on your end. Don't let her off easy. I like your approach with her. She'll figure it out soon enough and leave you alone. I'd even take it one step further and tell her to stop calling you.

Good luck! And, once again, for the record, NOT ALL WOMEN ARE PSYCHOS!!!!!
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 5:11:57 AM EDT

Originally Posted By daisywench:
Good luck! And, once again, for the record, NOT ALL WOMEN ARE PSYCHOS!!!!!



Trying to find one that isn't.. is harder than trying to passing honors college courses..
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 5:21:44 AM EDT

Originally Posted By VooDoo3dfx:

Originally Posted By daisywench:
Good luck! And, once again, for the record, NOT ALL WOMEN ARE PSYCHOS!!!!!



Trying to find one that isn't.. is harder than trying to passing honors college courses..



Sorry, hon...I hate long distance relationships.

Link Posted: 12/20/2005 5:46:15 AM EDT

Originally Posted By daisywench:

Originally Posted By VooDoo3dfx:

Originally Posted By daisywench:
Good luck! And, once again, for the record, NOT ALL WOMEN ARE PSYCHOS!!!!!



Trying to find one that isn't.. is harder than trying to passing honors college courses..



Sorry, hon...I hate long distance relationships.




Sigh.

There goes my christmas....


Link Posted: 12/20/2005 6:07:37 AM EDT
HiramRanger this wasn't the young chicky snack from a few months ago was it?

I think you handled yourself perfectly. I think she's probably just a little...horny...and wanting a quicky with no ties involved.

Patty
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 10:14:40 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 10:39:46 AM EDT

Originally Posted By MrsGungho:
well in the case that "her lobster" really isn't, keep up as you are. Don't give in and play by her rules, don't be "just friends" it's a BS reason to keep you dangling "just in case". Some women can be real bitches and unfortunately it gives us all a bad name.



I totally agree with you!

HiramRanger - stand your ground, and don't give in. If you do - she'll walk all over you!
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:49:32 AM EDT
What's a lobster? I've never heard that before.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 12:30:01 PM EDT

Originally Posted By inferno715:
What's a lobster? I've never heard that before.




Its from a Friends episode:

PHOEBE: Because she's your lobster.

CHANDLER: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.

PHOEBE: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. .
.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 5:12:36 PM EDT

Originally Posted By VooDoo3dfx:

Originally Posted By daisywench:

Originally Posted By VooDoo3dfx:

Originally Posted By daisywench:
Good luck! And, once again, for the record, NOT ALL WOMEN ARE PSYCHOS!!!!!



Trying to find one that isn't.. is harder than trying to passing honors college courses..



Sorry, hon...I hate long distance relationships.




Sigh.
There goes my christmas....





Awe, poor voodoo, I live in Jersey, and phil_in_seattle is coming for a visit starting 12/27, get some of your gun buddies together and we could all go drinking... spend some time AWAY from the family
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 5:56:01 PM EDT

Originally Posted By gunchyck:
Awe, poor voodoo, I live in Jersey, and phil_in_seattle is coming for a visit starting 12/27, get some of your gun buddies together and we could all go drinking... spend some time AWAY from the family



LoL

Where abouts ?
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 12:32:30 PM EDT
im'd
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:59:54 PM EDT
Hiram, read your thread over in team and forgot to reply.

I went through this exact thing 4-5 years ago. There was huge fallout from my refusal to be friends after the fact-- very similar to what you describe. She found out I became single a couple months back and recently got in touch with me. I agreed to hang out thinking, hell, 4-5 years have past so all this crap should be long gone in the rear view mirror. This first night we hung out it was fine, I actually had a really great time. Then the next time, something happend and some of the feelings returned. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHH it's back to square one.

Moral of the story: stay strong!!! The rebound/curiosity factor was not worth it.
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 3:42:59 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 7:04:26 PM EDT
You can't be "friends" with an ex; She wants you for backup. You are absolutely correct in demanding what you want from the relationship. And there is no lobster. If the lobster existed she wouldn't be calling you.

Link Posted: 12/21/2005 7:15:15 PM EDT
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