Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
Member Login
Posted: 12/7/2005 11:26:31 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/7/2005 11:27:50 AM EDT by PlaymoreMinds]
OK Ladies...I got this in an email from a male buddy. I've read 'em all and thought I should share them since they seem to be pretty accurate. I think it's the first "gender specific" email joke that was NOT written to offend either gender, yet still be damn funny! #16 is my favorite!
Hope you enjoy it!

1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:
>
> - When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
> - The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
> - After wrecking your boss' car.
> - One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
> - When she is using her teeth.
>
> 2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed
> and eaten by his friends.
>
> 3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out
> of jail within 12 hours.
>
> 4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits
> forever, unless you actually marry her.
>
> 5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is
> forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>
> 6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another
> Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly
> optional.
>
> 7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the
> weakest.
>
> 8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may
ask
> the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
>
> 9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when
you're
> sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
> supermodel...and it's free.
>
> 10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to
> kick another Man in the nuts.
>
> 11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>
> 12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>
> 13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
>
> 14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies
> until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as
> much as the other sports watchers.
>
> 15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain
> sober enough to fight.
>
> 16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza,
> but not both - that's just mean.
>
> 17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
> about his choice of beer.
>
> 18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours,
> except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
>
> 19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting
weights:
>
> - Yeah, Baby, Push it!
> - C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
> - Another set and we can hit the showers!
>
> 20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing:
> i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations,
> an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
>
> 21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer
> than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone.
> Hang up if necessary.
>
> 22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a
friend"
> have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and
> guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about
what
> a big mistake it was.
>
> 23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's
> Gymnastics. Ever.
>
> 24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father,
> priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and
> should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
> whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
>
> 25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without
> recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
> 'BULLSHIT!'.
> Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration
rate
> rises to 400 percent.
>
> 26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who's
> running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
minutes
> for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
>
> 27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your
buddy is
> trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away
> with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is
> forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
>
> 28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his
permission
> and he in return is required to grant it.
>
> 29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is
beer.
>
> 30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
>
> 31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney
friend
> up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be
able to
> warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining
the
> priesthood.
>
> 32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight,
you
> must jump into the fight.
> Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to
> think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.", then you may sit
back
> and enjoy.
>
> 33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you
may not
> join him...too gay.
>
> 34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
>
> 35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in
a
> manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
>
> 36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must
> attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you
in
> the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are absolved of your of
> responsibility.
>
> 37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.
>
> Argument with these rules instantly revokes your identity as a man.
You're
> no longer a man and you're out of the man club.
>

Link Posted: 12/7/2005 11:34:52 AM EDT
Funny. Deserved bump.
Link Posted: 12/7/2005 11:38:06 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Mattl:
Funny. Deserved bump.



Bump it to where? It was already at the top!
Link Posted: 12/7/2005 2:42:53 PM EDT
I only disagree with #30. On the whole, that's funny as hell!
Link Posted: 12/7/2005 4:07:19 PM EDT
*snicker*
Link Posted: 12/7/2005 4:40:35 PM EDT
i qualify for 14



w00t!!

<­img src=/images/smilies/smiley_evilGrin.gif border=0 align=middle>
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 5:27:34 AM EDT

Originally Posted By diabolical_chicken:
i qualify for 14



w00t!!

<­img src=/images/smilies/smiley_evilGrin.gif border=0 align=middle>



Me too! Well...to a degree. I like football and baseball...hubby's a Hockey fan...bleh
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 5:35:55 AM EDT
That about sums it up. See ladies, men are simple.
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 5:47:14 AM EDT
Here, something you can READ



1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:

- When a heroic dog dies to save its master. - The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. - After wrecking your boss' car. - One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". - When she is using her teeth.

2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.

7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.

11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:

- Yeah, Baby, Push it! - C'mon, give me one more! Harder! - Another set and we can hit the showers!

20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULLSHIT!'. Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.

26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy.

33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.

Argument with these rules instantly revokes your identity as a man. You're no longer a man and you're out of the man club.

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 5:49:58 AM EDT

Originally Posted By fight4yourrights:
Here, something you can READ



I was gonna say "Tagged in the hope that someone will be anal enough to reformat it."

Thanks.



Link Posted: 12/8/2005 5:56:01 AM EDT

Originally Posted By fight4yourrights:
Here, something you can READ

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm



<<sigh>> only a MAN would advocate using something with a name like that!
Thanks for cleaning it up, fight.
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 6:02:44 AM EDT



Sean
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 6:09:33 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/8/2005 6:13:55 AM EDT by npd233]

Originally Posted By fight4yourrights:
Here, something you can READ

<snip>

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm



Here, something you can CLICK

This link was made hot by your friendly neighborhood board member.
www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm



edit... I forgot to mention - Of course, they're all true, but #21 and #32 are my favorites.
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 6:21:50 AM EDT
good read
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 6:25:14 AM EDT

Originally Posted By npd233:

Originally Posted By fight4yourrights:
Here, something you can READ

<snip>

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm



Here, something you can CLICK

This link was made hot by your friendly neighborhood board member.
www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm



edit... I forgot to mention - Of course, they're all true, but #21 and #32 are my favorites.



Is there a rule about internet one-upmanship??? <goes back to read and >
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 6:42:52 AM EDT
TOTALLY TRUE!

At first I laughed then I started nodding my head and thinking, "Yup - damn straight".

#7 and #32 are my favorites.
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 7:31:40 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 8:33:02 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/8/2005 8:33:53 AM EDT by TexRdnec]

4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.



this one should have a disclaimer as to whether or not the guy is an asshole........

other than that, pretty good list
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 8:42:09 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/8/2005 8:43:24 AM EDT by cdhicks99]
My chapter of the MCMT (Man club of middle TN) has a few adendums.
A1. Unless you are physically or otherwise impared, A man should never be caught riding in the passenger seat with a female driving.
A2. Unless your 3-day kit is empty, A man should never ask for directions no matter how many times you fill up at the same station.
A3. While building or repairing anything, A man can never ask a female for help.
A4. A man may never mention his medical issues to another man unless it is a really cool scar, broken bone, gunshot/stab wound, ect.. Hemroids, gonorrhea, craps, "tummy aches", ect. are stictly forbidden.
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 8:52:27 AM EDT
Good stuff!

I agree with all points
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 9:43:24 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 9:55:22 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TexRdnec:

4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.



this one should have a disclaimer as to whether or not the guy is an asshole........

other than that, pretty good list



+1 on this. The bigger the asshole the higher the "Hit It" factor. Even if she is a butter face with summer teeth.
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 10:36:34 AM EDT

Originally Posted By SP1Grrl:

Originally Posted By cdhicks99:
My chapter of the MCMT (Man club of middle TN) has a few adendums.
A1. Unless you are physically or otherwise impared, A man should never be caught riding in the passenger seat with a female driving.
A2. Unless your 3-day kit is empty, A man should never ask for directions no matter how many times you fill up at the same station.
A3. While building or repairing anything, A man can never ask a female for help.
A4. A man may never mention his medical issues to another man unless it is a really cool scar, broken bone, gunshot/stab wound, ect.. Hemroids, gonorrhea, craps, "tummy aches", ect. are stictly forbidden.





The Mr. hates it when we go somewhere and I drive. Can't STAND riding in the passenger seat. I hate to break it to him, but when he drives, I fear for my life. There's a reason I call the passenger seat in his truck the 'death seat'.



HUGE +1 on that...Mr. Playmore is a scary scary man when he's driving...I still let him though: he's scarier when I say, "I'll drive..." and he snatches the keys outta my deathgrip with a look that could melt steel.

The only time I DON'T get that look when I offer to drive is if he's drinking.
Then I get a completely DIFFERENT look.......
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 10:48:19 AM EDT


7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.



One day I will tell ya'll a story that involves a road trip, a passenger with a full bladder, and a driver who wouldn't stop for 45 minutes- while driving 120 MPH.
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 3:11:25 PM EDT
I like 22.
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 4:41:40 PM EDT
Damn, I've violated a whole mess of those.
Link Posted: 12/8/2005 7:42:37 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/9/2005 1:11:54 AM EDT
that is funny.


Unless you are physically or otherwise impared, A man should never be caught riding in the passenger seat with a female driving.



I'm glad MrGH doesn't feel this way, because yes I prefer to drive as I too fear for my life when he does.
Link Posted: 12/10/2005 11:37:26 AM EDT

Originally Posted By swingset:
Damn, I've violated a whole mess of those.



Which ones

I've violated #4 a couple times and one of them ended up with #22 comming into play
Link Posted: 12/11/2005 6:13:38 PM EDT

Originally Posted By PlaymoreMinds:


> 12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.





Link Posted: 12/11/2005 6:51:02 PM EDT

4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.




Oooops! My bad.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 3:54:43 PM EDT

Originally Posted By TexRdnec:
4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.



Sorry dude, tell her i said

Link Posted: 12/17/2005 3:06:42 PM EDT

Originally Posted By swingset:
Damn, I've violated a whole mess of those.


That'll happen more and more if you keep hangin' out in here.
Link Posted: 12/18/2005 9:09:49 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TexRdnec:

4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.


this one should have a disclaimer as to whether or not the guy is an asshole........

other than that, pretty good list


+1. Before I met my wife, I messed around with her ex-fiancee's sister.
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 10:06:35 AM EDT

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:

Originally Posted By Glockgirl26:
I only disagree with #30. On the whole, that's funny as hell!



You're not allowed to disagree--sorry!



I've known of a few men who liked cats who were plenty "manly" and didn't have anything to worry about concerning their masculinity. Seems to me that a man who is afraid to admit he might like cats because his male-ness might be "threatened" has bigger issues to worry about.
Link Posted: 12/30/2005 1:00:18 PM EDT

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:

Originally Posted By Glockgirl26:
I only disagree with #30. On the whole, that's funny as hell!



You're not allowed to disagree--sorry!



Ummm the penalty is to pull her man card!!!! O she is really cool, but she doesn't have one of those.

SoS
Link Posted: 12/31/2005 9:55:47 AM EDT


Unless you are physically or otherwise impared, A man should never be caught riding in the passenger seat with a female driving.



I fullheartedtly agree with this, at least in my case. Someone who can't make decisions quickly, likes to accelerate from 0-30 as fast as the car will get there, and rides bumpers should not be driving, at least when I'm in the car (my wife).

On that note, the only time I let her drive is when I am drunk, other than that, no. She says that she is scared for her life when I drive, but I must say I feel that fear is unfounded. I don't speed,I don't ride bumpers, and I don't punch it every time a green light appears. I guess she gets scared because she is not in control, more than I actualy drive poorly.
Top Top