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Posted: 2/17/2002 10:07:26 AM EDT
ok guys, first off my girlfriend would probably kill me if she knew I was asking you guys for relationship advice. But I need some help. The problem is that in my estamation she spends way to much time with her ex. They talk on email and on the phone like everyday. and I know I shouldn't be jealous but this guy was a jerk to her when they were together and I don't get why she needs to still be friends with him. She loves me (we've even talked about marriage) but this is just driving me nuts and I don't want to be that guy that says I want her to stop hanging out with him. And I know I should be having this conversation with her but I feel like we already have and I don't want to bring it up again until I know exactly what to say. -CK
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 10:17:15 AM EDT
I would have a hard time with that also. Tell her, if she doesn't like it....
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 10:23:33 AM EDT
One thing is for sure. You can't tell her not to talk to the bozo. It'll just make her do it more. Only other choice is to make her not want to talk to him anymore. Find out more about him. Have a bud or somebody you know that knows him too see what he is up too. Anything hokie going on let her know about it in a round about way. Also, maybe she's attracted to that "I like guys who treat me like crap" that some of them do. Are you too nice [b]ALL[/b] of the time. Kinda wishy/washy type. Just some thoughts to kick around. Good luck.
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 10:26:54 AM EDT
If she liked being treated like shit before, odds are you can treat her like shit again. Just not as much as the last guy so that makes you the "good" one!! [beer]
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 10:33:09 AM EDT
There seem to be two types of people in this world.. those that stay in touch with their ex's and those that don't. I am of the latter group... when I'm done with a relationship, I'm pretty much done. Plus, it makes things easier for future relationships.. the ex is never an issue. My ex was one who did stay in touch with his ex's. He said that they had been friends and that they still cared about each other, etc, blah blah. You really can't tell her to stop talking to her ex... it will only cause resentment. What you can do is express how her spending so much time with him makes you feel. If she truly values your relationship, then the appropriate thing for her to do would be to stop talking to him out of respect for your feelings. If she doesn't do this, bail. Sorry... but that's my opinion. BTW, we broke up because I caught him lying about going out with his ex-girlfriend... said they weren't doing anything but that he didn't want to tell me because he thought I would get mad. I'd even told him before that the PERCEPTION of wrong-doing can be as damaging to a relationship as doing wrong. Ironically, I'd never gotten mad at him for telling me the truth... but finding out later? Oh... heck yeah! Hell hath no fury, baby.... [}:D] And there can be no love if there is no trust.
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 10:41:50 AM EDT
You don't say how long you two have been together. Has this been going on all along? You need to talk to her about it, let her know how you think about it. How would she feel if the shoe was on the other foot? STOP talking about marriage!!!!!
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 10:49:11 AM EDT
Thanks so far everyone, liberty 6 months dating, 4 serious I know nothing is going on physically. But part of me just wants to say if you guys have enough in common to talk for 15 minutes each day why don't you get back together. -CK
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 10:57:54 AM EDT
Originally Posted By cck: I know nothing is going on physically. -CK
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I said THE EXACT SAME THING.... in the end, if it's a source of stress in the relationship and she values the relationship with the ex too much to give him up then you need to walk. YOU should be number one. And there should be NO DOUBT.
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 11:03:47 AM EDT
Miss Magnum, we are of the same mold I believe. I was engaged for over a year, had dated for 2 years prior, when I called it off. Never spoke with her again, no reason to. A friend of mine called me up a couple years later and told me he had just talked to her and she had told him that she was suprised that I never called her back. Evil bitch I don't miss her one bit!! I am happily married now with a family and no regrets! [beer]
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 11:04:00 AM EDT
Originally Posted By cck: Thanks so far everyone, liberty 6 months dating, 4 serious I know nothing is going on physically. But part of me just wants to say if you guys have enough in common to talk for 15 minutes each day why don't you get back together. -CK
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IMHO 6 months is too fast for marriage. How long was she split from previous boy friend? Did you catch her on the "bounce?" Were you on a "bounce"? Are you living together now? In my experience, (vast, don't ask), it takes about a year ALONE to get rid of old baggage, and look at MY part as to why a relationship failed. It takes AT LEAST that long to develop another serious relationship. Let me qualify this by saying I can only speak for myself, and certainly pass no judgement on how others do what works for them. Regardless, the degree of success, is directly related to the degree of communication, (and candor!), of both parties. Good Luck my friend.....
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 11:06:15 AM EDT
Relationships are based on mutal respect and I'd that that's not too respectful towards you. She should know better without being told so. And now you're talking about marriage and falling in deeper. Why try to ride a lame horse. PUT ON YOUR RUNNING SHOES and get the heck out of Dodge! A wise man once said, "women are like street cars. You miss one, the next one will be along shortly..."
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 11:06:39 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Miss_Magnum:
Originally Posted By cck: I know nothing is going on physically. -CK
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I said THE EXACT SAME THING.... in the end, if it's a source of stress in the relationship and she values the relationship with the ex too much to give him up then you need to walk. YOU should be number one. And there should be NO DOUBT.
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Read Miss Magnum THREE times (click yer heels together each time! ;>)
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 11:13:03 AM EDT
Liberty, they haven't been together for 4 or 5 months before we started dating. ok so I think the concensus here is that she needs to stop talking to him so much, so how do I phrase what I want without seeming like an ass? Or better put Ms mag how would you like to hear my request that woild make you do it without resenting me? Thanks everybody I just feel better writing it down right now. -CK
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 11:16:41 AM EDT
How about, "quit talking to him or pack your shit and get out!" Just think then you can be the ExBoyfriend she wants to talk to later when she gets a new boyfriend [;)] [beer]
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 11:22:08 AM EDT
It can't be a request that she stop talking to him. This is the kicker.... it has to be you telling her how it makes you feel that she has this close of a relationship with him. And then your part is over. You wait. Either she will tone down or end things with him or she won't. Personally, I would be more along the lines of, "It causes me some concern that you are still so close with your ex. It makes me feel like he is filling some need of yours that, perhaps, I should be fulfilling and that makes me insecure in our relationship." If she asks you what you want her to do, tell her it is ultimately her decision on how she wants to handle it but that you wanted to let her know how it affects you and your relationship. Good luck.... I'm beginning to think I am a clusterfuck in choosing relationships but I can say I've learned from them... ALL the hard way... ::wry grin::
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 11:22:12 AM EDT
highland, I like how you think but "without sounding like an ass" is still the question. -CK
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 11:33:07 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Miss_Magnum: It can't be a request that she stop talking to him. This is the kicker.... it has to be you telling her how it makes you feel that she has this close of a relationship with him. And then your part is over. You wait. Either she will tone down or end things with him or she won't. Personally, I would be more along the lines of, "It causes me some concern that you are still so close with your ex. It makes me feel like he is filling some need of yours that, perhaps, I should be fulfilling and that makes me insecure in our relationship." If she asks you what you want her to do, tell her it is ultimately her decision on how she wants to handle it but that you wanted to let her know how it affects you and your relationship. Good luck.... I'm beginning to think I am a clusterfuck in choosing relationships but I can say I've learned from them... ALL the hard way... ::wry grin::
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DITTO I would only add, if she does nothing, and or continues the behavior, then the time for "talk" has passed....
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 11:33:07 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 11:38:37 AM EDT
Hey now! If the first guy treated her like shit, and you are not doing so maybe that is what she needs him for. She should get what she needs, give her a little shit!! [beer]
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 11:53:54 AM EDT
Mrs Magnum thanks a lot. Liberty, you too. Highland, Waldo, your right too I sound like a freakin eunuch. So I think I'll take Mrs Magnum's advice tonight and see what happens. I'm just afraid to be Chasing Amy the rest of my life. -CK
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 1:46:08 PM EDT
Why don't you have a meeting with her ex, and get to know him better? He might be a swell guy. Then you can discuss the problems he is causing in your relationship with your new girl. I am sure the shotgun you were holding would not have any effect on his decision to back off... (Before any of you get your panties in a bunch, this is not serious).
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 1:52:36 PM EDT
Wasn't this an episode on News Radio? Sorry, no good advice here
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 2:12:58 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/17/2002 2:15:31 PM EDT by prk]
Originally Posted By cck: I'm just afraid to be Chasing Amy the rest of my life. -CK
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If you're talking about the movie, that guy was the biggest pussy I've seen in a long time. And the woman was no catch, either. When I was younger, I was too easy for my GF to make me jealous. That stopped when I saw that I had to set the theme for our relationship. Have you thought about having one of your ex's calling, or coming over for a 15-min visit? This does not have to be arranged your current GF. That should do for starting a dialogue with your GF. Just my opinion, you are being too nice to her on this. Sometimes they do stuff like this to see if you care enough to get pissed. Don't marry her or even plan to, until you have good reason to think it will last. Do you want more of this with no end in sight? Better grab all your issues with her, by the horns, so to speak. Time for you to take a vacation on your own, someplace where there are plenty of women to meet. Are you still meeting women? You should be open to new friendships, as long as she's not 'exclusive' to you.
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 2:36:12 PM EDT
I'll tell you what worked for me in a similar situation: Give her an ultimatum. It's a clear choice here. You won't be hanging around her if she keeps hanging around this guy. There's a reason he's her [b]EX-[/b]boyfriend, right? As I told a woman once, "I will share many things, but not a girlfriend. It's your call." I've been married to her for seven years now. It may seem like a harsh way to go about it, but you have to step up and draw it in stark terms like that to let her know how serious you are about this. If you [b]are[/b] serious about it, that is.
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 2:58:16 PM EDT
ex boyfriend. if she doesn't want him then why does she even talk to him. I do not ever remember a case of the ex just being a friend unless they had kids and that is rare. most often the case is either 1 of two things: #1 he dumped her and she can't get over it and still wishes she was back with him and you are paying the way till that day. or #2 she dumped him and feels either guilty she did it or is still stringing him along because she does not know if it was the right decision yet and who knows she may decide he was the right guy and dump you. love hurts buddy and you are confused and mad and most likely will let her string you along. don't marry someone like that unless you are sure they have cut all those ties because it will come back to haunt you. I would not say anything to her other than that you don't see that it's right and let it go at that and watch. give it time but be prepared to get dumped and it will not hurt as much and if it's you she wants another 6 month's or so may tell the diffence but man it also might take years. good luck
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 3:10:00 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 3:25:36 PM EDT
Fight fire with fire. Dial up some of your old ex girls, just to see how it is going.
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 4:06:28 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Miss_Magnum: It can't be a request that she stop talking to him. This is the kicker.... it has to be you telling her how it makes you feel that she has this close of a relationship with him. And then your part is over. You wait. Either she will tone down or end things with him or she won't. Personally, I would be more along the lines of, "It causes me some concern that you are still so close with your ex. It makes me feel like he is filling some need of yours that, perhaps, I should be fulfilling and that makes me insecure in our relationship." If she asks you what you want her to do, tell her it is ultimately her decision on how she wants to handle it but that you wanted to let her know how it affects you and your relationship.
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Good golly, MissM. Do you live in North Texas? [;)] [:I] [<]:)]
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 4:23:50 PM EDT
An ex-boyfriend is just a penis in a glass case (break in case of emergency). If she isn't screwing him now she will be, you said yourself he is a jerk, so he doesnt havent anything else to offer. Same for guys who spend to much time with ex-girlfriends. My advice to you is ditch her. DO NOT tell her not to see so much of him, you shouldn't have to. DO NOT try to manipulate her by digging up old ex'es of your own. Just ditch her and find a chick worth your time. General rule of thumb is if you feel something isnt right then it isnt, you posted this thread so obviously your screwed over already. Cut your losses and find a girl who isnt stuck on her ex.
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 4:53:07 PM EDT
I'm on good terms with my ex-wife. Heck we get along better than when we were married. The difference is we've been diviorced for nearly ten years, so the water is now under the bridge, and have three kids, so avoidance wouldn't work. We also don't call each other an yak about stuff either. Fact is I BS with her husband more than her, as we have similar "guy" interests. I don't look up other ex's on purpose either. I don't hate a one of them, and we get along fine, but I don't hang out with any of them either. When it's done, it's done. There's no reason to waste time. There's no reason to go back to a well that the water went bad in. My guess is there's other problems that you may have not noticed in your relationship. She's got him on a hook as a safety net, or she's missing something that he's giving her. Either way there's something wrong on your end (your relationship, not you). The only way to straighten it out is to talk to her. Communication is the key. It's harder to communicate with someone you love, as you both get emotional and sometimes worry too much about what you might or might not say. Tell her how you feel, and why. As Miss Magnum said, no ultimatum. Let her make the right decision. If she doesn't then it's time to bug out. Whatever you do, don't drag it on and on. It will only make it wosre. Your realtionship will either work or it won't, time will not help in this. Ross
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 5:12:39 PM EDT
cck, With the best will in the world, no one can advise you what to do about personal relationships other than in just general terms. The fact that you posted indicates that you feel there is something not normal about her ties to her ex. And you are right. Deep down you already know the answer to this but, understandably, don't want to admit it to yourself because you 'love' her. Face it: If you thought she was the girl for you (you've been talking marriage-right?), would you be spending all the time talking to an ex of yours? If she really thought you were the guy for her, why is she spending her time talking to this jerk? Dependent on how infatuated you are with her, you will manufacture excuses for her inexcusable behaviour. Ultimately, cck, you can't compel or coerce anyone into loving you – they either do or do not. It appears that no one is forcing her to keep in touch with her ex – she just wants to. If she doesn't realize how this effects you, how strong can her feelings be toward you, how much is she thinking about YOU the guy (you want to believe) she wants to marry? Do you really think that you would have to explain this or offer an ultimatum to a girl who was in love with you? I sure as hell don't! Frankly, I wouldn't even bother telling her anything, I'd start looking elsewhere. She is obviously not looking at you. Good luck!
Link Posted: 2/17/2002 8:55:43 PM EDT
cck, If you're serious about her, it's much better to find out now than later. Doubt is nothing you want to carry into a marriage. coyote3
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