Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
Member Login
Posted: 2/4/2002 5:13:22 PM EDT
I've noticed alot of posts concerning marital problems. It just so happens, that is what I deal with in my job field. It would take a 50,000 word post to cover everything,but I've seen alot of you "brothers-in-arms" going through pure hell on here. So maybe this can help. First, there are 3 basic types of divorce/separation scenarios you are experiencing. Reconcilible, irreconcible and Not sure...don't laugh about the 3rd one. Most men and women and NOT SURE that this is whats best for them. When you lose your house,car and custody of your children, it's time to assess what is important to you and the rest of your life. Most men/women usually start over with a "new" life/mate after divorce...only to realize,"according to the national average", they pick basically the same partner "type" and thus repeating the same problematic life. Over 70% of 2nd marriages end in divorce. It's a hamster wheel waiting to happen. Most state magistrates and judges order some form of counseling to help couples BEFORE they commit to divorce. But, then again..state laws vary and some states allow divorce like getting driver's license. IMO, it's too easy to get a divorce now. WHy? Because if you loved her enough to marry her..should love her enough to try and save the marriage. I'm primarily concerned about the children. If you knew what the long term effcts of divorce would be..you'd try and save your marriage. This is'nt a guilt trip, just remember there are others involved. I bet over half the posters on here are from broken homes. Ask them if they would have liked to have nuclear family?? And most "counselors" are in the business to make money and not acheieve a goal. What? yepper, if you are scheduled for weeks and months of marital counseling without tangible results, you're probably wasting your time. How can I save my marriage? next post
Link Posted: 2/4/2002 5:33:55 PM EDT
I came from the teaching of finding out the problem and don't repeat it, basically. Well, it sounded good in class, but in the real world. It's very confusing. Mainly because we're dealing with a million different personality types with wants/needs list that are totally different. Not to mention infidelity,substance abuse,spousal abuse, conflict in heritage,hereditary traits that demean the mate etc...the list is endless. This is what I've found in my own personal experience. My wife divorced me 3 years ago, we have one child and she took everything I've worked for in the last 15 years. Instead of getting the "Jack-the-ripper" lawyer and fight her tooth and nail. I decided to try out some of my own advice. I did have a support group of family to help the "down" times and like so many people I have counseled before...I can understand how depression can come in and wipe you out. Leaving you bitter, angry and vengeful. NO! I'm not going down that road..it has destroyed too many people. There has to be a better way. There was. Lawyers..where do I start. You need to outsmart her lawyer and do NOT let your lawyer have the last word. Many times...too many times, they are not looking out for your "interest". If they were, they would be trying to help you stay together instead of enabling you to divorce. No real money in reconciliations. Bottom line, don't trust your future with a lawyer. They don't give a flying schitt if you live,die or get re-married...it's just about the money. Remember her lawyer is about getting as much of YOUR money or property, so that HIS money will come through. His $1,500+ initial fee from her, is the beginning of the ending your life. Sad but true. more-----
Link Posted: 2/4/2002 6:02:16 PM EDT
Now back to me..when her attorney began his assault I DID NOT TAKE IT OUT ON HER! This is important. She can barely name the kitchen appliances much less figure out how to get them in a divorce. Everytime I saw her...everytime I talked to her on the phone. I was totally calm and collected. When it came time to negotiate child support, I would circumvent her lawyer and ask HER what she thought was fair. I told her, that her lawyer was not her friend nor was he family. I let her know that I wanted to do everything I could to help with my 4 year old daughter. This she knows to be undeniable truth. Change....guys, you must change. This is not debatable. How to change? What to change? You know what...thats why she left, remember? How to change? Time. It takes a conscious effort to change your lifestyle and time for it to become a way of life. Pursue her. Don't stalk her! Pursue her like you would a new AR lower or upper. Think about her and what she likes. Then do everything you can to give it to her. This is not bribery or manipulation, this is genuine heartfelt change. The top 3 reasons for marital problems: 1. finances 2.infidelity/pornography 3.loss of love for mate Why is Porn included? The most recent findings of the mental heatlh institute reveal that most women feel a man is cheating on them if they engage in viewing porn. The new numbers are staggering at the majority of divorce causes are attributed to porn. I know..I know. But it's the truth. Anything in excess will kill you. That includes booty view. Mental health specialist say porn gives men a distorted view of their wives and this leads to false expectations and comparisons between wives and pornography. You can say this is bullschitt all you want. It is documented. How can your wife compare to "naked teens live?" If your not having regular/normal sex with your wife...it begins to take it's toll on her. She does'nt "feel" beautiful or accepted AND it comes up in court. "he does'nt make love to me..so he must be having an affair" Change..change...change. Pursue your ex-wife like a teenager. DO NOT stalk her. When she ask you to stop...then stop. But, keep your cool, calm, changed demeanor. Whatever "crack" or chance you get...treat her with respect and kindness. Most men treat their ex-es like the plague. Castigating, cursing them and slicing them in front the children NO,no,no. No. Change,,change...change. More--
Link Posted: 2/4/2002 6:14:14 PM EDT
What sort of person would get marriage advice on AR15.com? Was it a shotgun wedding?
Link Posted: 2/4/2002 6:17:47 PM EDT
My wife and I re-married last August after 2 1/2 years of divorce. I stayed faithful to her even when we were divorced. Why did we get divorced? Same reasons that a million others do. We now have the greatest sex ever. We do things together that we did not before. I take her to lunch at least twice a week. I still send a card to her at work. I tell her I love her everyday. And I have NO fear of repeating the past problems. None. It's like a brand new life for me...thats why I'm the NAKED-GUNMAN. I started a new hobby "guns" and she does'nt care if I buy 20 guns and 100,000 rounds of ammo. She married a new man and she loves him. Now, prevention is the greatest deterrent for ANY hint of dissention. We are friends and confidants. I do not tell her "everything", and she does'nt want to know. Whats important to her is...if I love her. And do I show it. Yes, on both counts. We still have problems, it's a marriage, but we'll work them out. And if I can help encourage someone else to help saves theirs...I tell you the truth, it's worth it! Marriage is probably one of the greatest things that can happen to you. But, there is a cost. In the end, it is worth it. The hardest things in life are usually the most rewarding. Now my daughter comes into our bedroom and grins like cat eatin' briars! It is a true blessing for children to have BOTH parents in the home. It will show in their lives also.. Change...change...change. So..don't give up. If it is possible to do, then give it a try. Hope I've blathered enough good points for you. [b][blue]NAKED[/blue][/b]
Link Posted: 2/4/2002 6:19:17 PM EDT
Originally Posted By grimshaw: What sort of person would get marriage advice on AR15.com? Was it a shotgun wedding?
View Quote
SShhh!! I'm, trying to listen..
Link Posted: 2/4/2002 9:10:12 PM EDT
Separated 4/99. Divorce final 5/00. Getting remarried this summer. Listen to naked-Gunman. Get two books and read them. "Make up, Don't break up", and "10 Stupid things couple do to break up their marriage".
Link Posted: 2/4/2002 9:30:42 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/4/2002 9:56:02 PM EDT
Naked-Gunman, your words ease my own apprehensions about my marriage. I have only been in the pot for 1.5 years and we were together for three before that, but I see things that make me wonder if this will work. I think that in this stage, which is far beyond daily life living like running the dishwasher, my wife and I really start to solidify ourselves as a person. It is a sort of setting into one's ways. She and I just make sure that the setting occurs together, intermeshed like cement. (sorry there is no other comparison I could make here) I support her in what makes her happy, for the most joy in life for me is seeing my wife smile that one smile that is reserved for me. I turn, she does the same, i.e., "honey if you really want that Dragunov, save your money and buy it." She likes to paint, (the house, canvas, etc...) and in what she does I see her and love her for it. I came from a two parent family, she did not. But I know she feels that this takes work on both our ends to make a happy life together. We have both promised to fight to the end and I mean that in a good way. Again thank you NG for you should be expanding your teachings and advice to everyone.
Link Posted: 2/4/2002 10:18:52 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/5/2002 10:51:13 AM EDT
Shadowblade, You're right. Sometimes you try everything and it just does'nt work out. But, for those who think a marriage can be salvaged. It is possible. I'm just tired of the marital psyco-babble from the "learned" academia and psychologist. They give most couples a "pennicilin" shot for everything that ails them...in hopes that it helps your marriage. I found that if you simplify the process it is more easily recieved and implemented. It does more damage to assign blame and guilt than to actually do something positive. This is why for me personally...just be real. Approach it real. And when dealing with your problems...be real.No lies, no blaming others just accept what/who you are and be real. If you love your wife/husband then you should try and work it out. This is not to force guilt on anyone who does'nt try. Just the opposite, everyone should have at least a shot at reconciliation.It worked for me and I am totally convinced that it can work for others. Don't give up...marriage is an awesome lifestyle. If you're single and "loving" it..great. But, if you enjoy that institution called marriage. It's worth doing as much as you possibly can to make it work and make it enjoyable. There is so much crap out there that detracts and destroys marriage. I see it all the time, and I'm tired of people's lives being wiped out. The truth is...it can work. It can also be the best thing that ever happed to you. Change..change..change. I would recommend that you should read some books on the subject. Dorsai named a few. Excellant choices. It helps to educate yourselves on "what women want"..but the bottom line is they need you. It's always about you. Hell, I know her boobs will sag and her ass will get big. This should never be the measuring stick for your love. How well do 36dd boobs and a 20 yr old's ass cook dinner? There is ALWAYS something great you can focus on your wife. Always. Just find it and cover her with praise for it. If a woman loves you and knows that she is loved. She will do anything to please you. Don't see it? Keep trying, you will. Date her...praise her, praise her in front of her friends and parents. "My wife is the greatest...", "Christin looks sooo good today does'nt she?","Honey, I screwed up again..I'm sorry, I love you and I want to make this thing work..." I know this does'nt remotely address everyone's personal hell...but,if you identify the changes you need to make...be real, and pursue her with love. It works. Remember...change, you have to change or it won't work. And you do not have to "give" up things you thought you would if you'll just address the root problems. Make the changes and it will change her. It works. I know I've probably bent the board with my babbling...I'm sorry. But, there is nothing better than a great marriage. Hope it helps, [b][blue]NAKED[/blue][/b]
Link Posted: 2/5/2002 11:02:29 AM EDT
Thanks N.G. for the reality check... I read all of your advice, and will certainly try to work things out with my wife... Obviously we married for a reason... No sense destroying it without first attempting to salvage it... Wife & I are back under the same roof, and considering proffessional counseling if things don't fall back into place... My apologies to those who posted/remarked on my previous thread, I was forced to delete the thread, for fear she might be hurt by it's contents...She has a habit of walking into the room at the worst possible moment, and I didn't need her to see my venting here... Thanks to all for your thoughts and advice.. Believe me, it helps...
Link Posted: 2/5/2002 11:03:45 AM EDT
Originally Posted By NAKED-GUNMAN: I've noticed alot of posts concerning marital problems.
View Quote
I've made a couple of remarks saying that once you get your C&R you may want a counselor. Not me though, been divorced (In Calistan) Ugh!!! Whatever you do... [b]WORK IT OUT[/b], especially if your in the land of the Caliban and if you have children. Here the Caliban regime is backwards, when it comes to Men, we have [b][u]NO[/b][/u] rights. She will get you. Fortunatly, I have a good relationship with my ex.
Link Posted: 2/5/2002 11:14:47 AM EDT
The best cure for marital problems is to just not get married.[;D] But I do know what it feels like to loose everything you have worked for[B)], but hey it is never the end of the world. It just makes you appreciate what you have more. [b]DON'T DATE ACCUMULATE[/B] That is my new MOTO
Link Posted: 2/6/2002 2:02:04 AM EDT
hey naked-gunman thanks for the advice well thought out and very wise advise. hey drag racer glad to see that you and your wife are going to work things out. Personally dont wait to get counseling, find a good counselor that will help you and your wife work out the marriage issues. I had noticed that you thread was gone. I hope in your thread I did not say anything out of bounds. If i did sorry! good luck.
Link Posted: 2/6/2002 2:36:48 AM EDT
I can't believe I came in today and found this topic. Mine's on the rocks, and I don't know if it's salvageable or not. I've got an 8 year old daughter that I love dearly, and losing her would kill me. As for the Mrs., - well....... I don't know. I'm really struggling this morning. ::real tears:: [>(]
Link Posted: 2/6/2002 3:27:22 AM EDT
Thanks for the great post naked one. Everything you write is true in my experience.
Link Posted: 2/6/2002 6:25:50 AM EDT
Originally Posted By grimshaw: What sort of person would get marriage advice on AR15.com? Was it a shotgun wedding?
View Quote
"...But, I tell you, I LOVED that shotgun...I had to marry her!."
Top Top