The Dangers of Bread...

More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.


Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread consuming households score below average on all standardized tests.


In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.


More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.


Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!


Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.


Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.


Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.


Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread pudding person.


Newborn babies can easily choke on bread.


Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.


Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

a.) No sale of breads to minors.
b.) A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
c.) A 300% federal tax on all breads to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
d.) No animal or human images, nor any primal colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
e.) The establishment of "Bread free" zones around schools.

You forgot to say:

Sue the bread companies (Big Bread) for peddling a dangerous and deadly product.

In Canada the following labels will be required:
Gruesome pictures of fully digested bread, and pictures of wheat plants being murdered for bread production.

Start a "Truth" advertising campaign, which brainwashes kids to believe that they aren't responsible for their bread-eating habits, and that top bread executives are killing for fun.

Plants-rights groups should begin an advertising blitz to make various grain plants look cute, and begin indoctrinating people that plants have rights.

Mandate Child-saftey locks for bread, to keep it out of the wrong hands.

The Consumer Product Safety Comission should issue a recall on all bread makes, citing unresolvable flaws in the product.

Big Bread should pay reparations to all who have ever used their product.

An import ban should be put in effect on bread and bread products, ensuring that dangerous bread stays off our streets.

A Dateline special 'Bread in the USA' should be aired to instill fear, and cause panic over peoples grocery shopping habits.

A notorious Ivy-league professor should write a book exposing the myth of bread making in colonial America.  The book should be far-fetched, run counter to conventional wisdom, contain made-up facts, and depend largely on Bread probate records that were destroyed 80 years ago in an earthquake.

Anti-bread crusaders should troll on various pro-bread-nut websites, spewing hatred and crusading for the cause.

"You can have my bread when you pry it from my cold dead fingers!"

(Or just wait a day, and I'll deliver the "used bread" to your offices..)

Meplat-

Give me sourdough or give me death!

You forgot the [b]most important thing[/b]!

We must do this for the children, for if we can save just one child it will be worth any inconvienience we may suffer.