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Posted: 12/20/2001 4:08:33 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/20/2001 4:20:30 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/20/2001 4:33:40 PM EDT
Originally Posted By The_Beer_Slayer: Those crazy Americans! Americans!! US Naval Communications This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
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LMAO Where did you get that?
Link Posted: 12/20/2001 4:38:05 PM EDT
It's a funny story that has been around for a long time, but that's all it is. Check out : [url]http://www.snopes2.com/military/lighthse.htm[/url]
Link Posted: 12/20/2001 4:43:28 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/20/2001 4:37:18 PM EDT by samuraiTy]
the department of energy also has a site dedicated to internet hoaxes n stuff http://hoaxbusters.ciac.org/
Link Posted: 12/20/2001 5:29:30 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/20/2001 11:19:30 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/20/2001 11:20:13 PM EDT by gardenWeasel]
OK OK ok So anyway... A baby seal walks into this club....[:P] no I mean..Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him. HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce. WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life. HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody has stolen our tent.
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 12:06:35 AM EDT
One day, a man in his 40's bought a brand new BMW and took off for a drive through the winding roads on the outskirts of town. All of a sudden, he noticed the flashing lights of a Police car behind him. "He can't catch ME," the man thought to himself as he pushed the accelerator to the floor, "this is a brand new BMW." But it wasn't long before reality set in and the man thought to himself "what the heck am I doing?" as he slowed down to pull over. He put the car in park and nervously waited for the officer to approach the vehicle. The officer slowly walked up to the mans car and said "Sir, it's Friday, it's the last day of the month and I have a ton of paperwork back at the station. If you can give me an excuse I haven't heard for why you were speeding, I'm going to let you go." "Well," the man said, "my wife ran off with a cop a few weeks ago and I was afraid you were trying to give her back." The officer could only smile and let the man go.
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 12:18:19 AM EDT
What's black, white, and hungry? George Harrison's cat.
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 12:38:39 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 12:46:51 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 4:08:11 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/21/2001 6:03:44 AM EDT by 7]
Here is a good one. A young man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, Sonny?". The dude replies "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000." "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" > "Sure" replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly,the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going 2 or 3 times as fast as he is! The guy wonders "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" Then, up ahead of him, he sees a another dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! It flew by him even faster than the first, and it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be." thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep?" But, before he could ponder any longer, he sees yet another dot approaching in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out, and it IS the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and says "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 5:40:43 AM EDT
Buy lots of wool blankets this winter. I hear there is going to be a shortage of afgans.
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 10:41:21 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 10:48:32 AM EDT
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No idea. Q: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes? A: Still, no idea. Q: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes and no pecker? A: Still, no f*cking idea. Sorry.
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 11:17:11 AM EDT
George Bush and Colin Powell are getting their hair cut in a barber shop. They are discussing the War in Afghanistan, and in walks Al Gore. Gore asks Bush and Powell what their next plan is for Afghanistan. Bush says they are planning to kill 10,000 Afghans and a bicycle repair man. Confused, Gore asks "Why the hell are you going to kill a bicycle repair man?" Bush Replies, "See........I told you noone cares about 10,000 Afghans!"
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 12:40:25 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 1:59:55 PM EDT
You guys!!! [:D] [:D] [:D] just made my day!!!
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 3:16:51 PM EDT
This is the WORST X-Mas joke... I need to nuke the bastard that sent this to me (but I love all of you so much that I have decided to share). [}:D] A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied:... "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 3:21:34 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 3:32:54 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/21/2001 7:29:33 PM EDT by Balming]
OK! How about this one? An Afghani (sp?) moves to America and becomes very sick, and visits about a dozen American doctors trying to get well. None of them could figure out what was wrong with him, so he found an Afghani doctor and went to see him. After the exam, the doctor gives him a bucket and tells him to shit and piss in it, then stick his head in it and breathe deeply for about ten minutes. He does it and amazingly feels better! He asked the doctor what was wrong with him, and he said "You were just homesick."
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 3:36:54 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/21/2001 3:40:24 PM EDT by TylerDurden]
Balming, I know that you posted a warning, but you need to DELETE this post. Tyler I don't think that's much better - we have women members here.
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 3:45:31 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/21/2001 7:32:27 PM EDT by Balming]
Tyler Durden
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 3:54:48 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 3:57:59 PM EDT
What were Davy Crocket's last words at the Alamo? . . . . . . . . . . . . . Where did all thse fucking landscapers come from?
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 5:55:58 PM EDT
A minister and a lawyer were chatting one day. The minister asked the lawyer what he does when he makes a mistake on a case. The lawyer says "I try to fix it if it is a big mistake and ignore it if it is a minor one. What do you do?" The minister says "Pretty much the same thing. The other day I meant to say satan is the father of liars, but I said satan is the father of lawyers, so I let it go."
Link Posted: 12/22/2001 12:27:27 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/22/2001 1:55:31 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Big_Bear: How many animals can you find in a woman's pair of panty hose?
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They make panty hose for men? R35
Link Posted: 12/22/2001 2:43:56 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/22/2001 2:58:05 PM EDT
What do you get when you cross a road runner with an alligator?.............
Link Posted: 12/22/2001 2:58:48 PM EDT
What do you call four blondes on rollerblades?...........
Link Posted: 12/22/2001 2:59:55 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/22/2001 2:52:05 PM EDT by BlackandGreen]
What is a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?..............
Link Posted: 12/22/2001 3:29:34 PM EDT
A blonde is driving down the road one day and looks out the window into a beanfield to see another blonde sitting in a rowboat, rowing away. The blonde in the car screechs to a halt and jumps out cussing at the blonde in the boat. "You dumb-ass. It's women like you that give all us blondes bad names, and if I could smim I would come out there and kick your ass."
Link Posted: 12/25/2001 12:48:50 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/25/2001 1:52:44 AM EDT
A husband and wife a shipwrecked on a desert island for about a year. They have built a house and a lookout tower to watch for passing ships, each spending half the day on the tower. One day a ship wrecks in a storm off in the distance and a man washes up on shore. Instantly the man and the wife are attracted to each other. The husband tells the man about the lookout tower and that he is happy because they can break up the time into eight hour shifts. The man eagerly volunteers for the first ship. The man climbs up the tower and begins looking for ships. The husband and wife start working on repairs on their hut. The man leans over the side and says, "Hey, stop f***ing down there!" The husband says, "What are you talking about? We are just fixing the house." "Sorry," the man says. A little later the man and wife were picking vegetables in their garden for dinner. The man once again leans over and says, "Hey, I thought I asked you guys to stop f***ing down there!" The husband calls up and says, "Are you crazy? We are just picking food for dinner." The man once again apologizes and begins to look for ships. After another couple hours the husband and wife are piling wood they gathered onto the fire. The man said, "Hey, come on, stop f***ing down there!" The husband, fed up, decides that it is almost time for his shift so he tells the man to come down as he could hardly look for ships if he can't even see what is below him. As soon as the husband gets to the top of the tower the man and the wife tear off each others clothes and begin going at it. The husband leans over the side of the tower and says, "Damn, from up here it really does look like they're f***ing." Merry Christmas
Link Posted: 12/25/2001 3:42:05 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/28/2001 2:03:59 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/28/2001 3:04:29 AM EDT
I don't have any good joke so here: Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P)= PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft. (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed. (P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level. (P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order. (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground. (P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That's what they are there for. (P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search. (P) Aircraft handles FUNNY. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious. (P) Target radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
Link Posted: 1/9/2002 2:06:02 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/22/2002 10:18:51 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/22/2002 11:19:27 AM EDT
Did anyone hear about the two priests & the missionary position................????? bidda bing, bidda bang
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