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Posted: 12/16/2001 12:12:17 PM EDT
Since Friday, my entire neighborhood has been overrun by vicious, bloodthirsty lawn gnomes. They seem to be properly afraid of my two cats, so they have not managed to breach my house yet, but silent, open doors yawn onto deserted backyards everywhere I look. I am really kicking myself for listening to my wife and not getting that Rottweiler pup last spring. Thus far most of the injuries I have witnessed are minor: bulb-spade scratches, nips with anvil pruners, etc. but its only a matter of time before they figure out the push-button riding mower my neighbor keeps in his shed. Lord help us if they start the chain-saw. To my horror, I witnessed the elderly lady behind me tumbled down her deck stairs in a vicious ambush yesterday, and I fear it is only a matter of time before these pint-sized hooligans finish us all off one by one. So far my family is safe, if under seige. I don't know about the neighbors though. It's been awful quiet. One of the first things they did was gnaw through the telephone and cable wires. If I didn't have a wireless internet connection I would be totally cut off from the outside world. These gnomes are crafty, and this attack was obviously years in the planning. I have been combing the internet for information on these deadly dwarves, but my confusion only grows as all I can find are their cherubic faces staring at me from the online catalogs of decor outlets. I need information on how to fight them, not bulk pricing to purchase them! I am at my wits end and contemplating making a play for the buried gun vault in the backyard. This is almost certainly a suicide mission, -I know the cats won't watch my back. This is my desperate plea for help...can anybody here give me advice?
Link Posted: 12/16/2001 12:15:25 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/16/2001 12:19:17 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/16/2001 12:21:20 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/16/2001 12:22:09 PM EDT
Whatever you do, [b]DON'T GET THEM WET![/B]
Link Posted: 12/16/2001 12:59:50 PM EDT
Maybe they're Underpants Gnomes - they'll probably stop bothering you if you give 'em your underwear.
Link Posted: 12/16/2001 2:12:25 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/16/2001 2:49:41 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Paul: Lay off the drugs and they vanish like magic...
View Quote
Laying off the drugs may be part of the problem.....
Link Posted: 12/16/2001 3:00:50 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/16/2001 3:04:09 PM EDT
This smacks of McUzi's witty prose...
Link Posted: 12/16/2001 5:42:44 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/16/2001 5:46:53 PM EDT by Yard_Dawg]
Had the same problem in my neighborhood a few years back. Seems the little bastards travel in groups. If you don't get 'em all, they regroup and join other bands of little bastards and become even stronger. It seems they just love bright shiny lights. You will notice that the houses with the most Christmas lights up have the worst infestations. The shiny lights also happen to be their biggest downfall though. Weapon mounted lasers seem to drive the little bastards into a frenzy which you can use to your advantage in ridding your own neighborhood in no time at all. Simply climb into a tree with you favorite laser equipped weapon (mine is a 20" Bushy) and a few hundred rounds of your favorite varmint ammo. Since the little bastards have short arms, they can not climb trees. Just make sure the tree you pick is quite large because they will try to push the tree over or build a pyramid to try and reach you. The next part is quite fun. Turn on the laser and wave it all around and in no time at all they will start to group around your tree as fast as their little legs will carry them. Then all you have to do is load up the clips and have yourself a ball. On a good night you can clear several neighborhoods. As far as cooking up and serving the little bastards, don't do it. Although I hear they are quite tasty, there is speculation that the meat is tainted and may lead to severe bouts of stupidity which renders you unable to function as a normal productive member of society. [puke] Happy Gnome hunting and remember, make sure to get 'em all.
Link Posted: 12/16/2001 6:11:36 PM EDT
I had a similar problem. I took care of it by conveniently letting the grass grow taller than the elves, then "accidently" taking them out with the lawnmower. My mulching mower grinds 'em up real good. If you remove the throttle governer it's grinds them up even better. Remember, sharpen the blade before and after and wear boots. They tend to spit teeth at you.
Link Posted: 12/17/2001 4:40:33 PM EDT
Oh my goodness! I had the [b]exact[/b] same problem a while ago! I suggest napalm and and anti-lawn-gnome mines. Also consiter sitting on your roof and picking off a few of the little bastards!
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