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Posted: 12/9/2001 3:00:00 PM EDT
[i]Disclaimer: I received this in an email from a friend (who shall remain nameless). The opinions expressed in the following text are NOT necessarily those of this poster. This is meant merely as an amusement, and is certainly NOT intended to invoke the wrath of the jolly old man. I already own several lumps of coal and do not wish to receive another one in my stocking this year![/i] That said, read on guys, and ... [red][size=4]SAY IT AIN’T SO![/red][/size=4] I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. [img]http://www.coon-n-crockett.org/santa.jpg[/img] Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: a. Men can't pack a bag. b. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. c. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. d. Men don't answer their mail. e. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly”. f. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. g. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. h. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous--Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening test. But not St. Nick, not a chance.
Link Posted: 12/9/2001 3:02:46 PM EDT
No way Santa is a woman. Him and all of the elves actually put together all of the toys at the North Pole. When was the last time you saw a woman putting a bike together?
Link Posted: 12/9/2001 3:05:35 PM EDT
Then Mrs. Claus?!?!? OMG!!! Gasp!!! Santa is a Lesbian.
Link Posted: 12/9/2001 3:17:05 PM EDT
Well, Santa never answered any of my mail to him... so he must be a guy - adn coming down the chimney... I don't know a woman that'd go [b]near[/b] a chimney if it wasn't cleaned enough to eat from first, let alone slide down it... And then remember Santa arrived on the scene quite some time ago, when men were real men, kept their word as a point of honor, and were capable of all kinds of things - like chivalry,etc... it's only been recently that the women have bred these attributes out of most men. As for the reindeer, well, Santa's stable is his conservation program. You don't think all those reindeer are male do you? he's breeding them so he has some to hunt every year! [:)] That's why only the strongest get to pull the sleigh! (that and Santa's girth)
Link Posted: 12/9/2001 3:26:22 PM EDT
The "Ho,Ho,Ho" aspect of Santa can be attributed not to his lacking ability to pick up women, but rather to his status as a well-disguised pimp.........just a theory
Link Posted: 12/9/2001 3:36:57 PM EDT
One time, I saw this hilarious XXX movie where Santa was played by Ron Jeremy. Sorry - nevermind. [:D] Tyler
Link Posted: 12/9/2001 6:13:38 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Ponyboy: No way Santa is a woman. Him and all of the elves actually put together all of the toys at the North Pole. When was the last time you saw a woman putting a bike together?
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[red]NEWS FLASH![/red] Many women (myself included) are very mechanically inclined. I started when I was about a year old when I disassembled my playpen in order to escape and then reassembled it to hide my escape route. My mother knew I wasn't big enough to climb out, so she hid in the other room and spied on me to see how I was getting out.
Link Posted: 12/9/2001 6:49:54 PM EDT
Could it be? Santa is gay? Mrs. Claus is eiter a Lesbian to make im look ok, or a transvestite? No say it isn't so?
Link Posted: 12/9/2001 7:07:29 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/9/2001 7:15:15 PM EDT
Originally Posted By raf: Your defective playpen was probably designed with lots of female input.[:D]
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Don't forget....I'm ARMED! [kill]
Link Posted: 12/9/2001 7:19:41 PM EDT
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