Found this to be hilarious...

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting
Texas from the east coast

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the
look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 : Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers!

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Superb!

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier
than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with
a snow cone.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch
hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 pass!ed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really
hot chili.

FRANK: ......(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)


Aviator  [img]www.milpubs.com/aviator.gif[/img]

LMAO! Sounds like some newbie at Terlingua, Texas, site of the Real Texas Chili Cookoff!

Eric The(HoldTheBeans,It'sALongRideBack!)Hun[>]:)]

I loved this one LMFAO !!!!!!

Every time I read that I end up in tears laughing. I love it.

Dang it! I can't take stuff like that! Piss in your pants FUNNY.

ROFLMAO...ROFLMAO...ROFLMAO

I haven't laughed this loud in a very long time...Thank You! Still rolling on this one and I think I just woke up the neighborhood!

Alex

Btt

Very funny.

Btw, if anyone has some nuklear f'n [b]HOT[/b] chili recipes post them. The hotter the better.

That is AWESOME. I hope I didn't screw up my monitor when I spit Gatorade all over the screen. VERY FUNNY![:D]