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Posted: 11/15/2001 9:24:39 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/15/2001 9:20:43 AM EDT by X--Kill]
On more than one occasion I, like so many of us on this forum, have spoken of personal problems. I feel like telling you all about this one here. My wife and I have always disagreed on the way she raises her child. To call him a spoiled rotten little brat is a complete understatement....................I tried to counter earlier discipline problems to no avail. Then I tried to take the approach of being his buddy and not putting myself in too many situations where I am expected to "perform" for him as others always have. In addiition, I decided not to hark on my wife anymore about the mistakes she is making with the kid.....was just gonna let her learn the hard way. This was almost working until about 3 weeks ago. The kid started getting the most disrespectful mouth, the sorriest attitude and the worst disposition I have ever seen a child have. He pulled his grandmothers hair at Disneyland........he hit my wife cause he got mad at her and now, since he always flys commercially to see his so-called Dad, the airlines are telling both my wife and his father of the troubles they are having with him. Recipee for disaster just waiting to happen if you ask me. Anyhow, I found that I simply could not tolerate his mouth in regards to the way he talks to me and to others......both family and friends. But, alas, when I stepped in to try and take corrective measures I was attacked by momma hen once again. I backed off from the kid and then got bitched at for not having anything to do with him. Regardless of the childs behavior and regardless of her (my wife) acknowledgement of the kid having a problem she continues to want to blame his lack of respect and piss-poor attitude on me getting on to him all the time about same. She will not seek counseling either. Funny Huh? Normal as well, I have gathered. So............she has been gone home to mommie for the last week. We have spoken only twice and not seen each other at all. She initially said she did not want a divorce but most recently said it seemed to be the only way. I know for a fact that I am correct in my views on this. The child does not tie his own shoes, nor does he wipe his on rear-end, won't help outside, is afraid of everything and is about as effiminate as any kid I have ever seen. He will be 8 in March. Self-esteem, of which he has none, is not gained through continuous compliments and being told how special a child is, rather it is gained through goals, accomplishments and discipline. Respect is not earned from a chiild as it is from a dog............respect is taught, demanded and gained through discipline and the furthering of greater self-esteem. My poor wife has it all backwards, has always fought me on what I have tried to teach this kid and she is about to reap what has been sewn. As for me I am actually fine.....releived if you will. I have 9 weeks of basic coming up and then 3-6 months AIT so I have something to focus on. No....I do not want a divorce but I do feel that the only way we can make this work is if we get some good counseling to help us all look at this a bit better. Never put much stock in counselors but I don't think anything else will work. I do know that I can not continue to live in a household where a woman that wanted a man for a boyfriend now prefers to have a mouse for a husband. The rod has been spared. How sad!
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 9:41:48 AM EDT
I am sad for you. You seem to have your head on straight and appear to have made the right decision. Best of Luck!
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 9:59:05 AM EDT
Sorry to hear about this problem with your wife and stepson. Sounds like your wife has a very big decision to make concerning her marriage. For her it may simply be a choice between you and her son. The same thing happened to someone I know and this woman ended her marriage because she decided that her child was more important then her new husband. Sadly, the kid just became worst and caused her some very serious problems less then a year later and continues to do so even to this day. You may have wash your hands of this matter. [:(]
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 10:04:45 AM EDT
Cut your loses early & get on with your life. If you think you can change her frame of thinking, your'e dreaming. There might be a thousand "one & onlies" out there, but there is NEVER only one.
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 10:18:18 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Bermshot: Cut your loses early & get on with your life. If you think you can change her frame of thinking, your'e dreaming. There might be a thousand "one & onlies" out there, but there is NEVER only one.
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I'll second that. Life is too short. Good luck.
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 10:33:48 AM EDT
Get that divorce [b]before[/b] you leave, or you'll be sending half your paycheck to her. Ask the previous "dad".
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 10:49:52 AM EDT
This is difficult. I firmly believe in the sanctity of marriage, but I also know how hard it can been when two people aren't working together in a marriage. You guys should have the same goals and, as my wife and I like to put it, put up a unified front. If you and your wife cannot be resolute and agree on how the parenting and discipline are going to be handled, then there is a very serious problem. You need to sit down with your wife and calmly explain the following. 1: You have the child's best interest at heart. 2: Everyone views the child as a problem and a troublemaker. You don't want them to think of him that way, and the only way to remedy that is to fix his behavior. 3: You cannot be expected to "spend time with him" as a father figure, yet not be able to discipline him when he does wrong. Parenting does not work that way. You may not be his birth father, but if he's going to live with you and your wife, then you are going to have to be treated as an equal in this. 4: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. If what you've tried hasn't fixed the problem, then you need to move on to other solutions. 5: If you cannot be an equal part of the marriage and the raising of the child that lives with you, then it needs to end. God Bless Texas
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 10:59:18 AM EDT
X-Kill, A good friend had the same type of problem. When his kid was but a wee pup, he did the same thing. His kid whent to school the next day and told the teacher his dad hit him. Child services was out before you could say boo. Since then, the punk tells dad to F-off and he will call the cops etc. Well now, present day, the punk is singing from a jail cell. All because his wife didn't believe in dissapline. Now I'm being paid to repair the damage done to my friends house by this little bastard over the ensuing years. Do yourself a favor, end it. Good Luck.
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 11:12:37 AM EDT
Originally Posted By kikomax:
Originally Posted By Bermshot: Cut your loses early & get on with your life. If you think you can change her frame of thinking, your'e dreaming. There might be a thousand "one & onlies" out there, but there is NEVER only one.
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I'll second that. Life is too short. Good luck.
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Third
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 11:20:04 AM EDT
X-Kill: You have my home number, so use it when you feel the need... also, don't hesitate to call me collect, because right now you need to conserve your finances more than ever. You know Cathy and I will certainly say a prayer for you!
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 11:26:08 AM EDT
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 11:35:34 AM EDT
X-Kill - Kill some talibans. It'll relieve stress. Seriously, that's a difficult situation. But the relative diffculty of the situation is NOT a consideration when determining right from wrong. Choose wisely. I won't be so arrogant as to say anything further than that.
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 11:42:31 AM EDT
X--Kill, My heart goes out to you bro. I've been there. I made my decision to leave my wife and 3 children for similar reasons. I've worked my ass off for the last 10 years to be sure that my kids turn out ok. Thank God they are fine. But they had every chance to not to be fine. I can't advise you but I will say this. Anyone who thinks they will simplify their life by getting a divorce has no idea what they are getting into. Just a couple of things I didn't think about: What happens if the guy she marries next is a real asshole drunk etc and doesn't really love YOUR children. Children are 6 times more likely to be abused by their stepfather. I'll get custody you say. Statistics say you probably won't...period. How does it feel to see your 4yr old daughter climb into another mans lap. A man you know may have potential to harm her some day. My friend, you have NEVER felt pain like that. I promise. How does it feel to hear your children call someone else Dad. How does it feel to find out your parents may never see their grand children again if you pass away. Can you follow her across the country when the new Mr. Wonderful decides it's time to move to The People's Republic of Kalifornia and you don't have custody. Who will get to kiss your children good nite when you aren't there. How will you EVER watch them grow up in just two weekends a month. How will you be sure your kids grow up believing that an education is important when the new Mr. Wonderful doesn't. Who will walk your daughter down the isle? My friend, please work thru EVERY option before you divorce. If you have to get a divorce devote the rest of your life being sure you're children are ok because it won't happen if you don't make it so. Don't forget you probably will only have 4 days a month to do a life time of fathering. My heart and prayers go out to you and your child. Semper Fi Rocketman
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 11:55:33 AM EDT
Sage words, Rocketman.
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 12:10:53 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 12:11:07 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Rocketman: X--Kill, My heart goes out to you bro. I've been there. I made my decision to leave my wife and 3 children for similar reasons. I've worked my ass off for the last 10 years to be sure that my kids turn out ok. Thank God they are fine. But they had every chance to not to be fine. I can't advise you but I will say this. Anyone who thinks they will simplify their life by getting a divorce has no idea what they are getting into. Just a couple of things I didn't think about: What happens if the guy she marries next is a real asshole drunk etc and doesn't really love YOUR children. Children are 6 times more likely to be abused by their stepfather. I'll get custody you say. Statistics say you probably won't...period. How does it feel to see your 4yr old daughter climb into another mans lap. A man you know may have potential to harm her some day. My friend, you have NEVER felt pain like that. I promise. How does it feel to hear your children call someone else Dad. How does it feel to find out your parents may never see their grand children again if you pass away. Can you follow her across the country when the new Mr. Wonderful decides it's time to move to The People's Republic of Kalifornia and you don't have custody. Who will get to kiss your children good nite when you aren't there. How will you EVER watch them grow up in just two weekends a month. How will you be sure your kids grow up believing that an education is important when the new Mr. Wonderful doesn't. Who will walk your daughter down the isle? My friend, please work thru EVERY option before you divorce. If you have to get a divorce devote the rest of your life being sure you're children are ok because it won't happen if you don't make it so. Don't forget you probably will only have 4 days a month to do a life time of fathering. My heart and prayers go out to you and your child. Semper Fi Rocketman
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Rocketman, if only every father understood what you said. My wife and I were having some problems recently and the subject of divorce came up. The thought of her leaving didn't bother so much as what would happen to the kids. Who would they call 'Dad'? What would our breakup do them mentally? Hate to admit this, but I cried my eyes out thinking about it. We have two together, and one from her from a previous marriage. And no, I was not 'allowed' to discipline him. He's 18 now, turned out OK, goes to college and has a job. She may have done the discipline, but I played the 'buddy', and it worked. Anyway X-Kill, think about it long and hard. If there is absolutely no other way, then so be it, but at least you can tell yourself that you gave it all you got.
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 12:34:54 PM EDT
You have no say in raising the kid? Cut and Run let Mom deal with her 14 Carat Fuck-up.
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 12:38:03 PM EDT
X-Kill, I am new to this forum...BTW I think it's great, but I'm not new to what you describe. My wife and I married 3yrs ago and began a family with us and her 14 y.o. boy. I had never had a family before and had no experience raising a child. I eased into this situation without demanding a set of rules and not making any sweeping changes in his expectations. Soon enough he crossed the line, I responded and momma got on me. Just like you, I was amazed that I was all of the sudden I was the bad guy. I'm always the good guy, make great money, bought him all he needed and more. After this shock and all of the fights that came after, my wife and I sat down and re-made our committment to each other, and it was put on my shoulders to reach a common understanding with my stepson. All of the credit goes to my wife and her trust and committment in me. Long story just a bit longer... over the next several months we all came to an understanding and my sepson amd I was able to develope a father/son/buddy relationship and now he calls me dad and he is "my boy". OK, now for my two cents, your decision my be easy if you answer the following question: 1. Are you alone in this situation or is your wife willing to work with you for a solution. - If you are truly alone.....get out now, don'tlook back. - If she wants to truly help in this ...stick it out, it will be a ball breaker, but worth it. Just my 2 cents, I pray all works out for you. [%(] Sometimes you must fight for what is important.
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 12:52:07 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 12:52:20 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/15/2001 12:58:27 PM EDT by Muzzlebreak]
X--Kill, I feel your pain, bro. My stepson was 6 when I married his mother. She spent the first several years of our marriage telling me that I was too strict with him. Now that he's 13 she agrees that she was wrong. For years she'd felt guilty for depriving him of growing up with his father, though it was really the only option open to her. His grandparents, too, were of the opinion that he could do nothing wrong. His father is a total looser with 3 felony convictions on his record, two for cocaine running and one for running a home improvement scam on the elderly with his own father. (The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.) When the father got off parole for his "intent to distribute" conviction, he started becoming a more prominent figure in the boy's life. Two years ago the boy's biggest problem was his non-existent attention span. This year alone he's received 3 citations from the constables at school, the latest for truancy. (Thursday and of last week he ditched school and spent the day at our home with two punk buddies of his. He tried to do the same thing Friday but he was seen leaving the campus and my wife found him back at our house with the same two friends.) He's already been in front of the judge 3 times this year and this morning he started going to "alternative school." After trying to kidnap him this past summer (a whole different story) his father filed a false CPS report against his mother and myself. We were lucky enough to draw a case worker who had been around the block a time or two and knew a scam when she saw one. The agency ruled out all accusations of abuse and has expunged all records of their investigation. Since this summer, my wife and I have spent well over 5 grand in legal fees on custody issues (even though my wife is the sole managing conservator) and child support collection efforts (the father is $43000 in arrears). Our lives this past year have been absolute shit. The boy never thinks he's done anything wrong, but that the whole world is overreacting. He just cannot conceive of the fact that he must follow the rules. His whole life he's been allowed to skate by. People cut him slack because they felt sorry for him. Well now all this overindulgence is paying off. The kid just, flat doesn't know how to behave and is therefore overwhelmed in a system that demands a certain level of conformity. Something for you and your wife to think about, X--Kill... Your stepson's discipline problems MUST be dealt with now. Once the boy hits puberty, with all the problems caused by raging hormones, he will be unreachable. If your wife is not willing to address the problem and present (as someone else put it) an united front against his bad behavior then it's probably for the best that you both go your separate ways. She obviously can't handle him alone and there's no reason for the kid to ruin two lives instead of just one. Best of luck, friend. Edited to add the following: I agree 100% with Rocketman. If you and your wife have a child together I encourage you to exhaust every possibility before the seaking a divorce. My wife and I have a daughter. I held her in my arms as soon as she was borne, even before my wife got to hold her. There is nothing on the face of this planet that would make me walk away from her. IMHO, when you have a child your own best interests take a back seat. Again, best of luck and may God be with you and your family.
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 1:02:05 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/15/2001 5:30:22 PM EDT
Wow! What great responses and even greater support..................a special thanks to Anti-USSA and thebeekeeper1 as they have assisted with their friendship and advice before when things were tough on the home front. It is good to hear from folks who already have that t-shirt so to speak. For the record........we have no children from our marriage..................a miscarriage two years ago this month is all.............that may speak volumes right there huh? Heck man..........she just has it all backwards as somehow with all the feelings of guilt from the past (got pregnant....got married....got beat.....got divorced)..........the dysfunction of her own family and weakness in general, she just does not see the forrest for the trees. That is really sad because I really do love the woman. I hate to be the one who initiates divorce but did wonder about dependants and the military....................I know I would get housing allowance upwards of $400 w/ dependents.........perhaps I should really check into that pronto. I am willing to take them back but only with counseling for all 3 of us...........otherwise no dice. Right now though, it seems as though her changing her mind would be next in line to the likelihood of having snowballs in hell tomorrow morning. I do realize though that: 1) She does not love me like she should 2) She does not love her child like she should 3) She blames what is "convenient" for her own shortcomings 4) I don't think she thinks she has any shortcomings Gone one week tonight................looks like I am the only one who is hurting here......................maybe that tells all.
Link Posted: 11/16/2001 7:04:40 AM EDT
X-Kill, Is there any chance her parents could talk some sense into her? It certainly simplifies things that you don't have any kids together. Best of luck to you.
Link Posted: 11/16/2001 7:16:12 AM EDT
Brad, I pray that God will comfort you and guide you to make the proper decision in this situation. You still have my number if you need it. Scott
Link Posted: 11/16/2001 7:24:34 AM EDT
[b]X-Kill "I know for a fact that I am correct in my views on this. The child does not tie his own shoes, nor does he wipe his on rear-end, won't help outside, is afraid of everything and is about as effiminate as any kid I have ever seen. He will be 8 in March. " [/b] It sounds like the kid has been raised a lot by his mother. She probably doesn't want to admint that her parenting was sub-par. Hate to say it but by the age of 8 years old there isn't much you can do to straighten out a brat the foundation has already been set. If she isn't happy with her son's behavior something must be done. Evidentlly what she has been doing hasn't worked, this isnt your fault X-Kill especially if she won't let you intervene. I'd hate to see a marriage end over some molly-coddled child, that might be just what he wants if he is used to getting everything else he wants. Discipline him or let him keep going the way he is....seems like an easy parenting decision.
Link Posted: 11/16/2001 7:58:26 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/16/2001 7:59:01 AM EDT by blackeye]
One of my wife's friend has the same problem as this woman. Although with her it has cost her three marriage's. I have remained friend's with all 3 guy's. They are all normal guys faced with a no-win situation and faced up to this reality with divorce's. Not only does this type of woman refuse to hear anything derogatory about her demon from hell son. She will explain away anything he does with "Oh, he is just a kid. He'll grow out of it." After discussing this with a pyschologist friend of mine. He suggested that this type of mother suffers from a serious inferiority complex that keeps her from seeing anything wrong with her child or her own actions. In other words, her own insecurities are preventing her from raising the child correctly. Until she submits to counseling you would be wise to stay clear of this accident waiting to happen. I give this warning with great seriousness and experience. The first guy almost went to jail because Junior called the police from his bedroom saying that his step-dad was trying to kill him. He was given a spanking for destroying the paint on one side of a brand new car he had just given his wife. He lasted 2 years with her. The second guy quickly tired of this monster after 9 months. After looking at a few pictures(before and after the marriage.) He noticed he had gone almost completely gray in that time period. He was 34. The third guy had a heart attack while screaming at this kid. The kid smiles every time his name is mentioned. He lasted 3 years. When this mother and her child come to my house they know their time might be limited. I take the only approach that works with this situation. No amount of discussion works with someone who is not listening. I usually wind up throwing this circus act out the door within 15 minutes or so. Each time telling her "If this is how your child acts, then you and your child are not welcome here." She says I am just mad because she keeps divorcing my friends. My response is "Actually that is the only reason I do like you." In case you haven't realized it. This woman is in a state of total denial. Run sir, run like a deer with its ass on fire. You do not need this circus act following you to basic training. You have an opportunity to have a new life. Don't drag old problems that can't obsolved into your future. This is not my opinion speaking but my experience. Start divorce proceedings before starting basic. It, in my opinion, would be the best time for a divorce. You will not have time to think about your situation while in basic...hee hee.
Link Posted: 11/16/2001 7:27:21 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/16/2001 7:20:41 PM EDT by X--Kill]
Uh........yep....yep and yep. All true. No one can tell my wife anything............and if it is about anything bad junior did then she always has an excuse. Funny though......not two weeks ago she was lying in bed crying about how he mistreats her......how he does not really care about her......and about what we were gonna do with him............................all the while, trying to console her, I kept on thinking,[b]"This is the beginning of your price for the way you and your parents have raised this kid".[/b].............but of course, I could only tip-toe around that enlightening bit of information as truth is not popular where the boy is concerned Sad...........very sad, like I said I do love her but I am seeing now, after 8 days and no phone call from her, that this is only a pattern that will rear its ugly head time after time after time until someone does something they would regret and we all pay a much greater price. If nothing changes by next week, if she will not consent to immediate counseleing (provided that she even wants to come home), then I find that I have no choice but to contact my attorney for divorce proceedings. BTW..................her parents played a pivotal role in all this crap as they (her crazy mother that is) basically raised the kid for the first 3-4 years of his life. My wife lived w/ them and she worked......her mom (a rich bitch) stayed at home w/ child and catered to his every whim. My wife's father is the epitomy of the whipped man..............he suffers his wife's every request/demand be it sensible (rarely) or otherwise. What a fine role model he has been ! End.
Link Posted: 11/16/2001 7:31:55 PM EDT
Oh nooooooooooooooooooo.............I just realized that I may eventually rely on you guys to find me a woman some day. Oh........that day will come as I do not like to be alone...........we all need a good woman. Perhaps beginning like the jokes you see sometimes where a man is looking for a woman that hunts, fishes, cooks, cleans and shoots (send picture of guns) etc etc. HA HA HA................... One bridge to cross later huh?
Link Posted: 11/16/2001 7:39:37 PM EDT
Listen to the advise & definitely cover your ass for the future. I'm in similiar situation but haven't married her because of the 10 year old tyrant & the fact I have a hell of a lot to lose. Good luck
Link Posted: 11/16/2001 8:06:00 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/16/2001 7:59:30 PM EDT by X--Kill]
Roger that John. Man...........I try not to even think about that......................our biggest conern is our property...................the small things do not matter. Up through last year we had about 40k in equity in our home. But, I added on......consolidated some debts etc etc and now that is basically shot. Couple that with the fact that the economy is on a downslide and that the RE market is depressed locally and I shudder to think about selling our house. Right now we'd be lucky to come within 30-35k of our required price. Good luck to you to my friend..............look closely before you leap.
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