GOOD!...........now get back in the kitchen!................(kidding)......[:)]

When my ex was caring our first child this discussion came up.

She wanted to quit work.  We both agreed we didn't want someone else raising our child, IE watching them 8 hours or more a day.  I made decent money, not rich mind you, and not enough that spenderella would have been happy.  My plan was to go on second shift and watch my child during the day while she worked which would necessitate having a babysitter for 2 hours a day which I felt was acceptable.  And unlike a lot of other fathers it would afford me a hands on experience of raising my child, including all the diapering and feeding which most men seem to escape.

She, in her discussion of the subject never once mentioned how she felt it would be best for the child, just that she didn't want to work.  She made no attempt to win me over by telling me how she might help make our budget work on one salaries (IE clipping coupons or what ever seeing she wasn't going to be working) Nor did she butter me up by saying that if she didn't work I would be relieved of some of the household chores which I shared in because it was only fair because we both worked.

Instead her only concern was if I was going to be pissed if she did a lot of running around while I worked and she didn't.  We were still paying on the car she was driving which I couldn't afford to pick up the payment on my wages alone.  She also alluded to the fact that she still expected me to continue doing the household chores I was doing.

Her attitude was not that of a loving concerned mother but that of a lazy b_tch that just didn't want to work.  This wasn't about having a child in daycare all day as I was asking for the opportunity to be Mr. MOM.

I made the statement that if she wasn't working then maybe she didn't need a car seeing as how I couldn't afford it anyhow.  And she came back with the statement that she would just run around with her friend Helen then.  That sealed her fate and I told her with an attitude like that she'd never quit her F_cking job.

As a postscript when my daughter was born I took two weeks off and waited on my ex and daughter hand and foot.  Upon returning home after my first day back to work she was standing in the livingroom waiting on me.

God strike me dead these are the first words out of her mouth as I entered the house.
"I'll tell you one thing motherf_cker, if you think I'm picking up after your ass all day long just because I'm not working you've got another thing coming."  The house was spotless when I left in the morning and all she had to do was the diapering and dressing of our daughter that I had been doing for the past two weeks.  Now you can say postpartum depression, I say lazy bitch.

I did play Mr. Mom for both of our children for 7 years, watching, feeding, diapering, dressing them everyday with only one day off for good behavior (my mom took the kids because she said I deserved a day off, and I went golfing) The year both my children were in school all day the ex filed for divorce because I guess I wasn't need as babysitter, she knew I couldn't get custody of the kids because I had made sacrifices to be on second shift and was stuck on second at the time.  And what the hell she was going to get half of my paycheck anyhow.  Well damn close anyhow.

cont.


My point is although I don't believe in daycare relieving a parent of the responsibility of raising their children there are reasons to push a man to the point to tell a woman hell no you ain't going to quit you job.

I'd have to hear his side of the story before I just condemned him as a heartless bastard.

good point.  as far as his side of the story, it's a little gray from what his bride-to-be says, but i don't get the feeling that it's because she doesn't want to work.  on the contrary, she does.  that's one of the things i don't like about that message board.  it's one thing to have a frustration and need to vent (women can be okay with things if sometimes we can just get them off our chest).  it's another to ask for advice when they aren't giving the whole story.  his side would be helpful.

Actually, it's about half.  
Strange little news item about divorce I heard the other day.  2/3 of marriages where the bride is 20 or under fail, whereas 1/3 of marriages with a bride 21 or over fail.  So getting a more mature woman is a plus to a lasting relationship.  

ARLady, you and I have disagreed in the past and I fear it has happened again. [:)]  

I agree that in an ideal world there would be little neighborhoods of well-adjusted children with stay-at-home moms who had regularly scheduled play dates.  And, yes, some parents are selfish and put themselves before the children.  But I have to say... if you have a parent that is motivated by the "me first" mindset, putting the child in daycare may be one of the few [i]decent[/i] things they may do for their child.  

Even if you start out with the best of intentions, circumstances change.  I believe the majority of parents try to do the best that they can... sometimes they just need help.  

I find it absolutely dumbfounding that you are so quick to condemn someone who isn't exactly in line with your beliefs.  I would love to be a fly on the wall when you are learning to adjust to being a newlywed and then a new parent.  Perhaps then you'll understand more about flexibility.    

As for that particular woman and her fiance.. brings to mind a discussion I had once with a guy over the movie "Forrest Gump."  My friend insisted that Jenny was a user and only took advantage of Forrest.  My feeling is that there is no "right or wrong" way to have a relationship... a relationship is two people agreeing that the other person gives them something they need.  You may never know the whole story but suffice to say that if those are the terms he has laid out [i]and she agrees to them[/i] then that's all you need to know.  And she [i]did[/i] agreed when she took his ring and/or didn't break it off when he made his feelings clear.