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Posted: 3/22/2006 7:40:14 AM EDT
I used to know a guy who had a million of these and wanted to write a book, but I guess he never did. Let's hear em.

"Darlin, you stank purdy!"

"Damn...she's purdyer than a shiny new pick-up!"

"She's purdyer than a speckeled pup!"

"That's wronger then two boys fightin over a sack of dicks!"

Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:49:46 AM EDT
Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits
That'd puke a buzzard off a gut-wagon
I'm gonna beat you like a rented mule
She's so bow-legged she couldn't hem up a hog in a ditch
I'm gonna snatch your arm off and beat you to death with the bloody end
If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his kiester when he jumps
If wishes were horses then beggars would ride
More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
Busier than a nickel whore on a Friday night
He's all hat and no cattle
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:52:14 AM EDT
busier than a one legged man in an asskicking contest

happier than a queer with a bag of dicks

I'm so hungry I'd eat the ass end of a menstraul skunk
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:55:13 AM EDT
Stupid as a monkey fucking a football.

Fucked up as a football bat.

Dumb as a soup sandwich.

She ain't no bigger than a minute.

Hungry enough to eat the ass out of a billy goat.

Tighter than Dicks hatband.

She's homelier than a mud wall.
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:56:57 AM EDT
Hornier than a 3-dicked Billy Goat.
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:57:01 AM EDT
That's like deer guts on a doorknob...
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:02:40 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/22/2006 8:03:45 AM EDT by CSM]
purer than driven snow.

slow as mollasses in january.

Homely as a mud fence.

Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:03:14 AM EDT
She'd scare a bulldog away from a platter of meat.
Beat hard with the ugly stick.
Nervous as a long-tailed cat at a rocking chair convention.

I also once had to explain to a friend from New York that when her colleague from Texas said, "Ah tell you whut!", he wasn't going to tell her anything. [for other New Yorkers, "I tell you what!" is the equivalent of "Boy, that was something!", or "wow!"]
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:05:58 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/22/2006 8:06:28 AM EDT by Cincinnatus]

Originally Posted By bob-ar15:

I also once had to explain to a friend from New York that when her colleague from Texas said, "Ah tell you whut!", he wasn't going to tell her anything. [for other New Yorkers, "I tell you what!" is the equivalent of "Boy, that was something!", or "wow!"]



Fuggedaboudit!

Whaddayo­ufugginkiddin'me?
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:06:49 AM EDT
Drunker than a unicycle

Happy as a puppy with two peters

Hotter than a four-balled tomcat

Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:07:10 AM EDT
Hornier Th'na Three Balled Tomcat!

She purdy enough to stop a plow!

Darlin', I must'uv been a squirrel in a former life 'cause every time I see you I 'jis wanna bust a nut!
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:07:26 AM EDT
honey, you look finer than a new set of snow tires


Man, she is uglier than a hat full of asshole

Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:07:48 AM EDT
Crazier than a mason jar of blue-bottle flies
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:07:51 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Cincinnatus:

Originally Posted By bob-ar15:

I also once had to explain to a friend from New York that when her colleague from Texas said, "Ah tell you whut!", he wasn't going to tell her anything. [for other New Yorkers, "I tell you what!" is the equivalent of "Boy, that was something!", or "wow!"]



Fuggedaboudit!

Whaddayo­ufugginkiddin'me?



LOL
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:08:34 AM EDT
Redneck foreplay - "Hey sis, are you awake?"
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:12:27 AM EDT
dumber than a sack a hammers.


ugly as a gunny sack full of assholes
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:14:15 AM EDT
Hey, guys! Watch this!!

Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:21:03 AM EDT
Hold ma beer.......
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:24:31 AM EDT
Slicker dan' a double cunted cow pissin on a flat rock
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:26:09 AM EDT
I'll kick a mud hole in your butt and stomp it dry.
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:26:12 AM EDT
quieter than a mouse pissin on a cotton ball.

dumber than a box of rocks.


...ugly as a bucket of mashed assholes.

Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:26:17 AM EDT
How about "It's raining like a double-cunted cow pissin' on a flat rock"? My granddaddy used to say that.
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:27:57 AM EDT
Oh, I just thought about another one...."Madder than a fag with tonsilitis on Valentine's day!"
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:33:20 AM EDT
She's so ugly she would make a freight train take a dirt road.

That sucks like a 3 headed queer

If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose.

Som bitch is so dumb he couldn't poor piss out of a boot with directions on the heel.

Happy as a clam at high tide.

Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:39:31 AM EDT
Well,,there ya go
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:41:38 AM EDT
That's slicker than 2 oysters fuckin' in a bucket of snot
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:45:14 AM EDT
Raining like a cow peeing on a flat rock

Slick as owl snot.

Cute as a fart in church.

That went over like a lead balloon.

(From a DI at Parris Island) That's uglier than a sack of smashed assholes.

Put a knot on your head Clorox won't take off.

Stomp a mudhole in somebody.
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:49:33 AM EDT
She's dumber'n a bag of hammers
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:53:48 AM EDT
Oh, that dog just ain't gonna hunt!

D'jeet yet?

Aight

Fixin to ...

Link Posted: 3/22/2006 9:01:11 AM EDT
I wish I could quit you.
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 9:02:51 AM EDT
Useless as tits on a boar hog.
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 9:07:30 AM EDT
"take ya out back and show ya how the cow ate the cabbage"

Link Posted: 3/22/2006 9:08:16 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/22/2006 9:11:53 AM EDT by shawn21]
She's sweating worse than a whore in church!

Dont make me give you a good ol country ass woppin!

I bet she could suck a golf ball thru a garden hose!

That woman could suck the chrome off a trailor hitch!

That bitch smells worse than a outhouse rat!



Link Posted: 3/22/2006 9:10:20 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/22/2006 9:19:02 AM EDT by M4]
I heard George Carlin say this in a stand-up thing he did on HBO...and I absolutely agree.

Any grown man who refers to his father as "Daddy"....is a complete fuckin' moron.


"My daddy once told me that....."

"Me and my daddy went fishin' last weekend at....."





Link Posted: 3/22/2006 9:16:51 AM EDT
Bout' as sharp as a bowlin' ball that boy is.

Link Posted: 3/22/2006 9:19:27 AM EDT
Makes about as much sense as white walls on a tractor.


ByteTheBullet (-:
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 10:37:46 AM EDT
He was shakin' like a dog shitin' a peach pit.
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 2:09:34 PM EDT
Meaner than a dog shittin' tacks
Tight as Dave's hatband
It's hot as a pistol!
That'd gag a maggot off the gut wagon
She could chew corn on the cob through a picket fence
Ugly as homemade sin
Katie bar the door!
Git'chu a horn o' that!(Itawamba County, MS)
Ain't got sense enough to get in outta the rain

Link Posted: 3/22/2006 6:56:49 PM EDT
She could pull 20 pounds of vacuum on an onion sack.
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:02:04 PM EDT
Wish in one hand, shit in the other - see which gets full first
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:07:30 PM EDT
<spit> collo what now? Y'all yanks with your fancy words and such....
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:09:20 PM EDT

Originally Posted By thedoctors308:
I wish I could quit you.



DAMMIT! You beat me to it!

Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:09:49 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/22/2006 7:10:28 PM EDT by 3rdpig]
Ugly enough to scare shit off a shovel.

She could scare a coyote off a fresh kill by spreading her legs.

Got a face that looks like 5 miles of gravel road.

She smells like where the whales go to die.

Edited to add: I can't believe I wasted my 556th post on this shit!
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:12:01 PM EDT
faster than a spotted-assed leopard
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:25:11 PM EDT
Don't squat with your spurs on
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:27:27 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/22/2006 7:29:44 PM EDT by geerhed]
she stinks so bad it'd knock a buzzard off a dung waggon.
thet boy's dumber than a box of hammers
my uncle is tighter than bark on a tree
he was plumb weak North of his ears
as crazy as popcorn on a hot skillett
he couldn't drive a nail in a snow bank
he got nothing under his hat but hair
feller was grinnin like a jack ass eatin cactus
he was grinnin like a weasel in a hen house
slicker'n snot on a doorknob
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:29:12 PM EDT
COWBOY BOB'S GUIDE TO A HAPPY LIFE

1. NEVER KICK A FRESH COW CHIP ON A HOT DAY.

2. THERE'S TWO THEORIES TO ARGUIN' WITH A WOMAN. NEITHER ONE WORKS.

3. DON'T WORRY ABOUT BITIN' OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW. YOUR MOUTH IS PROBABLY A WHOLE LOT BIGGER'N YOU THINK.

4. IF YOU GET TO THINKIN' YOU'RE A PERSON OF SOME INFLUENCE, TRY ORDERIN' SOMEBODY ELSE'S DOG AROUND.

5. NEVER ASK A MAN THE SIZE OF HIS SPREAD.

6. IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A HOLE THE FIRST THING TO DO IS STOP DIGGIN'.
7. NEVER SMACK A MAN WHO'S CHEWIN' TOBACCO.

8. IT DON'T TAKE A GENIUS TO SPOT A GOAT IN A FLOCK OF SHEEP.

9. NEVER ASK A BARBER IF HE THINKS YOU NEED A HAIRCUT.

10. GOOD JUDGEMENT COMES FROM EXPERIENCE, AND A LOT OF THAT COMES FROM BAD JUDGEMENT.

11. ALWAYS DRINK UPSTREAM FROM THE HERD.

12. NEVER DROP YOUR GUN TO HUG A GREIZZLY.

13. IF YOU'RE RIDIN' AHEAD OF THE HERD, TAKE A LOOK BACK EVERY NOW AND THEN TO MAKE SURE IT'S STILL THERE.

14. WHEN YOU GIVE A LESSON IN MEANNESS TO A CRITTER OR PERSON, DON'T BE SURPRISED IF THEY LEARN THEIR LESSON.

15. WHEN YOU'RE THROWIN' YOUR WEIGHT AROUND, BE READY TO HAVE IT THROWN AROUND BY SOMEBODY ELSE.

16. LETTIN' THE CAT OUTTA THE BAG IS A WHOLE LOT EASIER 'N PUTTING' IT BACK.
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:32:35 PM EDT
She's so loose I gave her a meat sleave.

I put in a ham and pulled out the bone.
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 7:36:45 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Wdsman:
Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits
That'd puke a buzzard off a gut-wagon
I'm gonna beat you like a rented mule
She's so bow-legged she couldn't hem up a hog in a ditch
I'm gonna snatch your arm off and beat you to death with the bloody end
If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his kiester when he jumps
If wishes were horses then beggars would ride
More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
Busier than a nickel whore on a Friday night
He's all hat and no cattle



I've always heard it "that's bad enough to knock a buzzard off a shit wagon."
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:00:46 PM EDT
higher than giraffe pussy

useless as bull pussy
Link Posted: 3/22/2006 8:02:53 PM EDT
"Son, you'd rather sandpaper a bobcats ass in a phonebooth than to fuck with me."
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