Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
Member Login
Arrow Left Previous Page
Page / 2
Posted: 3/18/2006 10:17:18 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/18/2006 10:18:00 AM EDT by blacklisted]
They came, and caught me by surprise. Normally I am prepared and know not the answer the door.

This time I was expecting mormons (which are actually quite friendly and seem to know when to stop) but instead the doorbell that woke me up revealed two middle aged men in nice suits. Not at all what one would expect of mormons. They actually looked like cops. So, I answered the door. Big mistake.

In my drowsy state, I was unable to fight them off or warn them to stay away. I am an atheist, so obviously they could have no effect...however, I could not bring myself to say anything rude to them. I'm just such a nice person when caught by surprise. So I listened to their bullshit.

At first, they wouldn't say that the hell they were there for, I just kept telling them that nobody was home (didn't work). Finally they said they were talking to people about the bible. Shit. I was still not fully awake (and I am not as I am typing this), so I was still unable to do the right thing and shut the door. They left after about a minute, but not until they gave me their stupid brochure and gave their little speech about how "times are changing". Not only that, they have my first name (bastards got it before revealing their true evil). You never give your name to these sick bastards, they can track you.

As a result of this ambush, I am sure that I can expect a repeat visit. When? I don't know. I will surely be looking over my shoulder and expecting the worst when the doorbell rings. But when they come, I will be ready for them. Horrible acts of depravity will be in evidence upon my partially nude and blood covered body. Actually, I'll probably not answer the door. I may even set up an ambush of my own. They will flee this evil domicile with the haste of angry wasps. I will be victorious.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:21:11 AM EDT
You should have opened the door in an open robe, while beating off...
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:23:16 AM EDT

Originally Posted By NME:
You should have opened the door in an open robe, while beating off...



I know someone who did that. Instead he wasn't wearing a robe. They never came back after that.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:32:22 AM EDT

Originally Posted By NME:
You should have opened the door in an open robe, while beating off...



Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:37:34 AM EDT
Last time they came to my house I told them I was a Baptist and have not heard from them yet.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:38:12 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/18/2006 10:39:37 AM EDT by blacklisted]
Next time I think I'll tell them that I worship Baal.

I'm sure they are coming back...they mark your address if you at least answer the door and talk to them.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:41:29 AM EDT
You seem rather scared of them.


Are you too afraid to tell them your not interested and let them leave?


Just an idea. It always seemed to work for me.


Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:42:24 AM EDT

Originally Posted By O2BNMUD:
You seem rather scared of them.


Are you too afraid to tell them your not interested and let them leave?


Just an idea. It always seemed to work for me.





No, it's not that. I just don't like being caught by surprise. I usually deal quite well with the door to door religion salesmen.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:44:34 AM EDT

Originally Posted By blacklisted:

Originally Posted By O2BNMUD:
You seem rather scared of them.


Are you too afraid to tell them your not interested and let them leave?


Just an idea. It always seemed to work for me.





No, it's not that. I just don't like being caught by surprise. I usually deal quite well with the door to door religion salesmen.



Sounds like you can't handle certain situations well.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:47:00 AM EDT
I usually keep repeating the words "Not Interested" until they leave.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:51:23 AM EDT
The "I am an excommunicated witness" send them scurrying as well. I am not but have a friend who is and gave me this tip.

Transfered from Spain to North Carolina. I was moving in and had movers and boxes everywhere. Witnesses showed up and wanted me to stop unpacking to listen to them. I declined as I was rather busy. They insisted I talk to them, again I told them I was rather busy. They again insisted that I talk to them. I then told them they were tresspassing and they needed to leave. They left after that.

Two Mormon Boys showed up after that on bikes. They locked their bikes to the porch railing rolled up their sleeves tucked in their ties and asked if they could help. "Of course you can!" was my reply. I worked them like dogs for an hour or two and bought pizza and non caffinated pop for them and us for dinner. They said grace and we ate.

Guess which church has the better image in my mind?
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:51:38 AM EDT

Originally Posted By SPECTRE:

Originally Posted By blacklisted:

Originally Posted By O2BNMUD:
You seem rather scared of them.


Are you too afraid to tell them your not interested and let them leave?


Just an idea. It always seemed to work for me.





No, it's not that. I just don't like being caught by surprise. I usually deal quite well with the door to door religion salesmen.



Sounds like you can't handle certain situations well.



I have to agree...

The first step to being a man about it, is being able to say..

" No thank you, have a nice day" and close the door.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:53:38 AM EDT
I don't see them often but have found that a simple "No, not interested, go away", followed by closing the door on them, usually works fine. If you don't answer the door they'll come back later.

It helps if you have a security door, one of those expanded metal ones that they can't easily see through and the sound of large, mean dogs behind you.

I suppose the sound of a pump shotgun being racked might work too!
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:54:30 AM EDT
They don't come back if you throw a nice fresh handful of cat turds at them. BTDT.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:55:02 AM EDT
Dontcha just love the subtle scare tactics zealots of any flavor try to use with catchy little phrases like "Times are changing" as you mentioned?

Link Posted: 3/18/2006 10:55:17 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/18/2006 10:56:20 AM EDT by blacklisted]

Originally Posted By R-32:

Originally Posted By SPECTRE:

Originally Posted By blacklisted:

Originally Posted By O2BNMUD:
You seem rather scared of them.


Are you too afraid to tell them your not interested and let them leave?


Just an idea. It always seemed to work for me.





No, it's not that. I just don't like being caught by surprise. I usually deal quite well with the door to door religion salesmen.



Sounds like you can't handle certain situations well.



I have to agree...

The first step to being a man about it, is being able to say..

" No thank you, have a nice day" and close the door.



You're right. Maybe if the bastards wouldn't have woke me up I would have been more agressive like I am with the mormons. I will get my revenge, and redeem myself. If they come back I will have the camera ready. This will be beyond a simple "I'm not interested".
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 11:00:40 AM EDT
This is why I keep porn in the DVD player at all times. If there is a woman with them I look at her without blinking and say she is real purdy
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 11:02:46 AM EDT
A surprise visit. A real kick and good for laughs and lashings of the old ultraviolence.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 11:06:29 AM EDT

Originally Posted By CZ75_9MM:
A surprise visit. A real kick and good for laughs and lashings of the old ultraviolence.



Great idea. I'll beat them with chains.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 11:10:25 AM EDT
You should have drawn down on them.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 11:11:45 AM EDT
They showed up at my door once... it was around 2 PM...I had just woken up and looked like hell,,unshaven, smelly, wearing boxer shorts and a wifebeater T-shirt...

Open the door, and I get an uncomfrotable look from these two young ladies... They started shaking as they gave me the spiel...

Came out something like

"wou woul would you like to hear a message"

I nod my head...

So this girl is shaking as she is reading me a bible passage...

I said thanks, and they hurried off, NEVER to be seen again

No free bible...no nothing...what did I do wrong...
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 11:24:18 AM EDT
Door bell rings 8pm I just back from hunting trip. While I cleaning my AR15 the door bell rings. My mom keeps screaming get the door and I got you get the door and she's like I don't know who it is. O, and I do Before I go down the stairs I grab a 30 round mag from next to my safe (It was empty). I get to the door and open it.
Me: Who the fuck are you.
Them: We are morons.
Me: Morons you say?
Them: Moroms.
Mom: who is it.
Me: It's the fuckin morons.
Me: What do you want.
Them: We want to tell you that God is returning soon.
Me: Why do you think I have this gun.

Slams door thats it.

I'm so going to hell.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 11:26:58 AM EDT
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 11:31:00 AM EDT
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 11:39:12 AM EDT

Originally Posted By blacklisted:
...They will flee this evil domicile with the haste of angry wasps...




Since when do angry wasps hastily flee?
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 11:44:46 AM EDT

Originally Posted By 13thWarrior:
Door bell rings 8pm I just back from hunting trip. While I cleaning my AR15 the door bell rings. My mom keeps screaming get the door and I got you get the door and she's like I don't know who it is. O, and I do Before I go down the stairs I grab a 30 round mag from next to my safe (It was empty). I get to the door and open it.
Me: Who the fuck are you.
Them: We are morons.
Me: Morons you say?
Them: Moroms.
Mom: who is it.
Me: It's the fuckin morons.
Me: What do you want.
Them: We want to tell you that God is returning soon.
Me: Why do you think I have this gun.

Slams door thats it.



I'm so going to hell.





LMAO!!!!!

I'll be nice to the non cultists, had some babtist high schoolers come by once. I'll be polite for them. But I hate the JW's.

I work at home so I see them more than most, and for the JW's I'll let them get into their opening pitch and tell them if I listen to them they have to listen to me. Then I tell them that I am a Satanist, and invite them in. I'm very polite but for some reason they never accept.

One time it was 2 middle aged sour faced women. I saw them come up the drive way. So I took my shirt off and put some water on my face and told my wife to count to 30 after I open the door. So I'm there in my boxers and then my wife yells from the bedroom that she is still honey and I need to finish her off. I told the ladies they could wait on the couch and I'll be right back. Man I wish I had a camera that day
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 11:59:56 AM EDT
1. Hang a US flag near your front door.

2. The next time JW shows up, tell them they can come in as soon as they say The Pledge of Allegiance with you.

3. Watch JW leave quickly.



Link Posted: 3/18/2006 12:10:03 PM EDT
A little known fact:

If they come pounding on your door with a plate of pancakes, they are Jemimah's Witnesses.

True dat.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 12:16:18 PM EDT
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 12:17:11 PM EDT

Originally Posted By zanthope:
A little known fact:

If they come pounding on your door with a plate of pancakes, they are Jemimah's Witnesses.

True dat.



Link Posted: 3/18/2006 12:19:08 PM EDT
JW: They Devil is a comeing!!!!!!!
Me: and a I got a me GUN!
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 12:22:13 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Rodent:

Originally Posted By blacklisted:
...They will flee this evil domicile with the haste of angry wasps...




Since when do angry wasps hastily flee?



SINCE I FOUGHT THEM OFF WITH POISON AND HIGH PRESSURE WATER!
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 12:27:37 PM EDT
What about Jawa Witnesses?
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 12:33:11 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Swindle1984:
What about Jawa Witnesses?



Java Witnesses.

They bring coffee and donuts.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 12:35:21 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Swindle1984:
What about Jawa Witnesses?



These are not the droids you are looking for.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 12:36:45 PM EDT

Originally Posted By adair_usmc:

Originally Posted By Swindle1984:
What about Jawa Witnesses?



These are not the droids you are looking for.



You "witnesses" better get off my property, or you're going to witness a horrific murder.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 12:45:55 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/18/2006 12:46:54 PM EDT by PeteCO]
While I too have wanted at times to answer the door with an erection covered in motor oil and jumper cables clamped to my nipples, I realize that they are just doing the work of their church and mean ho harm.

I did have some Mormom missionaries next door to me help me move once, which I appreciated. They worked harder for free than most people I have hired to do work.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 12:50:42 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Cipo:
1. Hang a US flag near your front door.

2. The next time JW shows up, tell them they can come in as soon as they say The Pledge of Allegiance with you.

3. Watch JW leave quickly.






What's up with that?
I am going to ask my JW co-worker on Monday.

I give him major shit all the time. Shit like this:
"Jesus died on the "I".
"What does YOUR bible have to say about it?"
"Who wrote your bible?"
"Ever stop to think that maybe YOUR god would like a break from you?"
"Is that pagon too?"
"Would you get pissed if a Army recruiter came to your door"
"DON'T come to my house."
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 1:27:25 PM EDT
Q: Do you know what do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian? . . .



A: Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason at all . . . .


( . . . thank you, thank you very much . . . thanks for coming. you've been great. enjoy the buffet . . . )


Link Posted: 3/18/2006 1:47:51 PM EDT
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 1:59:20 PM EDT
I was approached yesterday by a JW.

I told her "No, thank you" twice and she left.

It was handled politely by all parties. No big deal.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 2:05:30 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Johnny_Reno:
I was approached yesterday by a JW.

I told her "No, thank you" twice and she left.

It was handled politely by all parties. No big deal.



But thats NO FUN at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Just think of all the good crazy people stories you can give them to tell their friends! You are actually doing them a favor by having fun. I bet they have contests to see who got the biggest whack jobs on their route!

Link Posted: 3/18/2006 2:08:20 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Ginger:
I usually keep repeating the words "Not Interested" until they leave.



It's very effective.

As is saying "It's your lucky day, Rex! More witnesses!! SICK EM!!!"
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 2:09:58 PM EDT

Originally Posted By 13thWarrior:
Door bell rings 8pm I just back from hunting trip. While I cleaning my AR15 the door bell rings. My mom keeps screaming get the door and I got you get the door and she's like I don't know who it is. O, and I do Before I go down the stairs I grab a 30 round mag from next to my safe (It was empty). I get to the door and open it.
Me: Who the fuck are you.
Them: We are morons.
Me: Morons you say?
Them: Moroms.
Mom: who is it.
Me: It's the fuckin morons.
Me: What do you want.
Them: We want to tell you that God is returning soon.
Me: Why do you think I have this gun.

Slams door thats it.

I'm so going to hell.



Yes, but it is for entirely different reasons than you think.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 2:10:47 PM EDT

Originally Posted By zanthope:
A little known fact:

If they come pounding on your door with a plate of pancakes, they are Jemimah's Witnesses.

True dat.





This is what I love about ARFCOM.
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 3:47:11 PM EDT
No Bible Thumpers Emblem

www.evolvefish.com/fish/emblems.html
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 4:03:58 PM EDT
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 4:12:15 PM EDT

Originally Posted By 0ldGuy:
No Bible Thumpers Emblem

www.evolvefish.com/fish/emblems.html



That's great...but did you see they have the FSM?



My Mother always had the best solution, a simple sign on the mailbox that read:

We respect your choice of religion, please have the courtesy to respect ours.
Do not ring the bell. Do not knock on the door. Thanks you.


No Expert
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 6:05:02 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/18/2006 6:06:22 PM EDT by cmjohnson]
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 6:07:43 PM EDT
Ahh good, its been awhile since a JW thread!
Link Posted: 3/18/2006 6:32:16 PM EDT

Originally Posted By 13thWarrior:
Door bell rings 8pm I just back from hunting trip. While I cleaning my AR15 the door bell rings. My mom keeps screaming get the door and I got you get the door and she's like I don't know who it is. O, and I do Before I go down the stairs I grab a 30 round mag from next to my safe (It was empty). I get to the door and open it.
Me: Who the fuck are you.
Them: We are morons.
Me: Morons you say?
Them: Moroms.
Mom: who is it.
Me: It's the fuckin morons.
Me: What do you want.
Them: We want to tell you that God is returning soon.
Me: Why do you think I have this gun.

Slams door thats it.

I'm so going to hell.



Not to change the subject of this thread but......................How old are you big man? Your momma told you to get the door, and you had an AR-15 (airsoft) in your hands so you told the nice Mormon boys to F...off? You didn't hear them correctly and thought they said "morons". You funny boy, did you leave out the part when your momma slapped you upside your head for swearing? Or was this whole story made up to sound like a tough guy?
Arrow Left Previous Page
Page / 2
Top Top