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Posted: 3/17/2006 7:34:06 AM EDT
I called a restaurant once in Kodiak to make dinner reservations. I asked the phone receptionist, "Do you have reservations?"

"Just bestiality," she replied.

I took my dinner date somewhere else and the following evening I went straight to the place to meet that woman. I figured that any woman with THAT kind of a sense of humor was worth meeting.
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 7:35:13 AM EDT
Did you meet her? If so, did you subsequently meat her?
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 7:36:41 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/17/2006 7:38:06 AM EDT by Corpis]

Originally Posted By Collin:
Did you meet her? If so, did you subsequently meat her?


Link Posted: 3/17/2006 7:36:52 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Collin:
Did you meet her? If so, did you subsequently meat her?





I'll leave that one to your imagination!
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 7:38:17 AM EDT
She'd get along well with my husband. He is the king of the one liners. My girlfriend will make her husband call and ask for me if its after the time my husband is generally home.
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 7:40:58 AM EDT
I went in to an auto parts store one day, in a bad mood because of my POS car at the time.
The counter man says "Can I help you?"
I replied "Yeah, I need an easy out."
He replies "Have you tried suicide?"

Link Posted: 3/17/2006 7:44:47 AM EDT

Originally Posted By gus:
I went in to an auto parts store one day, in a bad mood because of my POS car at the time.
The counter man says "Can I help you?"
I replied "Yeah, I need an easy out."
He replies "Have you tried suicide?"





That's a pretty good one!


(Suicide hotline. Hold, please.)
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 7:46:27 AM EDT

Originally Posted By gus:
I went in to an auto parts store one day, in a bad mood because of my POS car at the time.
The counter man says "Can I help you?"
I replied "Yeah, I need an easy out."
He replies "Have you tried suicide?"




I usually pointed to the for sale signs on the wall, the lighters on the counter, and the gas station across the street, or a combination of them.
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 7:49:56 AM EDT
Convience store purchase
Me: (setting Drink and snack on counter)
Clerk: $2.35 sir
ME: gives $3
Clerk: Would you like a bag?
Me: One is expensive enough, and she takes up alot of space
Clerk:
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 7:52:31 AM EDT
My friend is a truck driver. He went on and on one night about the new truck his company got. He is a pretty big guy, as am I.

He got to his favorite point in listing the features of the truck. The forklift mounted to the back.

He said. That fork lift is awesome, and a big help.
I said without skipping a beat, yeah, really helps you get in an out of the truck doesn’t it?

He and my other buddy were speechless for about 10 seconds before it hit and we all laughed our asses off.
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 7:54:17 AM EDT
I had this girlfriend a few years back and she worked as a waitress.

I was in the bar/grill where she worked and some dope snapped his fingers for her to come over. She walked over, said, "It takes more than two fingers to make me come" and walked away to another customer.

Link Posted: 3/17/2006 7:54:21 AM EDT
I can't recall getting a smart ass reply but I've given plenty.
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:00:21 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/17/2006 8:05:20 AM EDT by LadyLiberty]
It wasn't given to me, but I was present.

In high school, a friend of mine got a tattoo on her abdomen next to her belly button (this was before EVERYONE had a tattoo -- it was still relatively "rebellious"). It was still healing when we went to a church retreat at a Stepford-ish town a few hours away. We were sitting there talking and she was discreetly applying Neosporin to the tattoo when a trio of Barbie dolls walked up to us with their mouths agape. This story will be best read with a Valley Girl accent (we grew up in southern CA).

"Is that real?" asked the leader of the Barbie dolls.
"Nope, just applying Neosporin to a stick-on," replied my friend.
"So, it's going to be there forever?" Barbie asked.
"No, it'll go away in about three weeks," said my friend.

Barbie rolled her eyes, then asked snottily, "But what's going to happen when you get fat?"

To which my friend replied without missing a beat: "I don't know, what happened when YOU got fat?"

Maybe you had to be there, but the sheer comedic timing of the moment and the look on that poor girl's face as she walked away without another word was hilarious. (And no, she wasn't fat, but I'm sure she probably thought she was.)
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:08:16 AM EDT
College English Class...

Teacher: "Do we all know what a paradigm is?"

Me: "twenty cents"

Teacher: long pause, slowly turns around... "That's what I love about teaching..."

Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:14:12 AM EDT
From items that don't work well when written but do work when spoken:

While my wife was pregnant with the first child, the Doctor was explaining the episiotomy with a handy picture.

Doctor: During the episiotomy, we'll make a cut here and continue cutting this direction.

Me: That don't sound like it's appeasing any damn body.
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:25:22 AM EDT
I have a couple...

First story: There was this girl in high school who was hot for my chili, but I wasn't particularly interested, especially considering that I was already involved with someone else. Anyway, this girl loved to try and flirt with me in front of my girlfriend. Well the g/f and I were out running around one night, and bumped into this girl and a couple of her friends. They came up and said hi and then we left. We ended up running into them again at the restaurant and then later at Wally World. During the Wal-Mart encouter, here's what transpired:

Her: DAAAAAAAAAAAAVE, are you FOLLOWING me? h.gif
Me: No, I'm just doing a really shitty job of avoiding you.

Second story: There's this girl I work with (we'll call her Sherry) who is a complete idiot and annoying as hell. She has a grandson who is involved in everything under the sun, and Sherry is always sending out all staff emails to notify us of whatever she's peddling to raise money for her grandson's activities that week. The day of the little incident, she was selling candy bars if I remember correctly, and it was someone's birthday. I was on my way back from the lounge with a HUGE piece of chocolate cake and some ice cream and Sherry stopped me.

Her: Hey Dave! Why don't you buy some candy for my grandson's baseball team?
Me (tears welling): Sherry... I'm DIABETIC!!
Her: OMG, I'm so sorry...
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:26:42 AM EDT
A rather skanky girl at work got her bellybutton pierced and was showing it to a crowd of guys. Another girl walked up and asked, “What did you get that for?” Before the skanky girl could answer, one of the guys piped up, “She needed a place to hang the air freshener.”
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:32:39 AM EDT
Joking around at the office last summer:

Office guy 1: "Nice shirt... your wife find it on clearance?"

Office guy 2, without missing a beat: "Nice sweater, your mom grow out of it?"


Maybe you had to be there, but no one could breath for a while.


- BG
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:36:04 AM EDT
Some innocent AFRCOMer: I can't get the spell check to turn on

Me: Did you rub it and talk dirty to it?
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:36:35 AM EDT
Oh, there have been a few around the office.

Project Manager: "There is no I in Team"
Me: "Agreed, but there *is* an 'M' and an 'E' ".

Sales Guy: "Hey, I just wanted to ping you regarding a customer question"
Me: "Echo"
Sales Guy: "Excuse me?"
Me: "Echo"
Sales Guy: "Are you okay?"
Me: "Echo"

Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:38:17 AM EDT
At a meeting;

Boss, "Anyone have anything to add?"

My buddy Mikey, "Yeah, I just wanted to let you know that the ointment you gave me took care of the rash right away. The blisters are still there a little, but the oozing has stopped...."
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:39:42 AM EDT

Originally Posted By SubnetMask:
Oh, there have been a few around the office.

Project Manager: "There is no I in Team"
Me: "Agreed, but there *is* an 'M' and an 'E' ".

Sales Guy: "Hey, I just wanted to ping you regarding a customer question"
Me: "Echo"
Sales Guy: "Excuse me?"
Me: "Echo"
Sales Guy: "Are you okay?"
Me: "Echo"




As an IT guy, I salute you.

- BG
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:43:56 AM EDT
Blabber mouth woman at a party: "Blah,blah, blah....blah"

Me: "How 'bout exercising your right to free silence."
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:49:37 AM EDT

Originally Posted By BUCC_Guy:

Originally Posted By SubnetMask:
Oh, there have been a few around the office.

Project Manager: "There is no I in Team"
Me: "Agreed, but there *is* an 'M' and an 'E' ".

Sales Guy: "Hey, I just wanted to ping you regarding a customer question"
Me: "Echo"
Sales Guy: "Excuse me?"
Me: "Echo"
Sales Guy: "Are you okay?"
Me: "Echo"




As an IT guy, I salute you.

- BG



Is that supposed to be like a command prompt?
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:51:39 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/17/2006 8:52:56 AM EDT by IAMLEGEND]

Originally Posted By Alien:

Originally Posted By BUCC_Guy:

Originally Posted By SubnetMask:
Oh, there have been a few around the office.

Project Manager: "There is no I in Team"
Me: "Agreed, but there *is* an 'M' and an 'E' ".

Sales Guy: "Hey, I just wanted to ping you regarding a customer question"
Me: "Echo"
Sales Guy: "Excuse me?"
Me: "Echo"
Sales Guy: "Are you okay?"
Me: "Echo"




As an IT guy, I salute you.

- BG



Is that supposed to be like a command prompt?



Type ping and a coworkers IP address at the command prompt.

SubnetMask, nicely done. You could have said "bytes=32 time <1ms..."

Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:55:34 AM EDT
I used to do living history. You know, re-enactments. We answer ALOT of questions regarding our garb and tools and weaponry.
Well, the summer that my eldest was born, I dressed him in a period baby gown and was holding him when a group came thru the encampment.

One of the tour group asked, "Is that a REAL baby?"

Me, deadpan, "No, it's a reproduction."

Link Posted: 3/17/2006 8:59:36 AM EDT
Tagged... I probably got a few... but my mind has to warm up... it's noon, but to me, that's like 8am to you guys. ;)
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:10:44 AM EDT
Ex-mother-in-law must weigh 300 pounds minimum.
She sat on the floor one morning to rummage through her suitcase during a visit,
and her ass fat spread out..... like nothing I can compare it to.

Anyway, Ex-mother-in-law was rambling and whining about being sick for the last
two weeks, and just starting to feel better.

She said "The only good thing is I lost 15 pounds from not being able to eat anything".

I shot back "maybe you need to get sick a few dozen more times".

I don't miss my-ex wife one bit.

Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:16:15 AM EDT
Me: Hey, what are you doing this weekend?
Friend: Minding my own fucking business.



Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:17:52 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/17/2006 9:20:31 AM EDT by GonzoAR15-1]
As a joke, at a fraternity party in the 1990s, a friend and I decided to use the most "cheeseball" pick up lines we could think of.

I sauntered up to a little hottie of a lass, and asked her: "So, what's your sign...?"

Without batting an eye, she immediately responded:

"Slippery when wet."

I stammered a moment, regained my composure, and then sealed the deal. She was indeed slippery when wet.

Ah, college! What fun!

ETA:

A close second was a "pickup" at the bar. I bought a woman a drink, and we talked a bit. I asked her what her name was and she responded:

"My name is Monique. Try to remember it, because if things go the way I want you'll be moaning my name out loud later tonight."
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:23:02 AM EDT
This was after football practice in 8th grade. We had to run extra springs because someone had jumped offsides earlier in the practice and eveyone was bitching becuase we all had to run for his mistake.....

Coach: There's no "I" in team!
Me: *under my breath* There is if you spell it wrong.....
Coach: Start running

Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:23:33 AM EDT
I got a letter from my state motor vehicle a month after registering a new car. I had recieved my new license plates in the mail the week before.

The letter asked "What is the number of license plates that you recently recieved". I knew that they were asking what license number I was issued, but I replied "Two, one for the front and one for the rear. How many should I have gotten?" Never heard back from them.
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:23:44 AM EDT

I hate it when I don't think before I speak.

Standing in a mostly full elevator, just filled up. Talkin with two 'friends' (one's my boss, the other's a coworker), just shooting the shit. We're going up to like 15th, we're just passing the 2nd floor..3rd floor is HR, and there was nothing but hotties working in HR, so half the elevator was ..well, hotties.

I ask one of my friends what he did last week (it was a Monday)...he said he hung around the house, and played with the little guy. (Had a kid maybe 6 months ago)

Without thinking or missing a beat, I go "Ohh...so that's what you call it..."

All we heard was restrained laughter for the rest of our elevator journey. When the women got off at 3, you heard at least two of them start laughing way out loud before the elevator doors had finished closing.

Thank God he had a good sense of humor....
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:24:06 AM EDT

Originally Posted By GonzoAR15-1:
As a joke, at a fraternity party in the 1990s, a friend and I decided to use the most "cheeseball" pick up lines we could think of.

I sauntered up to a little hottie of a lass, and asked her: "So, what's your sign...?"

Without batting an eye, she immediately responded:

"Slippery when wet."

I stammered a moment, regained my composure, and then sealed the deal. She was indeed slippery when wet.

Ah, college! What fun!

ETA:

A close second was a "pickup" at the bar. I bought a woman a drink, and we talked a bit. I asked her what her name was and she responded:

"My name is Monique. Try to remember it, because if things go the way I want you'll be moaning my name out loud later tonight."



you dont have to lie to be cool with us, man
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:27:11 AM EDT

Originally Posted By gaspain:

Originally Posted By GonzoAR15-1:
As a joke, at a fraternity party in the 1990s, a friend and I decided to use the most "cheeseball" pick up lines we could think of.

I sauntered up to a little hottie of a lass, and asked her: "So, what's your sign...?"

Without batting an eye, she immediately responded:

"Slippery when wet."

I stammered a moment, regained my composure, and then sealed the deal. She was indeed slippery when wet.

Ah, college! What fun!

ETA:

A close second was a "pickup" at the bar. I bought a woman a drink, and we talked a bit. I asked her what her name was and she responded:

"My name is Monique. Try to remember it, because if things go the way I want you'll be moaning my name out loud later tonight."



you dont have to lie to be cool with us, man



When I think back to the kind of tail I got in college, as compared to the pitiful amount I get now, I kind of wish I were lying.

Thing is, the A-number-1 benefit of pledging a fraternity in college is the unreal amount of sex you get. Its like in the bylaws or something. Some of the girls are complete skans (we had one who had decided she was going to try and score with every guy in the house), but most of them are just women who were overly protected at home and wanted to "experiment" once they had some independence in college.

Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:31:17 AM EDT

Originally Posted By AJE:
Me: Hey, what are you doing this weekend?
Friend: Minding my own fucking business.


taxman? Is that you?
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:32:33 AM EDT

Originally Posted By mgamber:
College English Class...

Teacher: "Do we all know what a paradigm is?"

Me: "twenty cents"

Teacher: long pause, slowly turns around... "That's what I love about teaching..."




well done !
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:36:15 AM EDT

Originally Posted By The_Reaper:
Ex-mother-in-law must weigh 300 pounds minimum.
She sat on the floor one morning to rummage through her suitcase during a visit,
and her ass fat spread out..... like nothing I can compare it to.

Anyway, Ex-mother-in-law was rambling and whining about being sick for the last
two weeks, and just starting to feel better.

She said "The only good thing is I lost 15 pounds from not being able to eat anything".

I shot back "maybe you need to get sick a few dozen more times".

I don't miss my-ex wife one bit.




You, sir, certainly have a big pair! I salute you !
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:38:05 AM EDT

Originally Posted By AJE:
Me: Hey, what are you doing this weekend?
Friend: Minding my own fucking business.






That's a good one.
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:40:53 AM EDT

Originally Posted By AJE:
Me: Hey, what are you doing this weekend?
Friend: Minding my own fucking business.






I will use that!
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:45:14 AM EDT
A conversation between me and a LEO: Driving down the road, windows down and the road was blocked. All traffic was being turned around. I notice this and while waiting for the van in front of me the LEO signals me to go with an impatient look. ( I can't go anywhere 'til the van goes)

LEO: I don't have to draw you a picture do I?
Me: Yeah, hang on, let me get you a crayon
LEO:
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:49:53 AM EDT
A bunch of friends and I went to see some movie.

As I sat down next to Darryl and Peter, Peter (who is black) look at over at the drinks we were holding in a our laps and said "You guys have mediums, I have a large one", I blurted out "Bragging again, Peter?"

Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:52:05 AM EDT
I was talking to the x-girlfriends new boyfriend and asked how he liked getting all that used pussy. He says, “it’s not bad once you get past the used part.”
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:53:53 AM EDT

Originally Posted By nofolkinway:
I was talking to the x-girlfriends new boyfriend and asked how he liked getting all that used pussy. He says, “it’s not bad once you get past the used part.”




I used a very similar line on someone over twenty years ago.

Everyone told me that it was the first time they'd ever seen the guy speechless.
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:53:58 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/17/2006 10:02:50 AM EDT by Q3131A]

Originally Posted By BUCC_Guy:
Joking around at the office last summer:

Office guy 1: "Nice shirt... your wife find it on clearance?"

Office guy 2, without missing a beat: "Nice sweater, your mom grow out of it?"


Maybe you had to be there, but no one could breath for a while.


- BG



I can't breath now!

ETA: Best thread I have read in weeks.
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 10:11:29 AM EDT
Right after college, an ex asked me to take photos of her in a local beauty pageant she was competing in. There were so many hot women, I ended up taking photos of everyone and using all my film before the final round. She ended up winning and after the show comes to talk to me.

Her: "How do you think the pictures will come out?"
Me: "Umm... OK but I ran out of film 3/4 of the way through"
Her: "@#$@#$@#$ Why didn't you save some?????"
Me: "I didn't think you were going to win"

She's still mad at me.
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 10:13:29 AM EDT

Originally Posted By gaspain:

Originally Posted By GonzoAR15-1:
As a joke, at a fraternity party in the 1990s, a friend and I decided to use the most "cheeseball" pick up lines we could think of.

I sauntered up to a little hottie of a lass, and asked her: "So, what's your sign...?"

Without batting an eye, she immediately responded:

"Slippery when wet."

I stammered a moment, regained my composure, and then sealed the deal. She was indeed slippery when wet.

Ah, college! What fun!

ETA:

A close second was a "pickup" at the bar. I bought a woman a drink, and we talked a bit. I asked her what her name was and she responded:

"My name is Monique. Try to remember it, because if things go the way I want you'll be moaning my name out loud later tonight."



you dont have to lie to be cool with us, man






Damn...I was thinking the same exact thing.



Link Posted: 3/17/2006 10:16:02 AM EDT
I once asked a gentleman on the street..........
Do you have the time?
he responded...
You got the place?
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 10:22:35 AM EDT

Originally Posted By mjohn3006:

Originally Posted By AJE:
Me: Hey, what are you doing this weekend?
Friend: Minding my own fucking business.






I will use that!



Thats why I posted it... I've used it a couple times.
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 10:24:20 AM EDT

Originally Posted By nofolkinway:
I was talking to the x-girlfriends new boyfriend and asked how he liked getting all that used pussy. He says, “it’s not bad once you get past the used part.”



A guy I knew told me that he once saw his ex and her new boyfriend walking on the street. They stopped and talked and there was an akward silence. He said the guy was a real asshole so he said,

"I'm guessing you've gone down on her, so I was just wondering how my dick tastes?"
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 10:31:24 AM EDT
Ok, not mine but I saw it somewhere once...

"I heard one once that a guy got pulled over and the Policeman said to him "I've been waiting here all day for you", the driver then said "Sorry. I tried to get here as fast as I could"
Apparently the Officer was laughing so hard, he let the guy go with a warning."
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