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Posted: 3/16/2006 12:45:07 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/17/2006 9:16:56 AM EDT by TexRdnec]
this is my weekend with my son so therefore i have to have more in the fridge than just beer. oh how i loathe shopping.

anyway, i took my old i hate shopping rant and added the little annoyances of today to it as well

enjoy

i can't go to the store without coming away pissed at the entire human race..........................

you go to the store....................some no driving motherfuckers try to run over you several times while you're trying to find a parking space. by all means drive whichever direction you want down whichever row you'd like, pay no fucking attention whatsoever to the directions that the cars are parked you cumgargling queen..........you find a parking space, you park the farthest away possible because you know assholes care about their own cars but nobody elses. doesn't matter, seems worthless motherfuckers can wheel a shopping cart 400 yards to where they're parked, but not another 15 to put it in the shopping cart bin, your vehicle will end up dented anyway so be forewarned. just be careful not to bump any undercover cops, that can be a real bitch or so i've heard.

you emerge from your vehicle, hopeful you can go in and get your shit done without wishing for the total annihilation of the human race but thats a lofty goal and you really should know better by now. you lock your vehicle and secure everything in the back because things are so bad you can't trust to leave anything not tied down for 5 minutes. you proceed into the store but not until you've heard at least 5 songs with the title, apaprently being "fuck you you fucking motherucker hope you fucking die bitch" blaring out of a 1983 honda civic with racing stripes and a wing on the trunklid that looks like it was salvaged from a boeing 737. it's a front wheel drive you fucking tard, tell me again why exactly you need downforce on the rear wheels?

then you get to those lovely crosswalks that lead to the doors, wait until you see a decent gap so as to not inconvenience any drivers. doesn't work, you're forced to give the driver of a '94 geo metro with a hood scoop and flame paint job a look that says "so help me God i will rip off your balls and replace them as your eyes if you even think about fucking with me so you'd best yield" no doubt buddies with the 83 civic guy

i will concede that i love to watch the morons try to go into the automatic doors that are clearly marked with the big red sticker that says exit though. there are no fucking shopping carts as employees can't be made to actually work so you take one of those quick shop baskets for the 800 items you inevitably need. but not before some dickheads asking if you need coupons or your picture taken, free banking or a blowjob. its a fucking grocery store. i'm here for groceries, buy a fucking clue.

you've got a plan, you're going to go get your shit, check out and get the fuck out of there, if for no other reason than that fucking muzac they play. that never works, at every turn you're met by the two largest women you've ever seen in your life, that are apparently good friends, having a conversation in the middle of your aisle blocking the fucking cheesy poofs you thought you needed when you got there. guess what, you decide you can live without them, give the two beached whales a look befitting what they deserve and move to the next item.

ahhh. your fellow shoppers. how can you not love them? ahem, excuse me asswipe........contrary to your beliefs you are NOT the only asshole in here trying to go home with foodstuffs today, population of the world has long since moved past 1. wanna talk about the asslicking monkeyspank whose wife sent him to the store for her feminine products and he forgot which scented easy gliders he was supposed to get so he calls her up while standing in front of the nyquil/deodorant/whatever in the fuck it is that you need........."which kind snookiekins? what? you're breaking up, i can't hear you blah blah fucking blah" if she doesn't like what you get tell her to wrap a towel around her ass and go get them her own fucking self

heads up, no bitch, i don't want a free sample, if i did i'd come in there with a bib on and a personalized fucking fork, im here to shop so don't fuck with me.

you've all seen them, they'll go to the stack of cantaloupes and you can stand there, given the patience and watch them sniff every fucking one of them as if their spidey sense is going to give them the holy grail of cantaloupes. the one cantaloupe that can finally bring about world peace must be in there somewhere, right? this goes for other produce as well.

or the people that are absolutely ANAL about getting that freshest expiration date............they'll go through 80 gallons of milk to get one that says it expires 14 minutes after the other 79 gallons on display. i've got an idea, drink the shit then come back and buy more. cows have not yet dried up

how about the bread squeezers? if they werent all compressed from being jacked off by sally the super shopper they'd probably all be soft and fluffy. just fucking pick one and move the hell on, its 59 cents, buy 2 and discard any slices that aren't up to your standards

and is it absolutely necessary to read the ENTIRE label on that can of green beans? do they think there'll be small print somewhere where it says, "just fucking with you, this is really creamed corn?"

this isn't disneyland, the zoo, sea world, six flags or any combination thereof. so please explain to me why in the holy hell you felt it necessary to bring your entire fucking extended family to the store with you? moral support? do you have to vote on which brand of masa you'll be using for your tamales this year? need the extra weight to help level out a broken spring in your '74 continental?

organizational skills are lacking in the prepubescent hanicapped people that the stores love to hire so you're wandering around aimlessly for about an hour before you find the 6 fucking things you need. put the mustard somewhere near the bread? well hell no, put it next to the soup, that makes much more sense. HALLELUJAH, your job is complete.............or not, all you have to do is jump over half a dozen misbehaving kids throwing a fit in the middle of the floor and make it to a checkout conter!!!!!!!!!! you can even get in the quick checkout lane because you have less than 10 items!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well fuck, that didn't work out for you, the quick checkout lanes have about 87 times more people in them than the regular lanes (apparently morons think that a "quick checkout lane" is still faster than a regular one regarless of the fact that the lines reaches into the pissers at the back of the store. so you fall in line behind some bitch that apparently shops once every 4 years........................whatever, you're in it for the long haul, you need this shit, right?

oh good, yes, i absolutely agree that you should send your 5 year old little shit to aisle 509 so that he can get some frosty freezies your stupid ass forgot while i stand in line and watch my frozen foods thaw. and i don't want to inconvenience whoever in the fuck is at the end of extension 209 for that price check either. whenever they get around to it is peachy with me

and make sure you pay in either exact change that you have to dig through your coin purse forever for. well, that or write a check, but not too quickly cause i'm in no hurry whatsoever you selfish cunt

so you read the headlines on the national enquirer and associated bullshit magazines, start to doubt the future of the human race (but at this point who really gives a shit) and marvel at the freaks that are able to not only breathe unassisted but apparently also able to make it to the store.................

you get to the cashier and try to pay in cash but that's too difficult to count even for the computer assisted cashier so you just say fuck it and try to pay for it with a credit card. after the 5 minute spiel on whether or not its a credit or debit card you still come out ahead............

you encounter the same shit on your way out

i've come to the conclusion that i just hate people


Link Posted: 3/16/2006 1:05:31 PM EDT
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 1:10:44 PM EDT
I love when I go into wal-mart with my step dad and come out with so much ammo it is droping from the bag and I go to get into the car and someone smashes the side of his car with the side of there car door and a few boxes of ammo just fall out of the bags.

Thank god my dad's car is a old crown vic and it is a fuckin tank.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 1:14:06 PM EDT
tag for later
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 1:24:22 PM EDT
This is like the soccer-mom version of the typical gun-show rant thread.

When Wifey was preggers, the little old ladies in the store could somehow sense weakness and they'd aim for her, I swear. I used to have to block for her. LOL... normally she just rams the soccer moms out of the way when they get confrontational.

Myself? I just don't make eye contact, and carry on doing what I'm doing... just plow through. I don't often go grocery shopping by myself, though. I usually end up getting too much non-essential crap and a lot of the WRONG stuff that my wife normally buys. When I go with her, I end up pissing her off and she tells me to go look at the gun magazines or something. Works for me!
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 1:49:51 PM EDT
I would say that you have a hostile outlook on life my man.

Enjoy what the store has to offer and get the hell out. No need to stress yourself out. Maybe switching to decaff would help.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 1:52:44 PM EDT
I don't think you swear enough.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 1:54:36 PM EDT
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 1:54:57 PM EDT
Someone needs a cuddle party!
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 1:56:53 PM EDT
Somebody want to fix the grammar and spelling, because when I try to read that, I feel like crying.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 2:00:21 PM EDT
Classic. Absolutely classic. I think that rant belongs up there with McUzi's cut down post.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 2:08:05 PM EDT
here's my favorite part....and is it absolutely necessary to read the ENTIRE label on that can of green beans? do they think there'll be small print somewhere where it says, "just fucking with you, this is really creamed corn?"



Link Posted: 3/17/2006 5:40:12 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/17/2006 5:41:50 AM EDT by TexRdnec]

I would say that you have a hostile outlook on life my man.

Enjoy what the store has to offer and get the hell out. No need to stress yourself out. Maybe switching to decaff would help.



i don't drink coffee. life is too short to put up with other peoples bullshit.


I don't think you swear enough.



what can i say? i'm fucking working on it, ok?!?!


Somebody want to fix the grammar and spelling, because when I try to read that, I feel like crying.



Link Posted: 3/17/2006 7:43:41 AM EDT
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:26:05 AM EDT

Originally Posted By -brass-:

Originally Posted By TexRdnec:

I don't think you swear enough.



what can i say? i'm fucking working on it, ok?!?!




You don't have it in you. You are just a nice guy. Not your fault.



i do it because i care



BTW, unfortunately i may have to expand on this further because i have to go shopping today. again.

im supposed to make some kind of finger food bullshit but i'm drawing a blank.............any ideas as to what i can make for about 20 people to snack on for around $50 or so?
Link Posted: 3/17/2006 9:27:52 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TexRdnec:
BTW, unfortunately i may have to expand on this further because i have to go shopping today. again.

im supposed to make some kind of finger food bullshit but i'm drawing a blank.............any ideas as to what i can make for about 20 people to snack on for around $50 or so?




Cut some bait, tell 'em it's sushi

Link Posted: 3/17/2006 10:01:55 AM EDT
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