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Posted: 3/16/2006 10:56:11 AM EDT
Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that
was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my
fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.

I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost
me a lot of things.

I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you I don't care about looking bad
anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us
does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see,
but they're not you They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home
with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the
depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect
bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you.
I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass
that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought,
look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?
Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?
I doubt it.

And I'd never really thought of that before.I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a
little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt,
I found myself thinking,
"Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something
else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?
And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch.
Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just
going crazy without you.
And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday
Inn lounge last year?
Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna.
She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around.
I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the
real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you
know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster
in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does
when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether
the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we
can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too.
Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the
mirror on the floor?
We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it
as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining
order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty
good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me
during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you
and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together,
Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I
can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18.
And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the
whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you
about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your
baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie.

In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could
start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I
think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is??


Love, John

Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:03:58 AM EDT
Classic
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:08:52 AM EDT
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:15:41 AM EDT
"And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the
whole anal thing"

I almost stopped readin because I thought it was real... until I saw the laughing smilies at the bottom.

That's some seriously funny shit. Thanks for the laugh.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:15:43 AM EDT
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:19:39 AM EDT

Originally Posted By GeorgiaBII:
Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that
was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my
fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.

I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost
me a lot of things.

I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you I don't care about looking bad
anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us
does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see,
but they're not you They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home
with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the
depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect
bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you.
I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass
that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought,
look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?
Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?
I doubt it.

And I'd never really thought of that before.I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a
little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt,
I found myself thinking,
"Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something
else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?
And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch.
Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just
going crazy without you.
And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday
Inn lounge last year?
Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna.
She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around.
I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the
real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you
know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster
in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does
when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether
the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we
can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too.
Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the
mirror on the floor?
We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it
as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining
order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty
good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me
during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you
and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together,
Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I
can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18.
And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the
whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you
about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your
baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie.

In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could
start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I
think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is??


Love, John








Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:19:46 AM EDT


Holy shit is that funny!

This thread deserves to be tacked.

Classic...absolutely f*#&@%g classic...
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:22:20 AM EDT
Oh shit! I laughed so hard I litterly had tears on my eyes. Oh man. I need AIR! Can't breathe!
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:22:31 AM EDT
An oldie but a goodie.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:29:54 AM EDT
I needed that
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:40:31 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Nimrod1193:
An oldie but a goodie.



Yep.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:43:58 AM EDT
Oh shit.. I haven't laughed so hard in ages.

Thanks!!!!
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:47:52 AM EDT
Now that's priceless
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:52:36 AM EDT
Cinnamon ring .

I got to write that one down.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:54:15 AM EDT


seen it before, but it always makes me laugh.

classic!


Link Posted: 3/16/2006 11:55:29 AM EDT
I am so tempted to print this out for a friend of mine. He's contemplating divorcing his wife of 32 years. For the past 15 years she has denied him sex and has him on such a tight choke chain the poor man can barely breathe.

Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:00:08 PM EDT
I needed that laugh too, thanks for sharing.

Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:00:45 PM EDT
LOL...

Thanks... I needed that laught today...

Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:00:51 PM EDT

Originally Posted By pattymcn:
I am so tempted to print this out for a friend of mine. He's contemplating divorcing his wife of 32 years. For the past 15 years she has denied him sex and has him on such a tight choke chain the poor man can barely breathe.






Patty, any excuse for this or is she just being mean?
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:06:55 PM EDT
OMG! That was funny.

Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:07:20 PM EDT

Originally Posted By happycynic:

Originally Posted By pattymcn:
I am so tempted to print this out for a friend of mine. He's contemplating divorcing his wife of 32 years. For the past 15 years she has denied him sex and has him on such a tight choke chain the poor man can barely breathe.






Patty, any excuse for this or is she just being mean?



I have no idea. Lets just put it this way, the woman scares the bejeepers out of me. I don't really think she likes men. But more then that I think she's just a control freak.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:08:25 PM EDT

Originally Posted By pattymcn:
I am so tempted to print this out for a friend of mine. He's contemplating divorcing his wife of 32 years. For the past 15 years she has denied him sex and has him on such a tight choke chain the poor man can barely breathe.




That man needs to go get some ass. Soon.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:10:35 PM EDT
Funny stuff.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:13:25 PM EDT
Great.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:13:55 PM EDT
Great Read, especially the cinnamon ring part.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:15:16 PM EDT
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:16:26 PM EDT

Originally Posted By WizardOfAhs:
Oh shit! I laughed so hard I litterly had tears on my eyes. Oh man. I need AIR! Can't breathe!



+1, and I have a rolled up newspaper stuck in my yap so they won't hear me hoot down the hall.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:17:21 PM EDT
That's funny every time. Now matter how many times a year I see that.
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:18:45 PM EDT

Originally Posted By PinPointOne:
Cinnamon ring .

I got to write that one down.



I damn near fell out of my seat when I read that!!!
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:20:15 PM EDT
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:26:45 PM EDT
Link Posted: 3/16/2006 12:28:08 PM EDT
lol....that's awesome
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