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Posted: 3/7/2006 1:18:56 AM EDT
I am a nursing instructor in a large city. I send student to rotations through surgery. They have to write papers on the aspects and experience of the rotation.

He gets all gowned up walks in the surgical suite to see a man in stirups. Weird, what is this a prostate surgery, nope. The Dr. shoves an instrument in his ass and pulls out a large dildo. His report described it as very large in nature.

How fucking embarrased could this guy be. I bet he wanted to crawl under a rock. My student said he talked to no one and would not make eye contact.

Weird world!

Bob
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 1:20:09 AM EDT
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 1:25:06 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/7/2006 1:25:43 AM EDT by cajunboy]
I once saw a copy of an x-ray of an anal-inserted beer bottle from the previous shift. It was funny because you could read the label on the film.

Link Posted: 3/7/2006 1:26:11 AM EDT

Originally Posted By cajunboy:
I once saw a copy of an x-ray of an anal-inserted beer bottle. It was funny because you could read the label on the film.




Honest to god doc,it was a one in a million shot.
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 1:32:21 AM EDT
A few months ago there was a guy that can in the hospital I work at with a giant cucumber up his ass. Apparently his wife was waiting for him. Someone kept a copy of the x-ray.
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 1:35:24 AM EDT
sorry I clicked on this thread
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 1:39:04 AM EDT
that would suck to trip and fall on a dildo like that
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 1:56:00 AM EDT

Originally Posted By gaspain:
that would suck to trip and fall on a dildo like that



Lemme guess...

His wife left her dildo in the shower...he slipped and fell, and the dildo somehow ended up in his ass
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 2:02:43 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/7/2006 2:02:56 AM EDT by HunterGren]

Originally Posted By cajunboy:
I once saw a copy of an x-ray of an anal-inserted beer bottle from the previous shift. It was funny because you could read the label on the film.





The live 40mm he grenade was worse that pic is on the web somewhere.
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 2:07:32 AM EDT
ALWAYS pick up after yourself.



If my kids were older I would show them this as an example
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 2:12:14 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/7/2006 2:23:44 AM EDT by pv74]
Classic website.....Rectal Foreign Bodies..

www.well.com/www/cynsa/newbutt.html





Link Posted: 3/7/2006 2:15:02 AM EDT

Originally Posted By HunterGren:

Originally Posted By cajunboy:
I once saw a copy of an x-ray of an anal-inserted beer bottle from the previous shift. It was funny because you could read the label on the film.





The live 40mm he grenade was worse that pic is on the web somewhere.




I was bored, so I did some googling.




Found here
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 2:24:40 AM EDT
Somebody fell on their 38!


Link Posted: 3/7/2006 2:36:38 AM EDT

Originally Posted By pv74:
Classic website.....Rectal Foreign Bodies..

www.well.com/www/cynsa/newbutt.html



i2.tinypic.com/qxucyu.jpg





ouch
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 2:59:22 AM EDT
The town i live in hosts Alaska's MAximum Security prison, Spring Creek Correctional Facility. I know a few of the guards that work there and of course have heard the stories. In the "Big House" the art form of hiding objects in one's ass is affectionately known as "Keestering".

One inmate over there is known to have Keestered a 6" in diameter floor drain cover. Another was caught with a plastic bag in his rectum containing a cell phone (turned on and set on vibrate), its charger, 2 oz of loose tobacco, and rolling papers. His being found out spawned a slew of antics among the prisoners and guards, usually jokes containing the phrase "Can you hear me now?....Good."

Link Posted: 3/7/2006 3:00:26 AM EDT
Before removing it, maybe the doctor should have checked to see if all he wanted was the batteries changed.
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 3:04:52 AM EDT
How appropriate that this subject come up this morning. Just hours ago, I sent an ambulance to a house because a guy had been talking on a 1-900 talk-dirty line and LOST A CARROT UP HIS ASS!
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 3:25:52 AM EDT

Originally Posted By yekimak:
The town i live in hosts Alaska's MAximum Security prison, Spring Creek Correctional Facility. I know a few of the guards that work there and of course have heard the stories. In the "Big House" the art form of hiding objects in one's ass is affectionately known as "Keestering".

One inmate over there is known to have Keestered a 6" in diameter floor drain cover. Another was caught with a plastic bag in his rectum containing a cell phone (turned on and set on vibrate), its charger, 2 oz of loose tobacco, and rolling papers. His being found out spawned a slew of antics among the prisoners and guards, usually jokes containing the phrase "Can you hear me now?....Good."




But the reception was shitty.........................
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 3:33:39 AM EDT

Originally Posted By OLY-M4gery:

Originally Posted By yekimak:
The town i live in hosts Alaska's MAximum Security prison, Spring Creek Correctional Facility. I know a few of the guards that work there and of course have heard the stories. In the "Big House" the art form of hiding objects in one's ass is affectionately known as "Keestering".

One inmate over there is known to have Keestered a 6" in diameter floor drain cover. Another was caught with a plastic bag in his rectum containing a cell phone (turned on and set on vibrate), its charger, 2 oz of loose tobacco, and rolling papers. His being found out spawned a slew of antics among the prisoners and guards, usually jokes containing the phrase "Can you hear me now?....Good."




But the reception was shitty.........................



Link Posted: 3/7/2006 3:42:46 AM EDT
That's nothing. After the holidays we had to send a guy to Surg for an Exploratory to remove a dildo that looked like a snow man yard decoration. He had his butty shove it in at midnight on new years and didn't come in until a week later. He got a colostomy.
It was so big I didn't see it immediately on the x-ray. I took up his whole decending colon!


(then there was the guy last month who tried to put his dick in a Rotweilers mouth.....open scrotum for him.
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 3:48:08 AM EDT
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 4:04:57 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/7/2006 4:05:28 AM EDT by efpeter]
I talked to a medic.... (?? What the hell do you call civilian medics? The guys who ride on ambulances.....I know there is another term for it) anyway.... He was done with a run, dropping someone off, but there was something going on in the ER. A woman had lost a vibrator, and it was still switched on. The entire staff knew about it, and was hovering around. A doctor finally extracted it, and I guess he put it on one of those stainless steel carts, which amplified the sound as it bounced around and hummed! I guess the whole hallway erupted in laughter! Gotta feel bad for her, but it is pretty funny.



ETA they are EMT's!
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 4:06:54 AM EDT
So I guess that saying IS true...."Idle hinds are the devil's playground!!!"
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 4:09:26 AM EDT
No way in heck am I tagging this thread.
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 5:23:28 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/7/2006 5:27:42 AM EDT by snuffy19608]
Actually, most people call medics...medics. EMT's are a lower level of certification. That isn't a cut on them or anything, it just means they haven't taken or aren't taking the medic course yet. Where I work it's a MICU concept- one EMT and one medic on a truck.

In Pa. you have EMT-B(BASIC),EMT-P(PARAMEDIC). The DOH just announced they're coming out with an Intermediate level that other states have had for awhile, but nothing's been announced about classes yet.

I've never seen any patients like this myself, but I did date a girl for awhile who lost a french tickler inside during sex. Her then boyfriend and her spent about 90 minutes frantically trying to get it out, once they did she said she didn't let him touch her for a week.
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 5:26:39 AM EDT
Remember the story a few months back about the trout
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 5:28:31 AM EDT
This thread requires posting of the Concrete Enema pics.





Story at www.well.com/user/cynsa/cement.html
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 5:28:54 AM EDT

Originally Posted By odontia32m:
.........shoves an instrument in his ass and pulls out a large dildo. ..... Weird world!



He was just partying "Brokeback Mountain" style!!!



Link Posted: 3/7/2006 5:29:48 AM EDT

Originally Posted By mjohn3006:
No way in heck am I tagging this thread.



Ya just did...
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 5:30:14 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/7/2006 5:31:17 AM EDT by gardenWeasel]
Originally Posted By 2A373:
Somebody fell on their 38!



Either that or he decided to draw down on a grizzly.
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 5:36:30 AM EDT
Remember on Jackass where the guy had the toy car up his butt? The east Indian Doc says something like:

"Better you dont tell anybody about this. Already too many people know."
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 4:53:18 PM EDT

Originally Posted By captainpooby:
Remember on Jackass where the guy had the toy car up his butt? The east Indian Doc says something like:

"Better you dont tell anybody about this. Already too many people know."



Thats some funny shit right there.
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 5:00:24 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Taxman:
Remember the story a few months back about the trout




Brown trout?


-K
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 5:09:54 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Special-K:

Originally Posted By Taxman:
Remember the story a few months back about the trout




Brown trout?


-K


I thought they determined it was really a Halibutt?
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 5:36:53 PM EDT

Originally Posted By pv74:
Classic website.....Rectal Foreign Bodies..

www.well.com/www/cynsa/newbutt.html



i2.tinypic.com/qxucyu.jpg




NOT ONLY NO BUT, HELL NO!
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 5:39:27 PM EDT

Originally Posted By HELOBRAVO:
That's nothing. After the holidays we had to send a guy to Surg for an Exploratory to remove a dildo that looked like a snow man yard decoration. He had his butty shove it in at midnight on new years and didn't come in until a week later. He got a colostomy.
It was so big I didn't see it immediately on the x-ray. I took up his whole decending colon!


(then there was the guy last month who tried to put his dick in a Rotweilers mouth.....open scrotum for him.





I don't know why, but that makes me laugh! Just how stupid can a person be?
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 6:03:46 PM EDT
My dad had to remove a cucumber from someone's hole and another doc had to remove a pointy Christmas tree ornament.
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 6:10:10 PM EDT
Its always either "I slipped and fell on it" or "My wife put it up there" ( sure buddy, whatever), IIRC.

Kharn
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 7:25:12 PM EDT

Originally Posted By 2A373:
Somebody fell on their 38!





No, someone finally caught Imbroglio taking snap shots of license plates at the range.

Lucky for him he left his 10/22 at home.
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 7:40:36 PM EDT
A on-air television personality from Springfield, IL went to the ER one night when her vibrator's removable attachment got, ahem, detached inside her vaginal cavity somewhere (hold the jokes about the echo... about the echo...). This was about 15 years ago, about the time I was graduating from the UI.

A professor from a nearby community college was copulating with her German Shepherd and became attached to said dog after said dog finished the act (don't ask me how). Ambulance/Fire rescue were dispatched.

A friend works the ER at one the hospitals here locally (Champaign-Urbana, IL) and says rectal insertion problems occur at least once a month. Gerbils and other similar critters roughly quarterly.

In a county of a couple hundred thousand. Now that's scary.

John
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 8:04:18 PM EDT

Originally Posted By gardenWeasel:
Originally Posted By 2A373:
Somebody fell on their 38!


img.photobucket.com/albums/v391/2A373/smgunxray.jpg
Either that or he decided to draw down on a grizzly.


Now that's a strange boating accident.z
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 8:05:02 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/7/2006 8:20:29 PM EDT by red_on_black]
For continued medical hilarity, I bring you the "Things I Learned from My Patients" thread from studentdoctor.net's residency forums. You'll laugh, you'll cry. It's a moving experience. (Don't start reading unless you have some time-- it is very long and very addicting.)

edited for spelling...
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 8:13:03 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Special-K:

Originally Posted By Taxman:
Remember the story a few months back about the trout




Brown trout?


-K



Rainbow............Trout..........
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 8:24:29 PM EDT
How the hell does something just get away from you ?

Jesus, somebody needs to make a six foot dildo or something. You know, something you can tie off to the bedside before play time?

Link Posted: 3/7/2006 8:45:35 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Barrelburner:
sorry I clicked on this thread



I quite agree.


Woody
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 8:54:30 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/7/2006 8:56:27 PM EDT by pcsutton]

Originally Posted By 2A373:
Somebody fell on their 38!





"If you sweep me again with that fucking muzle, I'm gonna stick that goddamn popgun up your ass!"

Link Posted: 3/7/2006 9:00:09 PM EDT
Someone find the trout thread.

It probly the funniest thing I have ever read on ARFCOM
Link Posted: 3/7/2006 9:06:56 PM EDT
archive.ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=375418


Poseted by Sewer_Urchin

Being an EMT, I never run out of crazy stories. Most of the time, I'm a taxi cab, but every once in a while someone tries to die. When someone decides to stop breathing or pumping blood, I keep them breathing and keep thier heart beating until we get to a hospital, at which point they can do whatever they damn well please. Our time is usually many days of routine boring shit interupted every other week or so by something crazy. But every once in a great while we get a call that is totally out of this world. This story is one of them. We were stationed shootin' the shit when we got a page, for:

Priority: 1
chief complaint: Pelvis
Address: 1234 some street Private residence.
Dest: ABC Hospital

Priority 1, we are on the way. With a C/C of pelvis, I naturally assumed that an elderly pt. fell and broke thier hip or factured their pelvis. I went over the mental checklist of what I would do. C-Spine em'. If it is a Femur fx: Sager etc. Unbeknowst to me, my entire reality about human decency and morality was about to be shattered.

We get on scene and a guy is with his boyfriend. Boyfriend is face down with his pants around his ankles grunting in pain with his teeth clenched. Upon further inspection, we see a fish tail sticking out of his ass. I'm not talking about a gold fish or a guppy mind you. Oh, no, no, no! I'm talking what looked like a 1lb. trout! A frickin' foot long trout that you might find in the seafood department of your local super store. And only about 3" of the tail were sticking out, meaning that most of the 1 pound or so was stuck up in there. By simply looking at the tail, one could easiliy tell that this wasn't any normal fish. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My emmotions went from confusion, to shock, to sheer horror, and then to hysterical laughter. Try as I might I had to check myself several times to keep from bursting into uncontrollable laughter.

Apperently, the fish was being used as a dildo, which is fine I guess (hey, whatever floats your boat), but it was frozen. Upon thawing, the scales expanded and did not allow the fish to come back out. The b/f tried pulling it out using several different methods including lubrication and pulling but nothing worked. Never in my wildest days would I have thought of sticking a fish up anyone's ass, and I would never have thought that scales would expand to the point that they would cut or prohibit pulling it out. After some descussion with my partner, we decided that we were not going to pull it out and that we were going to take the poor idiot to the ER and let them take care of it. What do you say to a guy with a fish stuck up his ass? Partner and I have been damaged and will not ever be the same again. During our break, we went into a grocery store and walked by the fish isle. When we saw the fish, we were rolling on the floor laughing. We then came up with a few lines we should have said the the guy when we had him. Oh how I wish I would have thought up these gems while we were enroute to the ER:

"No more cucumbers huh?"
"Was the vegetable crisper out of carrots?"
"You fucking idiot! Wrap it in a condom first. "
"Chew your food before you swallow."
"Are you Luco Bratzi? Because I hear he sleeps with the fishes"

I'm never going to see fish the same way ever again. Truth truely is stranger than fiction. After seeing movies like "brining out the dead", and shows like "ER", "Third Watch", this one takes the cake. TV writters got nothing on me!. What would you have said to this guy? Although I know it would have resulted in my suspension and possible firing, I would have loved to have told the guy any of the above lines.

edited to add: It has been brought to my attention that trout don't have scales and that it probably was the fins/gills keeping the fish from coming out and not scales. I don't know much about fish or fishing, but I have caught a trout before. I still think it was a trout, but the thing holding it in there was probably something other than scales.


Link Posted: 3/7/2006 9:15:21 PM EDT

Originally Posted By JBowles:
archive.ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=375418


Poseted by Sewer_Urchin

Being an EMT, I never run out of crazy stories. Most of the time, I'm a taxi cab, but every once in a while someone tries to die. When someone decides to stop breathing or pumping blood, I keep them breathing and keep thier heart beating until we get to a hospital, at which point they can do whatever they damn well please. Our time is usually many days of routine boring shit interupted every other week or so by something crazy. But every once in a great while we get a call that is totally out of this world. This story is one of them. We were stationed shootin' the shit when we got a page, for:

Priority: 1
chief complaint: Pelvis
Address: 1234 some street Private residence.
Dest: ABC Hospital

Priority 1, we are on the way. With a C/C of pelvis, I naturally assumed that an elderly pt. fell and broke thier hip or factured their pelvis. I went over the mental checklist of what I would do. C-Spine em'. If it is a Femur fx: Sager etc. Unbeknowst to me, my entire reality about human decency and morality was about to be shattered.

We get on scene and a guy is with his boyfriend. Boyfriend is face down with his pants around his ankles grunting in pain with his teeth clenched. Upon further inspection, we see a fish tail sticking out of his ass. I'm not talking about a gold fish or a guppy mind you. Oh, no, no, no! I'm talking what looked like a 1lb. trout! A frickin' foot long trout that you might find in the seafood department of your local super store. And only about 3" of the tail were sticking out, meaning that most of the 1 pound or so was stuck up in there. By simply looking at the tail, one could easiliy tell that this wasn't any normal fish. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My emmotions went from confusion, to shock, to sheer horror, and then to hysterical laughter. Try as I might I had to check myself several times to keep from bursting into uncontrollable laughter.

Apperently, the fish was being used as a dildo, which is fine I guess (hey, whatever floats your boat), but it was frozen. Upon thawing, the scales expanded and did not allow the fish to come back out. The b/f tried pulling it out using several different methods including lubrication and pulling but nothing worked. Never in my wildest days would I have thought of sticking a fish up anyone's ass, and I would never have thought that scales would expand to the point that they would cut or prohibit pulling it out. After some descussion with my partner, we decided that we were not going to pull it out and that we were going to take the poor idiot to the ER and let them take care of it. What do you say to a guy with a fish stuck up his ass? Partner and I have been damaged and will not ever be the same again. During our break, we went into a grocery store and walked by the fish isle. When we saw the fish, we were rolling on the floor laughing. We then came up with a few lines we should have said the the guy when we had him. Oh how I wish I would have thought up these gems while we were enroute to the ER:

"No more cucumbers huh?"
"Was the vegetable crisper out of carrots?"
"You fucking idiot! Wrap it in a condom first. "
"Chew your food before you swallow."
"Are you Luco Bratzi? Because I hear he sleeps with the fishes"

I'm never going to see fish the same way ever again. Truth truely is stranger than fiction. After seeing movies like "brining out the dead", and shows like "ER", "Third Watch", this one takes the cake. TV writters got nothing on me!. What would you have said to this guy? Although I know it would have resulted in my suspension and possible firing, I would have loved to have told the guy any of the above lines.

edited to add: It has been brought to my attention that trout don't have scales and that it probably was the fins/gills keeping the fish from coming out and not scales. I don't know much about fish or fishing, but I have caught a trout before. I still think it was a trout, but the thing holding it in there was probably something other than scales.




Can't...Fucking...Breathe


Link Posted: 3/7/2006 9:15:30 PM EDT

Originally Posted By pv74:
Classic website.....Rectal Foreign Bodies..

www.well.com/www/cynsa/newbutt.html



i2.tinypic.com/qxucyu.jpg





"commercially available 20 x 4 cm rubber dildo"


As opposed to the "non commercially available" industrial model ????
Link Posted: 4/2/2006 10:48:50 PM EDT
Got linked to this page tonight and well I had to share.
My EX wife was a medical assistant at an independent urgent care facility many years ago. They get most of the freaks over the regular ER thinking that it in some way they will be more or less anonymous to the world. This guy came in because of rectal bleeding and gave no real explanation as to what the problem might have been. The doctor in too much of a hurry and wanting to get home being that this guy was the last one of the day, gave him a rectal exam thinking he had a cyst that ruptured, and in the process cut his finger. Turns out the guy broke the end off of a fluorescent lamp up his ass. The Doc was pissed and for the next year or two was always getting checked for AIDS.

I could go on with several stories but I will spare you all the sickness.
After hearing a few of these stories I just asked the wife why don’t you just let these people die or refuse to help them at all.

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