A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets;
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole; BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump into bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled " BELL 2!", the wife promptly jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!!!"
"Setting up the Computer"
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
Those are pretty good. That first one seems familiar though. I think I heard that one in a standup comedian's act once.
There once was a snail.............................................nevermind.
He's giving us a hint.
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by
Bill Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report,
with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool
professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing
3 male dogs are standing on the side of the road. A lab, a german sheperd, and a chihuahua. A female dog walks buy, and all the male dogs start going crazy. She walks up to them and says "Whichever one of you can tell em the best sentance using "liver" and "cheese" in it can have me for the night."
The lab says "I hate liver and cheese dogfood"
Female dog "No, that is terrible"
Shepherd says "I love liver and cheese dogfood"
Female dog "No, that is even worse"
Chihuahua says "Liver alone guys, cheese mine"