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Posted: 2/25/2006 5:15:26 AM EDT
My wife and I have a friend, at least he used to be, that dropped off the face of the earth around 5 years ago. Suddenly last summer he shows up while I am at work and tells my wife he is hooked on Crack and Heroin. Now I freaked out because I had just been hired to work Security at a high level Govt contract, and was being submitted for a Top Secret SSBI Clearance. Last thing I need is for that to get denied, once I get that TS SSBI I can be making some BIG bucks.
Anyhow, our friend showed up about a week later and he looked like crap!! I offered numerous times to take him to the VA in Baltimore to get him cleaned up, I even offered to pay out of my own pocket to get him into a private rehab, and he flat out refused!!! He looked like hell, skinny, all twitchy and stuff from the dope! I asked him politely to not come to our house anymore while he was high or using drugs, out of respect for me and my wife.
I explained the situation I was in, how important this TS was to me, and I hoped he would understand. Then I made it perfectly clear if he wanted to get cleaned up I would help him. He left and we hadn't heard from him until last night. We went to Church together, even got baptized at the same time. This is really hard for me, because I feel sorry for the dude, it is a very long story, but he got hooked up with a really trashy female and I know he started using the dope to try to stay with her. The dude is a former Marine, was very squared away until he got into the damn drugs!
Am I being a a@#hole for cutting him off? My wife and I had a very long discussion about this, and she realizes how vital this TS is to me, the earning potential is very high once I get it, and employment possibilities are endless. I hate to turn my back on the dude, but I have to look out for myself and my family. Am I being a a@#hole for taking this course of action?
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:17:47 AM EDT
Drug addict? not in my lines of communication. You just saved a bunch of trouble in the future.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:19:04 AM EDT

Originally Posted By 91stsps:
I hate to turn my back on the dude, but I have to look out for myself and my family.



Above line say's it all............

You offered to help, he refused. No longer your problem, especially since you have not heard from him in years.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:19:28 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:20:21 AM EDT
You did what you could. If your friend refused when you offered to get him help and even pay for it yourself then there isn't much else you can do. If he wants to screw himself up than that is his choice. You did the right thing by not letting him screw you up as well.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:21:17 AM EDT
You've got to take care of yourself and your family before you worry about anyone else. After you get the clearance worry about him.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:23:28 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:23:55 AM EDT
You offered, he didn't want to.
You shouldn't feel too bad IMHO
He's made his choice
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:25:52 AM EDT

Originally Posted By JH225:

Originally Posted By 91stsps:
I hate to turn my back on the dude, but I have to look out for myself and my family.



Above line say's it all............



I agree .... You have to look out first and foremost for yourself and your family. You made an offer to help which meant that HE should do the right thing and go to reahab.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:26:01 AM EDT
Making the right decision doesn't always feel good. But you did right.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:26:17 AM EDT
I hope you're not asking this because someone has suggested that you are.

Doing the right thing is not always easy, sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it actually feels wrong. It's hard to cut off someone you care about but you have to look out for those you care about those most. Family first. Hold your head up and truck on through.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:26:26 AM EDT
I've done this several times in my life. It hurts each time, but you get over it and move on. You can only do so much to save people, then it takes some saving of their own to help them. Until he knows he's in a world of hurt, he'll continue on the path of self destruction. Turning your back on him may actually HELP HIM. But this isn't about him, its about you. Do what you have to to protect your job and family. You don't want this guy so familiar with you that he'll steal from you.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:26:44 AM EDT
Didn't bother to read the post, but my gut reaction is ........Yep.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:28:26 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Langadune:
I hope you're not asking this because someone has suggested that you are.

Doing the right thing is not always easy, sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it actually feels wrong. It's hard to cut off someone you care about but you have to look out for those you care about those most. Family first. Hold your head up and truck on through.



No my wife was slightly miffed that I told her I no longer want any contact from him. He dropped out of site for 5 years then suddenly re-appears. I told my wife to NEVER, EVER allow him into our house while I am gone, too much risk of him allowing some crack head to rape my wife to pay off a drug debt, etc.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:28:53 AM EDT
You can't solve his drug problem for him. You made a VERY generous offer to take him to rehab, in my opinion you are a great friend. Hats off to you for that. That's all you can do. There is no way you can do more than you have done. There is no reason for you to do harm to your family or self to make some mistaken effort to save this guy and it sounds like you know it. I'm sorry you feel so conflicted about your decision, but in my opinion it just shows that you truly care about the suffering of a friend. Drugs tear up the lives of more people than just the user. There is a circle of destruction around a drug user, friends, family associates, they are all affected. It's hardly a problem that only hurts the user alone.

Good luck, and good on you for trying to help.

2IDdoc
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:30:46 AM EDT
@$$hole behavior would have been to laugh at the poor guys problems. As soon as you spoke to him in a polite manner you elevated yourself above that level.

Christian behavior (and I gather from your church reference that you are one) is to offer the guy some help. You did that as well.

Foolish behavior would be to lose your security clearance for hanging out with a known drug addict who has refused your offers of assistance. Jesus understood there would be people like this when he said, "Do not cast your pearls before swine." Some people don't want help, they have to hit rock-bottom before they will. While you and I would consider this guy already there, he has not reached the point where it hurts less to change than it does to stay the same.

My .02
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:30:58 AM EDT
No.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:33:31 AM EDT
Wow....lots of good replies here.

Simple answer is "no, you are not".

Long answer. You would have been had you NOT offered to help your old buddy. He didn't want help, therefore he didn't want you, and you don't need his baggage if he's not looking for help.

Best of luck,

No Expert
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:33:56 AM EDT

Originally Posted By 91stsps:

Originally Posted By Langadune:
I hope you're not asking this because someone has suggested that you are.

Doing the right thing is not always easy, sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it actually feels wrong. It's hard to cut off someone you care about but you have to look out for those you care about those most. Family first. Hold your head up and truck on through.



No my wife was slightly miffed that I told her I no longer want any contact from him. He dropped out of site for 5 years then suddenly re-appears. I told my wife to NEVER, EVER allow him into our house while I am gone, too much risk of him allowing some crack head to rape my wife to pay off a drug debt, etc.



It sounds that like you, your wife wants to help, but women tend to believe you just keep asking and asking and asking and eventually he'll come around. I'm sure she knows you're a good man and where your heart it.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:36:35 AM EDT
No

He has to want to help himself before you can help him. You offerd a hand and he refused it.

Move on you and yours first.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:40:24 AM EDT
Look out for you and your family first priority.

That's you being squared away.

You've done your part to try and help him.

In my experience with helping rehab druggies, you have to draw a line, and a HARD line, if they cross it, that's it, game over.

You're doing good.

Pray for him.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:46:38 AM EDT
You did the right thing. You cannot help a drug addict. That road leads to ruin. They can only help themselves. Cut him out now before he steals your shit. He probably only came around to you because he stole and screwed everyone else he knows.

Been there, done that.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:48:38 AM EDT
You didn't dig the hole he is in and you offered him a hand to get out of it. I think you've done all you can reasonable be expected to do. Until he will realizes that he needs to sort his life out, he cannot be helped.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:49:05 AM EDT
you don't even rate as one of the top 1000 a-holes on this board for that
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:49:25 AM EDT
He had his heart broken a very long time ago by a real bitch, and he has never recovered from that. So now all the women he gets hooked up with are real trash, he's a smart dude, but has made some bad darn choices. I changed all our locks as soon as he showed up, since he had a set of keys to our house. We USES to trust him so much as to allow him to watch our house and cats when we went away for a weekend. NOT ANYMORE! I bought our gun safe after he showed up, even though he didn't know we had all we have now, no sense them getting stolen and winding up on the streets of Baltimore.
No, I do NOT feel bad about turning my back on him. The two messages he left on our machine stated nothing about wanting help. He's a grown man, in his mid 40's, he knows the evils of drugs and chose that path, he has to make the choice to get off them, and until he does so he is not welcome around my house.
I laid down the law to my wife last night, told her she is NOT to let him in our house no matter what he says. When she comes back I will have another talk with her, I think she understands how important this clearance it so me. I had to tell the polygraph examiner about our knowing this dude, wanted to let them know up front instead of the background investigator finding out.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:50:32 AM EDT
No, you are not.
You offered to get him help, even pay for it. You sound like a good friend to me.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:53:01 AM EDT
IMO you did the right thing. Most other courses of action would have just been enabling him to one degree or another. Hopefully he'll pull his head out of his ass before the law or worse does it for him.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:54:24 AM EDT

I hate to turn my back on the dude, but I have to look out for myself and my family.


There's your answer right there. Sorry about your friend.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 5:56:54 AM EDT
I maintain a govt security clearance too, so if I were you I would go talk to the folks in security and explain the situation. It look better for you if you came forward with this instead of them thinking you're hiding a relationship with a known drug addict. As far as your friendship with him..... I would end it for the sake of your family and job security. You did what you could by trying to get him into rehab. His refusal to go, is a sure sign that he's not ready to change. I for one would not allow someone like this disrupt my life. Sorry if this sounds cold but no one else is going to looking out for you and your families welfare.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 6:01:02 AM EDT

Originally Posted By PBIR:
IMO you did the right thing. Most other courses of action would have just been enabling him to one degree or another. Hopefully he'll pull his head out of his ass before the law or worse does it for him.



Apparently he was locked up in the Co. Detention Facility for vagrancy a few month back. So now he has a criminal record, so I sure as heck don't need that. I have been through my poly graph and apparently the DOD has completed my background investigation. But, they always do another check before they finally approve the Clearance, so I am really walking on egg shells.
I am sacrificing an aweful lot to get this TS. Driving 108 miles a day to work, took a cut in pay for the time it takes to get the Clearance, but once I get it my pay will go up quite a bit. So the least my wife can do is abide by my wishes and not contact this dude.
Anyhow, I appreciate the advice you all have given, clears my mind quite a bit.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 6:05:57 AM EDT
Who knows.. you might still be as A**Hole, but not for cutting this old friend loose...
There could be any number of reasons...
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 6:22:18 AM EDT
He's a big boy. Cut him loose and take care of your family.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 6:33:32 AM EDT
You offered absolutely every thing you could. There is literally not a single helpful, decent, constructive thing anybody could offer him that isn't on the list of things he turned down from you. Anything else anybody could offer him would be destructive to him, apart from the risks to you and your family. You did your full duty as a Christian, as a friend, and as a man. When that wasn't accepted, you stepped back and looked out for your family's interests.

I'd say you got it right from A to Z. Nothing missed, nothing botched, nothing to be sorry for.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 6:33:47 AM EDT
Hell no... TS aside, you're doing what you should be doing anyway. If he don't wanna get cleaned up you shouldn't hang anyway.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 6:36:39 AM EDT
You offered help, and he refused, now you ahve to look after your own, and becuase of his choices, that no longer includes him....


Hell, druggies are nto known for being overly empathic of their old friends, my cousin was stealing from family and friends to feed her tweaker habit (I live nowhere near, which is good, I woudl not have put up with that crap)
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 7:15:02 AM EDT

Originally Posted By 91stsps:
Am I being a a@#hole for cutting him off? My wife and I had a very long discussion about this, and she realizes how vital this TS is to me, the earning potential is very high once I get it, and employment possibilities are endless. I hate to turn my back on the dude, but I have to look out for myself and my family. Am I being a a@#hole for taking this course of action?





Absolutely not.


You can't help people unless they WANT to be helped. You offered to help him get cleaned up and he refused. He doesn't want help; he wants someone to mooch off of. You have a standing offer to him to give him help when he pulls his head out of his ass.

There's no sense in pissing your future away for someone that will fight you at every turn.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 8:46:41 AM EDT
Is he your child or your brother? No. Then worry about your family.

We have to take responsibility for our own lives. Show him some tough love. If you really want to help him, drop a dime on him and let the cops sort it out.

I hate drugs. I hate people that use drugs. Keep them both the fuck away from me and my kids.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 8:58:29 AM EDT
Not at all.
You offered, he refused. His loss.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 9:02:54 AM EDT
Either he wants to change.. or he wants money for smack. Just know which one it is. You did the right thing.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 9:53:23 AM EDT

Originally Posted By LordShogun:
I maintain a govt security clearance too, so if I were you I would go talk to the folks in security and explain the situation. It look better for you if you came forward with this instead of them thinking you're hiding a relationship with a known drug addict. As far as your friendship with him..... I would end it for the sake of your family and job security. You did what you could by trying to get him into rehab. His refusal to go, is a sure sign that he's not ready to change. I for one would not allow someone like this disrupt my life. Sorry if this sounds cold but no one else is going to looking out for you and your families welfare.



Aren't you not supposed to talk about being cleared?
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 9:57:27 AM EDT

Originally Posted By JH225:

Originally Posted By 91stsps:
I hate to turn my back on the dude, but I have to look out for myself and my family.



Above line say's it all............

You offered to help, he refused. No longer your problem, especially since you have not heard from him in years.



+1 Gillion


You have NO responsibility for this person...especially when he refused your help. If people want to throw their lives away, that's their perogative. It's sad, but hold your ground.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 10:24:47 AM EDT
Youre not an asshole, you did the right. Youre responsibility is to do what is right for you and your familily. You can not allow some parasite to drag you down, because of their mistakes. No free loaders everyone bears their own load. I have no problem helping people. help themselves. But I dont run a god damn welfare office. I made this very clear to my wife when we got together and we had to impliment this policy a couple of times already. Sometimes its hard, but if people are not willing to do what it takes, then you cant really help them anyways they will just drag you down.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 10:31:05 AM EDT
Good riddance.

I had a similar friendship with a HS bud.
He let his life go right down the shitter. Same deal, sleazy women and drugs.

I distanced myself and he stayed away but I haven't lived in the same town since I got out of HS.

In any event, he took the hint. But if he hadn't I would've bluntly told him to take a fricking hike before something bad happened to him. My family comes first. Before everything else by a damn long shot and I am not beyond becoming exceedingly violent to protect them at ALL costs.

Good luck. To you and your friend.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 10:37:45 AM EDT
If he calls anymore I will contact the phone Co about blocking his #. Damn guy can not take NO for an answer. My gut tells me he is up to no good, and I need to drill this into my wife's head. What is more important to her, me making BIG BUCKS or this dude?
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 10:39:09 AM EDT


Make sure your wife understands the down side to associating with this clown . Women
make decisions based on emotions a lot of the time . I don't have to tell you that , you know what I mean .
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 10:41:52 AM EDT
Well, me and the wife have been married for 10 years, and if she wants to help this dude out instead of respecting my wishes she can move her a@# in with him. Last thing in the world I need is some problem to arise and cause me to be denied my TS.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 10:42:55 AM EDT

Originally Posted By 91stsps:
My wife and I have a friend, at least he used to be, that dropped off the face of the earth around 5 years ago. Suddenly last summer he shows up while I am at work and tells my wife he is hooked on Crack and Heroin. Now I freaked out because I had just been hired to work Security at a high level Govt contract, and was being submitted for a Top Secret SSBI Clearance. Last thing I need is for that to get denied, once I get that TS SSBI I can be making some BIG bucks.
Anyhow, our friend showed up about a week later and he looked like crap!! I offered numerous times to take him to the VA in Baltimore to get him cleaned up, I even offered to pay out of my own pocket to get him into a private rehab, and he flat out refused!!! He looked like hell, skinny, all twitchy and stuff from the dope! I asked him politely to not come to our house anymore while he was high or using drugs, out of respect for me and my wife.
I explained the situation I was in, how important this TS was to me, and I hoped he would understand. Then I made it perfectly clear if he wanted to get cleaned up I would help him. He left and we hadn't heard from him until last night. We went to Church together, even got baptized at the same time. This is really hard for me, because I feel sorry for the dude, it is a very long story, but he got hooked up with a really trashy female and I know he started using the dope to try to stay with her. The dude is a former Marine, was very squared away until he got into the damn drugs!
Am I being a a@#hole for cutting him off? My wife and I had a very long discussion about this, and she realizes how vital this TS is to me, the earning potential is very high once I get it, and employment possibilities are endless. I hate to turn my back on the dude, but I have to look out for myself and my family. Am I being a a@#hole for taking this course of action?

No.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 10:46:55 AM EDT

Originally Posted By 91stsps:
My gut tells me he is up to no good



Your gut is absolutely correct.

Never, ever trust a doper or a drunk. Never.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 10:52:50 AM EDT

Originally Posted By 91stsps:
Well, me and the wife have been married for 10 years, and if she wants to help this dude out instead of respecting my wishes she can move her a@# in with him. Last thing in the world I need is some problem to arise and cause me to be denied my TS.



Geeeze dude relax. It sounds like you are going ape shit on your wife over this and your security clearance. Take a breath and nicely explain to your wife the downfalls of making contact with this guy, she is human, she hopefully understand. If you don't get your security clearance life will go on. Life isn't all about money and high position jobs.... Not once have I heard you say anything about your wife's safety, just how important getting the clearance is. You should evaluate your priorities again.

As for the drug user, fuck him. After five years of him not being around, hooked on dope and now he comes popping back into your life, he is there for one thing.... Money.
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 10:55:07 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/25/2006 11:00:48 AM EDT

Originally Posted By ZW17:

Originally Posted By 91stsps:
Well, me and the wife have been married for 10 years, and if she wants to help this dude out instead of respecting my wishes she can move her a@# in with him. Last thing in the world I need is some problem to arise and cause me to be denied my TS.



Geeeze dude relax. It sounds like you are going ape shit on your wife over this and your security clearance. Take a breath and nicely explain to your wife the downfalls of making contact with this guy, she is human, she hopefully understand. If you don't get your security clearance life will go on. Life isn't all about money and high position jobs.... Not once have I heard you say anything about your wife's safety, just how important getting the clearance is. You should evaluate your priorities again.

As for the drug user, fuck him. After five years of him not being around, hooked on dope and now he comes popping back into your life, he is there for one thing.... Money.



I thought I already posted this, but if not, here I go. I told my wife to never, ever allow him into our home. My fear is he could come over while I am gone, (he doesn't know I work days now instead of swings) and bring some dope dealer with him, and let the dealer rape my wife in exchange for wiping out a drug debt.
This is a first for me, never had to turn my back on a friend like this, but he chose the life style he is living, not my wife and I. I very seriously doubt he wants to re-establish a friend ship, I think he wants back in our lives to mooch off us. He asked me back in the summer if he could stay with us for a short while, until he got back on his feet.
That sent shivers up my spine then, and I politely told him no. I have the extra rooms, no problem with that, but I do not trust him around my wife. Plain and simple!!!!
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