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Posted: 2/20/2006 9:28:02 PM EDT
This is without a doubt the worst cat I've ever had. When I was very young, my dad picked up a Siamese we named Tie, and he had the unfortunate luck of scratching my sister's face. Into the TDP machine with Tie. Charlie was great. He was friendly, liked to be petted and picked up, disappeared completely when he wanted to be left alone, tough enough to beat up on the local dogs when they got too close, could climb trees and whatnot... I liked Charlie.

This one sucks.

1. Hates being picked up. He gets out his right rear pinky claw and digs it into your t-shirt and pulls out a loop of thread, thus ruining every fucking t-shirt I have.

2. Will not sit on your lap. Pick him up and he gets this glassy look in his eyes and you can tell there's nothing this cat wants more than Freedom. He will do anything to run three feet from you, turn his back, lift his tail, and make sure that he shows you his bullseye.

3. Follows me into the bathroom every time I pinch a loaf. I don't know why, but he follows me everywhere making sure he's underfoot at all times, and comes to sniff the toilet when I'm busy with things I don't want cats involved with.

4. Bedhog. He goes to my girlfriend's side of the bed and takes up the bottom four square feet of the bed, forcing her knee into my back. This pisses me off to no end.

5. He's a total pussy. The cat from next door chews his head all day and he won't do shit about it except to lie on the floor on his back and get his ass kicked.

6. I don't know what to call this. I was eating a little string cheese tonight, and was throwing him the scraps from time to time. At the end of the last one, I had a length of string cheese in my mouth and saw him watching me and licking his lips. I pulled a little out of my mouth, broke it off, and threw it down on the plastic chair wheel mat I have in the office to save the carpet a little wear. He looked at it and was like, "I'm not eating that, it's been in your mouth." Fine. I went back to the fridge and picked up three more and sat there peeling them off and relishing every last bit of 'em while he begged for a scrap but wouldn't touch the chunk that was right in front of him. Every time he licked his lips I pointed out the chunk I had in my mouth (hell I was gonna eat it) that wasn't good enough for him. I brush my teeth and refrain from licking my own asshole, so I don't think he's got any ground to stand on here. Fuck him.

When the S hits the F, I'm not feeding this piece of crap cat anymore. Go catch a mouse.
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:29:07 PM EDT
Well time to sell it for scrap metal and get a new one
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:29:11 PM EDT
Solution -

Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:31:01 PM EDT
It does not surprise me that you own a cat.
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:31:08 PM EDT
how many lbs is it?
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:31:35 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/20/2006 9:33:34 PM EDT by Chairborne]



Cats........you know they are really just tiny women in fur coats, right?

ETA: The whole thing.......

Cats and Women

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:31:44 PM EDT
Its sounds to me like kitty is the alpha-male in that house.....
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:32:39 PM EDT
So Charlie was the "peak cat" ?

Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:33:44 PM EDT

Originally Posted By XJ:
So Charlie was the "peak cat" ?




Oh NOES!!!!1!!!
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:38:07 PM EDT

Originally Posted By XJ:
So Charlie was the "peak cat" ?




Charlie was a great cat, I liked him a lot. He was a tough cat and would kick any dog's ass, I've seen it done. He was an alley cat that just liked my family and hung out with us. Eighteen years he did with us. I gotta go pour out a 40 for him one of these days.

Ozzy though, this is the worst fucking cat ever. Always comes a-runnin when the Aqari-Yums bag gets a shake, never comes and hops up on your lap when Kuwait's Bergen field peaks a couple years too soon. Fuck him. There he is right now, sitting on top of the futon cushion and crushing it with his fat ass. If you have a futon you know what I mean. Sit on top of the cushion that's upright and it bends out and you can't get it to stand back up.

Worst fucking cat ever.
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:38:50 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:39:03 PM EDT
Unsatisfying? Just exactly what are you trying to satisfy? That's illegal in most states ya know!
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:40:28 PM EDT

Originally Posted By GUNGUY1911:
Unsatisfying? Just exactly what are you trying to satisfy? That's illegal in most states ya know!




Careful, if it dies the charges are worse.
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:43:03 PM EDT
HILLARIOUS, cats sucks, I love Alaskan Malamutes
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:43:20 PM EDT

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183rd of My Captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time ......


Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:45:22 PM EDT

Originally Posted By XJ:
So Charlie was the "peak cat" ?




Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:49:35 PM EDT
I went to see 8 Below at the El Capitan this weekend, the Disnified movie about the sled dog team in Antarctica. I choked up a dozen times and barely avoided crying, I miss dogs so much. And I don't give half a fuck about admitting that, I absolutely love dogs. I'd rather have a good dog than almost any human being. Dogs are the best.

Fucking piece of shit cat and its lousy attitude. You feed a pet and take it to the vet and all that stuff, I want a little fucking gratitude. Dogs have gratitude in spades. This BS cat... I'm seriously considering foisting it on my neighbor. He's got a cat he hates that comes over to my apartment all the time to beat up on my cat. I'm about ready to give this one to him so I'm shut of the whole situation. Let the two of 'em do their worst on each other, I don't care anymore. He's always, "Oh Albus, he's desperate to play with Ozzy. I'm so sorry, I hope he's not being bad. Thanks for taking him for a while."

Today I let his cat in my apartment for an hour or so, me and the GF were busy with things and couldn't tend to the beasts. He stuck his head out of his apartment and called out, "Albooooos.... Alboooos " for like a minute and a half before he closed his door. He hates his cat too.

I might give him Ozzy.
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 9:55:56 PM EDT
He probably got tired of hearing about "peak Purina" every time you fed him...
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 10:11:19 PM EDT
Cats make GREAT dog toys!
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 10:17:11 PM EDT

Originally Posted By brentwal:

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183rd of My Captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time ......






Link Posted: 2/20/2006 10:26:06 PM EDT

Originally Posted By WizardOfAhs:
Cats make GREAT dog toys!



speaking of dog toys just yesterday my blue nose pit mauled one of the damn cats that kept eating his food. he got what was coming to him i say. now i just want to see him do that again! we may have to get my dog and your cat together. he's around 90 lbs of "bust your ass" muscle. i think we can come to a mutual agreement.
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 10:29:06 PM EDT

Originally Posted By sysops666:

Originally Posted By WizardOfAhs:
Cats make GREAT dog toys!



speaking of dog toys just yesterday my blue nose pit mauled one of the damn cats that kept eating his food. he got what was coming to him i say. now i just want to see him do that again! we may have to get my dog and your cat together. he's around 90 lbs of "bust your ass" muscle. i think we can come to a mutual agreement.



If you got some money and a video camera, I think we have a business deal in the makings.
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 10:39:29 PM EDT
it's a cat...
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 10:40:31 PM EDT

Originally Posted By sysops666:

Originally Posted By WizardOfAhs:
Cats make GREAT dog toys!



speaking of dog toys just yesterday my blue nose pit mauled one of the damn cats that kept eating his food. he got what was coming to him i say. now i just want to see him do that again! we may have to get my dog and your cat together. he's around 90 lbs of "bust your ass" muscle. i think we can come to a mutual agreement.



Seriously its people like you that give pitbulls a bad name. Allowing animal aggression is the first step towards people aggression. If he bites a person he is going to be put down, there will probably be a story in the newspaper and then that nice little pit puppy at the animal shelter wont be adopted because of your stupidity. Get a chia pet jackass.
-jls7
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 10:57:41 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Peak_Oil:

Originally Posted By sysops666:

Originally Posted By WizardOfAhs:
Cats make GREAT dog toys!



speaking of dog toys just yesterday my blue nose pit mauled one of the damn cats that kept eating his food. he got what was coming to him i say. now i just want to see him do that again! we may have to get my dog and your cat together. he's around 90 lbs of "bust your ass" muscle. i think we can come to a mutual agreement.



If you got some money and a video camera, I think we have a business deal in the makings.



little irony for ya..... i'll videotape it on my GF's hellokitty video camera
...... oh yeah and to jls7.... i'll get that chia pet, just remember to get a life! joking
Link Posted: 2/21/2006 12:05:13 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Peak_Oil:

Originally Posted By XJ:
So Charlie was the "peak cat" ?



I gotta go pour out a 40 for him one of these days.





I just laughed out loud again, that comment i must have missed initially
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