I'm 27, and got out of a 6+ year relationship with my ex about 7-8 months ago.  In all that time together I never really thought she was the one I would spend my life with.  Our beliefs and attitudes were different,  I had to drag her to do my activities such as fishing, hitting the gun range, etc.  She was very liberal minded and our political views got us into some pretty heated arguments.  She was the typical liberal who before the election went for whoever was most popular at the moment....  Sex was really the only thing that was holding the relationship together,  that and the fact that we only saw each other on the weekends.  I also felt guilty because I knew I would hurt her when we broke up because we did go through a lot together such as I was there when her father died.   He mother is a real b!tch and constantly puts her down.  I was there when she gained a lot of weight/depression and then when she slowly lost it, and was there to help her understand that her brother (college soph) came out of the closet and help her realize she didn't have the normal 2 parents, 2 children and a dog family anymore.  

I finally broke it off as it caused me too much stress and I knew it was just a stagnant relationship.

Fast forward.  September I met a girl who could be my twin.  We share so much in common.  She's a republican,  we both believe in God, etc.. but don't practice the insitutionalized form of it (church).  We both were semi-raised by our grandparents and even though we're both 27, feel like we belong in an older generation due to what we learned from our grandparents bringing us up.  She is one HELL of a cook.  Nothing beats waking up to the smell of sausage or bacon on the weekends (we don't live together, but do have 'overnights')  Unlike my ex, this girl loves guns and was impressed with my collection, instead of telling me I'm wasting my money.  Asked me to take her shooting and she actually out shot me with my carry piece G26.  She is interested in carrying as well.  She also encourages me to shoot up all the squirrels, starlings, and other ratty animals that tear up her yard.  She is not college educated, mainly because she took inhome care of her 2 grandparents for 3 years when she graduated HS before they were sent to a permanent care center.  They both had alzheimers, and then grandma had a stroke.  She knows how to can food too!  Also she has worked at a montesorri school, is a full time nanny now for 4 kids, and does a cake baking business on the side for some of the city's high end families.  Most of her cakes run from 50-200 dollars.  We also get along well in day to day life and enjoy our time together, whether it be watching tv.  (we both like the same shows,  bike building, cops, family guy, etc...)    Now I have dated other girls in the past that had the beauty and no brains.  This girl is attractive to me, but it's what's inside that keeps me thinking about her non stop.  It's only been half  a year we've been together but I just can't stop thinking about how we have so much in common, the fact that she would make an excellent mother and raise my child how I envisioned him or her being raised.  We believe in private schooling, and I'm sure in place of nannying she would go back to teaching to be with him full time (my sister works montesorri where her 2 kids attend) and possibly even start teaching at the grade school level.  For the survival guys, she's even keen on turning my basement storage into a giant food pantry, gun storage and survival/camping bin.   What's really pushed me over the top is that we don't bicker about anything.  It's not a favor for a favor,  she'll do something for me without asking for a reward as I'll help her around the house or just do something simple for her without expecting something back.  Oh, and she also loves to fish and camp out, which when the weather is nice are the only thing I do each and every weekend I can. I also see a lot of my grandma and mother in her, just the way she acts, cares for people and presents herself reminds me of the people in my family I love and care for and think that also makes me respect her on a different level than anyone else before. I really like that.


For the married or soon to be, here are some questions I'd like you to ask you.

What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one?

How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you?

What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other?

Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both?

Do you have kids?  How did they change the marriage?  Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy?

Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?  

Does your wife share or put up with your interests?  Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife?



Almost all of my past relationships lasted months to years in time, and I never once really could see any of those girls being the one for me.  Maybe it's due to my age now or just this girl, but somethings clicked and I'm interested in taking things to the next level with her.  I'd just like some input and thoughts about what you think about us from what I described as well as your own experiences and lessons you have to share.

Thanks!

The only things marriage will give you that you don't already have is more government intrusion in your life and the opportunity to be financially devastated.

It's an out-dated institution that should fade away. And is, slowly.

Having said that, she sounds terrific. Pursue the relationship and enjoy a life together.

Quoted: What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one?I just knew How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you?I was with her for 5.5 years  before I asked...too long according to her.  I knew after about the first 1.5 years that she was the one What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other?I love just about every aspect of our marriage however marriage is a compromise.  Be prepred for that before you get married.  If BOTH of you are not willing to compromise, don't do it. Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both? If your marrying someone solely for their looks....I give it no more than a year.  Obviously I like the way my wife looks but there's alot more to it.  She is honestly and truely a good person at heart and that is very hard to come by these days.  I believe she is a better person than I. Do you have kids?  How did they change the marriage?  Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy?  No kids yet Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?  The reloading bench is no longer in the master bedroom.  I can't do woodworking projects in the livingroom anymore.  I don't shoot every weekend.  I don't brew beer as much.  And occasionally I go furniture and clothes window shopping "just for fun". Does your wife share or put up with your interests?  Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife?She both shares and puts up with my interests as I do hers.  See answer to question 3.....

Quoted: The only things marriage will give you that you don't already have is more government intrusion in your life and the opportunity to be financially devastated. It's an out-dated institution that should fade away. And is, slowly. Having said that, she sounds terrific. Pursue the relationship and enjoy a life together.

The only reason to be married today isif you're going to have children.

And government being involved in marriage has screwed it up much more than it has helped (just like government does with everything). Marriage should stop being done by the government and should be done by churches. That way people might actually have some respect for the institution.

Quoted: For the married or soon to be, here are some questions I'd like you to ask you. What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one? I just know, deep down inside, I can honestly see myself being old with her How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you? I was dating her for a few months What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other? We compromise on everything, which I think is admirable, and most people don't seem to be able to do Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both? Both Do you have kids?  How did they change the marriage?  Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy? No kids, not yet, but I'm sure it will make us closer Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?   Im gaining a homelife, I've never really been home Does your wife share or put up with your interests?  Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife? We share alot of common interests, and clash on a lot too. That's where our compromise steps in. She does things for me that she doesn't want to do, as do I. Some thing just have to be done. You ever see grown men buying tampons?

Prenup.

The best advice I can offer you is this:

Do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, get married UNLESS you are ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT DOUBT, 100%, CERTAIN that you simply CANNOT live the ENTIRE rest of your life without THIS woman by your side, and that SHE KNOWS THE SAME THING ABOUT YOU.

It doesn't matter how smart, hox, sexy, handy, rich, or anything else either of you are. If the conditions above do not exist, YOU ARE SUNK before even starting.

Think long on the decision, brother. I'd hate for you to get burned as I have.

Quoted: Oh good luck telling some 27 year old girl who's never been married that getting married is a stupid idea and you'll just shack up til the end of time, she won't go for it.

Well, lead her on as long as you can, then  


Actually can't blame the wimmens for wanting it. Marriage is still a good deal for them - some lovely parting gifts even if it doesn't last.

EB and I are probably headed in that direction just because of the medical benefits and inheritance laws, etc.

But I'm leaving fingernail and tooth marks all the way.


ETA and I'm going to make sure there's a pre-dug shallow grave out in the woods.

Quoted: EB and I are probably headed in that direction just because of the medical benefits and inheritance laws, etc. But I'm leaving fingernail and tooth marks all the way.

Pics?

She was good looking and put out. A steady supply. That clinched it for me. But like kittens and cars, they don't stay good looking long. You know that old saying about looking at her mother to see what she'll look like down the road, definately has merit. Now, I'm beginning to think I could be happy as a bachelor.

Go to your local book store.  In the marriage section there will be a book. Actually there will be a lot of them but your looking for one in particular.  It's called Esquire's Everything a man should know about marriage.  It's a really good book and will totally walk you through everything.  Actually I have a copy of it and I'll send it to you if you IM me your addy.  As far as knowing she's the one goes.  Steyraug put it better than I've ever seen in my time.
Paraphrased:
"When considering a potential mate for life, think to yourself "If I wasn't fucking them, would I still want to hang out with them?"  There is your answer.

Quoted: Do you agree on: Religion Kids Money? If those three things are compatable, you should be good to go.  99% of all failed mariages seem to revolve around those issues.

Religion:  Yes.  I was raised Catholic. Catholic grade school, Jesuit highschool and Jesuit University.   She was public school, but we both believe there is something more out there than just life here.  We believe but do not go to church.  No offense to anyone here, but we think it's ok to believe in something without having to attend church and do all that goes along with it.  

Kids.  Yes, she wants them as do I.  I want them so my parents can be grandparents and that my kids have the chance to know and love my parents as I do.   As I mentioned we both were semi raised by our grandparents and I want my kids to have the chance to meet and know their grandparents.   I also think that this would make me closer to my parents.  She wants to raise the kids the way I want my kids raised.  Dicipline, morals, etc from an early age.  Not a bunch of TV and internet zombies who are what most kids today are turning into.  A kid that can go fishing and camping and be outdoors after school instead of watching jerry springer or the other after school tv crap on these days.  We both think private education is the way to go.  She would quit her nanny job and go back to montesorri to teach as well as be with the child(ren) all day.  

Money.  Yes.  We both have our "toys"  I like guns.  She likes Coach purses.  I can't justify spending 300 on a purse as she probably couldn't justify me spending a couple grand on a nice rifle.  However we both are very debt conscious and do save our money.  We both buy bulk foods, buy things on sale, or only as needed. But like I said we do like to have a couple nice things.  I'm debt free minus a 3,000 student loan and her only debts are 1,000 credit card and 12K left on her SUV.  The only other debt I plan on incurring is buying a home.  

Actually took me a while to know she was THE one.Couple years maybe.Were together 3 and some change before we were married.That was near 20 years ago.Nothing but good.We're both old school about most everything.Both into the old ways,shooting/hunting/fishing and are bringing our kids up the same way.She's a farm girl-no nonsense,no games.She says what she means and means what she says.And still a looker!

For the married or soon to be, here are some questions I'd like you to ask you.

What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one?

It was just so in common and wanting exactly the same things out of life.  We joke that we have been married for 20 years even though it's been very little.  So much to share.  It really wasn't one thing it was just mutual admiration for each other and so much in common.
How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you?

What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other?

dinner mostly. :-)   Very little.  there are some excellent books out there about 300 questions to ask each other.  and you have to be very honest.  we had no secrets and still don't, we both were very honest and open and able to share all of our bad stuff and good too.


Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both?

commonalities.  We are probably equivilent in looks which is somewhat important.  But I think it's more important to have so much in common.  We share basically teh same interests, more or less the same political beliefs, like to do the same things.  


Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?

Was single for 15 years (never married) and neither was she.  She moved to my house (I work, she doesn't now, she did though) so bigger change for her.  homelife is better.  we had already agreed on chores before we got married.  I love sleeping next to her and just waking up and feeling that she's there.  I definately eat better. :-)  But sometimes we go out too.  she has her areas of the house and I have mine.  

Does your wife share or put up with your interests? Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife?

Some, not many.  We have agreements if neither one wants to do it they need to tell the other.  And she'll go to a concert or something and I'll stay home.  I'll go watch the race and she'll stay home.  She is probably a bigger gun nut than me (definatley a better shot), so we always go play together.  

I love being married, she is the best thing that ever happened to me.  And I knew within weeks.  We were married within 7 months of meeting each other and it feels like we have been married forever (In a good way)

Get the book with the questions to ask each other and go through them.  Be brutally honest.  YOu can walk away any moment up until you say I do.  After that you better work it out.  Get the book men are from mars, women are from venus and read it, together.  

Decide who is going to do what chores, think about money and how that splits, make sure of debt (no one shoudl bring debt in, should be fair).

You'll know when she's the one.  It's a thunderbolt and you cannot stand to be without her.

Brian

Marriage is a serious committment by two people. It should not be entered into without a careful consideration of both of your wishes, wants and needs. If you truly wish to spend the rest of your life with someone then the need for companionship will last longer than the want of physical intimacy.  Go for it and have a great life together.
OBTW married for 16 years through good times and bad but the worst day married is better than the best day single IMHO!

For the married or soon to be, here are some questions I'd like you to ask you.

What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one?I basically sat down and figured that someone like her wouldn't come around again in my lifetime,  if I didn't grab her.  It seems that I was right.  There are ups and downs, but it keeps things interesting.  

How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you? 1 year

What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other?She gets diamonds I get guns.

Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both? combo.

Do you have kids? How did they change the marriage? Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy?No kids, never in the equation from day 1.

Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change? A womans attitude changes when she feels you can't just walk out of a relationship.  You have to work with this.

Does your wife share or put up with your interests? Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife?Streetrod, Harley, Dirtbikes-- we both equally.  She only likes to shoot a couple times a year, but will go to the range with me more often.

(We are at year 17 or something close to that.)

What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one?

A: This is a simple question.  It has a simple answer.  You will know she is the one when your internal voice tells you that she is the one.  Ignore what the rice crispies are telling you to do about it.  LET IT BE SIMPLE.

How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you?

A:I considered marraige about four months in as a possibility, popped the question at 10 months in.

What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other?

A: Negatives first.  She will know all of your sides- the negative ones too.  You can't hide them and you will do things that hurt her and she will hurt you- probably deeper than you have ever been hurt before.  That is the cost of intimacy and it is a price you must pay for your marraige to be successful.  I am sure someone has said to you that "marraige is work".  Sometimes the "work" is to STFU and swallow pride.  The first year is rough as you have to learn to compromise things you may never have considered would be important to you.   For instance: My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets.  In fact, she still does it on occasion for the hell of it.  Where the f$ck are the goddammmmnnn spoons this WEEK????  I do the cooking, and cooking requires spoons!  I need SPOONS, WOMAN.  

We have been married for a decade.  I would say that I am a better man now- a more complete one at least- because of my wife.  I know I have helped her.  We are a couple of whats.  What?  I dunno.      

Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both?

A:Looks matter.  You are part animal, accept it.  Commonalities....well, that requires more thought.  My wife and I have different interests, but we go about our interests in a similar way.  We both love books and reading.  She is an avid gardener.  I couldn't care two sh!ts about gardening, but I know sh!t makes good fertilizer.  You know how I know?  Cause I shovel a lot of it into her garden cause she is my wife and I have learned to like snapdragons and pansies.  Particularly pansies.  I own a Thompson Submachine Gun and I like Pansies.  There.  I said it.  You get us in a book store or library and we are happy together.  We are just reading different books.  That is cool with me.

Do you have kids? How did they change the marriage? Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy?

A: Don't jump into children immediately.  I give this advice as children are a cursedblessing.  My daughter is five, my son is eight months old.  My wife was unsure about children, then wanted them like nothing I have ever seen anyone want in my entire life.  Children put a lot of pressure on a strong marraige- a wounded one, well, you can use your imagination.  How good are you with your temper- five months in to not sleeping more that 3 hours a stretch?  Remember, nothing is put on hold when you have kids.  You still have job stresses, still have bills, still have life's little curves to negotiate.  I guess to answer your question having kids pushed my wife and closer together- but that itself can cause more friction.  The birth of your first child- in particular- is a magic experience and a memory that will never diminish.  My wife showed me the meaning of bravery that day.  Give your marraige some time- it deserves that- before you put children on the plate.

Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?

A: I can no longer indulge in my slovenly habits.  Alone, that is.  Now we are slobs together.  Seriously, all the household tasks will be divided.  They will not be divided equally, as that is a fantasy world situated somewhere in the South Pacific.  You will do somethings around the house you wish she would do, and vice versa.  I don't goddamn vaccuum.  You hear me?  I don't.  Not gonna do it.  The reason they call it a line in the sand is cause it is easy to erase...

Does your wife share or put up with your interests? Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife?

A:My wife thinks firearms are OK.  She isn't passionate about them, but I don't ask that of others.  I wanted her to know how to safely use them, which she has learned to do.  I do some gardening tasks, but I don't pretend to like it very much.  We both love to hike, so that is something we still actively do together (at least when the kids are good).

I wish you the best of luck!

Quoted: EB and I are probably headed in that direction just because of the medical benefits and inheritance laws, etc. But I'm leaving fingernail and tooth marks all the way. ETA and I'm going to make sure there's a pre-dug shallow grave out in the woods.

You sound like the man of her dreams

"When considering a potential mate for life, think to yourself "If I wasn't fucking them, would I still want to hang out with them?"  There is your answer.

Guess I'll marry my three-hundred-pound red-neck hunting buddy, then.  

Quoted:

For the married or soon to be, here are some questions I'd like you to ask you.

What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one?
That she was a person of rock solid principles and faith who wanted to commit her life to doing good by me-and has.


How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you?
10 days

What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other?
Short answer-everything. Being married to someone whom you can trust completely and that you have each others back makes whatever compromises you do make something you can do with a smile. Big picture-marriage is the backbone of everything from a happy healthy life, a secure family life for your children, personal wealth, and great nations. Little picture-so you have dis-likes and compromises-see the big picture. Marry someone with whom you only will compromise goals and objectives, not principles.

Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both?
Looks are nice but when you have the bedrock matters handled, the other stuff works out.

Do you have kids?  How did they change the marriage?  Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy?
Yes-one together. For a couple who built their family one the correct foundations, having children is a natural progression and a stage of personal growth that cements you to each other as you grow through the stages of life together.


Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?  
I'm probably the wrong person to ask about this.

Does your wife share or put up with your interests?  Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife?
Interests, She mostly puts up with, but interests are not central to what makes a family and its not an issue.



Almost all of my past relationships lasted months to years in time, and I never once really could see any of those girls being the one for me.  Maybe it's due to my age now or just this girl, but somethings clicked and I'm interested in taking things to the next level with her.  I'd just like some input and thoughts about what you think about us from what I described as well as your own experiences and lessons you have to share.

Thanks!

Guys who answer like Rodent are little picture guys who might be fun to hang out with on the weekend but are no place to gain insight about the better things in life.

Why do you spend time in relationships that you know won't go anywhere? Why do you settle for being with someone who you know you can't make a permanent relationship with?

My wife was watching a Bachelor TV show a week or two ago and this scene came up with a "contestant" crashing a date between the bachelor and another gal. This guy had a deer-in-the-headlights look and agreed to go have a private word with the date-crasher where she pulled her room key out of her bra and he accepted it.

The telling part of this story is one of the interviews afterward with the other gal who realized from that scene that she wanted a guy who would have sent the date-crasher packing and not give the time of day as opposed to listening to her proposition and accepting the key.

What kind of a guy are you? I would examine your willingness to be in relationships you know don't have a future as a character flaw in yourself that you need to examine. Finding a great gal doesn't fix it either.

50 % of marriages end up in divorce where the woman gets at least 50 % (usually). Even if there is not divorce the couple usually ends up unhappy. I have seen very few (if any) happy marriages. I think one problem now is that men have all the responsibility and women have the power. Does this sound like a contract you want to make?

Quoted: Guys who answer like Rodent are little picture guys who might be fun to hang out with on the weekend but are no place to gain insight about the better things in life.

Sheesh, just yesterday I was a "Nazi Communist Democrat shallow moronic simpleton", and now I'm a "little picture guy". At this rate I'll be a child-molesting-Hillary-sympathizer before long.

I would examine your willingness to be in relationships you know don't have a future as a character flaw in yourself that you need to examine.

Really now, either give the kid a straight answer or joke around with him a little, but what in his post could possibly motivate you to find a "character flaw" to pontificate about?? I bet you're not a lot of "fun to hang out with on the weekend".

I have the following comments.

Been married twice. First time for 12.5 years and I have three kids from that marriage. I put up with years of he lunacy. She is/was certifiable.

I just celebrated 18 years with my second and last wife. If anything happens to her I'm done with marriage.

No man should get married before he's 30. No woman before she's 25. To do so before these ages and have a long-term successful marriage is very difficult. Too many things pulling you in too directions before then. Take this for what it's worth. YMMV.

Assuming you love your wife to begin with, you will never love a woman more than when she is the mother ot your child.

If you do not love the woman, then I guess you might feel trapped.  Who knows.

But if it is real love, then the kids just make it that much better.

Imagine life without the person in your life.  There is an expression that says "Marry not the person you can live with, but the person you can not live without".  

Lois

Quoted: For the married or soon to be, here are some questions I'd like you to ask you. What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one?  I guess simply put, time, and that "fuzzy" feeling How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you? two years?  but we had gone to school together throughout high school ,so we had started out as friends for a while, and it escallated What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other? coming from VERY different homelives has caused friction, but allowing ourselves to lean on and depend on each other, and keeping our faith as one in Jesus has held us together like Gorilla Glue on Cosmoline Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both?  honestly, personality first, looks second Do you have kids?  How did they change the marriage?  Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy?  no kids, yet.  (finishing college first) Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?  a world of difference, but my easy-going personality and her intense desire to get out of her family home made the transition easy Does your wife share or put up with your interests?  Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife? she prefers not to join in my gun hobby, but we enjoy most all else together. Thanks!

I would honestly recommend spending a decently lengthy engagement period.  It irons out the what-ifs.

What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one?

Too many things to list.  I could picture us growing old together, though.

How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you?

Six months.  We waited another eighteen months before the ceremony, though.

What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other?

She puts up with my (admitted) laziness around the house.  She puts up with all the time I spend on the computer or at the loading bench.  I pretty much got the best end of the deal, really.  

Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both?

As far as looks are concerned, neither of us much of a catch.  Still, she's beautiful to me.  I love her soul.

Do you have kids? How did they change the marriage? Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy?

I married into instant family.  She had a fifteen year-old daughter when we met.  When she turned eighteen, she moved out and got married to a jerk.  Three years and two kids later, they divorced and she moved home with the kids.  My wife quit work to do daycare.  If I had to point to something on which I had to "compromise," that would be it - but I consider it just part of the package.  I knew what I was getting into when I asked her to marry me.  I understand my job in the relationship.  She understands hers.

Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?

Lots more sex, at least at first.  A lot better sex, for sure.  "Making love" is not a euphemism for "having sex."  The two are not the same.  The house is clean a lot more often than it used to be.  I've always got a date on Saturday night if I want one.  Once you're happily married, you realize how much being alone sucks.

Does your wife share or put up with your interests?

She puts up with mine, I put up with hers.  Just another part of the job description.

Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife?

Hell yes.

You want to know the secret for a happy marriage?

You must like each other.  And you both have to understand that your job in the marriage is keep your partner happy.  

That means:  doing things they want to do that you don't, and not bitching about it, and letting them out of doing things you know they don't want to do.  Compromise, compromise, compromise.  I might not want to do something, but it's worth it to make her happy.  She does the same.  I do what I can to make sure she doesn't have to do things she doesn't want to, and she does the same.  And constantly ask yourself, "Am I doing my job?"

Marriage is work.  Every job has some aspect that you don't like, but you should enjoy it overall, or don't say "I do."  And you'd better feel like you're married before you march down the aisle and make it legal.  The ceremony should be exactly that - ceremonial - a tradition to let everyone else know what you two already do.

Good luck.

I agree with the no marriage before 30 for the guy.  I am not sure I would agree that a woman is ready for marriage at 25.  She might need a little more time also.

These numbers can change with the person, and have certainly changed over history.  But in today's culture, it seems you should not even consider it in the 20's, especially the early 20's.

That said, I met my wife @ 16 years ago.  We got married about 8 years ago.  And man oh man, life could not be better.

I have seen way to many bad marriages, and boy do they make the participants miserable.  But when you find one that works.  There is nothing better other than being a parent.

Good luck finding happiness.

Quoted: For the married or soon to be, here are some questions I'd like you to ask you. What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one? How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you? What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other? Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both? Do you have kids?  How did they change the marriage?  Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy? Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?   Does your wife share or put up with your interests?  Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife? Almost all of my past relationships lasted months to years in time, and I never once really could see any of those girls being the one for me.  Maybe it's due to my age now or just this girl, but somethings clicked and I'm interested in taking things to the next level with her.  I'd just like some input and thoughts about what you think about us from what I described as well as your own experiences and lessons you have to share. Thanks!

Well, to answer your questions:

1. She was very upfront and honest with me right from the get go....

2. Around 2 years...

3. Oh man, lots of things but I've since learn not to expect too much. Basically, I'm a happy go lucky type of guy..... simply put, I have to put up with aLot of her shit....

4.  Looks and her ability to cook...

5. well....... soon we'll have 5+ kids....

6. lots.... for the worse? (my wife will kill me for typing this... ) j/k.

7. Lot's of compromises on both sides.... I'd like to post more but I may end up in the doghouse soon....  

Quoted: For the married or soon to be, here are some questions I'd like you to ask you. What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one?

I liked her and respected her. Also loved her of course but that is not enough IMO.
Had 3 women out of many that I almost asked to marry me. I made the right choice.
Further, I was sure that she felt the same way and I knew I could trust her.

How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you?

2 months.
Asked her not long after.
We lived together for 3 years before we married though. Long story that is still a sore spot with my wife 26 years later.  I don't bring it up!

What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other?

Women and families are very expensive.  I would be a multi-millionaire.
We used to quibble about all kinds of stupid shit. We have both got over it.  Don't sweat the small shit.
People don't change.

Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both?

Physical attraction is generally the first cut.
After that the rest has to be there also to make a relationship work.

Do you have kids?  How did they change the marriage?  Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy?

Yes and no on the last question. Complicated issue.  Most men start their first affair while wife is pregnant.  Not right but I can understand how it happens.
Kids are great.  Best thing I ever did.
Definitely can be a strain on the marriage though.
You don't have time for one another oftentimes. Financial strain.
To a man, his wife will always come first.
To a woman, her kids will.

That is as it should be BTW.

Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?

Nag, nag, nag....
And my wife wasn't even bad compared to most!

Does your wife share or put up with your interests?

Some. Not a lot.
It works for us.
I like my alone time BTW. Hiking or hunting in the Forest with my dog is my idea of a great time.  Going out I can pass on but women like that.

I'd just like some input and thoughts about what you think about us from what I described as well as your own experiences and lessons you have to share. Thanks!

What you see is what you get--ie people don't change. So accept her as is or forget about it. And then don't sweat the small stuff.

It is nice to have some hobbies you do yourself also. You definitely are not going to want to be together all the time. Politics and religion are biggies though. I could never marry a lib IOW.

Quoted: For the married or soon to be, here are some questions I'd like you to ask you. What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one? We shared the same views of family, God, politics, and love of adventure including hunting. How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you?  2.5 years What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other? I like all the things I married her for plus new things such as her exceptional mothering for our children.  I dislike that she lets the garbage under the kitchen sink overflow and doesn't want sex 25 times a day now that we have kids (But it happens often enough)  The plus factors are so much more significant than the negative factors that it's easy to ignore the negatives. Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both? Looks got me to talk to her commonalities made me stay.  (I still find her to be exceptionally hot, but I may be blinded by lust)  If my wife was horribly disfigured in an accident (God forbid) it wouldn't matter to me. I'd love her just the same.  The only problem is, if she sarted out unatractive I may not have met her. Do you have kids?  How did they change the marriage?  Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy?  Yes.  It's a totally different marriage.  But since we had common ground we made the transition from being centered on ourselves to centered on the kids but still seeking time to ourselves somewhat smoothly.  During the pregnancy was awesome.  After our son was born her interest in me was reduced for a while.  The baby took so much of her energy she had little left for me.  Our youngest is 5 now and things are back to the way they were between us.  It's more difficult to find together time but the kids are in bed fairly early and we make the most of it. Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?  Better food, less parties.  But that had as much to do with growing up as it did with marriage. Does your wife share or put up with your interests?  Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife?  We share most interests.  She hunts, fishes, canoes, camps, and plays guitar with me.  I don't work in textiles she doesn't work in wood or metal.  (Though she is one of the most handy around the home women I know.)  I buy feminine hygene products late at night because I want to protect her by leaving her in the relative safety of our house while I go to the store at 10 pm. Thanks!

Quoted: Prenup.

If you have anything of value Pre-Nup and do not put her name on anything seperate checking accounts work great too, you can still have trust in a relationship with these things in place.  Also good advice I got and believe "buy all your toys before you marry".

Tag for when I have time.

What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one?

I felt good when I was with her.  It felt natural, as if we had known each other all our lives.

How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you?

Six months.


What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other?

I like the way we can just BE together, without having to do something.  I dislike the way she constantly worries about everything.   We compromise on how to raise the kids and how to spend our money.

Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both?

We married because we loved each other and, more importantly, LIKED each other.

Do you have kids?  How did they change the marriage?  Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy?

We have two.  The first almost destroyed the marriage---it changed our lives dramatically and made us both grow up.  The second was a cakewalk and it did make us grow closer...of course, by then we were already grown up.  


Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?  

Not that much.  Homelife didn't change that dramatically till the first kid was born.


Does your wife share or put up with your interests?  Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife?


We share some interests.  We both like photography, although I am more into it artistically and she is more into it as a way to document our family.  We both like the outdoors and going to national parks.  Things that I do despite not wanting to...mostly going to craft fairs with her.

Quoted: 1. What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one? 2. How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you? 3. What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other? 4. Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both? 5. Do you have kids?  How did they change the marriage?  Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy? 6. Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?   7. Does your wife share or put up with your interests?  Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife?

1. I just "knew." Sounds hoky, I know, but I just knew it.
2. I knew I wanted to marry her before we were officially "a couple."
3. Not sure how to answer. We get along really well and just kinda go with the flow.
4. Both. My wife is good looking. Was on her own before we got married, so she had a good head on her shoulders, too. And she can cook.
5. Three kids. Yes, it changes the relationship. Grew closer during pregnancy, and after the children were born, it kinda saps some of the zip out of the marriage relationship due to your time and energy getting split four ways (three kids and you wife) instead of it all going towards your wife. One kid is easy, two isn't terribly hard, three kids can be a handful at times...but they are awesome and worth it.
6. My life changed for the better all the way around. She lets me be who I am and do what I need to do to have fun (same in reverse, too). It was the kids that made me clamp down on my recreational life (motorcycle racing, etc.), not my wife.
7. Yes, there are some things she shares and some that she puts up with, same the other way around, too.

Dude, if it's right, and you KNOW this is THE girl, your life will get BETTER. Trust me.

ETA: I was 29 and she was 23 when we got married.  It was perfect for both of us, age wise.

Quoted: Quoted: Oh good luck telling some 27 year old girl who's never been married that getting married is a stupid idea and you'll just shack up til the end of time, she won't go for it. Well, lead her on as long as you can, then   Actually can't blame the wimmens for wanting it. Marriage is still a good deal for them - some lovely parting gifts even if it doesn't last.

LOL.

For the married or soon to be, here are some questions I'd like you to ask you.

What was the deciding factor/factors that make you relize she was the one?

How long were you two single but together before you thought about asking her or asked her to marry you?

I met my wife at work, I actually trained her. She became my best friend and we were just really good friends for 3 years before we started going out. I sort of knew from the time I started going out with her that she was 'the one'. Not a perfect match, but somehow possessed all of the qualities that I thought were necessary in a woman to be my wife.


What things in your marriage do you like and dislike and what do you find yourself compromising on with each other?

For most married couples the biggest issues are: Money, Control over Money, Sex, Child Raising Expectations, different expectations of the different roles played by the husband and wife, and communication. (Women communicate very differently).

In my case, we had very few problems over money, some issues over control of money at first - until my wife started to feel more secure.  The biggest problems that I had were over issues with my step-son. Piled on top of that were communication problems (English was not her first language) so not only did we have the different ways of how men and women communicate, but we had come from completely different cultures. And even though she spoke to me in English and I understood it perfectly, her meaning of her words and sentances were totally different.

It was like someone said "Can you pour me a cup of Coffee?" When she really mean't can you pour me a glass of milk.

Lots of frustration.

If a woman is telling you all of her problems, it isn't because she want's it fixed, she is just venting so you will empathize with her. If she wants a fix to her problems she will ask you for a solution.

Did you marry out of looks, commonalities? or a combination of both?

Looks were my lowest priority. As we get older, we put on weight, get wrinkles and gray hair. I looked for some commonalities, but more importantly I took a very hard look at her character and liked what I saw. She was a girl who would never cheat on me, and never leave me if I had lost everything. She has grit.


Do you have kids?  How did they change the marriage?  Did you grow closer to your wife during and after pregnancy?

Kids bring stress to a marriage. The wife becomes a mother and her attention shifts from the husband to the child. The husband becomes mostly just a money making machine, and the marriage relationship can easily suffer from neglect. Major problems will arise from this, and for the woman, a crisis will hit her when the last child leaves home. A crisis will hit the husband sometime in their forties, when they have achieved their major goals in life and they start to ask "Is this it? Is this all there is?"

Women after giving birth will frequently go into post partum depression. Children are easiest from age 4 - 12 after which they become a major nightmare until somewhere around 17 - 19 years old.

Going from being a single bachelor to a married man, how did your homelife change?  

My biggest change was that I simply could not do whatever I wanted to do, or come and go as I please or spend money on whatever I wanted. Both the wife and I had to learn not only each other after we got married, but we had to really learn about ourselves and understand how our past experiences cause us to behave in a certain way.

Marriages go through stages. There is the honeymoon stage which will last from one week to about 2 years, where everything is great. Then comes an Adjustment Period where our true selves are come out and are revealed, and the battles over control will occur. This stage will only end once both the man and the woman learns to accept differences between the reality of the person they married and their own ideals of what their mate is supposed to be.

Women are notorious for looking at a man as a "fixer upper": someone she can change. Men are under the illusion that they will never have to change.

Marriage changes you big time and if both the wife or husband doesn't change, then the marriage ends up in divorce. Acceptance and compromise is crucial. And in order to change you have to understand yourself. Once you begin to change, you move into a different stage of marriage.

Happiness comes from within, always keep that in mind. You can trade horses and run with another gal, but you will end up with just about as many problems as you did before.

If you find a girl who has a lot in common with you, like the one you described. Don't hesitate, just say "I Do". Because odds are you won't find another woman who will be as good of a match.

Does your wife share or put up with your interests?  Are there things you do for her that you don't necessarily want to do, but just do because she's your wife?

My wife has learned to accept that we have some different interests. If you want your marriage to remain intact, you will learn to do things for your wife without her asking, and she will learn to do the same. You will be more concerned about her feelings and needs than your own (and she will do the same) this is called Altruistic Love. And while it can be very difficult, it eventually returns its own rewards.

Don't play the game of trading favors. Love is a paradox, it is a game of losing, and it is through losing that you end up winning. And as you grow in your marriage you will watch your Romantic Love fade away and be replaced by a different type of love (if you manage to get out of the second stage of marriage).

Staying Married can be one of the most challenging things that you will ever do in Life.

My advice to you, is to for the two of you to read up on marriage, and work at improving yourselves and your relationship everyday. A Marriage Relationship is a living thing it needs care and attention, otherwise it will end up dead. And it is constant never ending work.

Quoted: Quoted: Guys who answer like Rodent are little picture guys who might be fun to hang out with on the weekend but are no place to gain insight about the better things in life. Sheesh, just yesterday I was a "Nazi Communist Democrat shallow moronic simpleton", and now I'm a "little picture guy". At this rate I'll be a child-molesting-Hillary-sympathizer before long. I would examine your willingness to be in relationships you know don't have a future as a character flaw in yourself that you need to examine.   Really now, either give the kid a straight answer or joke around with him a little, but what in his post could possibly motivate you to find a "character flaw" to pontificate about?? I bet you're not a lot of "fun to hang out with on the weekend".

Well, would you vote for her? J/K

I think a good analogy would be getting homebuying advice from a guy that thinks you should only rent because x% of homes go into foreclosure and you lose all your equity when that happens.

Rather, look at the (sorry, can't help myself) "big picture" and compare the benefits of homebuying  to renting, and then set yourself up for success.

Yes, renting is safe, but you aren't building anything there either. And its true that losing the "house" is a tragedy but with careful preparation and planning you have done what you can to make things work. Sometimes it falls apart anyway but the goal is worth the risk.

I don't go around telling people everything I think they are doing wrong. But this guy asked for opinions and I perceived an area where I felt I could throw in some requested and constructive advice.

michaelj1978 told us that he chooses and stays in relationships which are less than what he knows are the best out there. Having someone point out that this might be a part of himself that he might wish to examine and work on shouldn't be taken as an insult.

I referred to your post because it is a classic example of a perspective that doesn't leave room for the best that life has to offer. You can't hit a home run if you're afraid to lose the ball.

As far as being fun on the weekends? I'd have to say guilty as charged. I'm mostly a homebody anyway and between family, work, business and there is not a whole lot else that happens. But I'll put my priorities next to yours any day. I'm not trying to make this personal but what does anybody really have to learn from your perspective?

Quoted: But I'll put my priorities next to yours any day. I'm not trying to make this personal but what does anybody really have to learn from your perspective?

Well, for starters, I have experience with a long-term marriage and lots of subsequent relationships. And I can't think of a single person who has a better "marriage" than me (even though we're not married in the eyes of lawyers).

Bottom line: kids just out of college are not going to miss "the best life has to offer" by traveling, maturing and dating before marrying.

    Write down a list, most important at the top, the things YOU like in life...don't b.s. yourself. Write down the things you will not accept. Start dating and look at a date as a job interview. Start asking questions and making observations and compare answers to your list.
    I was looking for a woman within 5 years of my age, younger. Non smoker. Non Drinker. No drugs. Athletic. Boater. Same religion....etc.
    Forget how good looking they are...that will take care of itself. Be selfish about what your likes are, and then find somebody that likes what you like. DO NOT compromise your most important values or issues...that leads to divorce.
    The list must be in writing so you cannot compromise an important issue just because she is good looking. You will be surprised what is or is not on your list, and how much time you will not waste on some gal that just looks good. Opposites might attract, but they end up in court arguing over the kids, the house, and the money.

Fair enough.

JUST DON'T DO IT!!  
Marriage provieds you, the man, with only one benefit.  A small tax break.  The rest of the benefits fall to the woman.  Now, it's your decision.  However let me make a few points:

1.  If you have a good relationship, being married won't change anything
2.  If you think you need to be married to keep her, then she ISN'T the one
3.  If you do get a divorce, be prepaired to be raped and raked over the coals
4.  Do you have money?  If so, you must think about WHY she want's to marry you.

IF you are still going to marry her think of a few things first.

1.  If you have any money (retirement, savings, etc, or are in a job that provides you with a retirement, pension, benefits after retirement, stocks, etc).  Have her sign a prenup.  If she won't sign it, then you don't want her.  Remember this when you are at the critical juncture of putting paper in front of her.  If she loves you, then she won't care about your financial assets.  If she refuses to sign, then move on.  

ALSO, 7-8 months is not long enough time to see her real self.  Women are great at putting on a nice face before they get married.  

Many of them look at being married as a license to slack off on a few areas.  Their looks, how nice they are to you, how far they will go for you, what so called "chores" they will perform.  

Does she expect to continue working after you are married, or does she see an exit from the workforce?

Does she want kids/have kids, etc.  How is she with money?  Does she bitch and throw fits when all you give her is a card and a nice dinner on valentines day?  

Would she gripe about a small diamond for a wedding band?  If she does, then she EXPECTS to be pampered, versus appriciating it.  There is a difference.  A woman that EXPECTS to be pampered will be a very large burden to carry.

Does she own a home?  

What is she giving up to be married to you?  If she looses nothing, but gains much, then you must examine her motives VERY closely.  

What does she expect to get out of your relationship?  I mean:  What are her life goals?  Does she depend on you for minor things, or is she a confident self-starter?  Depending on your personality, eithor could be a problem down the line.

How controlling is she?  If you forget something, or make a mess and don't clean it up right away, what's her reaction (this could change after marriage)?  

Like I said.  If you have a good, strong relationship, then being married shouldn't change anything.  If she dumps you because you won't marry her, but you live with her and basically are married (but not)  then she isn't the one.  If she nags you about it, she isn't the one.  

What's your sex life like?  Divide that by 10, and that's how much you will have after you are married (most likely).  

Is she educated...college?  Depending on her age, this could be a major deciding factor.  If she has a college degree (bachelors) and she is your age, then that shows that she can stick with something and she is more apt to desire to have a career (something very good for you both).  If she is 27 and no degree then maybe you need to look closer at her motives.  I am not saying that women that have not been to college can't be hard working, but ask youself this.  Why do employers desire college educated people more than non-college educated?  It's not because they are smarter, it's because they are more professional and they are, on average, more committed (they have to be to graduate).  Like I said, this isn't true in every instance, nor true to every person, but the odds show I am correct.

Does she complain when you spend your money on yourself, when you buy an expensive and surperfulous item?  Does she tell you how to spend your $?  Does she support your hobbies, goals and activities?  

Does she snoop?  If so, this is a sign of a very un-confident and untrusting person.  Snooping is NOT ok.  Does she want to know where you are at all times, curfew?  Does she complain about you spending time with your buddies versus her?  Does she try to control your time and push you towards goals that might benefit her.......like you taking a promotion or a class that may give you more $, but will bring you more headache?  

All of these thinga above should be discussed, re-discussed and responses compaired.  I'm not trying to rain on your parade or your girl.  I am only trying to protect you from potential fiancial and emotional setbacks that could severly alter your life.  Please, please please please think about it hard and long before you get married.  

On an ending note, 50% of marriages end in divorce.  Women and men cheat on their spouses on an equal rate.  Women make out better in divorces, except on very rare occassions.  Lawyers fees and court costs are high for a divorce, and you will be set back about 10 years if you do get divorces (without a prenup).  

PROTECT YOURSELF.  You wouldn't have sex without a condom, don't get married without a pre-nup!


Oh, and I forgot to mention.  You will not have time or $ to enjoy all the things you once did.  No matter how much time you think you will have, making it will be much more difficult.  You can't just go out and do things on a whim any more.  You can't make impulse buys (guns).  You can't just go out with your buddies and end up on some random couch with some random girl anymore.  Just think of all these freedoms that you enjoy that you will loose if you get married.

It should be illegal to get married before you've visited a few foreign countries and met normal, happy women who don't have a sense of entitlement. American women tend to be alimoney bombs looking for a place to go off. There are exceptions, of course, but that's their factory default.