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Posted: 2/19/2006 2:17:31 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/19/2006 2:23:16 PM EDT by ARDOC]
#1

Me: Hello this is Dr. ARDOC

Patient: I have been bleeding for 4 weeks now.

Me: So what makes you call at 4 am?

Patient: It wont stop. And I cant sleep.
So you dont think the rest of us sleep?

Me: Was it bleeding yesterday?

Patient: Yes.

Me: Then why did you call the office during office hours? Just goto the ER if it bothers you this much.



#2

Me: Hello Dr.Ardoc

Patient: I am in severe pain and I need a refil on my pain meds

Me: We dont call in narcotics over the weekend.

Patient: But I just ran out.

Me: Why didnt you call before when the office was open?

Patient: I forgot the number.

Me: How did you just reach me then?

Patient: I NEED pain meds.

Me: Call the office on Monday.


#3

Me : Hello Dr.ARDOC

Male voice: Who is this and why you callin my woman

Me: I was paged to this number.

Male voice: Well she be fine and has no problems. Click.

I get paged to the number again like 5 more times. I refuse to call back.


#4
Variation on #2

Me: Hello Dr.Ardoc

Patient: I need vicoden and not the weak ones, the really big ones.

Me: We dont call in narcotics

Patient: But my car was just stolen and had my pills in them.

Me: Then you need to get me a copy of the police report.

Patient: I didnt file a report.

Me: Then you dont need Vicoden that bad.


Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:24:47 PM EDT
You can get vicodin?
Hook me up!

Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:25:55 PM EDT

Originally Posted By The_Reaper:
You can get vicodin?
Hook me up!




NO!
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:26:30 PM EDT
The best part is, most of our society thinks you should do this for free.

I have a good one regarding eating fish. How much detail is a HIPAA violation?


JOE
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:27:33 PM EDT

Originally Posted By ARDOC:

Originally Posted By The_Reaper:
You can get vicodin?
Hook me up!




NO!



How about some Percocet?
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:28:06 PM EDT

Originally Posted By ARDOC:

Originally Posted By The_Reaper:
You can get vicodin?
Hook me up!




NO!



what's your number? I'd like to call
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:28:39 PM EDT
You think your job sucks?
I gotta drive 150 miles tomorrow.....and back.
It is a Golf tournament.....but I gotta do it. It is business related, and people expect me there.

It sucks.


I sell Liquor, wine and beer the rest of the time.


Things are tough all over.

jj
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:30:19 PM EDT

Originally Posted By 1337DO:
The best part is, most of our society thinks you should do this for free.

I have a good one regarding eating fish. How much detail is a HIPAA violation?


JOE



No names, no locations, no HIPPA violation.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:30:53 PM EDT
Phone call in the middle of the night to a veternarian:

Vet: Hello.

Woman: You've got to help me! My little dog Rex is "hooked up" with a female dog and can't get lose.

Vet: Hit him with a broom.

Woman: I did! It didn't work.

Vet: Spray him with a garden hose.

Woman: I did! It didn't work!

Vet: Hang up. Hold the phone close to him and I will call. When it rings, he will quit.

Woman: Do you think it will work?

Vet: It did for me.

Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:34:45 PM EDT
I feel your pain... but that's funny!! It always amazes me how some people manage to get themselves out of bed in the morning.... God help us!!
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:36:06 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Old_Painless:
Phone call in the middle of the night to a veternarian:

Vet: Hello.

Woman: You've got to help me! My little dog Rex is "hooked up" with a female dog and can't get lose.

Vet: Hit him with a broom.

Woman: I did! It didn't work.

Vet: Spray him with a garden hose.

Woman: I did! It didn't work!

Vet: Hang up. Hold the phone close to him and I will call. When it rings, he will quit.

Woman: Do you think it will work?

Vet: It did for me.





Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:36:09 PM EDT
A lot of people abuse the system to get narcotics. But a lot of doctors IMO won't even give out the good stuff like demorahol when its needed a patient asks for it.

I had my tonsils out, and I asked the doctor for demorahol for pain, or something as strong as that becuase it worked for me in the past, and he gave me some weak ass pain pills.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:38:15 PM EDT
ARDOC,
Same thing here in EL all the time....

Be strong, get out early.

BT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:41:58 PM EDT

Originally Posted By MST2:
A lot of people abuse the system to get narcotics. But a lot of doctors IMO won't even give out the good stuff like demorahol when its needed a patient asks for it.

I had my tonsils out, and I asked the doctor for demorahol for pain, or something as strong as that becuase it worked for me in the past, and he gave me some weak ass pain pills.



First of all most of us have stopped using Demerol. It breaks down into toxic subchemicals that have caused patients problems.

Second Demerol is mostly given via IM or IV. I doubt you any IV sites on your body at this moment.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:45:40 PM EDT

Originally Posted By ARDOC:

Originally Posted By MST2:
A lot of people abuse the system to get narcotics. But a lot of doctors IMO won't even give out the good stuff like demorahol when its needed a patient asks for it.

I had my tonsils out, and I asked the doctor for demorahol for pain, or something as strong as that becuase it worked for me in the past, and he gave me some weak ass pain pills.



First of all most of us have stopped using Demerol. It breaks down into toxic subchemicals that have caused patients problems.

Second Demerol is mostly given via IM or IV. I doubt you any IV sites on your body at this moment.



I tell you what, demerhol is some good shit.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:50:59 PM EDT
My life story:

Huge Gang Banger: Hey, wha' chu got in dat box?

Paramedic: Bandages dude.

Huge Gang Banger: Das it? No drugs?

Paramedic: Nope. Sorry.

Huge Gang Banger: Yah, right. Bet it's the good stuff too.

Paramedic: No.

Huge Gang Banger: Well, lemme look anyway. Give here!

LAPD, walking up: HEY!

Huge Gang Banger: Shit! (Runs away)


Over and over and over........


Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:51:44 PM EDT
I am probably gonna get flamed for this but I friggin HATE Vicodin.. got a scrip for it when I went in for surgery and took one the first night,,, hated the way I felt... Took regular tylenol. Took the edge off the pain... no biggie.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:53:43 PM EDT

Originally Posted By MST2:

Originally Posted By ARDOC:

Originally Posted By MST2:
A lot of people abuse the system to get narcotics. But a lot of doctors IMO won't even give out the good stuff like demorahol when its needed a patient asks for it.

I had my tonsils out, and I asked the doctor for demorahol for pain, or something as strong as that becuase it worked for me in the past, and he gave me some weak ass pain pills.



First of all most of us have stopped using Demerol. It breaks down into toxic subchemicals that have caused patients problems.

Second Demerol is mostly given via IM or IV. I doubt you any IV sites on your body at this moment.



I tell you what, demerhol is some good shit.



especially if you double the dosage and wash it down with a BIG glass of chardonnay. My wife would put on the reggae station for me before she left the house at 8am, an hour later it was 5pm and she was home from work!
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:57:15 PM EDT
One of my associates was on call at the hospital. We have to take calls for patients of our training clinic. Approx 3am gets a page to call patient at home.

Dr: What can I do for you?

Patient: I was wondering if it would be okay for me to eat fish?

Dr: I guess?? Why do you ask?

Patient: I was awake and I would really like to eat some fish.

Dr: I don't see why not.

Patient: So I can eat fish?

Dr: I think that would be fine.

Patient: They told me not to eat fish...

Dr: What are you not telling me? Do you have an allergy of some sort?

Patient: I had a treatment for my thyroid[ablation], and I was told not to eat fish for 24 hours.

Dr: When was that?

Patient: Yesterday afternoon.

Dr: [Figures out what's going on] If it hasn't been 24 hours, then no. Don't eat any fish.

Patient: But I would really like to eat some fish now.

Dr: Please wait the 24 hours like you were told earlier. Anything else?

Patient: Yes, they said no consumption.

Dr: Consumption of what?

Patient: No consumption.

Dr: ?? Please spell this out.

Patient: C-O-N-C-E-P-T-I-O-N

Dr: [Expalins] Anything else?

Patient: So no fish?

Dr: No. Goodnight.


Interestingly, most of the amusing stories come from my co-workers, when they happen to be taking care of patients normally assigned to me.


JOE
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 3:01:42 PM EDT

Originally Posted By DrFrige:
I am probably gonna get flamed for this but I friggin HATE Vicodin.. got a scrip for it when I went in for surgery and took one the first night,,, hated the way I felt... Took regular tylenol. Took the edge off the pain... no biggie.




You and me both. Two Extra Strength Tylenol's and I'm good. I hate feeling loopy on med's.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 3:05:38 PM EDT
The few times I was given demorhol, it was the best feeling. They always gave it to me in a shot.

If they could make that in a pill, the doctors would be selling out of it.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 3:18:59 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 3:22:55 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 3:29:08 PM EDT


Thanks for the hard work you guys do... post some more calls please.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 3:38:05 PM EDT
My buddy feels your pain for sure. He pulls all nighters at a hospital in NYC. Here is the text message he sent me the other night (3am EST).

"Hey man. I am the night time gynecologist for the entire hospital, and I am up to my ears in c*$t. How are you and the wife?"



I laughed my ass off

--VT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 3:50:40 PM EDT
ARDOC, can I have your number?

I want to call at about 2:00am and say this...

"Doc, it hurts when I do this"

Then see what you say, that would be funny as hell

GM
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 3:51:48 PM EDT

Originally Posted By drjarhead:



you and ARDOC need to team up on a 'tales from jaded doctors' thread.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 3:54:27 PM EDT

Originally Posted By bastiat:

Originally Posted By drjarhead:



you and ARDOC need to team up on a 'tales from jaded doctors' thread.



I wish like hell I had kept a journal. I could've written one helluva book.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 3:55:56 PM EDT

Originally Posted By drjarhead:

Originally Posted By bastiat:

Originally Posted By drjarhead:



you and ARDOC need to team up on a 'tales from jaded doctors' thread.



I wish like hell I had kept a journal. I could've written one helluva book.



Hell, sit down at the keyboard with a case of beer and start writing. The stories would get even better!
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 3:58:20 PM EDT
I feel your pain, we(FD) get called "to" them, not just from them, I could fill 100 pages with the BS calls we go on, and because of liability concerns, we have to tell most of them to go to the E.R. The calls that get me the most are like the ones you mentioned, 3am, and they don't feel well, you ask how long have you felt this way, and they say for 4 days. They always seem to decide to call in the middle of the night. We had an adult male, and I use that term lightly, call us in the middle of the night because he couldn't go to the bathroom, we told him that wasn't an emergency, and he said "It is when I can't BOO BOO", in a whiney voice.......What do you do but roll your eyes, and go on, this guy went to the E.R. via ambulance, because he couldn't BOO BOO. We thought about it later, but we should have brought in a fire hose, and said we can fix you right up.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 3:59:31 PM EDT

Originally Posted By DrFrige:
I am probably gonna get flamed for this but I friggin HATE Vicodin.. got a scrip for it when I went in for surgery and took one the first night,,, hated the way I felt... Took regular tylenol. Took the edge off the pain... no biggie.




I did not know you can get pain meds for hemmorid surgery....
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 4:04:30 PM EDT
Doc, call these people back about two weeks later at 4.00AM and ask if the meds are working.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 4:08:05 PM EDT

Originally Posted By sta1treeman:
I feel your pain, we(FD) get called "to" them, not just from them, I could fill 100 pages with the BS calls we go on, and because of liability concerns, we have to tell most of them to go to the E.R. The calls that get me the most are like the ones you mentioned, 3am, and they don't feel well, you ask how long have you felt this way, and they say for 4 days. They always seem to decide to call in the middle of the night. We had an adult male, and I use that term lightly, call us in the middle of the night because he couldn't go to the bathroom, we told him that wasn't an emergency, and he said "It is when I can't BOO BOO", in a whiney voice.......What do you do but roll your eyes, and go on, this guy went to the E.R. via ambulance, because he couldn't BOO BOO. We thought about it later, but we should have brought in a fire hose, and said we can fix you right up.



What the hell is boo boo?
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 4:08:44 PM EDT
I am beginning to believe that they should only allow their use for hospitalized pts. That would reveal just how many narcotic abusers there are out there and uncover the codependent bullshit that many physicians take part in.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 4:12:20 PM EDT

Originally Posted By MST2:

I tell you what, demerhol is some good shit.



Doesn't do SHIT for me! They kept trying to give that to me, to help me sleep...I'd tell them, that shit doesn't work on me....I've been taking Pain Meds SO long...doesn't do shit.....they'd come back in my room.....why aren't U asleep?.......
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 4:13:54 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/19/2006 4:17:09 PM EDT by ScotClayton]

Originally Posted By DrFrige:
I am probably gonna get flamed for this but I friggin HATE Vicodin.. got a scrip for it when I went in for surgery and took one the first night,,, hated the way I felt... Took regular tylenol. Took the edge off the pain... no biggie.



I hate Morphine...shit makes me sick.....

I take Lortab 10's, approx every 4 to 6 with Oxy kickers when needed....

edited for clarification....I guess I should state that I'm disabled, have big ass rods, and long ass screws in my spine....I would say that you get used to pain....but I haven't now...going on 6 years!
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 4:20:36 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/19/2006 4:23:38 PM EDT by sta1treeman]

Originally Posted By ctprelude:

Originally Posted By sta1treeman:
I feel your pain, we(FD) get called "to" them, not just from them, I could fill 100 pages with the BS calls we go on, and because of liability concerns, we have to tell most of them to go to the E.R. The calls that get me the most are like the ones you mentioned, 3am, and they don't feel well, you ask how long have you felt this way, and they say for 4 days. They always seem to decide to call in the middle of the night. We had an adult male, and I use that term lightly, call us in the middle of the night because he couldn't go to the bathroom, we told him that wasn't an emergency, and he said "It is when I can't BOO BOO", in a whiney voice.......What do you do but roll your eyes, and go on, this guy went to the E.R. via ambulance, because he couldn't BOO BOO. We thought about it later, but we should have brought in a fire hose, and said we can fix you right up.



What the hell is boo boo?

It is the "ethnic " term for shit. ie.. I can't booboo,.... means I can't shit.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 5:19:49 PM EDT
Booboo = taking a shit
Vomiking = throwing up

There are so many other pseudo words you would be surprised.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 5:29:59 PM EDT
I never saw the appeal of Vicodin, either. Got some when I broke an arm bone, and it seemed pretty candy-ass to me. If I'm going to take drugs the pain has to be bad, and if it's that bad I want to be knocked flat on my ass until it's all over.

Still got some in the medicine cabinet. Hey, maybe I could sell it on eBay!
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 5:31:08 PM EDT
Funny story told to me by my cousin who is a State Trooper;

At the time he was a new Trooper. Pulls over lady for speeding, she is heading away from the city. He does the normal and asks her if there was any particular reason why she was speeding. She says, "I'm having a miscarriage, I need to get to a hospital!" He thinks this is odd because she is not heading towards a hospital. She then sticks her hand down her pants and shows him her bloody fingers. He calls dispatch to get an ambulance (dispatch screws with him a little and repeatedly asks him where the lady is bleeding from - in attempts to get him to say "vagina" on the radio). Anyway, the ambulance arrives and they promptly find out that this woman is on the rag!
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 5:35:54 PM EDT

Originally Posted By ARDOC:
Booboo = taking a shit
Vomiking = throwing up

There are so many other pseudo words you would be surprised.

got the sugar-diabetic
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 5:40:27 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/19/2006 8:15:52 PM EDT by sta1treeman]
we had woman that called, and kept repeating she had a loop hanging out of her ass, we couldn't figure out what she meant, and finally realised she had hemmoroids, she wanted to show us, we declined.
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