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Posted: 2/19/2006 12:30:34 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/19/2006 12:37:42 PM EDT by w4klr]
I'm feeling generous, and not amused since ARFCOM had a slow day in the GD.

I will award a bronze membership to the funniest, most off the wall post posted before 5:15 EST time. Anything goes, poems, pictures, photoshops, jokes, whatever.

I am the judge, jury and executioner of this whole thing and will choose based off of my taste in humor.

You must not have an active subscription to be eligible. There are no rules, except that you must be CoC compliant.


ETA: Posts with a time stamp after 5:15 are not eligible!

As a bronze member you will enjoy the following:

- 1 Year Team Membership
- Forum tools such as My Active Topics
- Unlimited access to search engine for current topics (3 months)
- Unlimited access to the archives (data from launch!)
- Spellcheck service (spellcheck your posts on the site)
- Access to different skins (change site colors to fit your preferences!)
- Member Only Discussion Forum
- Discount on SEBR Rifles and other merchandise!
- Chance at items from AR15.Com given out each year!

Link Posted: 2/19/2006 12:35:51 PM EDT


It looks like he's out at 3rd base!
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 12:37:16 PM EDT
Greenland

The biggest cheater on the map. For centuries you've been using the Mercator to make yourself look bigger, fooling every kid into thinking that the world gets bigger at the edges. That there's plenty of icy wasteland left. Then it turns out you're just a Scandinavian trick, a medium-sized island sleeping under the harmless Danes.

A Scandinavian bait-and-switch twice over, in fact, since your very name "Greenland" was thought up by some Danish marketing hustlers to sucker colonists into settling there rather than in the far more habitable Iceland.

Greenland's claim to fame is that it's a third rate version of Iceland. Sure we used you to protect us from the Soviet Union... but with the Soviets history, you have literally no reason to exist.

Now the game is up. Ten years ago they come out with a new map, a more accurate one, and it shows what everybody feared, what everybody knew really: All the hot dirty parts of the world are much bigger than Mercator made them. And all the cool white parts are smaller. The nearer the poles, the smaller. So Greenland and Antarctica, the last ice-white refuges, are half the size everybody thought. And there's nowhere to run. So you're little more than another shameful example of European penis envy in relation to Africans, using a smoke and mirrors trick to try to make your island-penis bigger than Africa's.

And now you're melting, spoiling the last hope: that there's something under your ice. There's nothing but rock under there.

The Vikings tried you out a thousand years ago and died.

The Giant eskimos tried you out and died.

The dull little Inuit with their lawyers and claims to compensation hung on. Naturally. They're just a piece of the hot brown world transplanted. They'll last when the last of the ice is gone.

So you've got a lot of proud heritage to look back on: colony of Denmark, a "nation" whose total population is less than the yuzhni-vostochni okrug of Moscow; Denmark, known for its chunky girls, its cheap sausages and... well, there is no "and."

That's when you, Greenland, you traitor, reveal your true shape under the ice: the shape of Africa. Only smaller, thinner and boasting of little more than poaching grounds for Disney's vile Free Willy films. May you be the first victim of global warming, so that the world can finally see the awful lie that is Greenland.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 12:38:54 PM EDT
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 12:43:00 PM EDT
Dupe!!!1 ohnoes 87, 88'er !!!!!. t3h l33t i am.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 12:46:04 PM EDT
Why do they call it grape nuts? No grapes, no nuts.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 12:46:24 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 12:46:41 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/19/2006 12:49:06 PM EDT by echap]
Hey Ryan,

Did you see this thead in the "other" ARFCOM general discussion? It's pretty funny.

www.ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=6&f=2&t=191046

Remember, I showed it to you, and I'm a ham! K8CC_ (IM me if you want my call)

73,
Echap
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 12:47:15 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/19/2006 12:52:25 PM EDT by schwindj]
A friend of mine had been dating this girl for nearly a year and a half and had always wanteed to have anal sex. It was his birthday and he was over at her house watching television, she still lived with her parents at the time. She said that since it was his birthday his wish would come true. So they continue to sit on the couch and watch tv while they wait for her parents and grandparents to leave for the night. Her parents were taking her grandparents out to dinner and a play, so they would be gone for several hours.

Soon after her family leaves the two of them start messing around on the couch. They start doing their thing when all of a sudden the door from the garage flings open, and her whole family walks in because the forgot the tickets. Her entire body clenches up and he pulls out at the same time. A really bad idea. The result of that action pulled about three inches of her colon out of her ass, clearly visible to everyone in the room.

Needless to say they did not go see the play that night since a trip to the emergency room was more pressing. My friend was lucky enough to rirde 20 minutes to the hospital with both his girlfriend and her parents, while she still had her colon hanging out.

They are surprisingly still together, though something tells me they dont try unorthodox sex very frequently anymore.


James
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 12:47:40 PM EDT
this could get interesting.




No, i'm not entering. Just felt like posting my lootie pic.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 12:50:17 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Tras:
img364.imageshack.us/img364/1006/527lk.gif


Dude, if that cat's not over the age of 18 I'm pretty sure that's illegal.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 12:51:59 PM EDT
I'm not even playing this game..... it's going to get out of hand REALLY quick.

I'll just say:

Link Posted: 2/19/2006 12:55:24 PM EDT

Originally Posted By w4klr:

There are no rules, except that you must be CoC compliant.





Well that rules out my really funny story of how I killed a drifter with a plastic spork.

Oh well.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 12:58:48 PM EDT
www.comedycentral.com/sitewide/media_player/play.jhtml?itemId=58886

The Splendiferous Zeppelin Escapades of Filliam H. Muffman.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:00:45 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:01:47 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:06:19 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:07:42 PM EDT


A shirt I just bought
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:09:34 PM EDT

Originally Posted By USAF_Hop_N_Pop:
I'm not even playing this game..... it's going to get out of hand REALLY quick.

I'll just say:

i37.photobucket.com/albums/e86/ibdmentd/laserlock.jpg



Don't see why it will get out of hand, if people would follow CoC, it should be ok then won't it.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:10:13 PM EDT
There once was a man from Nantucket..................nah, that Ain't gonna work.....

A penquin takes his car to the shop........The shop owner says it'll take a while to diagnose the problem.....The penquin says, no problem, I'll just go across the street and get an ice cream......Its a hot day so when the Penquin get his ice cream, it drips all over him.
A bit later, he goes back to the shop and the shop owner looks at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal".....The Penquin says, "Nah, thats just a little ice cream".........

LOLOLOLOL

GhostCat

Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:11:35 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/19/2006 1:15:59 PM EDT by beagler76]


Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:13:49 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:17:16 PM EDT
I'll announce the winner soon, beagler, your timestamp makes your post ineligible
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:18:23 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/19/2006 1:18:45 PM EDT by beagler76]
I suck at the online
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:19:55 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:20:43 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:20:43 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Tras:
img.photobucket.com/albums/v232/ghostofjohnstamos/superman.jpg


that is quite disturbing
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:21:20 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:21:52 PM EDT
I know I missed the deadline but WTF.....
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:23:13 PM EDT

Originally Posted By beagler76:

Originally Posted By Tras:
img.photobucket.com/albums/v232/ghostofjohnstamos/superman.jpg


that is quite disturbing


in so many ways
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:24:32 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/19/2006 1:30:05 PM EDT by 82ndAbn]
Even if it is past the deadline, these threads are the best.

edited ~ 82nd
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:25:00 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/19/2006 1:25:11 PM EDT by w4klr]
The winner is Tras for the interesting picture of the cat...well... you know

Please log out and log back in, and enjoy.

Thanks for the humor guys, I've been rolling non-stop in my office for the last 20 minutes!
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:26:53 PM EDT
Feels good to be back, hoss. Thank ya much!
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:27:06 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:27:28 PM EDT

Originally Posted By w4klr:
The winner is Tras for the interesting picture of the cat...well... you know

Please log out and log back in, and enjoy.

Thanks for the humor guys, I've been rolling non-stop in my office for the last 20 minutes!


I think that was the best one. Someone should've stopped him after that, though.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:28:36 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:36:40 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:39:13 PM EDT

Originally Posted By WayneD:
webpages.charter.net/wayned/outland_full.jpg





I haven't laughed that hard in days...
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:40:34 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Tras:
Even if it is past the deadline, these threads are the best.

edited ~ 82nd



Oh my, what have I done, first thing as a team member gets moderated

Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:46:44 PM EDT
Does anybody else look at w4klr's screen name and try to pronounce "Dubya forkler"?
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:52:00 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Echo_Hotel:
Does anybody else look at w4klr's screen name and try to pronounce "Dubya forkler"?





That would have won the contest right there!
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:56:59 PM EDT

Originally Posted By schwindj:
A friend of mine had been dating this girl for nearly a year and a half and had always wanteed to have anal sex. It was his birthday and he was over at her house watching television, she still lived with her parents at the time. She said that since it was his birthday his wish would come true. So they continue to sit on the couch and watch tv while they wait for her parents and grandparents to leave for the night. Her parents were taking her grandparents out to dinner and a play, so they would be gone for several hours.

Soon after her family leaves the two of them start messing around on the couch. They start doing their thing when all of a sudden the door from the garage flings open, and her whole family walks in because the forgot the tickets. Her entire body clenches up and he pulls out at the same time. A really bad idea. The result of that action pulled about three inches of her colon out of her ass, clearly visible to everyone in the room.

Needless to say they did not go see the play that night since a trip to the emergency room was more pressing. My friend was lucky enough to rirde 20 minutes to the hospital with both his girlfriend and her parents, while she still had her colon hanging out.

They are surprisingly still together, though something tells me they dont try unorthodox sex very frequently anymore.


James



I see the pooper story, but where are the pooper pics.
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 1:59:12 PM EDT

Originally Posted By beagler76:
I suck at the online





LOL now thats funny!
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:00:27 PM EDT

Originally Posted By w4klr:

Originally Posted By Echo_Hotel:
Does anybody else look at w4klr's screen name and try to pronounce "Dubya forkler"?





That would have won the contest right there!


Ah, I have little doubt my tombstone will read: "Here lies Echo_Hotel - A Day Late And A Dollar Short, As Usual."
Link Posted: 2/19/2006 2:15:25 PM EDT
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. Descending a bit more he shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I do not know where I am."

The woman replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40/41 degrees latitude, north, and 59/60 degrees west, longitude."
"You must be a legal secretary", said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all, if
anything, you have delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be an attorney."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," replied the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now - somehow -- it is my fault."

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