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Posted: 2/17/2006 8:59:22 AM EDT
I am waiting for my divorce to be final. My house is up for sale. It has been a calm divorce, no lawyers and we did the paperework ourselves. We initiated this because of my wife and her boyfriend. I think I took it well and believed we were both working on repairing the problems. Well I was wrong and she ultimately told me she wants a divorce. It took me a few weeks to agree and actually sign the papers. I then proceeded to move back to my fathers house. Not excatly where I wanted to go but paying half a mortgage and all the bills I don't have much left for rent. We had'nt had much interest in our house (market has been slow) and just recently she decided she wanted to buy it. I don't really think the method she is going to do it is smart but it gets me out faster. I don't have it hardly as bad as even most of the simplest divorces but cannot help but feel shitty. I feel like starting over sucks. I met another woman who is great and we have tons in common but it simply does not take this away. There are days when I have no clue about where I am going. Is this the typical experience? The only thing I've done lately is decide that since I am free, screw it, I am building another AR. If this one is too much whining, then the mods should lock it.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:03:16 AM EDT
Just be glad you did not have kids.

Now buy a ticket to Vegas or the Beach. Best way to get over one ho is to mount another ho.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:05:03 AM EDT
LOL
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:05:34 AM EDT
BTDT. A year from now, you'll wonder how/why you waited so long.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:06:38 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Lon_Moer:
BTDT. A year from now, you'll wonder how/why you waited so long.



+1
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:08:09 AM EDT
I hit the gym.

By the time I'd added 60 lbs. to my bench press I was feeling better about myself and the increased interest I was getting from some of the women there sure helped the old ego.

Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:11:22 AM EDT
Another woman isn't going to make it go away. If anything she will probably cause more feelings to come up. You just need to spend time doing things for yourself. Build your AR. Take a trip to some place you have always wanted to go to. Do some things you have always wanted to do but your ex has always complained about and prevented you from doing. In time you'll get over it and in the mean time you'll be able to catch up on a lot of the things you were missing out on.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:16:33 AM EDT
I'm very sorry to hear this. Good luck, bud.

It's unbelievable how many of my peers are separating and divorcing around here, too.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:17:15 AM EDT
If she wants to buy out your share of the house I wouldn't worry one bit about how dumb her method is, encourage her to get a 40 year mortgage at 10% interest if that is what it takes to get your name off of the thing. In a few years you will realize this was one of the best events in your life from the sound of it. I love the fact I got divorced now, best thing that ever happened to me, wouldn't have it any other way

Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:18:56 AM EDT

We all feel your pain, but man up! You know it'll go away over time plus...



Originally Posted By JUSTINHIP:
I met another woman who is great




you have a little fall back.

My divorce nearly ripped the guts out of me. The bright side is I have built up some immunity so if it come to pass again -and for some of us it will- I'll be somewhat better prepared.

-Dobbs
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:26:58 AM EDT
I knew a couple of guys go through similar situations...

One was in the reserves and was back to active duty on 9/12/01.
He had been about a year out from the seperation at the time and deployment did him good, got his head out of the mess.

Another guy I knew decided to take the window of opportunity, with no attachments took a job across the country, relocated, started a new life.

Worst thing you can do is hit the bottle...dont drown your sorrows, deal with them.
From what I saw, some days were fine, some sucked....but man up and deal with it. You will be glad you did.

Hit the gym, stay positive, and dont worry about relationships for a long time.
If you hook up with a woman, be honest and let her know you arent looking for anything more than the night, a date now and then, and thats it. Most of the women I have met prefer the truth up front and you will get more out of your time with them if you arent trying to play them out.

Take care of yourself man...enjoy your freedom.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:28:15 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Lon_Moer:
BTDT. A year from now, you'll wonder how/why you waited so long.




This may be dumb but what is BTDT?
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:29:22 AM EDT
Yep, take a trip, get to the gym to help the self esteem just do not use the woman that you just met to fill the void. I am not saying don't see her, have fun with her, etc. Just make sure that you take it slow and make sure you are not using her as a substitute. As soon as my ex and I separated I started dating a nice woman because she was interested in me, thought I was in love again, etc. Well it ended very badly as I moved on to the next "love of my life". The 2nd relationship just ended badly and I am 1200 miles away from my daughter with no job. Moral of the story, because I was selfish and could not be alone I hurt two wonderful people and cannot see my daughter as much as I want to. TAKE IT SLOW and take the time to be by yourself.

Do not wallow in alcohol as a matter of fact do not drink at all. I started drinking because I "could not sleep" and ended up drinking a fifth of Jim Beam every night and a DUI. It is a crutch and will only cause more problems. I have finally sobered up and have been able to see the changes that I needed to make in myself.

No matter how long I knew it was over(years) there was this final feeling of complete failure that set it in after the initial "wooo hooo she is gone". It will take a while to get past that, just take some time for self reflection. You are not going to correct the reasons she made the relationship fail so no need to focus on them. Look at the things that you did that hurt the relationship, no one is blame free in these things, and see if you want to change them.

Sorry for the long post but kind of funny to see this after what feels like the worst week of my life.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:29:29 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Bama-Shooter:
Just be glad you did not have kids.




Amen.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:30:15 AM EDT

Originally Posted By JUSTINHIP:

Originally Posted By Lon_Moer:
BTDT. A year from now, you'll wonder how/why you waited so long.




This may be dumb but what is BTDT?



Been there done that
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:30:21 AM EDT
The chances of your ex and her b/f lasting are small. You say she's buying your house in a stupid manner...good..thats her problem not yours now

When I got divorced I bought another motorcycle. That was the only bill I paid monthly that I wrote the check with a smile on my face. It really helped me mentally get back to normal.

I'm not sure if another serious relationship would be the best thing for you but, that's your call. Some people have no problem at it. I wasn't one of them. If your happy with the gal your dating then keep doing it.

Best thing I can recommend would be for you to stay busy. It will keep your mind off things and doing things you love (especially things you couldn't do because of the EX) will really bring a smile to your face.

And stay away from SAD country music!!

Welcome to your new life
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:40:05 AM EDT
As stated earlier, be thankful you don't have kids. Now, build your AR, buy a dog and knock the bottom out of her closest friend. Building the AR will take your mind off the BS, a dog will never cheat on you and will provide you years of companionship, knocking the bottom out of her closest friend well...........it'll make you happy and piss her off. Wait till the divorce is final before doing so though. Good luck.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:48:12 AM EDT



And stay away from SAD country music!!



Its on right now, LOL
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:49:03 AM EDT
I got the dog already, she got him for me and she hates him
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:49:09 AM EDT
Just play "Die" by Dope. VERY loud.

Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:55:27 AM EDT

Originally Posted By JUSTINHIP:
There are days when I have no clue about where I am going. Is this the typical experience? The only thing I've done lately is decide that since I am free, screw it, I am building another AR.







Sounds like my average day right about now. Ever stared at the wall until 2:30am when you've gotta be up for work at 5:00am?
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:58:06 AM EDT


Sounds like my average day right about now. Ever stared at the wall until 2:30am when you've gotta be up for work at 5:00am?



Yeah, especially on nights when I am tired, and can get to bed early, I never do. I just sit up, flip through a magazine, flip channels or just stare
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 9:59:55 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Zaphod:
Just play "Die" by Dope. VERY loud.




I usually use Metallica's Creeping death, Fade to Black, or One. And country for all the other times
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 10:07:26 AM EDT

Originally Posted By JUSTINHIP:
I am waiting for my divorce to be final. My house is up for sale. It has been a calm divorce, no lawyers and we did the paperework ourselves. We initiated this because of my wife and her boyfriend. I think I took it well and believed we were both working on repairing the problems. Well I was wrong and she ultimately told me she wants a divorce. It took me a few weeks to agree and actually sign the papers. I then proceeded to move back to my fathers house. Not excatly where I wanted to go but paying half a mortgage and all the bills I don't have much left for rent. We had'nt had much interest in our house (market has been slow) and just recently she decided she wanted to buy it. I don't really think the method she is going to do it is smart but it gets me out faster. I don't have it hardly as bad as even most of the simplest divorces but cannot help but feel shitty. I feel like starting over sucks. I met another woman who is great and we have tons in common but it simply does not take this away. There are days when I have no clue about where I am going. Is this the typical experience? The only thing I've done lately is decide that since I am free, screw it, I am building another AR. If this one is too much whining, then the mods should lock it.



Whoa, Whoa down there Partner!

You let her kick you out of the Marital Home after she cheated? It was her choice to change her life and faithfulness aside, she should have moved out until the two of you parted lives completely. I was dumb like that once, never again. Too many times women get their cake and eat it too. In my case, I got smart about halfway through the dry-fucking and started messing with her Grand Plan by doing things that were in my best interest. Nothing, and I mean Nothing will make a woman go batshit, flying ape crazy as having their reality shattered and they figure out that they really don't "Have it all figured out"...
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 10:10:30 AM EDT
There will be ups and downs...don't worry too much about the downs. Depression is a normal human emotion...just have to know how to deal with it. A rock doesn't feel depression, but then again a rock doesn't feel anything...humans do. My point is that when you're down, it only shows you're human, and it will make you appreciate the "ups" that much more. I sincerely wish you the best.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 10:14:44 AM EDT
All I can offer is to remember that no matter how bad today is, it is not the rest of your life. I went throught this, and it seemed to never end, and I had little or no hope for future happiness...I thought. Time is both your enemy and your friend. When you are down, time can't go by fast enough, and of course, when things are good, time is always too short. Just live today, and then tomorrow and then the next day. Before you know it, you will be back on top of the world. Good luck.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 10:18:09 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TheOtherDave:

Whoa, Whoa down there Partner!

You let her kick you out of the Marital Home after she cheated? It was her choice to change her life and faithfulness aside, she should have moved out until the two of you parted lives completely. I was dumb like that once, never again. Too many times women get their cake and eat it too. In my case, I got smart about halfway through the dry-fucking and started messing with her Grand Plan by doing things that were in my best interest. Nothing, and I mean Nothing will make a woman go batshit, flying ape crazy as having their reality shattered and they figure out that they really don't "Have it all figured out"...



No, she didn't kick me out. We were living seperately under the same roof and it just got weird. We got along fine but was weird so once the papers were filed, I decided to move out because I had somewhere to go, she did not. I see your point though.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 10:18:51 AM EDT
Wow, seems alot guys here have been through the big "D"
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 10:22:57 AM EDT
I joined the Army at 34 years old. Loved every day of it...well, almost.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 10:24:25 AM EDT
After what happened to me,I am now wondering if I will ever be able to trust another woman again.It has been about 4 months now,and I feel that if I trust someone again,I will get let down again.

I have started to think that maybe if I get into another relationship,I could just pretend I trust her,but keep my guard up at all times.But deep down I know that isn't any way to feel in a relationship.

Without trust,there is nothing.

Damn,I'm confused.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 10:28:47 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TheOtherDave:

Whoa, Whoa down there Partner!

You let her kick you out of the Marital Home after she cheated? herNothing will make a woman go batshit, flying ape crazy as having their reality shattered and they figure out that they really don't "Have it all figured out"...hr


Couldn't have said it better myself
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 10:30:03 AM EDT
[quote]Originally Posted By TrijiCog:
After what happened to me,I am now wondering if I will ever be able to trust another woman again.It has been about 4 months now,and I feel that if I trust someone again,I will get let down again.

I have started to think that maybe if I get into another relationship,I could just pretend I trust her,but keep my guard up at all times.But deep down I know that isn't any way to feel in a relationship.

Without trust,there is nothing.

Damn,I'm confused.


I hear ya, I think the same thing all the time
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 10:45:33 AM EDT
When this all sinks in (a little time will tell a lot of tales) you'll get over this one quick.
Good Luck and enjoy the ride.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 10:50:18 AM EDT

Originally Posted By JUSTINHIP:
Wow, seems alot guys here have been through the big "D"



Yep, some more than once, by the way how old are you??
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 11:42:13 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Wdsman:
I hit the gym.

By the time I'd added 60 lbs. to my bench press I was feeling better about myself and the increased interest I was getting from some of the women there sure helped the old ego.




Highly effective method of working through it, with lots of benefits. Gets you socializing as well, or if thigns are really tight, a $20 set of garage sale weights will get you in the right direction.

Not that I'm a gym rat at all, but during a divorce it can help to physically work out the stress in a constructive way.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 11:59:17 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/17/2006 12:02:42 PM EDT by fla556guy]
you got it good compaired to many divorces. You sound like you aren't paying alimony, child support, and the only thing that you stand to loose is your mortgage payment. Starting over sucks, but it sounds like you are getting away from this scott free.

I can only hope that if i ever get a divorce, that it goes as smoothly as yours does.

Also, if you must, I repeat, must go out with this chick, don't look at her for more than a rebound fling. You need time to work on yourself. Enjoy all the freedom that being single offers you (god I wish I were single again sometimes). Be completely selfish about yourself. Do things for you. Go to the gym. Buy/build some guns (so that when you get married again, you don't have to deal with all the bitching about spending money on them). Compete in some shooting competitions, etc.

Just enjoy life. Longing for a woman, which in many cases, will only cost you grief and $ won't pay off for you. IF you enjoy your life, and do things that you enjoy, you will meet another woman, and maybe she will be one that shares enough of your loves that you won't be completely held back by her.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 12:10:33 PM EDT
Use the chance to take your life in a direction you would like to go. Ever want to travel? start a new career? Try a new hobby?

I recommend the book "Oh the Places You'll Go" by Dr Seuss. Sounds stupid, but it helped me when my ex-fiancee and I split up.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 12:11:09 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/17/2006 12:12:38 PM EDT by Harp]
Listen, all of the feelings you are having are completely normal. The guys that told you to start working out are absolutely right on the money. Get in the gym and get yourself feeling really good about your physical self. Spend time around really positive people. Build that AR and go shoot it- that will do wonders for your soul. And, believe me when I tell you that many more happy days await you. My beeatch cheated on me and I got divorced. It was an awful time in my life. Let me tell you that the second time around I absolutely won the lottery. My second wife and I are going on nine years of fantastic marriage and we are blessed to be the parents of a magnificent little boy. This gal is emotionally mature, smart as hell( she's a professor at MU) and she is much hotter and better in bed than the first one. Good things will come to you once you get past this mess-hang in there!

Harp
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 12:45:41 PM EDT

Originally Posted By bigthicket:

Originally Posted By JUSTINHIP:
Wow, seems alot guys here have been through the big "D"



Yep, some more than once, by the way how old are you??



29
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 12:47:29 PM EDT
[quote]

Just enjoy life. Longing for a woman, which in many cases, will only cost you grief and $ won't pay off for you. IF you enjoy your life, and do things that you enjoy, you will meet another woman, and maybe she will be one that shares enough of your loves that you won't be completely held back by her.


Thats a bit of a problem. I met her not really intentionally and shes got alot in common like shooting at the range
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 12:55:55 PM EDT

Originally Posted By SWIRE:
Another woman isn't going to make it go away. If anything she will probably cause more feelings to come up. You just need to spend time doing things for yourself. Build your AR. Take a trip to some place you have always wanted to go to. Do some things you have always wanted to do but your ex has always complained about and prevented you from doing. In time you'll get over it and in the mean time you'll be able to catch up on a lot of the things you were missing out on.




That's some simple and very good advice.

Being with another woman will not help you heal.

CMOS
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 1:00:24 PM EDT
Here are a few things to consider:

1. Make sure you have all your financial affairs squared away. Get a new bank account and credit cards, change your will, and update your beneficiaries on all your pension plans. Close all joint accounts you have with her (e.g., Blockbuster, department stores). Have a clean break financially with your Ex so the bitch cannot fuck you over in any way. One of the first things Exs do when a divorce starts is clean all the money out of a joint checking account.

2. Don't buy a bunch of shit and get yourself in debt right away. Live clean and free for awhile.

3. Be very careful about any joint friends you and your Ex had. Remember that anything you tell them could get back to her. Stay with your family members if you can, or separate friends you absolutely trust and have had for a long time. Make damn sure you have NO contact with any of her family members. They will always be a direct pipeline to her. Cut them the fuck out of your life.

4. Focus on things you like to do, like shooting, riding motorcycles, travel, etc.

5. Do not get involved with another woman for at least a year. You are emotionally a wreck right now and are not thinking clearly. Many guys have jumped right into another relationship (i.e., man-made prison) after getting divorced and have really gotten taken to the cleaners. My advise to you is to visit some of the strip clubs in your area and check out the local talent. See what it is like to have someone with a rock-hard ass and great ta-tas focus on making you happy for a few hours. You might even find one you really like and become a "regular." The best thing is you are limiting your financial commitment to what you are spending right there. At the end of the night, you go back to your world, you don't have to call her the next day, and you can live your life in a "bitch-free" zone. Try it; you'll like it.

Good luck.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 1:02:33 PM EDT
Fourteen years ago the nasty snatch I once loved, wanted a divorce. The cursed "Whore of Satan" made my life a fucking hell, she ran up the bills at 24%, did all sorts of terrible shit and dragged my ass to court for things like a CooCoo clock and more support(she saw I bought a new coat and determined she had not taken enough, no kidding).

I always shot and competed with guns so I continued my hobby, I got a better job, better car, hotter girlfriends and more toys. A nice gym membership and all sorts of cool shit.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 1:03:03 PM EDT
Once your divorce is finalized and you're financially stable, buy yourself something you've always wanted. I got a Ducati and another AR. Getting back into your hobbies will get you over it faster.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 1:09:53 PM EDT
Go outside,take a deep deep breathe, you smell that? Thats freedom ,dont ever forget what that smells like. Things only get better.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 1:19:08 PM EDT
Experts say you should wait 12-18 months after a divorce before getting into another relationship. I guess this is supposed to be time to reflect on what happened with your previous relationship and decide what you really want from your next one so you don't just jump back into the same rut again.

Based on repeat "offender" divorce statistics, I'd say very few men and women ACTUALLY do this.

Good luck.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 1:37:24 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Wdsman:
I hit the gym.

By the time I'd added 60 lbs. to my bench press I was feeling better about myself and the increased interest I was getting from some of the women there sure helped the old ego.




That's exactly what I did. It really helps your self esteem and health at a time when both are very vulnerable. Don't jump into another relationship right away.. just bang ho's without commitment for a while.
Link Posted: 2/17/2006 2:08:08 PM EDT
It will take time to fully heal but it will happen. Maybe a year or two before all the emotions subside but eventually you will be able to talk about her and tell stories about the things you did together without the agony and remorse you feel now. Eventually she will be jusr a memory you will sometimes think about and possibly wonder where or what she is doing now but not really care what the answer is. I am also willing to bet you will eventually feel sorry for her and what she did. You will realize she threw away perhaps the best thing she ever had and feel sorry for her not being able to ever go back and fix her mistake.
Good luck and enjoy your new freedom. DOn't waste the time you have now by punishing yourself for what she did. It is fine to grieve for a while but then let it all go and get on with life.
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 3:38:45 AM EDT

Originally Posted By verticalgain:
Once your divorce is finalized and you're financially stable, buy yourself something you've always wanted. I got a Ducati and another AR. Getting back into your hobbies will get you over it faster.



Well, I just sold two crothrockets. Ironically, I gave her the cash from one to put down on a car. Then a few weeks later I am asked for divorce. I have been thinking of buying a FATBOY or similar.
Link Posted: 2/20/2006 3:54:27 AM EDT

I can recommend the purchase of a convertable.

Well, That's what I did.......

Link Posted: 2/20/2006 4:04:56 AM EDT
Lots of great advice already given, remember that this too shall pass. In time you'll grow stronger and appreciate that you didn't waste anymore of your precious time on her. Overcome the obsticles you face and have confidence in yourself, you will be much better off now. It won't be easy but try to take it that way. You have friends here you have never met who are rooting for you and on your side.
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