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Posted: 2/10/2006 7:29:37 AM EDT
MY roommate has a mid-twenties sister, who is married to a man who has had a child (Jeff) with another woman. This is a young boy, 6 years old, and there is shared custody between the biological mother and the father/stepmother. The biological mother plays the "friend" more than being a parent, and as a result, Jeff thinks he can get away with alot that he shouldnt with his mom. The mom is only about 21, and overall is not a good parent.
Last night, the stepmother calls me and says that she has to go pick up Jeff because his mother was spanking him, and he turned around and started hitting her. Now he isnt very old, but aparently he left a few marks. I went over this morning and talked with the stepmother some and I am trying to help her with some ideas to figure out why exactly Jeff resorted to violence with his mom. Obviously the spanking thing could be a source, but I wont start a flamewar about spanking vs. no spanking.
We are thinking that a child psychologist is a good place to turn, but I know that there are many successful parents here, and I wanted to see if anyone has some suggestions as to where this behavior is coming from, or any alternatives to violence that might work to get Jeff to straighten up. Jeff is on Ritalin for ADHD, his dosage is decent, and for the most part, I think it helps him. If I was the parent, I would fight to keep my kids off such drugs, but its not my decision.
Your input and suggestions are appreciated.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:32:09 AM EDT
Beat his ass. I only tried fighting back when I got punished ONCE.

Lemme tell ya, after the stars in your eyes fade and they get back to paddlin' you, you darn well WON'T feel like taking a swing at your parents again.

So many problems with children today would be simplified if they just got drug out to the wood shed once in a while.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:32:51 AM EDT
Can't help you with kids, no experience here, just waiting for the ineveitable "draw down" comments.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:34:22 AM EDT
I dont think that beating him is working. I guess this may have happened a few times before, but the mother was not willing to discuss anything beyond the incident last night. As she was spanking him, he just kept fighting back. What do you do there? Tie him down so he dosnt fight back as you beat him senseless?
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:40:19 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Swindle1984:
Beat his ass. I only tried fighting back when I got punished ONCE.

Lemme tell ya, after the stars in your eyes fade and they get back to paddlin' you, you darn well WON'T feel like taking a swing at your parents again.

So many problems with children today would be simplified if they just got drug out to the wood shed once in a while.



I've got two boys, 6 and 11.

I hate to say it, but Swindle has it right. Beat his ass. It won't happen again. Parenting....There should be a license


And before anyone accuses me of "beating" my kids, don't. They are perfect little gentlemen for the most part, but each had to have the "you are the little guy, and I'm the parent, and you do as I say" spanking. I think I could count the times I've had to spank my kids on both hands......not very many. They know my threats are not just idle remarks.

I see too many teenagers who could have used similar talks with their parents.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:42:10 AM EDT
The parents, the father, the step-mother and biological mother, need to sit down and discuss child rearing when it comes to discipline and punishment. The parents need to apply the same rules when it comes to punishment. If one is lax, then the system is weak and the child will take advantage of that. The shared custody makes this a bit complex and there needs to be a course of action when discipline needs to be applied whether the child is with the father and step-mother or with the biological mother.

The Super Nanny and Nanny 911 are always dealing with families where one or both parents have no control of their child/ren. Always, one or both parents are not strict disciplinarians and the child/ren take advantage and control the parent.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:44:37 AM EDT
Send him to Young_Blood. He'll take care of the problem.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:44:59 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:48:54 AM EDT
Corporal punishment is not a bad thing. Don't let the new age lib touchy feely morons deceive you into thinking you're abusing your child if you give him a needed spanking. Spanking is not abuse.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:49:58 AM EDT
You need to teach him that fighting back is not an option.

I suggest that you ground him for 3-5 days, no TV, games, or friends. Have him spend his time cleaning or something.
Though the only way this can work is if both parents enforce it. If the real mom does not, then the stepmom is just going to seem mean. Both parents need to enforce a decent life style on the child, but if both do not, then it is half way to a lost cause.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:53:36 AM EDT

Originally Posted By DOW:
Corporal punishment is not a bad thing. Don't let the new age lib touchy feely morons deceive you into thinking you're abusing your child if you give him a needed spanking. Spanking is not abuse.



+1
My parents beat me.
I turned out fine.
Break out old hickory.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:54:31 AM EDT
can the daddy say "ASS WHIP'N", shit if its his kid and hes hitting his mom now, just think where he'll be in another 6 years, time for the father to step up and line his ass out.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:54:57 AM EDT
can't believe noone has said it yet.



DRAW DOWN!!!


that'll teach him.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:57:30 AM EDT

So many problems with children today would be simplified if they just got drug out to the wood shed once in a while.



a big +1

i have a nephew about 10 or 11 who is a total terror at home,parents can't do a lot with him he is on meds a goes to a therpist(sp?).he comes over for the weekend he is usually good as gold.if he does act up all i have to do he tell him to straighten up or i will bust his ass.he will be fine for all weekend.

he also has said he likes to come over and since i do make him mind.

my kids are pretty good tell them to behave if not the will get a butt whipping.all i usually have to do is start to get up and they run and straighten up.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:58:16 AM EDT
For a kid that age, I've noticed that usually when they're bad, it's because the parents don't pay them enough attention. It's the child's poor way of communicating. I've noticed that the past few decades that parents usually do the exact opposite of what they should in these cases. They just ignore the kid, make the kid not speak and intentionally and obviously ignore the kid for a period (the ridiculous time-out thing), or send the kid to their room. Those things make the problem worse.

I've spent time with kids that the parents just couldn't manage, but I had no problem with them. I paid attention to them when they spoke. Just listening to the kid, rather than ignoring them like you see too many parents do now, can often get rid of most discipline problems.

tripledouble is absolutely correct about the consistent set of rules. Children get very upset when they don't have consistency. Kids enjoy have the same story read to them a hundred times or seeing the same movie dozens of times, because they need consistency. Consistency for a six year-old is intimately tied into security.z
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:58:38 AM EDT
Dont stop spanking.

Be extra strict with him for a long while, let him get away with nothing.

Take things that are dear to him like gameboys and xboxes away from him.

Try to give the kid a more stable environment.

This goes to show you that immoral behavior can have important results. Child birth out of wedlock, spreading your seed around, etc...
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 7:58:48 AM EDT

Originally Posted By arfreak74:
can't believe noone has said it yet.



DRAW DOWN!!!


that'll teach him.



i was seriously thinking about getting my LP guy from work to get into his police uniform (he does patrols part-time) and have him come over and have a little chat with the kid....but hes not really the kind of cop that can get through to kids, hes more of the mean Mr. Clean look....but he might scare the kid good.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:00:01 AM EDT
It's what happens when kids (woman was 15 when the child was born) have kids.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:02:04 AM EDT
If the little snapper is fighting back......then the ass beating needs to be ramped up.
Kick that ass.

Unless he's 6'-6" and 350 at 6 y.o.

Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:02:14 AM EDT
Fox brand spray
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:02:47 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:03:03 AM EDT

Originally Posted By guns762:

Originally Posted By Swindle1984:
Beat his ass. I only tried fighting back when I got punished ONCE.

Lemme tell ya, after the stars in your eyes fade and they get back to paddlin' you, you darn well WON'T feel like taking a swing at your parents again.

So many problems with children today would be simplified if they just got drug out to the wood shed once in a while.



I've got two boys, 6 and 11.

I hate to say it, but Swindle has it right. Beat his ass. It won't happen again. Parenting....There should be a license


And before anyone accuses me of "beating" my kids, don't. They are perfect little gentlemen for the most part, but each had to have the "you are the little guy, and I'm the parent, and you do as I say" spanking. I think I could count the times I've had to spank my kids on both hands......not very many. They know my threats are not just idle remarks.

I see too many teenagers who could have used similar talks with their parents.




I would have to agree with all of this.

Both feet.

But you are TOO LATE ate this point. Maybe if the Bio Mom does it the next time it will help, but you cannot apply this so long after the fact and expect the kid to associate the two events.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:07:34 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/10/2006 8:08:22 AM EDT by ProfessorEvil]
Get a spray bottle. Fill with water. Take everywhere, even in public! When kid throws tantrum, spray away.

Also, sign the kid up for a shitload of physical activity...the more worn out they are, the less likely they will be to act up.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:16:46 AM EDT
Give him more fucking Ritalin.

What the hell is the world coming to? We are letting these children down big time.

A six year old loaded up on psychoactive drugs??? WTF


You guys realize that psychiatry is at best a psuedo-science? You know if you go to a shrink and say you feel sad that he will instantly put you on prozac?


Here's my prescription: BEAT THE KIDS ASS / GIVE HIM A HUG as needed.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:21:22 AM EDT
Well as a parent, I can't really suggest much since this isn't your child. Your options are limited. You can't exactly go over to his house and beat his ass, and any suggestions for his parents must be followed by BOTH parents. I *can* give some advice for little Jeff when he visits your home, however. Here's how I handle the children of bad parents when they're in MY home:

I can't spank them, unless the parents have given me permission beforehand. So, I have to get a little creative. Kids in my house get one warning, and it's a stern one. I have a really low voice, and a knack for making it terrifying to children.

When the child is unruly following the warning, they get forcefully placed in a chair (wingbacks are the best for this). It needs to hurt a little. The idea is to scare them into compliance. While they are seated, I place both hands on the arms of the chair and get nearly nose to nose. I then say whatever needs to be said in a calm, low and forceful tone, sometimes with my hand driven into their chest to hold them still. Nearly all children I've done this to sink in the chair, wide-eyed. A 6 year old should sit for a good 5 minutes. If he mumbles, the time starts over. If he sighs, the time starts over. If he cries, the time starts over. If he moves, the time starts over. If he gets up, he will be forcefully re-seated (it'll hurt a little) and the time starts over.

The important thing to remember is that the child can not win. They cannot overpower you and they have no choice but to eventually comply. The worst of them will test you every chance they get, but ALL will break down eventually. What most parents seem to forget is that keeping a child's ass in gear is ALOT of work. The payoff is worth it. Children who come into my home are perfect little angles while they are here. Those SAME children are hell when I see them in their parent's homes.

Fine by me, as they know they can't get away with anything while at my house. If mom and dad want my advice after seeing how their children behave in my house, they have my phone number.

Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:21:27 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:21:59 AM EDT
Some good stuff here, thanks folks. Keep it coming.
I will talk some more with step mom tonite, the bio mother is terrible about coordinating a parental effort, but it looks like that might be one of the keys to this.
Do you think a child behavorial psychologist might be able to talk to him just to maybe see what is setting him off? Certainly no more drugs, but I am sure he/she might be able to at least better understand whats going on inside.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:27:29 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:28:09 AM EDT
A behavioral psychologist looking at the boy's inside is a dead end. Looking at the outside (namely, at the parents) should prove more useful.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:29:02 AM EDT
Hold on a sec. She's 21, he's 6. This guy that she's married to was porking a 14 yo! WTF? Please tell me this guy is only 21-22 yo!

Oh yeah, +10,000 on the ass whuppin.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:29:03 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:30:53 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:41:23 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/10/2006 8:42:06 AM EDT by 3DVR_M4]

WTF are you doing allowing yourself to be drug into the middle of your roommate's sister’s issues between the mother of her husband’s child, the child, and her?

Seems like an inherently stooped idea IMO.

Lastly, as a parent, the second act of stupidity I see here is the oft committed err of setting a precedent and then resorting to violence when the error of said precedent manifests itself in inappropriate behavior.

What precedent?
- The biological mother plays the "friend" more than being a parent,
- Jeff thinks he can get away with allot that he shouldn’t
- Jeff is on Ritalin for ADHD
- Etc…

The child is in a position that he (from the sound of it) has little structure or boundaries. As a result, he knows little about what he can or can't (or should or shouldn't) do.

So by all means, resort to beating to make up for the lack of parenting. hink
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 8:55:25 AM EDT
quote]Originally Posted By TomJefferson:
Damn, reading that is like reading a soap opera preview.

If I came from that situation, I'd be screwed up too. To put it bluntly, this kids home life is fucked up so he is.

Regardless what these guys say a spanking isn't going to fix this. What this kid needs is stability and consistancy. That may include all kinds of spankings. The occasional punishment just makes it worse. Expectations have to be established and awards for meeting them or punishment for failing done every day in and day out. Parentling isn't a part time job. You have to mold a child like a piece of clay that gets wet every day. Your goal is have the child where their biggest fear in life is their parent looking at them sincerely and saying "I'm dissappointed in you." You don't pull that off from a broken home with mom dolting and dad or dads just constantly bitching. It needs to be a united front with a mutually agreed plan with both parents in agreement.

You want my honest advice, send the kid to a successful uncles every summer who has a stable home life and give him a free hand to influenced the kids development. If not that then find a big brother. The kid needs someone positive to both look up to and be consistant in his life.

Its almost impossible to fix a screwed up kid when his family is screwed up.

Tj JUST RE SCREWED UP PARENTS MAKE SCREWED UP KIDS
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 9:05:38 AM EDT
Three things will help:

Consistency in all aspects of life - daily routine, discipline, choices
Discipline in love - easier said than done - DAD needs to be in a rational mood, then spank till it hurts the kid, then stop and explain that the behavior that precipitated the spanking will not be tolerated and why it won't be tolerated
BOTH Mom and stepmom need to back DAD in the discipline and all other choices/daily activities / interaction with kid.


Good luck.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 9:05:54 AM EDT

Originally Posted By David_Hineline:
My advice is to stay out of other people's domestic affairs. Next thing you know you will end up Uncle Bob who likes to visit late and night and touch private places, and in court while the trailer trash family looks to settle out of court with you.



^
| No better advice has ever been given. At best you'll be swimming against the tide- and it doesn't tire.

When I was that kid's age I stuck my tongue out at my mom, who was in another room and didn't see it. My dad, out the door on his way to work, did. "I'll see you when I get home." was all he said. He did, and I never pulled that stunt again. If I had hit her I might not be typing this. This family is in for a hard road.
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 9:49:38 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Furner:


i was seriously thinking about getting my LP guy from work to get into his police uniform (he does patrols part-time) and have him come over and have a little chat with the kid....but hes not really the kind of cop that can get through to kids, hes more of the mean Mr. Clean look....but he might scare the kid good.



I am a police officer, not the boogeyman. If I could smack every person that says "you better act right or he's gonna arrest you" to their 6 year old, the world would be a better place. If you don't want to raise children then don't put yourself in a position where you have to.
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