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Posted: 1/31/2006 10:46:13 PM EDT
Short summary:
My friend since childhood (we're about 25 now), just told me that the guy she's been with for the past 3 years has been abusive. Considering his temper, I'm not surprised. She just told me some really cold things he has done. Not to mention the outrageous possessiveness he displays. The relationship has forced her to do things I never would have thought.

She kept trying to defend him, all the classic lines, "but I really think he's changed now." "It's gonna be different this time." "I love him."

HELP ME! This guy has her thinking she's a POS and it's all her fault, and he just breaks down crying whenever she tells him the bad things he's done and every time he convinces her he's changed.

Currently he lives in another city but is moving back in 3 weeks. She's of course convinced it's going to be different this time (for the 20th time).

What do I need to say, or where do I need to get help? I talked her for hours telling her that she deserves so much better, none of it is her fault, etc. and I eventually got her to say she knows I'm right a few times, but she's always going back to, "But it will be better."

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. She displays all the classic signs of a battered woman, and it's only happened once, but we all know it won't be the last. The entire relationship has been unhealthy for 3 years.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 10:52:51 PM EDT

Originally Posted By REALM:
She kept trying to defend him, all the classic lines, "but I really think he's changed now." "It's gonna be different this time." "I love him."

< ... >

She's of course convinced it's going to be different this time (for the 20th time).




There's not a damn thing you can do. Only she can decide for herself to get out of this situation.


You're just going to get dragged into it up to your neck.


Probably the only thing you could do for her is to get a bunch of her friends/family that feel as you do and 'stage an intervention'. Maybe having all that people tell her the same thing (to GTFO of that shitty relationship) will work... but honestly I doubt it will do any good.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 10:59:19 PM EDT
Nobody knows why, but many woman have a deep seated phychological need for this kind of drama and chaos. By "talking to her for hours" You are just feeding it. It would be better for her if you just stfu and ignored the whole situation.

You cannot save people from themselves.

btw- are you male or female?
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 11:03:31 PM EDT
Tell her your eulogy at her funeral will be most eloquent and heartwarming.
You will be the one of the pall bearers there.
You will be there for her parents when they can't cope anymore.

You tell her as her friend, you promise it.
Its the least you can do.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 11:04:58 PM EDT
there isnt much you can do. she is so terribly in love and he has her convinced that he is the best thing in her life. she beleives that she wont be able to find anyone better.

you can either try and convince her that is not a normal realationship and there are plenty of decent guys out there.

or keep telling her he is a POS. the more she hears it, the more she will start to beleive it. she is unfortunetly going to have to learn on her own.

but like every problem we have in out lives it can be related to your home life. more then likely her father treated her mother poorly and she saw this as ok behavior, but im no doctor. i bet it has a lot to do with this.

hang in there, best of luck. all you can do is be there. she has to learn on her own.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 11:07:19 PM EDT
Its all a cycle.

I'd google some sites that offer advice on domestic violence and supporet groups for it. There is a metric shit ton of them out there now
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 11:11:04 PM EDT

Originally Posted By BillofRights:
Nobody knows why, but many woman have a deep seated phychological need for this kind of drama and chaos.



You're absolutely wrong about that.

Impulses towards abusive relationships are WELL understood by the psychological community, and without much exception they come from alcoholic, abusive, or otherwise bad family situations or upbringings. Often, a child will seek out abusive men if her mother was abused, even before marrying and finding a stable husband who actually raises the daughter.

Abusers come from abusers, and victims come from victims.

I would bet my wallet this girl has had abusive parents, or suffered some childhood trauma. In any case, it's HER job to fix the situation.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 11:38:36 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/31/2006 11:59:20 PM EDT by urbankaos04]

Originally Posted By REALM:


HELP ME!

<snip>

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. She displays all the classic signs of a battered woman, and it's only happened once, but we all know it won't be the last. The entire relationship has been unhealthy for 3 years.



On average, it'll take about (7) major episodes before she'll leave the relationship for good, at least that's the statistic I was given in the counseling program.

Not much you can really do, 'cept provide her with information on shelters for battered women (especially the "undergroud" types that are not listed so the pscyho can't find her). Coming up with a escape plan is also helpful, so she'll know where to go in order to regroup, grab some items and go to a shelter.

Oh and YOU need to be careful, too, because it already appears that you are getting triangulated in her mess. What's gonna happen when she runs to you for help and that crazy BF of her is right behind her? Think about it. The only thing you can do is give her the tools mentioned above and stay out of it. Seriously, you need limit your involvement.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 11:40:27 PM EDT

Originally Posted By swingset:

Originally Posted By BillofRights:
Nobody knows why, but many woman have a deep seated phychological need for this kind of drama and chaos.



You're absolutely wrong about that.

Impulses towards abusive relationships are WELL understood by the psychological community, and without much exception they come from alcoholic, abusive, or otherwise bad family situations or upbringings. Often, a child will seek out abusive men if her mother was abused, even before marrying and finding a stable husband who actually raises the daughter.




+1
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 11:53:15 PM EDT
Nothing you can do short of facing the man and kicking the living shit out of him so that he knows that if he lays a finger on her again there will be major consequences to his actions. You will also most likely lose her as a friend in this process. As someone said above, you can't save someone from themselves.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 12:22:47 AM EDT
Find a way to get her checking on how these situations have ended in the lives of other abuse victims and what can be done to break the cycle.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 12:35:21 AM EDT
It is a no win. People only change if they want to... Get clear. give her money.... whatever. Just do not go running in to save the day. She is a box of missing pieces. She is not a whole person right now. What you need to do is tell her to do something to get help... stay away for awhile, and see if she does that. Otherwise your part of he DRAMA.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 12:59:06 AM EDT
blanket party (for the BF, smartasses)
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 12:09:23 PM EDT
Very interesting advice here, thank you.

Abusive parents... not physically or sexually to my knowledge, but yes... her father was an alcoholic.

Her "blind" vision on him you're all correct I think. She's going to have to figure it out for herself. Nothing I can say or do is going to change that. He's got her convinced she's a POS and is blessed that he's still with her. Best I can do is show her she's a great girl and deserves better.

Oh, and I'm a guy btw.

As far as me being part of the drama, I don't have to worry about that because she doesn't run to anyone for help. This first episode I just found out about and it happened months ago. She told me now because she felt it was time, but she feels it's her fault if it happens to her, so she doesn't go running to anyone apparently.

However, if she did come running to me it would be a tough situation to deal with. #1 I wouldn't want to be in that situation period. #2 She's an old friend so I can't say screw you & good luck.

Not 100% sure I could take the guy hand to hand, but I hope it wouldn't come to that. Best I could do is tell her to call the cops, come to my house, and if he comes lookin' for her I tell him I'm not letting him in.

Defending myself and my home... not a problem, I carry around my house most of the time (as well as other places) and I'm a very calm person. I don't escalate situations. Avoid them if I can and is what I'll try to do here to the best of my ability.

Thanks for the advice guys, anymore keep it comin'. I'll offer her what advice I can while he lives in another city and she's not seeing him, and when he moves back I'll distance myself from the drama.

"Don't want no drama... no no no no drama." - BEP I hate that song.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 12:38:57 PM EDT

Originally Posted By REALM:
Abusive parents... not physically or sexually to my knowledge, but yes... her father was an alcoholic.



That I would know that, without a doubt, from the first few lines of your description of her is not an indication of how intuitive I am, but how common and predictable these behaviors are for a woman who has had a traumatic relationship with pops.

I wish better for her, and for you, but having spent a good number of years dealing with addicts and their children, I can tell you the road ahead is impossibly tough if she's not willing to change - and it sounds like she hasn't hit bottom yet. Keep her at a distance until she does, and THEN be there for her. That's about all you can do.
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