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Posted: 1/17/2006 7:35:15 PM EDT
email I just got.


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a
guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,* right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad*. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-*. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little
I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy

Link Posted: 1/17/2006 7:37:27 PM EDT
roffle
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 7:37:30 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 7:39:38 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 7:41:20 PM EDT
Daaaaamn!
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 7:41:49 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/17/2006 7:42:09 PM EDT by Admiral_Crunch]
That's friggin hilarious!
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 7:41:55 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 7:44:05 PM EDT
Kinda old. You should have posted the pictures that come with it.

/yay! now i officially join the ranks of the Dupe Police!
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 7:49:00 PM EDT

Link Posted: 1/17/2006 7:52:38 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 7:58:35 PM EDT
He needed to find a human test subject. Punk kids are excellent subject matters.
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:07:31 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:11:09 PM EDT

Originally Posted By 4v50:
He needed to find a human test subject. Punk emo kids are excellent subject matters.



Fixed it
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:18:52 PM EDT

Originally Posted By geerhed:
Kinda old. You should have posted the pictures that come with it.

/yay! now i officially join the ranks of the Dupe Police!



requires a link
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:21:14 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:22:14 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/17/2006 8:23:33 PM EDT by Mall-Ninja]



Reminds me of that story about zapping the cat with static electricity...

ETA: Here it is..... LINKY
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:24:58 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Zakk_Wylde_470:

Originally Posted By 4v50:
He needed to find a human test subject. Punk emo kids are excellent subject matters.



Fixed it



"no body understands me" *zap*
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:31:26 PM EDT




link is for team members only
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:33:53 PM EDT
Stupid is as stupid does.
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:36:27 PM EDT
Too long to read.
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:40:36 PM EDT
well worth it you should read it
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:42:42 PM EDT

Originally Posted By EKLYPSE:
link is for team members only



Then you know what you must do.
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:44:22 PM EDT
Dupe of a dupe!@dupe.com
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:45:49 PM EDT
tag
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 8:53:37 PM EDT
I rarely giggle uncontrollably, but this story did it.

Hilarious
Link Posted: 1/17/2006 9:53:23 PM EDT


Link Posted: 1/17/2006 9:58:23 PM EDT
where the fuk did this come from
Link Posted: 1/18/2006 4:42:44 AM EDT


Link Posted: 1/18/2006 4:59:48 AM EDT
STOOOPID!!!

Funny as hell though...

Link Posted: 1/18/2006 5:08:51 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/18/2006 5:13:16 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/18/2006 8:11:10 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Mall-Ninja:

Originally Posted By EKLYPSE:
link is for team members only



Then you know what you must do.




Pay Up Sucker

I should have covered my keyboard.

Oh, and I cant breathe Coca-Cola, I know I just tried
Link Posted: 1/18/2006 8:12:58 AM EDT
tag for later
Link Posted: 1/18/2006 8:20:50 AM EDT
Tag....
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