Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
Member Login
Arrow Left Previous Page
Page / 3
Posted: 1/10/2006 9:37:31 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/11/2006 5:26:02 AM EDT by Fat_McNasty]
What is your favorite Monty Python Skit or part of a movie......
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 9:42:57 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Fat_McNasty:
Monty Python Skit or part of a movie...

BUT ITS JUST A BLOODY RABBIT
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 9:46:01 PM EDT

Originally Posted By AKLover_91:

Originally Posted By Fat_McNasty:
Monty Python Skit or part of a movie...

BUT ITS JUST A BLOODY RABBIT



I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 9:47:27 PM EDT
Im a lumberjack and Im ok...
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 9:47:28 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Fat_McNasty:
Monty Python Skit or part of a movie...



Say no more, nudge nudge.
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 9:47:31 PM EDT
Chuck Norris knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 9:50:02 PM EDT
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats.

And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 9:50:52 PM EDT
And then you must give us a right good spanking...

Link Posted: 1/10/2006 9:51:24 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/10/2006 9:51:45 PM EDT by MoparMike]
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!

Our chief weapon is suprise...
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 9:53:04 PM EDT
We are the Knights who say Ni!



Bring us a shrubbery!


Of course the Black Knight scene is classic
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:04:49 PM EDT
Just to name a few....

"I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok..."

"THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!"

"Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you. " "Right-o, sir."



/shrubbery...

Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:07:45 PM EDT
Ministry of silly walks
Arguement clinic
Cheese shop
How not to be seen
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:08:55 PM EDT
Now go away, or I will taunt you a second time.
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:11:28 PM EDT
Unless there is something you'd rather do than marching up and down the square...
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:12:44 PM EDT

Originally Posted By SteyrAUG:
Unless there is something you'd rather do than marching up and down the square...




Yea I like that one
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:13:54 PM EDT
Every Sperm is Sacred.
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:14:08 PM EDT

Originally Posted By SteyrAUG:
Unless there is something you'd rather do than marching up and down the square...




Well, uh, I am learning the piano...
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:16:14 PM EDT
Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:16:55 PM EDT
Spam, spam, spam, spammity spam, spam spam!
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:24:54 PM EDT
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite
your legs off!

BRIDGEKEEPER:
What... is your quest?
ARTHUR:
To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER:
What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR:
What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
BRIDGEKEEPER:
Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!
BEDEVERE:
How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR:
Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:28:36 PM EDT

Originally Posted By MoparMike:

Originally Posted By SteyrAUG:
Unless there is something you'd rather do than marching up and down the square...




Well, uh, I am learning the piano...



Right...off you go then. OK, is there anyone else who has something they'd rahter be doing than marching up and down the square?
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:30:25 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:35:22 PM EDT
"BRING OUT YER DEAD!!"
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:36:41 PM EDT

Originally Posted By DrFrige:
"BRING OUT YER DEAD!!"


I'm not dead yet
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:44:14 PM EDT
ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have
ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your
lord and master.

GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR: Yes!

GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR: What?

GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're
bangin' 'em together.

ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered
this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--

GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?

ARTHUR: We found them.

GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR: What do you mean?

GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house
martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter yet these
are not strangers to our land.

GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.

GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!

GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a
simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not
carry a 1 pound coconut.

ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your
master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a
swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

ARTHUR: Please!

GUARD #1: Am I right?

ARTHUR: I'm not interested!

GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!

GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.

GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...

ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Camelot?!

GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:46:42 PM EDT



Grim Reaper: Shut up! Shut up you American. You always talk, you
Americans, you talk and you talk and say 'Let me tell you
something' and 'I just wanna say this', Well you're dead now,
so shut up.

Grim Reaper: Be quiet! You Englishmen... You're all so fucking
pompous and none of you have got any balls.



Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:48:52 PM EDT
"How Not To Be Seen"
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:52:07 PM EDT
Cheese Shop:

MOUSEBENDER:
Good Morning.
WENSLEYDALE:
Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium.
MOUSEBENDER:
Ah, thank you my good man.
WENSLEYDALE:
What can I do for you, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:
Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
WENSLEYDALE:
Peckish, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:
Esurient.
WENSLEYDALE:
Eh?
MOUSEBENDER:
(In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I were all hungry, like.
WENSLEYDALE:
Ah, hungry.
MOUSEBENDER:
In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
WENSLEYDALE:
Come again?
MOUSEBENDER:
I want to buy some cheese.
WENSLEYDALE:
Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.
MOUSEBENDER:
Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
WENSLEYDALE:
Sorry?
MOUSEBENDER:
(In a broad Yorkshire accent) Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to.
WENSLEYDALE:
So he can go on playing, can he?
MOUSEBENDER:
Most certainly. Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
WENSLEYDALE:
Certainly, sir. What would you like?
MOUSEBENDER:
Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester?
WENSLEYDALE:
I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
Oh never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
WENSLEYDALE:
I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it fresh on Monday.
MOUSEBENDER:
Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
WENSLEYDALE:
Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.
MOUSEBENDER:
It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?
WENSLEYDALE:
Sorry, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
Red Windsor?
WENSLEYDALE:
Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
MOUSEBENDER:
Ah. Stilton?
WENSLEYDALE:
Sorry.
MOUSEBENDER:
Emmental? Gruyère?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Any Norwegian Jarlsberger, per chance?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Liptauer?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Lancashire?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
White Stilton?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Danish Blue?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Double Gloucester?
WENSLEYDALE:
..... No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Cheshire?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Dorset Blue Vinney?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Bresse-Bleu, Boursin?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Camembert, perhaps?
WENSLEYDALE:
Ah! We have Camembert, yes sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
You do! Excellent.
WENSLEYDALE:
Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit runny.
MOUSEBENDER:
Oh, I like it runny.
WENSLEYDALE:
Well, it's very runny, actually, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
No matter. Fetch hither le fromage de la Belle France! M-mmm!
WENSLEYDALE:
I think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
WENSLEYDALE:
Oh .....
MOUSEBENDER:
What now?
WENSLEYDALE:
The cat's eaten it.
MOUSEBENDER:
Has he?
WENSLEYDALE:
She, sir.

(pause)
MOUSEBENDER:
Gouda?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Edam?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Caithness?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Smoked Austrian?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Japanese Sage Darby?
WENSLEYDALE:
No, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
You do have some cheese, do you?
WENSLEYDALE:
Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got .....
MOUSEBENDER:
No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
WENSLEYDALE:
Fair enough.
MOUSEBENDER:
Er, Wensleydale?
WENSLEYDALE:
Yes?
MOUSEBENDER:
Ah, well, I'll have some of that.
WENSLEYDALE:
Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr Wensleydale, that's my name.

(pause)
MOUSEBENDER:
Greek Feta?
WENSLEYDALE:
Ah, not as such.
MOUSEBENDER:
Er, Gorgonzola?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Parmesan?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Mozzarella?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Pippo Crème?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Danish Fimboe?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Czech sheep's milk?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?.
WENSLEYDALE:
Not today, sir, no.

(pause)
MOUSEBENDER:
Ah, how about Cheddar?
WENSLEYDALE:
Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
Not much ca- It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
WENSLEYDALE:
Not round here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
And what is the most popular cheese round here?
WENSLEYDALE:
Ilchester, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
Is it.
WENSLEYDALE:
Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
MOUSEBENDER:
Is it.
WENSLEYDALE:
It's our number-one best seller, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
I see. Ah, Ilchester, eh?
WENSLEYDALE:
Right, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?
WENSLEYDALE:
I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
MOUSEBENDER:
It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
WENSLEYDALE:
Finest in the district, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
WENSLEYDALE:
Well, it's so clean, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
WENSLEYDALE:
You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
Is it worth it?
WENSLEYDALE:
Could be.
MOUSEBENDER:
Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
WENSLEYDALE:
(To dancers) Told you so.
MOUSEBENDER:
Have you got any Limburger?
WENSLEYDALE:
No.
MOUSEBENDER:
That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
WENSLEYDALE:
Yes, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:
Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
WENSLEYDALE:
Yes, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
Really?

(pause)
WENSLEYDALE:
No. Not really, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
You haven't.
WENSLEYDALE:
No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
WENSLEYDALE:
Right-O, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
(Shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.

"Now we see the violence inherent in the system. HELP! HELP! I'm bein' repressed."
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 10:55:17 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Mall-Ninja:
"How Not To Be Seen"



That one is excellent!!!!


Cut to a wide-angle shot of hedgerows, fields and trees. Voice Over (John Cleese): In this picture there are forty people. None of them can be seen. In this film we hope to show you how not to be seen.

(Caption on screen: 'HM GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. "HOW NOT TO BE SEEN"')

Voice Over: In this film we hope to show how not to be seen. This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road London SE5. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bradshaw will you stand up please

In the distance Mr Bradshaw stands up. There is a loud gunshot as Mr Bradshaw is shot in the stomach. He crumples to the ground

Voice Over: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

Cut to another location - an empty area of scrubland

Voice Over: In this picture we cannot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma of 13, The Cresent, Belmont. Mrs Smegma will you stand up please.

To the right of the area Mrs Smegma stands up. A gunshot rings out, and Mrs. Smegma leaps into the air, and falls to the ground dead. Cut to another area, however this time there is a bush in the middle

Voice Over: This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr Nesbit would you stand up please. (after a pause - nothing happens)Mr Nesbitt has learnt the value of not being seen. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.

The bush explodes and you hear a muffled scream. Cut to another scene with three bushes

Voice Over: Mr. E.V. Lambert of Homeleigh, The Burrows, Oswestly, has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out. (the left-hand bush explodes, then the right-hand bush explodes, and then the middle bush explodes. There is a muffled scream as Mr. Lambert is blown up) Yes it was the middle one.

Cut to a shot of a farmland area with a water butt, a wall, a pile of leaves, a bushy tree, a parked car, and lots of bushes in the distance

Voice Over: Mr Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the water barrel.

The water barrel just blows up in a huge explosion. Cut to a panning shot from the beach huts to beach across the sea

Voice Over: Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Ivy Cottage, Worplesdon Road, Hull, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we found that they had gone away on two weeks holiday. They had not left any forwarding address, and they had bolted and barred the house to prevent us from getting in. However a neighbour told us where there were.

The camera pans around and stops on a obvious looking hut, which blows up. Cut to a house with a gumby standing out front

Voice Over: And here is the neighbour (he blows up, leaving just his boots. Cut to a shack in the desert) Here is where he lived (shack blows up - cut to a building) And this is where Lord Langdin lived who refused to speak to us (it blows up). so did the gentleman who lived here....(shot of a house - it blows up) and here.....(another building blows up) and of course here.....(a series of various atom and hydrogen bombs at the moment of impact)

Link Posted: 1/10/2006 11:14:36 PM EDT

Originally Posted By DrFrige:
"BRING OUT YER DEAD!!"



"I wanna go for a walk."
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 11:54:47 PM EDT
Scene 8: Life of Brian

CENTURION: What's this, then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'? 'People called Romanes they go the house'?

BRIAN: It-- it says, 'Romans, go home'.

CENTURION: No, it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on!

BRIAN: Aah!

CENTURION: Come on!

BRIAN: 'R-- Romanus'?

CENTURION: Goes like...?

BRIAN: 'Annus'?

CENTURION: Vocative plural of 'annus' is...?

BRIAN: Eh. 'Anni'?

CENTURION: 'Romani'. 'Eunt'? What is 'eunt'?

BRIAN: 'Go'. Let--

CENTURION: Conjugate the verb 'to go'.

BRIAN: Uh. 'Ire'. Uh, 'eo'. 'Is'. 'It'. 'Imus'. 'Itis'. 'Eunt'.

CENTURION: So 'eunt' is...?

BRIAN: Ah, huh, third person plural, uh, present indicative. Uh, 'they go'.

CENTURION: But 'Romans, go home' is an order, so you must use the...?

BRIAN: The... imperative!

CENTURION: Which is...?

BRIAN: Umm! Oh. Oh. Um, 'i'. 'I'!

CENTURION: How many Romans?

BRIAN: Ah! 'I'-- Plural. Plural. 'Ite'. 'Ite'.

CENTURION: 'Ite'.

BRIAN: Ah. Eh.

CENTURION: 'Domus'?

BRIAN: Eh.

CENTURION: Nominative?

BRIAN: Oh.

CENTURION: 'Go home'? This is motion towards. Isn't it, boy?

BRIAN: Ah. Ah, dative, sir! Ahh! No, not dative! Not the dative, sir! No! Ah! Oh, the... accusative! Accusative! Ah! 'Domum', sir! 'Ad domum'! Ah! Oooh! Ah!

CENTURION: Except that 'domus' takes the...?

BRIAN: The locative, sir!

CENTURION: Which is...?!

BRIAN: 'Domum'.

CENTURION: 'Domum'.

BRIAN: Aaah! Ah.

CENTURION: 'Um'. Understand?

BRIAN: Yes, sir.

CENTURION: Now, write it out a hundred times.

BRIAN: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.

CENTURION: Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

BRIAN: Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir! Oh. Mmm! Finished!

ROMAN SOLDIER STIG: Right. Now don't do it again.


Scene 9

FRANCIS: We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?

COMMANDO XERXES: What exactly are the demands?

REG: We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.

MATTHIAS: Cut her head off?

FRANCIS: Cut all her bits off. Send 'em back on the hour every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with.

REG: And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail!

COMMANDOS: No blackmail!

REG: They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.

LORETTA: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.

REG: Yeah.

LORETTA: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.

REG: Yeah. All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?!

XERXES: The aquaduct?

REG: What?

XERXES: The aquaduct

REG: Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.

COMMANDO #3: And the sanitation.

LORETTA: Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like?

REG: Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done.

MATTHIAS: And the roads.

REG: Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads--

COMMANDO: Irrigation.

XERXES: Medicine.

COMMANDOS: Huh? Heh? Huh...

COMMANDO #2: Education.

COMMANDOS: Ohh...

REG: Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.

COMMANDO #1: And the wine.

COMMANDOS: Oh, yes. Yeah...

FRANCIS: Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. Huh.

COMMANDO: Public baths.

LORETTA: And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.

FRANCIS: Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this.

COMMANDOS: Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

REG: All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

XERXES: Brought peace.

REG: Oh. Peace? Shut up!


And ,of coarse, this:





Link Posted: 1/11/2006 12:00:52 AM EDT

Originally Posted By eodtech2000:

Originally Posted By Mall-Ninja:
"How Not To Be Seen"



That one is excellent!!!!


Cut to a wide-angle shot of hedgerows, fields and trees. Voice Over (John Cleese): In this picture there are forty people. None of them can be seen. In this film we hope to show you how not to be seen.

(Caption on screen: 'HM GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. "HOW NOT TO BE SEEN"')

Voice Over: In this film we hope to show how not to be seen. This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road London SE5. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bradshaw will you stand up please

In the distance Mr Bradshaw stands up. There is a loud gunshot as Mr Bradshaw is shot in the stomach. He crumples to the ground

Voice Over: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

Cut to another location - an empty area of scrubland

Voice Over: In this picture we cannot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma of 13, The Cresent, Belmont. Mrs Smegma will you stand up please.

To the right of the area Mrs Smegma stands up. A gunshot rings out, and Mrs. Smegma leaps into the air, and falls to the ground dead. Cut to another area, however this time there is a bush in the middle

Voice Over: This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr Nesbit would you stand up please. (after a pause - nothing happens)Mr Nesbitt has learnt the value of not being seen. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.

The bush explodes and you hear a muffled scream. Cut to another scene with three bushes

Voice Over: Mr. E.V. Lambert of Homeleigh, The Burrows, Oswestly, has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out. (the left-hand bush explodes, then the right-hand bush explodes, and then the middle bush explodes. There is a muffled scream as Mr. Lambert is blown up) Yes it was the middle one.

Cut to a shot of a farmland area with a water butt, a wall, a pile of leaves, a bushy tree, a parked car, and lots of bushes in the distance

Voice Over: Mr Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the water barrel.

The water barrel just blows up in a huge explosion. Cut to a panning shot from the beach huts to beach across the sea

Voice Over: Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Ivy Cottage, Worplesdon Road, Hull, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we found that they had gone away on two weeks holiday. They had not left any forwarding address, and they had bolted and barred the house to prevent us from getting in. However a neighbour told us where there were.

The camera pans around and stops on a obvious looking hut, which blows up. Cut to a house with a gumby standing out front

Voice Over: And here is the neighbour (he blows up, leaving just his boots. Cut to a shack in the desert) Here is where he lived (shack blows up - cut to a building) And this is where Lord Langdin lived who refused to speak to us (it blows up). so did the gentleman who lived here....(shot of a house - it blows up) and here.....(another building blows up) and of course here.....(a series of various atom and hydrogen bombs at the moment of impact)


oh! forgot about that one...

and why hasn't anyone gotten


[french accent]But it is wafer thin[/french accent]

or

We sentence you to death by beautifal women.
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 12:58:03 AM EDT
It's just a model.....
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 5:17:21 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 5:44:21 AM EDT
Honestly, my favorite is "Bicycle Tour". It's a single skit episode with Michael Palin recounting his two wheeled tour of Europe. Very cool...especially when his newfound friend ( who designs genetically modified, unharmable food ) gets into a car accident and then runs around believing he's Clodah Rogers.
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 5:48:07 AM EDT
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 5:48:51 AM EDT
"JESUS CHRIST!!! RUNAWAY!!!"

also, the bit about the farcical aquatic tart flinging scimitars about..."see the violence inherent in the system!"
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 5:50:02 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Stealth:
Every Sperm is Sacred.



For Stealth...
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 5:51:16 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/11/2006 5:53:37 AM EDT by John_Wayne777]
City dude: Good afternoon.

Farmer: Afternoon.

City dude: A lovely day isn't it.

Farmer: Eh, 'tis that.

City dude: You here on holiday or...?

Farmer: No no, I live 'ere.

City dude: Oh, jolly good too. (surveys field; he looks puzzled) I say, those are sheep aren't they?

Farmer: Aye.

City dude: Yes, yes of course, I thought so...only...er why are they up in the trees?

Farmer: A fair question and one that in recent weeks has been much on my mind. It's my considered opinion that they're nesting.

City dude: Nesting?

Farmer: Aye.

City dude: Like birds?

Farmer: Aye. Exactly. Birds is the key to the whole problem. It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their behavior. Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their back legs. (off-screen baa-ing) Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as...plummet. (sound of sheep plummeting) Observe for example that ewe in that oak tree. She is clearly trying to teach her lamb to fly. (baaaaaa...thump) Talk about the blind leading the blind.

City dude: But why do they think they're birds?

Farmer: Another fair question. One thing is for sure; a sheep is not a creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in the comparatively simple act of perchin'. (crash) As you see. As for flight, its body is totally unadapted to the problems of aviation. Trouble is, sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea in their heads, there's no shifting it.

City dude: But where did they get the idea from?

Farmer: From Harold. He's that sheep there over under the elm. He's that most dangerous of animals, a clever sheep. He's the ring-leader. He has realized that a sheep's life consists of standing around for a few months and then being eaten. And that's a depressing prospect for an ambitious sheep. He's patently hit on the idea of escape.

City dude: Well why don't you just get rid of Harold?

Farmer: Because of the enormous commercial possibilities should he succeed!

--------------------------

Nobody is a bigger MPFC geek than me....

As far as my favorite sketch, it is too hard to pick a favorite.
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 5:56:26 AM EDT
the two French guys explaining the operation of a "Sheep Plane" always kills me....
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 5:57:46 AM EDT

Originally Posted By hardcorps1775:
"JESUS CHRIST!!! RUNAWAY!!!"

also, the bit about the farcical aquatic tart flinging scimitars about..."see the violence inherent in the system!"



Listen! Strange women lying in ponds is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farsical aquatic ceremony! I mean, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power because some watery tart threw a sword at you! If I went around claiming I was an emporer because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!!!


All from memory, my friend.

I AM the Monty Python Master.
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 5:59:50 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/11/2006 6:15:36 AM EDT by hardcorps1775]
hahahaha my liege, i bow before you!

ETA: i HAD to go and find it. just reading it makes me laugh out loud!
Scene 3
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven - I'm not old!
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis.'
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the 'old woman,' but from the behind you looked-
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers - by 'angin' on to our outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress-
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh - how d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would-
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
WOMAN: No one live there.
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: -but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh - who does he think he is?
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen - strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about - did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 6:00:28 AM EDT
"Ow do you know e's a king?" "he doesn't got shit all over 'im"
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 6:06:05 AM EDT
"Blessed are the cheesemakers"
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 6:08:53 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/11/2006 6:09:06 AM EDT by HardShell]
Dead parrot, hands down. When you know every line by heart and it still cracks you up, that, my friends, is brilliant comedy.

(I won't bother posting the text, most who would click on this topic know it by heart as well... )
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 6:09:44 AM EDT
I Like Chinese - Monty Python
Spoken: The world today seems absolutely crackers.
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.
There are fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.
It's depressing, and it's senseless, and that's why...
Intro: I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
They
only come up to your knees,
Yet they're always friendly and they're ready to please.
Verse: I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
There's nine hundred million of them in the world today,
You'd better learn to like them, that's what I say.
Chorus: I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
They come from a long way overseas,
But they're cute and they're cuddly, and they're ready to please.
Verse: I like chinese food,
The waiters never are rude,
Think of the many things they've done to impress,
There's M
aoism, Taoism, I Ching and chess.
Chorus: So I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their
yin and yang-ese.
Verse: I like Chinese thought,
The wisdom that Confucious taught,
If Darwin is an
ything to shout about,
The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt.
Chorus: So I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're wise and they're witty, and they're ready to please.
Verse: (in Chinese)
Chorus: I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
Their food is guaranteed to please,
A fourteen, a seven, a nine and lychees.
Chorus: I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese.
Fade: I like Chinese,
I like Chinese...


I Like Traffic Lights - Monty Python
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
No matter where they've been.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
But only when they're green.
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
No matter where they've been.
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
But only when they're green.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
That is what I said.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
But not when they are red.
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
That is what he said.
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
But not when they are red.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
Although my name's not Bamber.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I...Oh God!


MEDICAL LOVE SONG
Sung by Graham Chapman
From 'Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album'
(Expanded version from 'Monty Python Sings')

Inflammation of the foreskin reminds me of your smile.
I've had balanital chancroids for quite a little while.
I gave my heart to NSU that lovely night in June.
I ache for you, my darling, and I hope you'll get well soon.

My penile warts, your herpes, my syphilitic sore,
Your monilial infection--how I miss you more and more!
Your dobies itch my scrum-pox. Ah, lovely gonorrhea!
At least we both were lying when we said that we were clear.

Our syphilitic kisses sealed the secret of our tryst.
You gave me scrotal pustules with a quick flick of your wrist.
Your trichovaginitis sent shivers down my spine.
I got snail tracks in my anus when your spirochetes met mine.

Gonococcal urethritis, streptococcal balanitis,
Meningomyelitis, diplococcal catholitis,
Epidydimitis, interstitial keratitis,
Syphilitic coronitis, and anterior ureitis.

My clapped-out genitalia is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure every time I try to pee.
My doctor says my buboes are the worst he's ever seen.
My scrotum's painted orange and my balls are turning green.

My heart is very tender though my parts are awful raw.
You might have been infected, but you never were a bore.
I'm dying from your love, my love. I'm your spirochetal clown.
I've left my body to science, but I'm afraid they've turned it down.

Gonococcal urethritis, streptococcal balanitis,
Meningomyelitis, diplococcal catholitis,
Epidydimitis, interstitial keratitis,
Syphilitic coronitis, and anterior ureitis.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 6:11:13 AM EDT
Almost forgot my absolute favorite...


She's a witch!! She turned me to a newt!

­



...I got better.
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 6:12:48 AM EDT

Originally Posted By HardShell:
Dead parrot, hands down. When you know every line by heart and it still cracks you up, that, my friends, is brilliant comedy.

(I won't bother posting the text, most who would click on this topic know it by heart as well... )



+1

SBG
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 6:15:59 AM EDT
The "how is it you've come to know so much about swallows?" bit

Pretty much the entire "Something about Wanda" movie

The translation bit on Python's Flying Circus ("My nipples explode in ecstasy!") has me in TEARS whenever I see it.

The old ladies in the submarine "Get me... the fluffy cushions!"

The Spanish Inquisition

Sometimes it wasn't the huge bits they did that got me... It would be the smaller things - like the duel the two guys dressed as military officers had on the end of a pier. One was dancing in front of the other slapping him with two small fish. Then the other one pulls like this huge halibut out and slams him into the water...
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 6:18:28 AM EDT
Dead parrot, How not to be seen, Spanish Inqusition, and one I only saw once about a bunch of salors stranded in a lifeboat discussing cannabilism.
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 6:25:45 AM EDT

Originally Posted By macman37:

Sometimes it wasn't the huge bits they did that got me... It would be the smaller things - like the duel the two guys dressed as military officers had on the end of a pier. One was dancing in front of the other slapping him with two small fish. Then the other one pulls like this huge halibut out and slams him into the water...



The Fish Slapping Dance..
Arrow Left Previous Page
Page / 3
Top Top